Time marches on
Like an never ceasing slog
But as I travel through life's bog
I never repeat the scenery

As I journey through the rolling pastures
Rivers valleys and canyons rapture
I always stop and try to capture
What lies in front of me

So my advice to other travelers
Is to sit around and begin to gather
Memories, or would you rather
Make the journey dull and forgettable

You ever have someone you care for try to be there for I do and I know that she's a good person, not my girl friend but Someone that I'm close to but she's on a self destructive path and I'm trying but nothing seems to get thru to her I hate her boyfriend fir what he decided to do to her i tried to play surgeon to suture her wounds and be a good friend because I'm dutiful but all I asked is that she meet me halfway and I'll go in the rest but **** it she won't help herself and rest and unless she changes I'll lose one of my best friends I'd hate myself if I didn't try and her life ends

You stabbed a Dagger in me
like chelsea
karma I guess paying me back
because thinking like this is
unhealthy

People always post goals for relationships
without knowing how to adjust to committed life
Ladies and guys keeping assuming that it won't work out
crashing  the plane before it can fly

I haven't written about desire
In a little while,
Ever just want to feel
Someone's presence?
Someone's soft skin against your own?
That's my desire
I guess i'm starved for affection which is what's causing
This strange inflection
To my words written and thought out
But with no doubt
Desire is a powerful weapon
An animal not to be tamed or contained
Desire... it can drive some people up more walls than a spider.

I lost a wall to love from my girlfriend
but I have a personal guard no one probably Will ever break down I may try to laugh but under my guise you'll maybe see nothing but tears and a frown I've been knocked down so often I've grown fond of the ground.

now people say that I'm a wonderful person with qualities that people could write essays about but I've never believed that because it sounded like something a bull shat and spat on, while I detached and shut up around people because part of me is too accustomed to receiving nothing but humanities evils fakeness and brain stress became part of my psyche in and out of context so I said ***** humanity I'm going back within

by the way these are the words of a humanity victim.

It's one of life's oldest questions and it echoes throughout time
what's going on? what's the world's frame of mind?
three words that inspired a classic by Mr. Marvin Gaye,
What's going on, really what's happening today?

You'd think with all of the technological advances and societal changes we've made our lives as people would change but it seems we can still be as brutal as our ancestors who once dwelled in caves
We can still be as cold as the arctic
and venting our frustrations through social media is only so cathartic,

What's going on?
What's really going on today?
hopefully a revolution... because we need another major change

I do have a dream
like the good Dr. King
I know that with time
New trials life brings
I dream of a day
where kids can go out and play
and won't have to worry about
waking up in the hospital later that day

I dreamt of a place that is filled with beautiful things
and maybe, just maybe I can make a living with six strings
my mind wandered onto a plane where it's not considered insane,
to love everything and everyone, regardless of color, creed, or even their last name

Maybe this dream will be fulfilled,
maybe while I'm alive,
but I know that place exsists
it's in front of God's Eyes
I dream of that place
with a halo and that long white robe,
that place many call heaven
where the streets are paved with gold,

The buildings made of priceless jewels,
all our hurts and pain brought to the final curtain call
I dream of this wondrous place
where hopefully, once again I'll see you all.

The worst feeling in the world is having no inspiration no flow nothing to show even though you know its time for the dry streak to go even though nothings happened to bring out the creative side its like its curdling over my mind warps and bends trying to tend to my strange brains end i guess it depends on the soul abusing the ink and forcing it onto the page although dry streaks enrage because i have nothing to write that could hope to engage ill just write about what comes off of the top of my dome all alone all along the watchtower my god someones taking steel wool to my brain really scouring my thoughts and strange ideas or just good old daydreams it may seem like im crazy but quite frankly im becoming lazy i must apply myself to my poetic flow... ya know?

Sometimes I look in a mirror
and my own eyes crack open
the weakness falls from outside the ducts
because every time I look my heart is broken
why? to be more accurate I'm sick.
both physically with this **** cold I can't seem to shake
and of myself, because it seems to be my fate
I want to reinvent, recreate myself in a whole new way
I want to be a leader, not just more dead weight
A burden, that's what I've become
I can't even write anymore without a mentally loaded gun
to the side of my head, I have to bully myself to write things down now
somehow I need to try again and find out
where I went wrong where my confidence and pride has gone
it's been too long since I looked at the mirror and tears didn't fall

This year I resolve to not curse my heart or curse at my feelings because owning up to that begins my healing

I resolve to live and love as hard as I can and always cross those lines drawn in the sand

I hereby say ******* to any haters and people who never had my back because I never gave you reason to attack

I also swear to never compare myself to another unless they're my brother I can't follow anymore I'm going to lead

I also resolve to let down my pain forged armor and fight on in heart and in spirit.
I'm through paying a victim. I'm going on through with this.

Hmm... I guess I'm making more changes than I thought I'd do at all
I guess I'll call this a new years overhaul

From me to you
used to be so easy to do.
I lived in that love song
Every day was a dream
Every night the best of my life
But then those notes turned sour
our lives stored and our jealousy devoured
our relationship whole
and that love we one had had gone down
like a javelin pole.
I guess love is cruel, like an unthinking youth
it deceived me into believing you were with me in truth.
I know I committed ny sins, beared my wounds and scars
but all I gained are these new wounds and mars.
So thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson
That love is more dangerous than the most powerful obsession
You taught me jealousy can **** faster than knives
you taught me to enjoy every day of our lives

Can you be to me
what that baby blue blanket was to Linus, the younger brother of Lucy?
Can I meet someone I can hold and have all of my stress melt away?

I know this may seem weird but as cynical as I sometimes can be
there is a softer side to me
trust and believe not very many see this often
because in this crazy world you have to be strong, never soften.

To my lost love
I hope that you know
That when you had to leave
A part of me got up to go

Your honey brown hair
Yout golden smile
That cute laugh you have
Plays in my head once in awhile

To my lost love
I pray that all is well
I hope no one ever makes you cry
I'd hate to see those blue eyes swell

Although it wasn't too be between us
I know you'll be alright
To My lost love
I still think about you late at night

So you want to know
What loneliness is?
It's feeling unloved with friends all around you
It's going to sleep alone wishing somebody was beside you
It's caring about somebody but having to from a distance
It's pouring your heart out with liquor because of what was written

Loneliness is knowing that no one cares
Loneliness is wanting someone that isn't there
It's one of the worst feelings that we have to bear
Being by yourself is one thing, but loneliness means at least you care

I'm a kicked puppy, well wolf in my case
a lot of my wounds are still visible all over my face
yet as I wander from place to place
my heart opens up, wanting Someone to fill the space

Maybe not as lovers, maybe just as friends
but you can always tell when something special begins
If someone sees you at your worst and knows you at your best
keep that person around because you sir or madam are blessed.

So thank you, for being someone to show this wolf care,
thank you for helping me write out of me,
pain I didn't know was there

I've asked a lot of questions about you
I've noticed it's a theme in my rhymes,
Haven't you?

I'm odd like 5/7 time, so maybe it's just how my mind works
But, all of them are answered in spades whenever I look into your eyes

And when I touch your soft skin I can't help but flash an awkward grin
Because something about you, each time just brings something up within

Your voice caresses my ears, I'm addicted to the comfort it provides with each listen.
In short, your words are spoken into my soul, and like a diamond you glisten.

They say the more you smile
the more wrinkles appear on your face,
if that's the truth then I'll be wrinkled like a prune come June, several months after I'm very old and grey

Now you may be thinking, Nero as much as you talk about heartbreak and lonely feelings in your musings you'll be properly wrinkly when your prime is long past?
well yes dear reader, because often times I've taken up the role of the man who laughs

The man who laughs where most would cry
the man who laughs where my tears have dried
the man who took up a mask of mirth
inhaled and it like incense or myrrh

So when will the man who laughs, laugh his last?

That's what we are now,
A land of extremes
A place where it's all my way or no way at all
There's no attempts by anyone to work in concert,
No bridging the gap type thinking.
And that's what's sinking us
Into a hole we can't dig out of.
We refuse to see from another's perspective lest we "lose respect" for religious beliefs or some other command or directive

Don't you get it? There can't be a yin without a yang
There wouldn't be coke without Pepsi,
So the two sides must work in never ceasing concert
In order for us all to survive

Had it crossed your mind that maybe I try to grow up, and mature but I work on that in my own way and on my own time?
Did it ever occur to you that not everyone is equipped for the world at the age I'm at? No? so please go on. tell me I'm lazy and worthless, a burden to you now. I'm certain no remark will go amiss
Did it ever occur to you in still learning about myself as a person and as the world turns more lessons are learned.
Did it ever consider that I'm already insecure. I'm a pathetic epileptic thanks for not meeting your concern. if I don't feel comfortable about something I'm not gonna paint a smile on my face and fake it. I'll be authentic and do my best when I'm in a better place.
Did any of this occur to you? That yes I have flaws but if my own mother doesn't believe in me any more than maybe I should die today or tomorrow and relieve your sorrow. Why should I keep going? if no one believes in me or even truly loves me anymore why should I? clearly I'm not good enough for anybody yo put in any sort of faith?

Have you ever loved someone
with your body and soul
would do anything for them, in a heartbeat
just them being around is enough to help you soundly sleep,
But life soon happens and it drives you apart
but nothing and no one can fill that space, that hole, buried into your heart.
You know you should move on, but can't let them go
why do you care so much Nero? I really don't know.

Well, my birthday is coming up soon again,
I'll be 19 and spend the day with two of my friends,
but there's only one thing I want this year,
just the chance to say that I love you so much, and I want you here,
just to hold you tight and never let you go
to kiss you like a madman, on those lips and cheeks white as snow
That's really all I want this year, just you nothing else
can't anybody see this? can anybody help?

No Please Why No No.
**** That **** that **** that
No. no. no. no. no.

I was bleeding
My essence falling to the ground
The life left my body
I didn't resist, I didn't make a sound

My heartbeat slowed, the light began to show up as I closed my eyes
And though I thought you simply an acquaintance
You turned out to a blessing in disguise

And though you didn't wipe all the tears from my eyes
And you couldnt patch up all of my cuts and bruises
You picked me up and kept me going
So never ever confuse this

It's been a bit
Since I've had words that fit
Rhyming and cadence, or meter
If that makes sense
But unlike an open register
This feeling makes no sense At all
Why do I feel.. undeniable but yet so small
So short despite the fact that I'm average height
Unwanted yet charismatic
Alone but with so many friends near and far all at once
What is this?
I can't make heads or tails of this
Now I know how two face feels before a crime
Let fate decide
But why? Where has this arisen from?

The ceiling is black as night playfully leaps across the sky
And I stare the moon and stars in the face as I wander my mind tonight
Neandering through the broken ideas and misplaced thoughts. I start to stare longingly, and nostalgia crawls over me as I look at memories long gone. I walked away as my brain stem flooded with happiness and sadness both from the good times and the bad
I was walking aimless and bumped into my unexpressed desires and wants, and they glared at me intently, I looked back and said, today is not the day old friends, someday soon you will be brought to the forefront

Sometimes being lost in thought isn't a bad thing at all,
But I'd recommend bringing some breadcrumbs along or you may not find your way back from your walkabout

I'm 20 years old now
And I've seen technology advance and what happens when socialites go wild
and I've been mulling this over for awhile
I began to understand why the older generations hate us and always rely on poorly researched "Truths" to debate us.

It's because of how much the world has changed.

The world has changed and immeasurable number of ways since way back in the day
From the rise of the Internet from a finicky gimmick to a major uncut media outlet
And so quickly it seems as though some rewinding is needed to some, in a manner most drastic


However progress is needed even though it is a slow and painful process, whether it be in the church or out on the streets everyone's ideas deserve to be heard no matter how bizarre because that's how we remain so unique

What To do
what to do
My mind is feeling blue

what to do
what to do
I don't want anybody but you

what to do
what to do
you said you wanted to be alone so I wasn't talking to you

what to do
what to do
I surely am missing you

what to do
what to do
I'm trying, but I can't get thru to you

what to do
what to do
I want to be an us, a me and you

What To do
what to do
I just wanna hold you

what to do
what to do
you know how I feel about you....

what can I do?

I can't think of a name that will fit this poetically arranged rage,
well not rage but frustration
anyway let me get to the point
I'm sick of seeing everybody around me in love, it's like breaking my ribs and stabbing me in the chest with a disjointed
sense of envy and misguided sorrow, I keep trying to put a smile on so I can see another tomorrow

But every time I try I keep looking into my Facebook or YouTube and everybody is having the time of their life
Meanwhile mine, if you can call it that to begin with
Is shot in the foot and my hearts starting to split
Openly onto the page again I can't bear to see this within my soul anymore, I hang on to the fact that I don't know what's in store but it's breaking me open, like a petty thief,
Life you can be a cruel S.O.B. now let me write my own story

I swear my mind goes into some strange places
Especially when I know I'm not feeling aces
Just When I'm alone I get to overthinking my life
I mean stressing over things that really aren't my problem
I keep stressing over someone else's burdens, wondering how I can solve them

It's strange that I let my brain get not enraged but engaged with others pain
It's like I'm outside with an umbrella and it's sunny but I just have to find someone's rain
It's driving me insane because I don't like overthinking
Things that aren't my concern but it burns
for me to learn that my musings weren't correct...

it's Things like this that make remember my earlier says as a reject

Dream Machine

wouldn't it be nice if we humans possessed a device
to record dreams it seems like that would be nice
now I think about it I would be disturbed
that's my subconscious summed into a blurb
but I guess the real test is turning our dreams from nouns into verbs
It's a simple speech change, but one that alters life
I guess we don't enter the dream machine, because we're afraid of strife

I think it's cool I can say
that time has definitely done away
With what we could've been
I would've treated you nice
but now I'm going to be as cold as ice
to you, my former best friend.

I had feelings beyond
I was confused, I didn't want to come on too strong
but I bit the bullet and told you what was going on

You turned me down
I felt played like a clown
I swallowed that bitter pill
And wrote out my pain and sadness
getting better with each drop off ink spilled

I tried to save our friendship, because we truly were close
I would've given up writing if you would've played host
to the bond that we shared, two lost souls wandering the earth
but you took my feelings and heart and crushed them into the earth

I was broken
but then I met an angel
a girl who saved my life
who got me to smile and laugh again,
when I didn't even know I was able

I cried my tears, I'll never get back that wasted time
just know now, I'll never even bother to look at thine
I laugh when I see your name on my Facebook page
now I know the games you played
breaking my heart taught me a valuable lesson
Not everyone who glitters is gold
And not everyone is worth stressing

Am I going somewhere, or is this the end of my road,
I wish I could tell you because I really don't know.
I'll be 19 this Sunday, that's well over 6 thousand days here on planet earth.
But what good is it doing anybody if the last 3 years was up and down from high on life to heartless hurt.

So I ask, what Am I doing? honestly I want to know...
I don't want to be here and have nothing to show.
I mean, I write and appreciate every single person that takes time to read
I play guitar and draw, but what does it all mean?

I guess if I'm asking these questions then I'm close to the answer, more so than I may think...

for once in my life
can I do something right
can I get out of darkness
and Back into light

for once in my life
can these weeds of doubt be plucked
I hate to be a downer
but I'm growing more introverted and distant, it *****

For once in my life
Can I finally be proud of myself
Can I find something to be happy about with no help

I'm sorry, I really hate to pester you
It's just.. well it's just I've lost something important, do you know what I should do?
I've tried to dissipate fears
Readers please don't go stay here
This is serious, important to me and the stress is making me delirious
Like Eddie Murphy's stupid jacket my eyes are going red
I keep hearing all these voices and thoughts splitting open my fragile head
IT'S DEAD! YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN! IT'S GONE NOW TRY TO PAWN IT OFF TO A FRIEND!
I've tried to keep my self confidence but every time I just keep breaking back down
Every time I try to smile I just end up with a frown
I feel like a king, Midas even without his crown,
***** that last metaphor, I'm like an electric mouse
 
.
 
.
.
.
And she was my ground

I'm confused stuck at a crossroads with no idea what to do
I swore to myself I need no help that I wouldn't go crawling back to you
Now I don't know what to do, because it hurts to have to miss you
But I don't wanna get stomped on for wanting something beyond what we had to begin with, it's annoying because I shouldn'tve gotten attached to begin with
But I did get attached
Now I'm confused if you feel the same
It hurts to miss you, I may feel empty but it's for the best
Between the crossroads I've found my way, the road leading right away from you

I never want to be a beast of burden,
I happen to know that for certain
I never want to be
my own worst enemy
But I guess that takes me
to this crazy play I call life's
final curtain
I guess I am your beast of burden
and you've said it so much I can determine
that I'm next to nothing to you
a curse, a handicap, I guess it's so true
That I'm only one thing
and that is nothing
compared to what you had put me through
I'm no longer your beast of burden
I've gone away, far away, but this isn't a sermon
our toxicity has died
asking with my feelings inside
ice is in my veins
now morning remains
of your former beast of burden

Belly oF the Beast
if you don’t know my story you’ll be eaten like a Christmas feast but sometimes life is like walking straight into a hideous ugly beast
you swallow the fear that builds in your throat then you Swallow so much you start to ******* choke You wipes those little beads of sweat from your brow
As you walk inside the mind of something that’s trying to find the weakness you have to hide This is what drives us to make crazy choices amnd even though you don’t want to you keep hearing voices and noises that no one else hears
Until the torment has ended and you lie on your face stone cold scavengers now interested in your remains you once had a future but now it’s plain to see so goodbye oh and at your funeral enjoy watching your friends and loved ones cry

Not even my own pen my best friend could write me out of the pit I'm in
I'm like a sail without a healthy supply of wind
Within my head all that's there is dread
it's like now all of my heart is dead
I hate what I've become
I hate myself, once again from society I want to shun
I keep regretting not clipping myself with that loaded gun
It's like they said there's nothing really new under the sun

Not even my own heart can stop me from being like a cheap cell phone and falling apart
it's like every time I try I lose the motivation to start
I hate killing vibes but I had to get all of this of my twisted mind
they say the worst tears to fall are the tears of a clown
in that case all the laughs you see on my face tend to be followed by the most empty frown
All I've ever tried... something or someone knocks me down
Why should u even care about me I'm only another burden dead weight for the slaughter like a sheep without wool I've no value like ****** I'm just going to slow you down
don't forget me.... I'm not sure where I can go now

What drives someone to love, or to hate or even to ****?
What causes we as humans to go to such lengths
To fill the voids in our hearts and heads
I already know that our minds bend and twist
To deal with the stresses and pains in life
But what causes the mind to snap so cleanly
That it would give ghosts and ghouls a fright?

What makes us want to hold someone tight
All through the night, is it just a chemical reaction to
Pass on our genes
Or is love a spiritual connection that will always go unseen?

Maybe the questions I'm asking have answers we weren't ever meant to hear
But if you question nothing you won't answer anything... So am I wrong for asking this or am I right?

Pouring down from the crying sky
the tears from heaven and angels songs
illuminate my face and mask my pain
that's why I so dearly love the rain

I can feel worthless and I still do
I can be dried up and misused
I can walk out onto the rain
and let all of that leave my brain

thoughtlessly wet, and consumed with a macabre happiness
I don't understand what you'd expect
Me to forget all the scars in my side
I would if I could but the wounds haven't died.

I can't bandage what I can't see
and I can't control what others, and even what I did to me.
I can control how I respond to pain,
I just walk into the deep thoughtless rain

I can't put this into words but I guess I'll try to stay alive despite all this pressure I'll abstain from making a gesture that's sure to offend I'll pretend that everything's alright while I cry my tears on the inside
pressure from family and friends is starting to finally seep inside sometimes I wonder why am I still alive after all this time I can't find my purpose I proposed prose I suppose that it'll never fuel my ambitions because people even in my family have to make light of all my decisions with the prediction that I'll just conform to what society expects of me I try to be cool and create something that'll please the one above me but when your own family makes what you do seem like it's nothing what am I to do?

I'll admit I'm not perfect by any means but at least I'm not the same boring thing that all of you who doubt me are I dare you to respond to this we can go bar for bar I'll shatter your guard like the kingdom of hyrule my malice can be felt from afar I've taken this pressure for too long time for me to respond with my only real friends a pen and these 64 bars I've taken my scars now I'll issue out yours I'll slice through your petty feelings with no remorse for my cause

hello stranger, it's odd to me
that we may have met before, at least probably
sorry, forgive me, my memory is kinda wobbly
old age I guess, but I know I'm blessed
to have made it this far
without getting killed or ending up behind bars
but I ended up using my verse and the counted bars to let my imagination carry me up and beyond the stars...

Everybody is a critic
And normally I can ignore
But there's only so much I can take
Before I snap and my anger begins to steam.. oh great.

You can criticize what you don't truly know
As humans opinions we cultivate,
But I'll crack at the seams
And the stitches will split
On my brain and I'll crack steel beams

So for your safety please don't be that harsh
About my life, or decisions I make
Because much like a thief weighed down with jewels
There's only so much I can take

I'm not letting this friendship die
for anything, I was hurt but those tears have cried
I'm not losing my best friend
to something that didn't need to happen
you wanted someone else, if I was mature I would've accepted that
but I had to be a spoiled brat and make you feel like crap

If you hate me that's fine. I can't say that I blame you
I still care about you and I never want to defame you
I bared parts of my soul to squeeze
to you that no one would ever hope to see
I told you everything, the good and the bad
You were the one thing that kept me from being sad but glad to go forth and keep going like a rolling stone painted black another day

so please please, don't go away.

Excuse me please
it seems that I've forgotten something
important, my memory is very distorted
it would seem as though I've forgotten how to love.
I can't remember what it's like to give affection and to make a mental investment
into somebody else to go for that special person when you know you need help.
to give hugs when they cry and kisses during a great day of laughs.

could you remind me how to do that?

I cant sit on a thought
For crap lately, so maybe i should get off the
***.
Not smoking i am sober as a button but
My head's turned into rotten mutton, it's disgusting what is said lately, no discussion
Or debate needed. To far is too far like that time i had one too many white Russians.

But, the heck with it maybe the words will find their way into line, rhythmic meter and rhyme and with time a poem will come together like the Beatles and be reflective like a bold and proud bald eagle

I don't get you brain
You're practically impossible to find when I need to be awake
Yet when it's time for new to sleep
You're more active than San Andreas during a Richter scale measurable earthquake

I guess my internal clock is running on either Australia or japan's local time
Because I'm running out of reason to stay awake for this rhyme

I think I put back on the mask
that covers my feelings like a cast
that no one should ever know my past
or my future which the die hasn't cast

I think of pain I try to escape
I think of all the times my heart had to break
I think of all the hurt I've had to take
I wonder why do I hide my scars

I guessed I'm like a puppy that's been kicked,
******* the outside but soft like an old man's Dxck
Or maybe even a glutton for punishment

because I keep getting stabbed again and again like practice dummy or a much too trusting friend
I wonder.. when will this rain ever end
am I going to see the rainbow? or do I not see that magical light bend

I know Life can kick us around
but **** it my pride is already in the ground
My feelings are numb, what more can you take
just give me something to hold onto?
I won't trade it away....

Hello, I'm noir
Nero must've left the door open
And he's not here right now,
Well, why don't I show you what happens
when I'm allowed to take his paper and write things down
It's simple, when he's sad WHO DOES HE TURN TO?!
but anyway, you may be wondering what the hell is on his mind?
I'll tell you, rejection.
He's been through it so much he's almost learned to expect it.
From the most beautiful of models to the ugliest of wenches.
Most people can take a loss quietly but then he can't find what's left of his confidence. 
He gave up trying for awhile to try to figure himself out, stay away from all that dating stuff because his heart had been through a rout.

But after he found it again it was dashed just that quickly, like a flickering flame
And thus he took all of it to heart, he felt it was on himself placed was the blame


"Noir? Why are you writing again?"
"I was telling the people why you won't even find it in yourself to get tinder to attempt to get a girlfriend?!"
"I TRIED THAT ONCE AND I LOST FAITH IN IT FASTER THAN A BITTER ATHEIST!"
"GOD YOU'RE INCESSANTLY STUBBORN! WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE YOURSELF ANY TYPE OF CREDIT?!"
"Because, my dear figment, I tried doing that and even then life through a wrench in. "

I'm looking, but I don't know what for
I'm living, but I don't know what's in store
I'm breathing but I can't hold it in
I'm thinking but I can't speak my mind
I'm Writing, but only for myself
I'm eating, but not necessarily for my health
I'm listening, but I can't keep my mind on what you said
I'm alive physically, but mentally dead

Lol this one's really old

Truth is all of us have problems, some of us are better than others at hiding it
Truth is all of us have hearts, so claiming to be heartless is a truthless statement

Truth is half the time when I say I'm fine and smile and wave I'm crying inside because a lot of my problems I have to bury in a shallow grave
    
Truth is this isn't really a poem, it's more of a confessional note I'm simply writing my sins and pain on a page because I can't really speak them without flying into a saddened rage