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Oct 2017
I hate this feeling.
Like I'm trying too hard and bothering him.
Like I'm creepy and I need to go away.
I hate this pain in my chest.
It's like he's left me everyday since we met.
Sometimes the hate gets to my throat and my eyes
Sometimes the hate spills out.
It feels like he has hated me since the first moment we spoke.
fear of adulthood and the fear of being alone.
Or of being hated.
I've never had anybody so when you started talking to me I took it seriously and clung to you.
Then when you changed your mind and said you hated me, I learned to hate myself
I took your disinterest in me as a sign.
then when we messed around I took it as my life was starting and I could finally have fun.
Only to find out you were using me. And the hate reached a new threshold.
Only when I took you back as a friend only to have you date another girl did I hate myself the most.
Only then did I clench my throat in class to stop myself from crying.
Only then did I wish I could slit my throat and bleed to death.
Only then did I love you the most and feel the worst about myself.
Because you loved her after a month of knowing her and all you've done is hate me all this time. Because she gets the best parts of you and I get blocked, and hated.
Hate spills onto my cheeks and onto the floor.
Hate clouds my eyes and comes out through my pores.
Hate fills my lungs and my heart instead of you anymore.
Written by
Phoebe  18/F/California
       Xallan, GulRukh, NM, cece and Rick the shoe shine boy
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