i worry about you
(more than you know)
i see the decisions you make
(all the things you've done
that you'll soon see were mistakes)

do you know who you are?
(i don't think you do)
you're boundlessly wandering,
trying to find something (anything)
to mask your pain

i know
you know
that how you're living
will never quench
your thirst

i know
(deep down)
your soul is pleading,
"please, someone save me
from myself."

there is something
inexpressibly beautiful
about the world
          when the sun begins to rise
and fill the dim sky
with soft rays of light
          and only the birds are awake
to sing to you “good morning”
while everyone else
          is curled up in their beds
unaware of the magnificence
they’re missing
          and everything feels so simple
it’s as if six a.m. is an epiphany
that sparks at your fingertips
          and spreads until
you are encompassed entirely
by a feeling of clarity
          there is something
inexpressibly beautiful
about being awake to behold
          the splendor of this world
while everyone else
is still asleep

keep your mind
on a tight leash
because if you let
your thoughts wander
they may end up in the clouds
where your hopes
are in the perfect position
to tragically fall

i want to ask you about your past,
but at the same time i don’t
because my stomach becomes
more knotted than my hair
after a long windy day at the beach
when thinking of a you
before me

i try to keep my mind from drifting
to the image of you holding her hand
and gazing into her eyes,
thinking about how her smile
is the reason
you smile

it hurts imagining
there was anyone before me
and i’m sorry,
because i know how unfair that is

i guess i’m just afraid
there was something in her
you’ll notice is lacking
in me

come here. i’ll wrap myself around you
most of the time i’m sure i’m a sliding glass door
obvious like a schoolgirl crush
never able to hide the pink in my cheeks
or bury the truth behind enough broken parables
i’m about as vigilant as a chihuahua
perched on top of a sofa barking at the mailman
forgetting for a moment that you could pick me up
and put me down on the floor but
i promise i’ll just jump back up again
never fully accepting the plainness of my bluff
the winters crack my knuckles but
i don’t want to buy another pair of gloves
i’ve got ripped fingernails turned ******
and a kitchen sink full of unwashed mugs
and you’re pulling my hands away from my face
trying to show me how much we look the same

it's a beautiful day today

my favorite weather
is when the sun
tenderly kisses my cheeks
and freckled shoulders

i see kids carelessly riding their bikes
and wind breezing
through the branches of tall trees
and i think of you

i think of how it would be
to lay in the middle of a soft green field
with our arms touching
and your hand holding mine

i wonder what animal you'd say
the clouds look like
and if you'd pick a flower
to place behind my ear
and look into my eyes
to tell me i'm more breathtaking
than any daisy
that has ever been quenched by summer rain

i think about you a lot,
and i know today
would be even more beautiful
with you by my side

i didn’t know it was possible
to lay in bed shaking with sorrow
and still be able to genuinely smile
through the silent tears falling down my face

my eyes were finally opened
to what honest-to-goodness love is
when i knew i couldn’t be selfish with you,
because although my bones ache for us to work,
i want to put your heart before mine

it’s difficult coming to the realization
that you’re just a step in the right direction
and not my journey’s end

you’d expect this to hurt
and it does,
i’m still wiping away
the sadness from my eyes

but it’s okay,
the hurting is helping
because i know i grow in pain

there’s no doubt in my mind
that you loved me with your whole heart,
you painted a picture on my soul
that depicts how i deserve to be treated

i’m not bitter
because i know through all of this
i’m coming out better

the poem i resist digs deeper into my chest like a buried soulmate. it grows blurry and distant until i can’t find the sharpness of it, but i can still taste how it made me feel. the feeling becomes a dull hunger. the distorted memory of a bite. still gnawing, lost, hopeful that i will give in to my undoing and gruesomely reveal the bloodied shadow of a bluff that has been called home. neither of us can sleep. my teeth ache. when the sky turns purple with torment, i end up in the woods, collecting feathers, consumed in the uncaging of a fire that will never catch

i'm told that heaven
is a city made of gold
with pearly gates
and brilliant light,
but i couldn't care less
if it's crystal clear
or blanketed with fog

i just hope
heaven is a place
where i can kiss your soul,
capture a clip
of that radiant smile
and play it back in the sky
forever

Lord,
i pray to You
with a heavy heart
and brittle bones

please let confidence
unfold like flowers
that sprout between my ribs

please take the butterflies
out of my stomach
because they crowd it
and make me sick

please fill my mind with the knowledge
that Your love is stronger than
all of the hate that fills the earth

please inscribe on my flesh
that You have a perfect plan for me,
and with You i can conquer
all of my doubts, all of my worries

please never let me forget
what You have done for me

please hold my hand
while on this wearisome journey
and allow me to find life in You

it feels like i'm standing
on the edge of a cliff
next to a calm sea
and at any moment
i could slip into the blue abyss

quietly, the water would
burden my lungs
and with my last breath,
i would whisper
"tomorrow will be better."

i asked
what you would wish for
if a genie
granted you three wishes

and none of your wishes
had anything to do
with me

tonight i miss you
more than usual
because i'm thinking
of all the times we stayed up late
and whispered hello to each other
through the darkness
and i had to stifle my giggles
beneath the covers

eventually we'd both grow tired
and you'd sing me to rest

listening to your voice
while i fell asleep
was the closest i'd ever come to happiness
your melodies echoed through
my dreams and they still bounce
off my walls on nights like these

The first days of fall are always warmer than I remember. It just takes one cold morning to make me want the glare back. Now I'm looking for any reason to go outside before dusk begins to swallow afternoons. I'm checking the mail on a Sunday. I'm carrying a broken lamp to the shed. I don't miss July and its quite seethe. I miss the beginning. I miss not knowing when it would end. It's a slice of sponge cake, a half-erased underline left behind in a book that I can't put down. I'll go inside and read it until the pages begin to curl. My nails were made for digging into palms. I only ever want to stay when I know it's time to go.

what do you do
when you love someone
and you're bursting
to let them know

but you van't
because it's destructive
it's no good for you
and it's no good for me

i can't let go of it
i love you today
and tomorrow
and i love you
past any thought
i could think up

it's wrong though
because you aren't right
you blemish my heart
and leave me with bruises
that will never fade

so what do i do?
because i can't stop
loving you

i have paid the fines
of dozens of overdue library
books i never finished reading.
i love reading.
i love curling up
in a big leather armchair
while the sun reaches out
to me through the window
as time slows
and my coffee grows cold.
but tolstoy and fitzgerald
sit on my shelves
or in my purse
carried everywhere
and collecting dust.
i can see the silhouette
of who i would like to be.
the curve of her hips
the stillness of her limbs.
she grows her own herbs
and tries out new recipes
while her husband is at work.
she doesn’t mind driving
for hours alone
and enjoys singing
along to the radio
going five under the speed limit.
she is not in a hurry.
she is proud
and sure
and poised.
she reads books and returns
them on time.
she gave up on dreaming
and hoping
and longing
and finally began
living.

with skin of ivory
that blushes at the sight of sun
even when the clouds are out,
i turn into a silly shade of pink
          with a heart that drops
falls down, down, down
into a rabbit hole
at the sight of anything
remotely shattering,
gasping at little cracks on the sidewalk
carefully tiptoeing around bumblebees
          with lungs that fill with cotton
in fear of a hansel and gretel gingerbread house;
lead me to the witch
where i will cry and wonder,
“how did i get here?”
and forget about
all the gumdrops in my stomach
          with poise that only lasts seconds
in the face of spiders,
they crawl into my mouth
kept there until given the chance to spit
them back into your face
          i will hold my breath
and picture fields of lavender
where a tanned girl spins carelessly
until my tissue-paper limbs
learn how to hold me up

metal redolent
fingertips decorate my
thighs with beautiful
scarlet stripes; your words
have left a signature that
stings on my delicate flesh

everyone individual
is so intricate,
yet we rush to peg them,
to label them,
to tell them who they are

if someone were to draw me,
i think they'd draw an outline
of my arms and legs
and form my lips
into a sweet smile

but if i were to draw myself,
i would darken the inner parts
of the outline with squiggles
and place a thousand different
expressions on my face

the more i meet people
and flip them inside out
to run my fingers along
the cracks of their beating heart,
the more i realize that
no one really is
"normal"

when i asked you
why you're so sweet
and you replied

"because i like your smile,
you wear it so well
and if i can help with you smiling
then the world is a better place"

you stole the air from my lungs
in a pure and tragic manner

because one,
nobody
has ever been
so genuinely kind to me
i wish i could make you feel
as special as you make
me feel

and two,
i instantly thought
of my future
and it hurt my heart
because i'm almost certain
you won't be there

i have a consuming desire to know everyone

when i peer out the car window
and look upwards to see a plane
leaving a vapor trail across the pink
and purple blended sky,
i can’t help but let my mind bloom
with thoughts of who is up there

i wish i could go through the isles,
sit down next to each passenger
and watch their eyes light up
or become watery, or both,
as they tell me their story

i want to know where they’re going
where they’re coming from
i want to know their favorite moments
what cheers them up on bad days
their thoughts before sleep
what their “one day” dreams are
i want to know what breaks their heart
and what puts a smile on their face

i want to know them inside and out
because i fully believe
that at the core of each individual
there is beauty

some choose to let it radiate outwardly,
some are too afraid to let it shine

so many people don’t know they’re beautiful,
and maybe that’s the reason
i wish i could cross paths with the whole world

i wish i could show everyone
how beautiful
they truly are

i don't want to sleep
because i don't want to wake up
and be the same person

i feel ugly, repulsive, disgusting
your words were like venom
and i spit them right back

this hatred is controlling me
and i don't want it to,
i don't want to be like this

i fear that things
will never be okay with us,
i fear that i really am the problem

there's something
entrancing about you,
i hear melodies like honey
when you enter my mind

you make me smile
even when
the rain is falling
and i think i could
make you happy, too

the two of us together
could be as beautiful as
the setting sun

but of course
the wicked reality is
we'll never get
the chance

your words were so lovely
that i never once doubted them,
i couldn’t hear the emptiness
or read into the sugar coated lies
masquerading as sincere promises

i wrote them in cursive
and dotted the i’s with little hearts,
counting on the vows to hold weight

but when i finally tested them
by throwing your “forevers” into the ocean,
they did not sink to the bottom,
instead they floated right on the surface

your guarantees
were like funhouse mirrors,
i ran in one direction
thinking it was leading me
to where i needed to be,
but i came to a dead end,
trapped and broken hearted
with your voice echoing somewhere
“i cannot mend it”

i will not let my journal
turn into pitiful pages
filled with only your name

i will carry on,
bruised by your half-truths
and with eyes full of hope,
nevertheless

no matter what i do,
i will never be good enough
for you

people tell me not to care,
that i just need to be tough,
but that isn't fair

because how do you stop caring?
it's not like pain
is a switch i can just turn off

you keep hurting me
and i need to learn that
maybe without you, i'm better off

tears are forming in my eyes
because all i can think about
are my bare bedroom walls,
naked and dull
and how when i embraced you
and told you i loved you,
you didn't say it back

i think the reason
we have such dark, 
worrisome thoughts at night 
is because the empty silence 
found right before sleep 
allows room for anxiety
to creep in and fill the spaces 
between the floorboards 
and peeling wallpaper 
of our bedrooms

that may be why 
when i haven’t spoken to you
in awhile, i forget 
all the good mornings
and five page letters
filled with words
that make my heart melt
like candle wax

i allow doubt to dwell in my soul, 
along with thoughts
like how pitiful it is 
for me to be vacant 
because you’re not here
to occupy my confidence
and reassure me that
time nor interval
will change
how you feel

thank you
for introducing me
to good music

whenever i listen
to ernest greene
i think of you
and it's not sad,
it's not me missing you
or wishing things
were like they used to be

the thoughts
that are attached
to those songs
are happy
because i'm happy
i met you
even if now
we only speak
from time to time

you'll always be
a happy memory
and those are rare
to come by

everything is in boxes
in my mother’s house
in my father’s house
in the back of my trunk
different things in each of them
books and vinyl
jesus, innocence, mirrors
paintings that my little brother and sister
made for me at school
and i can’t find my journal in any of them
i didn’t used to have to tie strings
around my pinkies
to remind myself to breathe in words
i used to write too much
with ink smears tattooed on the
side of my left hand
i carried it around
******* on my fingers
tasting the poetry drip
from my mouth like sticky mango juice
and people read it
and my muses hated me
and i didn’t even have to try

thirty eight days
twenty poems
and an embarrassing amount
of doodled hearts later,
the reality of you not being my one
has finally begun to set in

it’s been one week
of trying to get over you
and i still cried last night
and i will probably cry again
but not forever
because i know that i know that i know
that i deserve so much better

i deserve
someone who will think
my eyes shine like diamonds
and whose heart will always
ache to be next to me
and who will do whatever it takes
to have me, no matter what
someone who will overcome every obstacle
to ensure that i am forever his

and this will be
my last poem about you
and tomorrow will be day one
of erasing your name from my heart
and it’s going to sting
because i really was hoping
you’d stay

but no
i now see that you
are not my one
you are only one step
in the right direction

the roads are wet
i don’t know when it rained
maybe i’m not
a writer anymore
maybe i stopped
paying attention
maybe i left
behind all wonder
in my adolescence
maybe i forgot
how to find meaning
in ordinary things
flowery air
and lemonade
gingham dresses
and handwritten
letters covered in
glitter and cursive
maybe i need
to read more books
and take more walks
and spin more
beach house records
then, maybe then i’ll find
stars in blue irises
and messy hair again

i feel trapped inside of my feverish skin
and i wish i could escape it,
because i don't want to be myself today

i don't know why i'm so different,
why i feel so lonely and tired of living

yesterday, i was so happy and hopeful,
inspired and alive
i lit candles and sang along to the radio
and grinned and felt completely intact
but today, i'm in pieces
i feel hollow and meaningless
i don't get why my feelings change so quickly

it's like once i've wrapped my arms
around them, the wind picks them up
and carries them away, leaving me
with a heart full of unfamiliar emotions

i don't understand,
i just wish
i could figure myself out
sometimes

who would have thought i would become so obsessed with clean? not
my mother, who’d nag me to pick up all the clothes scattered across
my bedroom nearly every day of ninth grade. we rarely saw the floor.
i’d sleep beneath books and laundry on my half-made bed. now i
scrub dishes, scrub counters, scrub the floor at night because i can’t
stand the thought of a ***** kitchen—little cockroaches scurrying
in and out of pots and pans. my home smells of lavender oil, a soft
mist, air cleansed by a pink-glowing himalayan salt lamp and plants
in the living room. now i put things away in drawers, close doors of
rooms that are the slightest bit messy. now i straighten books on the
coffee table, set the remotes parallel to one another, everything must
be in place. now i floss, wash my face every night, stare in the mirror
and repeat i am clean, i am clean, i am clean. now i burn my skin in the
shower, inhale the steam until my breathing is slow and my sinuses
are clear. i am clean, i am clean, i am clean. now i fold the laundry, stack
our clothes into two piles, his and mine. i make our bed, i organize
our shoes by the door, i kiss the man i love goodnight. i am clean, i am
clean, i am clean. i know what my father must think, i know he loses
sleep, i know there are holes in his tongue where his teeth have made
a home. i am clean, i am clean, i am clean. i know he wishes i still went
to church, wishes my boyfriend believed in a god, wishes i was clean.
i am clean, i am clean.

i've recently come
to the heart-shattering conclusion
that i do not
and never did
love you

i only loved
how you made me feel
on lonely nights

you behaved as if i put
the starts in the sky
the leaves on trees
the petals on roses
the fish in the sea

i loved it when you told me
you'd always be there

you lied when you said
you'd never let go of my hand,
and i lied when i told you
my hand was only made for yours to hold

because here i am,
without you by my side
and i think i'm going to be okay

i think i always knew
you'd eventually let go

i am waiting for my coffee
i am the old couple eating pastries
with their chairs turned towards the window
i am the wafting scent of musk and amber
i am the bright magenta trees lining route 240
blooming in april while it rains
i am the veiny hands i know nothing about
except that i wish they would touch me
i am gulping down the foam
tasting the bittersweet memories on my tongue
the ones that have yet to happen
i am remembering what it means to have teeth
to feel so different, so distant
but entirely the same

instead of pursuing the difficult,
yet beautiful bundle of perfection
we once held, you and i chose
to fall apart and plunge into separate depths

although you’ve decided to run north
while i’m patiently waiting in the east
for this torment to run its course,
i know that our love
was real and true and pure

love is selfless and kind,
and whilst i wish i could grab your hand
and beg you to never let me go,
i’m allowing the pain that comes with love lost
to scrape my heart and strengthen my soul

my eyes are set on heavenly things
and captivated by an eternal outlook:
i know i am becoming stronger
so that i may have more endurance
for future suffering

i know you didn’t give up on me
nor did i give up on you,
instead i’m choosing to love you
by letting you go

i'm a scared little girl
with a low self esteem,
but i know You're there
standing right beside me

help me conquer
my countless fears
and allow You to wipe
my worry-filled tears

because holding on
to all my burdens
is such a heavy load

i know i need You,
i know i need
to just let go

my heart
was in chains
my eyelids
heavy
my knees
weak

but You painted
my soul
with grace

You took my
burdens
and draped them
upon Yourself,
spread Your arms
wide
and said
"i love you
this much"

You took my pain
You immersed me
in love
You continue
to guard my path

You
have set
me free

i think if we pressed our thumbs
on little ink pads
and left our fingerprints
on an unmarked page
side by side
they would look like
a lock and key
the swirls of mine
would fit perfectly in yours
much like i imagine
i would fit
in the comfort
of your
arms

i want to write about you
but i think it might be too soon

i am stopped on the cracked cement
next to a small but necessary park
in the middle of it all

there are hundreds of thousands of windows
shut tightly to keep the cool air in

the only chickens for miles
are being served up on plates
between college roommates
and lovers who find the city
more romantic than any
vague resemblance of a kiss
exchanged quickly on a narrow step
  
but still, i carry around my wicker basket
packed with old egg cartons
and carefully folded tea towels

i memorize the feeling of tired eyes that won’t look away
of how warm it is inside my bedroom with the door closed
tracing your outline in the dark

until the soft orange light of morning
paints every shadowy corner

until i have found myself feral
deep in a dark blue thicket
somewhere between you and the trees

hope is beautiful
and can be destructive
at the same time
it keeps us hanging on,
but sometimes
for things
that will never come