Every time I try to let you go
You won’t let me and its as if you know
That I really don’t want to leave you
Whether or not what you say is true

How am I supposed to get away
When you’re on top of me kissing me to stay
How am I supposed to get over you
When we’re pressed together like glue

I want to be your best friend
But I think you’d just pretend
I don’t think you want me like I want you here
And that out of everything in the whole world is what I fear

I wake up in the morning and put on a pretty dress,
My goal is to stun, amaze, and impress.
I make it about halfway through school without fuss,
But around 5th period I’m written up because cleavage isn’t a must.

I’m getting punished for my own set of double D’s,
Because the men around me get erections from a passing breeze.
If kids in high school can’t control themselves,
Why should I be the one punished for my huge shelves?

Why are men not taught to respect women,
But I am told I look slutty once again?
You’d think boys would be more than their ***** by this time,
But as of now cleavage is still a crime.

I wake up in the morning and put on a pretty dress,
My goal is to stun, amaze, and impress.
I make it about halfway through school without fuss,
But around 5th period I’m written up because cleavage isn’t a must.

I’m getting punished for my own set of double D’s,
Because the men around me get erections from a passing breeze.
If kids in high school can’t control themselves,
Why should I be the one punished for my huge shelves?

Why are men not taught to respect women,
But I am told I look slutty once again?
You’d think boys would be more than their ***** by this time,
But as of now cleavage is still a crime.

Ah America, the land of the free,
Where you are supposed to be living happy.
But not all Americans seem to be able to see,
Why some of us feel so **** ******.

“Oh, you’ll get through this don’t worry!”, they say.
“Something affecting your feelings can’t be a disease.” they preach.
These sayings are pretty stupid and cliche,
And it just shows that understanding depression is far out of their reach.

I have no sympathy for the people who say these things to me,
Because they don’t have a ******* clue how depression destroys you.
How would you like to feel completely worthless or to feel like an amputee?
This is way more than simply feeling a little blue.

I feel like the part of my brain that should tell me to be happy is missing,
And it was replaced by a voice telling me that slitting my wrists is the next best thing.
Now matter how hard I fight it that voice will be in the back of my head just hissing,
Telling me the blood dripping down my arm is worth the sting.

Depression is like having an obnoxious mean friend,
Who you try to hide from everyone until it is too obvious he’s here.
No matter how hard you try to shake him you end up making amends,
And instead of letting people try to help you just try to disappear.

Depression takes you away from everyone who loves you,
It isolates you and traps you in the corner.
And slowly every hateful thing it whispers to you becomes true,
The you that was there before is now gone and you mourn her.

You will never be the same person as you were before you met depression,
You will be a living person trapped in a dead girl’s shell.
You will feel tired and angry from all of that repression,
And living this way alone feels an awful lot like hell.

How long will it take for people to realize this isn’t “just a phase”?
How many have to hang from their closet for people to understand?
Depression lasts forever it’s not a few ******* days,
And suicides are caused by depression’s twisted evil hands.

A person who is murdered by depression is not a coward,
And they sure as hell are not selfish that’s for sure.
They felt completely abused and overpowered,
And to them their struggle had no other cure.

I think it is time for the world to get a couple tips,
Depression is real and it is alive.
You cannot tell someone to “get a grip”,
They don’t need to be reprimanded they need to thrive.

-September 23rd-
I sit at your grave,
said, “Happy Birthday daddy.”
The leaves are stirring.

-Celebrating The New Year-
It’s Rosh Hashana,
And I’m sitting here alone.
I miss you daddy.

-October Day-
My sister’s birthday,
Julia is twenty-eight.
Five years without you.

For the first two months of college I didn’t speak
Convinced everyone here are hillbilly freaks
Then you asked to borrow my paint brush
Long brown hair in a bun and brows so lush
I gave it to you in a heartbeat
Because you were the first person I thought was neat

Im still not sure how I got so lucky to befriend you
I’ve never felt a connection this real and true
When we sit in the forest smoking **** and cigarettes
And you’re still wearing the same paint covered sweats
Singing to Rihannon by Fleetwood Mac
I felt myself gaining my soul back

I can’t decipher what’s hiding behind your dark brown eyes
But your passion for art is as tall as the skies
You inspired me to change my point of view
Maybe this place isnt so bad, who knew
Your kindness cracked my heart’s thick shell
And painted the lines with shades of pastel

No boy ever told me they cried when they moved away
Your open and truthful soul makes everything ok
The freckles sprayed on your cheeks are like artwork
That’s a companion piece to your crooked smirk
I cried thinking we would drift apart once school’s done
But you told me we’ll always be friends in the long run

So
Thank you
Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for being who you are

They say having good friends is like winning the lottery,
Well who gave me a fake winning ticket?
Every friend that comes and goes is just a mockery,
Of my undying kindness even for those who don’t return it.

Is it dumb to believe in the phrase “Best friends forever”,
Or am I just stuck in my 2002 kindergarten playground?
People seem to drop me like a bird sheds a feather,
And I am unwillingly isolated by the time I am found.

I was not aware that friends were like snacks in a vending machine,
Picked and chosen when it is most convenient for you.
I guess I am the little pack of crackers stuck in between,
The chips and the Mountain Dew.

God forbid that machine runs out chips and drinks,
Because then you may have to settle for my boring ******* ***.
And maybe for once it actually won’t be a jinx,
But it’s too late I am no longer a convenience so I shall pass.

If there is one thing I will always be grateful for,
It is how I was raised and who I am.
My mother taught me that there is no such thing as a *****,
And if I am called that by anyone not to give a ****.

My ****** expression and who I decide to let inside me,
Does not define who I am and my worth.
People may not like what I do and won’t always agree,
But my sexuality is as natural as grass growing in the earth.

And probably the biggest double standard ever,
Has to be the praise men receive when they’re laid.
They get called “badass” and “stud” when they pull off that endeavor,
But if women do the same they are met with lots of shade.

The saying it takes two to tango comes into play here,
Because if a man’s getting laid so is the woman.
So let’s get **** shaming to disappear,
Because after all we are only human.

Michelle:
You’re my other half.
Telling me how good I was,
Probably saved me.

Brandon:
You are my escape.
When the world’s too hard today,
You make it all right.

Shannon:
I know you love me.
I just can’t hang out right now.
But I do love you.

Ryan:
If you only knew.
You were my world at one point.
Now I just miss you.

You know, there are so many definitions of the word love out there. You’re mine, I’m theirs, stuff like that is pretty common. I don’t consider that the love I feel right now. Considering you know, I don’t exactly have someone that I can call “mine”. Even if I was technically in a relationship, I don’t think I’d ever use that term. I don’t think love should be this possessive thing. The way that I feel when I’m in love is sort of an off the ground, light and airy sensation. I don’t want someone to be keeping my feet on the Earth telling me that I’m “theirs” when I want to be in the air. I want the person I love to take my hand and just fly with me so we can both be free and airy together. Hell, I’m not even that worried if that person is going to actually hold my hand or not or be with me that way in general. Just being around them is enough to get me floating. The love I feel isn’t one of those you see in a romance book. I’m not getting swept off of my feet by a perfect prince charming. In fact, there really isn’t anything romantic about this at all. It isn’t a sudden spark of chemistry that got me to feel this way, its years of friendship and little things done for each other. And maybe because he is so NOT a prince charming, that I savor those little moments of kindness I get from him. No, he’s not totally rude and mean but he is one of those guys that you couldn’t get to tell you how he felt if you shanked him. Some of my favorite memories include him. Like when we got drunk off of whiskey in his basement at his sister’s party and he danced with me. He’s such a bad dancer… Then we crashed on chairs and sofas around two in the morning and it was the first time I slept over his house and I just felt so happy. But my favorite time of all was when he asked me out of the blue if I wanted to go to a concert with him to see a local band. Not only was the band incredible, but that whole night was. He was flirting with me the entire time and being touchy-feely. I’m pretty sure he even gave me that “I want to kiss you" stare but I didn’t realize that until it was too late. Afterwards he wouldn’t even let me go home, he wanted me to sleep over. We were gonna sleep in the same bed, the other two friends that went got to sleep on the floor. It was me and him. I felt his hand on my thigh, and I then gave in. God it was the greatest feeling to feel loved back. I’m not sure if he really loves me that way. I don’t need him to. I just wanna keep feeling this warm fuzzy feeling for a long time.

Sometimes I like to think
That you just moved real far away
And that you got a job being a jeweler
At a different far away jewelry store
Because you hated working
For your father who never
Believed in you the right way
And that you just couldn’t drive
That silly old van hours to see us

And then I remember
I drive that van now
I have your guitars on your rack
In my room near the window
Eggay the cat is here
Not at your Fishtown Philadelphia house
I wear your ratty denim coat
To school to feel your embrace
When I cannot keep a smile on
I keep your bifocals locked up
In a display case with your
Memorial pamphlet
That says you were buried
On January twenty first
Of two thousand ten.

I do wonder on days like this
What you’ll say to me
When we see each other again
I wonder if your tears will be so real
Like they were when we had to leave
The vacation early because I ****** it up

I wish I could inhale your scent
Of cigarettes and beer and
Father

I wish I could remember what you sounded like
So crisp in my head
Yet the fear you caused absent in my nerves

I still remember every tattoo you had
Encompassing your whole body
In a beautiful mural
Like the ones we’d see
When you drove us from mother’s home
To yours

You had Julia in purple on your left shoulder
Overseeing the chinese dragon
That flew through the mountains and sunshine on your arm

Rayna’s name was inked underneath that same arm
And my name inked underneath the right
Mine sitting underneath another dragon
Sweeping through a thunderstorm

On your one leg was a blue diamond
A homage to your passion and your life
On the other was a daddy sea horse
With its two babies in tow

On your back was a few odd ones
Aliens smoking a joint in their ship
A heart made out of machinery
And knuckles punching someone’s teeth out

I remember being so proud
To have a daddy who was so
Unapologetically himself
Despite him being unapologetic
When he hurt people

And I am still proud to say
I am your daughter
Who is just as uniquely unapologetic
For who I am
As you were
Love you daddy

Today is the first day of many that I missed school,
It is the second week into my senior year.
Today is one of many where I felt the world is just too cruel,
And telling my mom I had a migraine was the easiest thing for her to hear.

How am I supposed to tell my mother I failed myself again,
That the strength in my heart has an expiration date?
It is so ******* hard to put a smile on and pretend,
That I have myself together when all I can feel is hate.

I promised myself no boy could ever get to me,
But knowing you are sitting behind me makes me want to die.
And its amazing how self-centered you are that you can’t see,
That I no longer have the strength to try.

I promised myself I was going to break away from you,
But the only time you talk to me is when you need something from me.
And I feel like for some reason I owe you a rent that’s way overdue,
So I give in to you and I refuse myself the gift of being free.

If you are for some reason so interested in why I’ve changed,
It’s because I need my strength back and keeping you around will **** me.
I need to find myself again or I will truly become deranged,
So from now on I need to let you go and you need to let me be.

To my dearest mother I am sorry beyond words,
I know you need me to be strong for you too.
I need to be strong enough to fly against the wind like the birds,
I need to get my landing right and pull through.

But right now it is two o’clock on a Thursday,
And I have downed a little bit of the *** hidden in my closet.
It has numbed my face to the tears streaming down but I’m still thirsty,
The drops are making a sea on my bed and my face is a faucet.

To my beloved mother,
The one who I inherited almost all of my looks from,
The one who raised me to be stronger than every other,
Why is it that you can’t comprehend that I am not dumb?

Why do you feel the need to tell me when I am wrong,
Even though I know you’ll never believe I am right?
Your lectures are spoken to ears that think you’ve went on for too long,
Why is it that I can do everything you ask yet still get into a fight?

I am aware of the long terrible hours you work,
And I am aware of how tough that is on you, I hope you know that.
But that gives you no right to knock me down and go berserk,
And me standing up for myself does not make me a spoiled brat.

Have you even tried to fit into my size eleven shoes?
Ever even tried to picture how my day can be?
No you would rather yell and make sure I lose.
Maybe one day you take the time to look and see.

You work eight hours at a grocery store,
And I’m at school eight hours stressing over which class is next.
Don’t forget, your strong daughter also has a job she loves to the core,
But that doesn’t mean I can never be perplexed.

You add eight hours of school and another two or three of work,
And almost ten hours of responsibility a day makes me awfully tired.
So when I come home and get yelled at is quite an irk,
Yelling about my chores leaves me pretty uninspired.

I woke up this morning happy,

Smiling cause I dreamt of you.

This will probably sound a bit sappy,

But that dream showed me something I knew.


Dancing in the summer sun,

In a rainbow of people and color.

We twirled around and we spun,

Like in this world there wasn't another.


Free from your parent's strict rule,

Your true self showed to me.

You were carefree and a happy fool,

We could be together and be free.


You stopped to hold me close,

And went in for my lips.

This is what I missed the most,

Us being lip to lip and touching hips.


I woke up from this so excited,

Knowing this was a good sign.

It showed my reasoning was ignited,

I know everything will all be fine.

They say that humans are compassionate and loving creatures, with a wide variety of emotions. Yet they also say humans are the most feared and horrible creatures on this planet. And all of these things were yet said by humans. What most people don’t say or tend to notice is that humans are full of oxymorons, hypocrisys, and failure. That may sound negative but it isn’t. If humans weren’t flawed then we wouldn’t be humans right? I believe those two most common perceptions of humans come from the two most commonly perceived personality types present in humans. You have the super happy-go-lucky type who believes the world is perfect and pure and no one wants to hurt each other. And then you have the extremely hateful cynical type. The people who have been hurt and stepped on and abused and feel they have every right to hate the world. But I think these two extremes are quite unfair to the majority of the population that is in the middle grey area. The reality is that the world is a mystery and treats every human differently with different experiences, just as all humans are different from each other. It’s quite beautiful, that grey area. You never really know what’s going to happen in the middle and its exciting.

Its about one in the morning
I know I have to get up at 7
I wish I was knocked out snoring
I told myself I’d go to the gym at 11

I guess I can never keep a promise to myself
There are so many things I should do
But I just put **** off and keep it on a mental shelf
Why can’t I ever follow through

I told myself I’d tell you I liked you weeks ago
But then I figured that you wouldn’t care
You’re always with your friends for all I know
If I told you I bet you’d just stare

I told myself I’d get in shape this year
But surprise I actually gained weight
Being fat again is the worst thing I fear
This week I’ve tracked all the calories I ate

I told myself I’d try to stay in a relationship
But two weeks in I freaked and ended it
I got too annoyed kissing your lips
I can’t pretend to be interested in this ****

I told myself if other people are happy dating
Then I could probably be happy too
But I’m not comfortable with anything more than a fling
Monogamy just isn’t something I can do

I told myself I’d get my **** together this time
Yet I’m snorting addies at a Philly party
Then proceeding to cry about how I’m
Such
A
Piece
Of
****

I hate how easily I can lose my morals,
When you ask me to.
I hate how you can make the world seem elegant and floral,
Even though I feel like I should still hate you.

Why is it that when you decide to kiss me,
I lose myself to this flower world you made in your arms?
But why is that world only there when you want it to be,
Without your world of petals reality does so much harm.

I am a repeat visitor to your universe of lilys and roses,
You have me hooked on you and you know it.
But what’s worse is what you do to my poor heart,
You’ve been a repeat offender to my love from the start.

Sarcasm runs in my veins,
I am a sucker for a sad face.
I can get claustrophobic on trains,
I love things that have fringe and lace.

The world is cold and lonely,
But that’s how I want it to be.
Please don’t treat me like I’m your one and only,
I’ll understand you even if I don’t agree.

I like when you call me nasty names,
That’s how I know we’re close.
I like to put all of my pictures in frames,
I find peppers and pineapples gross.

My hair is like the dark ebb and flow of the seas,
And my green eyes are the reflection on that watery surface.
My body is gorgeous from my love handles to my knees,
And my mind making me a complete circuit.

Every human is different and odd,
But each one is just as interesting as the next.
We all are broken and flawed,
But would we be human if we weren’t complex?

Every being should enjoy themselves,
And not care what society thinks.
Why is hearing criticism like walking on eggshells?
Ignore it because life will be over in a few winks.

It’s 1:30 in the morning,
And you’re saying sorry.
All I am doing is discussing my life with you,
And you’re saying sorry.

We read The Fault In Our Stars,
And you’re saying sorry.
Because Gus lasted much longer than my daddy,
And you’re saying sorry.

I vent about being used as usual,
And you’re saying sorry.
I don’t want to love that guy anymore,
And you’re saying sorry.

I don’t want you to be sorry,
But you’re saying sorry.
It’s not your fault life’s this way for me,
But you’re saying sorry.

I just want you to be happy with who you are,
And you’re saying sorry.
I want to love you like you deserve,
And you’re saying sorry.

Her world is gone.

Depression has begun to spawn.

Her all and her everything,

Her prince charming, her king.

He's not returning home,

Back to his queen and his throne.

He tells her he doesn't know,

When he can return, he says with woe.

Now the queen sits waiting for him,

Her faith and her spirit become dim.

But she must not lose hope,

For she must be strong and cope.

He would want her to move on,

But she won't, even though he's gone.

The queen holds fast to her love,

Knowing this is exactly what its made of.

Love is everlasting and pure,

And in order to love you must be mature.

The queen is just that indeed,

She now feels relieved and freed.

Cause one day she knows for sure,

That the king will come home once more.

I am abrasively myself forever and always
I come off as an awkward, perverted, introverted lady
I tend to overthink everything anyone ever says to me
I am heavily affected by things other people aren’t
I put deep meanings on things I shouldn’t
I believe every word of my horoscope to give myself a little hope for the day
I cling to my remaining friends with all of my strength because I am already lonely enough
I am a hopeless romantic but pretend I’m not cause I gotta keep up my reputation
I have a reputation for being hard to talk to but easy to get into
I want someone to love me so sometimes I believe if they get into me they’ll love me then
I know that is a stupid idea but I just can’t help thinking it because its called making love right
I get angry very quickly if people don’t reciprocate my friendship at the same level I give it
I tend to ride a tidal wave called depression that has its ups and downs
I plead with my head every day that I don’t go under and drown
I hate hurting someone’s feelings even if by accident I will never forgive myself
I don’t care if you hurt my feelings at all I have my walls built up so don’t worry
I have compassion flying out of my chest for even the most spoiled rotten people
I will take a bullet for a stranger if given the chance because they deserve to live
I don’t know if I deserve to live though sometimes I truly wonder
I still miss the people whose friendships I have lost even if it was years ago
I believe every human being is good despite their obliviousness and their selfishness
I do my best to help my single mother even when she doesn’t see it
I love my little sister like my own child and I take care of her like it
I have passion for everything I do from my job to just being in school
I grew up way too fast and I get angry because no one can understand how I think
I guess its because I have no father and try to take care of my mother and myself
I think I may be one of the only kids who do that
I was not born into a wealthy family my mother is a grocer and my father was a jeweler
I have more pride for my parents than kids whose parents are CEO’s and business people
I believe I have learned more about being a good person than people who are handed it all
I would rather die than do nothing with my life
I could never live with myself if I didn’t put others before me
And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I wonder if you’ve ever looked at yourself in the mirror
And stared at your haggard face in your drunken stupor
I wonder if you think you couldn’t have made it any clearer
That we can’t be friends if I am always your party pooper

I wonder if you look at yourself and notice that you’ve changed
It’s not your looks idiot, it’s who you are now
I wonder if you even bothered to notice our friendship is estranged
Or do you just wipe any deep thought away like sweat on your brow

Did the summer fly by so fast you forgot to talk to me
Did the parties come so quick you couldn’t text me back
Did you throw up the last precious remnants of who you used to be
Did you decide to let yourself fall off the track

I guess you thought that throwing me away was worth it if you could be cool
I guess you thought I just wouldn’t mind
I guess you probably don’t care that you look like the biggest ******* fool
I guess you drink to take your thoughts away from what you’re afraid to find

I remember when you told me how lonely you feel every day you’re here
And I guess your new friends are strangers and beer
I remember the only good thing alcohol did was get rid of your fear
You told me you loved me thanks to the whiskey and it was loud and clear

I wish I had the guts to tell you how much you’ve hurt me
But I don’t think you’d find me important enough to listen to anymore
I wish when you looked in that mirror that you would actually see
Who you are and how you’ve killed the person you were before

What is it
Is it my height
Is it my weight
Is it my hair
Is it my smile
Is it my nose
Is it my stomach
Is it my thighs
Is it my laugh
Is it my voice
Is it my personality
Is it my thoughts
Is it my opinions
Is it me?

Have you ever seen a black widow spider,
On one of the many photography expeditions you took without me?
Did you notice its black shining sleek beauty while being an outsider,
And how similar someone like you and a spider could be?

Beautiful, sleek, perfect when you look at it from afar,
But if you try to get involved the venom it injects will make you regret it.
Unlike a spider, I was not warned as to how dangerous you are,
And right now I am feeling the venom from where I have been bit.

But unlike you a spider knows what common courtesy should be,
And a spider will be polite until it is provoked.
You on the other hand feel it is ok to take all of me for free,
The way you use me makes me feel like I’m being choked.

Why do you think it is ok to not speak to me at all,
And then ask me to bring you something I shouldn’t?
Why do you think 2:30 am is a good time for a phone call,
As if you knew I would answer even though I shouldn’t.

God I can only ******* imagine what you would have asked for,
If I wasn’t asleep at 2:30 am like a normal person.
And knowing myself I’d be more than willing to give it to straight from my core,
Injecting more venom into my system and making my condition worsen.

Do you have any ******* idea how much you have hurt me?
How much it killed me to see you enjoying summer while I was alone?
Every ******* picture those little ******* posted I got to see,
And I felt like our friendship was being overthrown.

Images of watching you play your guitar like you were born with it in your hands,
Flashes of getting drunk in your basement and in my room with you are flying by.
Seeing that concert together is running in my mind and discussing our favorite bands,
The times you got too close to me are in my head but that’s something you’d probably deny.

I feel like I am fading right along with my own memories,
Being replaced by prettier people and left to be considered as a convenience.
You are still taking from me to the point where I’m about to be empty,
Soon enough you’ll take the memories and life will be meaningless.

If you haven’t noticed this town is a very small place,
And it makes me wonder about the type of people that live here.
Now there is diversity of origin with every kind of race,
But there’s a type of race that is starting to disappear.

That race is an economic one called the working class,
It is heavily getting replaced by what we normal folk call the wealthy.
These people drive their shiny Mercedes like their whole life was a free pass,
And they flaunt their money around to the point where it’s unhealthy.

They buy their cookie cutter mansions up like they’re buying Taco Bell,
Spending a million dollars on a house for four surely isn’t ridiculous.
And maybe it wouldn’t be if the other 99% of America could do it as well,
But we have a lack of money that makes us a bit more meticulous.

We aren’t able to buy a new house or a new car just because we want to,
And we sure as hell can’t afford a Porsche or a Corvette.
Unlike you we have our sad little low paying jobs to do,
Yes, I’m totally sure sitting in your office chair really makes you break a sweat.

But the worst part of it all is these rich people will have a daughter or a son!
And they’re gonna grow up to be just like their mother and father.
It’ll be like watching a reality tv show rerun,
They’ll be wasting the same money and being the same bother.

My children will be working just to buy enough gas for their car,
While these kids will ask mommy or daddy for a new watch or phone.
But I guarantee you the working class kids will go twice as far,
As the little rich kids who will grow up always expecting a loan.

I sit here on my bed,

My mind bored and my libido unfed.

I'm staring at the wall,

Its the weekend and I've done nothing at all.


They're all wanting me,

But can't come here by three.

Now I sit here all on my own,

Spending this weekend alone.


I remember when you were around,

Those weekends I never frowned.

You were there all the time,

Those nights were sublime.


I had given everything I had to you,

And our closeness grew.

I just miss you so **** much,

I miss your voice, your face, your touch.


Now I have others who try to help me forget,

But my mind is simply dead set.

You were my love and my first,

And its for you that I thirst.


So I sit here on my bed,

My mind bored and my libido unfed.

I'm staring at the wall,

Its the weekend and I'm done with everything, that's all.