he always calls me by my given name
whenever he finds himself back in town;
mariela on the dotted line,
mari in the moonlight.
ella if he's feeling smug,
bunny when he's looking for God.
he knows my history is shaded with blue,
marred by narrowly-won home-front wars.
everything about me reminds him
of Heaven and sweet, honeyed beaches.
sandy cheeks from moonbathing, ****,
by clyde's stagecoach motel on the coast.
barefoot and manic, he tastes like sugar
and complements the *** on my tongue.
green-eyed with envy, but he's sweet
enough to make my mind grow hazy
with the lust of a woman gone mad from her fears.
he rolls through on the tail-end of a storm
and dizzies me until the dream ends
and i find he's left me only morning dew.
he tells me i'm an angel, lazily smoking
cigarettes while he lounges, gloomy, by the pool.
sunshine bikini singing sailor songs softly,
cool in my gold hoops dancing between
his open thighs, signaling gamine doom.
he's larger than life, starry-eyed,
reading me poetry against his olive chest.
i could die here, i know this, listening
to the gentle tune of his heartbeat.
he tells me he'll love me only until tomorrow,
but i'm not so sure that's the truth.
when the playdate ends,
when the sun dies slow,
when my love goes home
i'll awaken,

but not just yet.

if I sing you Russian melodies
will you cease your hypnotizing?
Mario, oh, my Mario!
you never wanted a real girl,
did you? you see --
you fell in love with a daydream,
but you know I'm not that smart
can't seem to remember my lines
and now my mask is cracking
-- don't look! you'll see me for
exactly who I am, exactly who I'm not
all the imperfections I hid so carefully
for you are spilling out just like my guts
every time you twist the knife with
another lie, another blunt
you scrambled my brains so sweetly!
picked them apart 'til they were yours
well, darling, did I live up to your fantasy?
did things play out the way you'd hoped?
was your muse perfect or did she drop the ball?
I seem to have lost my grip as of late
but admittedly, I'm the only one laughing
you seem bored, shall I entertain?
my jester hat's a little dusty,
my ******* a little rusty
but I can plaster on a smile and dance for you
if that's what your heart is after
and when you're done, I'll dote on you
quietly; I won't get in your way!
after all, you only like the girls who will behave
maybe if I'd worshipped you blindly,
not fought for control of myself
or let my pride block out the brainwashing
we could be happy together forever
but I'm not as bright as you and my heart
just isn't as pure! why am I in school
when I could be barefoot and pregnant for you?
the only gift I have is between my legs,
isn't that what you said in a fit of jealousy?
oh no! I've done it again! I forgot my lines
can't you see? I need you to guide me
I can't make it on my own!
what is it I'm meant to say? tell me,
do you still love me? (hardly!)
Mario, oh, my Mario!
maybe I'm just not fit for the part
this role is much too difficult, so let me sing
-- yes! let me sing! a ballad just for you
or better yet, start the film again
promise this time I'll remember to play along

dancing hazily as he smokes
lazily, blue-lipped Turkish square;
cherry brighter than his love.
fiendishly palming in the dark;
superstition rules his life like
his favorite little white *** lush.
summer died like his bride in
November; consummation in progress.
angel sent by sunbeams and sugar cane;
siren sent silently from some Caribbean island
beckoning him from across the realm.
headshot, sawed-off, ethereal glow.
vows breathed fearfully as fists rained down.
her name's on the tip of his tongue,
but he's so far gone now his memory's grown
fuzzy, though surely he's not forgotten.
how could he forget his one true love?
the one he risked it all for, fought God for;
his most prized possession, his pin-up
queen found in pieces on the streets
of Paradise Valley just past Wyoming,
glittering just outside the *******.
rhinestones like diamonds decorated her flesh,
black eyes from a man who came and left,
tiger stripe bruises from the ones who
could never love her the way he could.
had he dreamt her? or was she real?
were her tears or her blood real?
****** had bonded their souls and as if
by the grace of God her spirit haunted him
spitefully; her apparition found him frightened
in his hide out in the desert and he knew
he had to settle the score, so he headed east
back to the scene of the crime, back to
the city it all began and he begged her
to let his soul rest as he had not let hers.
his girl, his princesa, his Bonnie, his jewel,
the one he had so shamelessly and brutally
left for dead on the side of the road in fresh snow,
laughed viciously at his fearful pleas and
reminded him of all the life she had missed,
all the innocence lost on a drunken whim
because he had no control over the demon
that made itself a bed in his heart or
the weakness he felt when he saw how broke
her heart was over a man who was anyone
but him; and in an instant he had known what to do,
promising her the world as he destroyed
what good she possessed until she was nothing
more than a cold body in the passenger's seat
of his slate grey beater. he knew he would
never be free from visions of her smiling and
singing 'i love you's as he took her life until he
took his. if there really is a God out there,
he's a cruel master, but so too is a lover who
goes rogue when his love's gone up in flames.

degenerate beauty queen
treasure from the dredge of the Earth
strung up like Christmas lights
white crystal **** aflame
hydrangeas cower from her gaze
pink ribbons stained with age
droop lonesome in soft noir locks
pulled loose from men along the way

she'll be lucky if she doesn't die young
photos on the television
gunned down in some gang's maze
or somewhere in the gutters she calls home
expensive death bought by scratch
she'll be lucky to make it to twenty three
cigarettes and xanax soothe her to sleep
dancing on a silver pole took her hazily

high school diploma left her trailer park bound
never felt love 'less it came from a bottle
kissed only by knuckles since she began
running from ambitions to become no one
just someone's baby mama left shattered
she smiles to the world, for anyone who can see
inside she's full of rage, i see the tear stains
mascara runs black from her bambi eyes

complacent at best, naïve at worst
****** never grew up, she just grew angrier
i pray for you and the person you've become
ring me when you find your head
ring me when you find your way home
there's nothing from you that i wanna take
no matter how insignificant or terrifying
i love you forever and always

i don't think of you anymore
my mind's too full of cotton
cigarettes and ligatures remind me
of all the things i'm not missing

when i become stardust
maybe then i will know
the veil will slip from my eyes
and i will see you for the beast
you've made yourself

we're sinking slowly
slipping into that lonely sea
transfixed by visions of a life
so many lightyears away
in lace and chiffon
where i bear you the gift of child
and you seek refuge
in another woman's kiss

we've lost it now, darling
it's spilled from your chalice
and it's stained my sallow cheeks
don't sing me faux praise
you know it's far too late

and i know you feel it too
the void's become too large
you can't navigate this one
your ship is far too worn
if you loved me at all, do tell me
what it is we could've had
if i'd have let you take me away
to a nearby or foreign land?

i love you more than heaven
but our time's running out too fast
we ought to say goodbye now
nothing good can ever last

i'm sorry

would you be surprised to know i still dream
of *** treasure troves and storms at sea?
when it's black out and the earth is humid,
waves rush in and strike me down like cupid.
i remember jupiter and selling stars on the boulevard.
whoever you are; my lover, my ****,
call me your good girl and kiss my tears away.

pegasus dancin' as savages ravage my rose garden
and tell me i got everything i wanted.
raspberries litter the ground of my home;
asphyxiating on the smog of a roach.
tell me you love me 'fore my heart can roam;
tail-lights like rubies dash past my eyes.
the sun dies in neon, but what about me?

so bathe me in red, white, and blue.
why can't i forget to dream of you?
killing me softly with your bare hands;
never felt as loved by any other man.
you're so much larger than life,
murderous rage disguised as love while i smiled wide.
i laugh while i cry so i don't feel so low,
but tiger stripe bruises will never fade.

well, everyone loved me until i went rogue.
now they're spray-painting outside my home.
blood drips down slow, molasses and sweet;
the village i roamed now cowers under my feet.
please, mr. rager, won't you spin me a story;
tell me again about your days of glory.
sing me something pretty as i drink 'til i ache.

i wear my diamonds on the daily
doesn't matter where i go
i like to watch the flags a-wavin'
reminds me why he's still not home
and i cook up ultraviolence
dope and glitter on the stove
keepin' it hot for when he gets here
gotta make sure his safe is full

he's a bad boy, on a roll
likes to watch me smoke
while i work the pole
and he's all mine, cherry pie
like to ride shotgun
when it's do or die

he don't do nothing for free but
he's free as one can be
gives his pretty baby everything
that her iced out heart can dream
with his sawed-off in his lap
i know that this is where it ends
and if i die by his sailor hands
i'll make sure to kiss god's rings

ethereal, if only
tricks learnt from the Lizard King
debutant smile while my world was burning
escape the ashes, run to the ends of the Earth
the Ol' Wild West is your home now
      don't ring me, the phone's ripped off the hook
the face of a stranger, a brother, a friend
burned into my eyelids
haunts my dreamscape; no peace, no end
lip gloss kisses, reminiscing
butterflies gathered atop my rose bush
thunder in the distance, dancing in the kitchen
      won't be long now, shouldn't be long now
everything's falling into place
Jesus knows i've lost my way
but He welcomes me into that Lonely Sea
glimmering nostalgic blue
a place and time from long ago
      before the car crash, before the ******
sirens singing, streamers blown by breeze
green keychain, truck just for me
where am i going, where have i been
the moon shines for You and only You
while the stars all play peek-a-boo
casting an otherworldly glow upon Your face
      maybe it's here, maybe this is the place
i've come undone, my seams unraveled
let bygones be bygones, but how can i remain?
when You're near, i'm in the eye of the storm
a deep aching pain soothed only by Your touch
don't be frightened of my gaze, darling, i'm beaming
      Angel Baby with gilded glow
      forever Yours, You're my home

we are the champion kids,
mean starry-eyed gangster babies,
fresh from the trailer park;
soaking up diamanté danger
in glittering pink sequin bikinis
and rhinestone cowboy hats.
sunset swinging boricua gold hips,
robbers dripping virginal deceit as
'nilla ice cream coats fruit punch lips,
sighing softly under neon moonlight
as we stumble through camelot,
drunk off the fumes of the city.

hollywood heavenly stars light up
our flesh and the fake palm trees
at the 76, a true downriver delight.
degenerate beauty queens beaten blue
by cinema kings craving insanity
and perfection in sweet cocaina lines,
selling our souls to weekly devils
for a big shot of treasure trove ***.

chain-smoking cigarettes because he
called me his pretty little gangster baby;
lazily watching him fly through traffic,
i love his rollercoaster disco mind.
falling in and falling out of the world,
floating across the sparkling nebulae
as he waves his pistol and blue paper
in my face, hoping i'll awaken from
dope saturated celluloid dreams.
praying my baby will come back to me
from the crackhouse down the street;
she smiles to the world, but i can see
the tear stains on her golden cheeks.

he’s larger than life,
a caricature of patriotism
in a thompson-esque world
of mania and devilish charm.
one hand on my waist,
the other on his new pistol;
puts me in a trance
watching him smoke cuban missiles.
sirens crying out at sea
won’t lure him into turquoise waves.
swears he’s from the tribe
that calls appalachia home,
but the mountains vehemently refuse;
cherokee roots thatta ways don’t grow.
i wished for his violent affection;
it felt like heaven’s projection,
but when i found a life worth living for
freedom he wasn’t willing to award.
swore he’d buy me the stars and
bestow a nomadic nebula to me,
but only if i sold him my soul
and gave him my castle’s key.
no amount of holy white flames
will devour the fingerprints and dirt
he coated my exquisite flesh in,
but i can paint them to show
the horrors from which i’ll grow.
strangled up in ivy and a kaleidoscopic spin,
breathing my vows while he dips me, achilles,
in that vile city river of sin.

waiting patiently for my resurrection
as flames lick wildly at my flesh
someone once said to me, solemnly,
"through the fire we're born again,"
only in a baptism of holy white serpents,
can i cleanse my skin of your hands

it was my turn i suppose
to be broken down to my atoms,
shattered like cosmic debris in the sickening dark,
as it had once been waylie's or even poor valerie's,
bitten too ravenously to be veiled as love,
too hot to be satiated with your ice cold gun

your threats terrify me because i know your mind
but do you know i'll go down fighting?
an endless barrage of ominous phone calls
or tailing from strange cars
will never break my resilience nor
will the fear of blowback from foreign men

i can still taste the liquor and feel the cold on my skin
from the river by downtown, filled with bodies and vile sins
i can feel you biting my ******* and choking me with your-
you haunt my nightmares, ravaging my thighs
black bruises and torn skin - proof that i'm not dreaming
dreams you killed us both wake me up screaming

you were the final straw, the match
as my world went up in flames
but i will bloom again from the ashes
i am stronger than they all say

sunbeams fall across my face
as I recall such regretted haste
of statically-charged, crystal ****, lightning shimmer
ice cold switchblade gleams in blue television glitter
raising hell in my white nightgown, I drive fast
drinking ***, I'm not afraid to crash
Elvis in the mirror, Marilyn in the bed
fire shall consume me? well, devour me it has
for my soul is set ablaze when I dream of what I had
your pulse sends me lightyears away as I think
of all the times you brought me to my knees
prison calls from mid-July still ring out in my ears
the longer that you stay away, the more you feed my fears
cigarettes burning, neon palm trees, bikini ******
Jesus pleads with me to no avail, "don't go further,"
but I am God now and I crave your touch, daddy
though you're gone forever, sadly
******'s gone and snatched you away
forevermore my skies will be grey

stop haunting my dreams
please let me be
your spirit still holds me hostage
and while you remain to be
the only one on Earth for me
what I can't have will **** me
surely

I was there
the day they died;
don’t think K's mama
had time to cry.
You don’t know
the things I’ve seen;
You’d be surprised
to know I still dream

of Sarasota
and fists that gleam,
blue fifties queen
still waiting to glow.
John Dillinger,
my one true King,
and then there’s you,
my Savior.

cold corridor,
*** treasure trove;
where you are
is where I wanna go.
hold me close,
Daddy, don’t let go.
I’m terrified,
my time is close.

Heaven is
on Earth with you.
the ocean shimmers
nostalgic blue.
Jesus pleads with me,
"slow down the car,"
but I am God now
and my mind is far.

kaleidoscopes
glitter in my eyes.
Daddy don’t you fret
over my starry sighs.
bruised from your love,
so nectar sweet I could cry;
I swear I’ve been dead
until now.

i can feel you in my kiss
salivating between my hips
crying out, "please take me home,"
i don't wanna be here, boy,
leave me alone

flakes of skin left under my nails
broken vessels from your hell
"promise you it'll be quick,
won't be too long now"
you make me sick

how can you call yourself a man?
my reputation doesn't mean that you can
i can taste your blood in my teeth
"piggy" scratched deep with my keys

shattered glass from waylie's metal pipe
scattered 'cross your car like stars tonight
paint drips down like blood from my thighs
you don't get to wink at me and lie

tried to hold my hand on the drive back
kiss my shotgun, daddy,
you like that?
ripping through my castle walls
***** stains and wrappers coat the hall

you'll get what's yours in due time
God never forgets to give me what's mine
made me feel like it was my fault
thought i could trust you,
but you stole it all away

i'll return the favor someday

there is something I have never talked about;
a consummation you'd **** me for,
if you found out.
lying there with bleach blonde hair,
cold ******* gaze;
He told me He loved me in the sweetest ways.

chandelier glows soft with frozen rays
as Pretty Boy gets lost inside my crystal bouquet.
I just perch there staring down at Daddy-Babe
as He whispers heavy all the ways
He'll make me pray.

waves come in and touch my toes
as I purr into his pillow and make it known
that Babydoll's not going anywhere;
His infectious affection's got me hooked like a drug,
crying softly in his neck as he groans.
I am the closest thing to Heaven He has ever known.

all the promises He makes and keeps
lead me to believe His heart is pure
and He deserves the best of me.
of all the men I've come to love,
He's the vision of God I've been waiting for.

you were a vision of god
in the trailer light
panting in my bare chest,
praying with all your might
said with no one on this earth
had you felt as free
as when you're lying flesh to flesh
under the sheets with me
in your arms, swear that i was found
blushing blue beauty queen
listening to the sound
of your boys footsteps
outside our bedroom door
wishing they were you in here
the man i was coming for

i no longer have anything to lose
and that makes me dangerous
for i am reckless in what i choose

you broke me bad, darling,
and now i teeter on the edge
floating faster, faster, faster to my demise

headlights pass and time stands still
my mind's been blown by an urge to live
that terrifies me into complete submission

my head is in the clouds
as john speeds in and out of traffic
but i am not afraid of what could be

tommy's got his shotgun out
and i'm bleeding now, but still devout
in my new man's little church down the street

jesus calls me from the stars
and pleads with me to slow down the car
but i don't know how so i just scream

my liver is muddy and my mind is fried
i'll take anything to ease the pain of what you've done
and i'll do anyone, including your best friend

i thought you'd be my valentine,
first time in my life, no big surprise,
but you left my heart shattered across the sky

the road is my home now
and stranger's beds are where i lay my dizzy head
dazzled and confused

it was always meant to be this way
but it's easier for me to say
you were the reason for my sweet, suicidal decay

and now they've left you all alone
and you're blowing up my phone
for a piece of heaven, for a diamond covered bone

but i can't let you in again
i can't let you win
yet i take another shot and sell my soul

you feel like heaven
between my thighs
when you fill my soul
stars form before my eyes
the way you breathe is intoxicating,
primal and raw in my ear
the way you hold me is maddening,
so close to you and dear
the world melts away
when your lips meet mine
or you catch my Monroe gaze
i'm in love with you Mr. Ocean Eyes
you taste like sin
and the trouble i'm in
i'm drunk off the way you speak to me
so fast and cheap
i miss your hand clenched
around my frail throat
and your hotboxed car
filled to the brim with smoke
Daddy, don't be mean
you're forever my King
no need to doubt my loyalty
when pretty kitty treats you like royalty

they say Hollywood legends
never fade from gold,
and we know Florida's coast
will never grow cold.
I wrote you pleading letters
and to my surprise
you returned them all
with summer's untimely demise.

Honey, where'd you go?
my Love, where do you hide?
you spend every day away
with no breath of goodbye.
you fed me pearls of promise
and chased them down with wine.
I'm not ready to leave just yet,
but I'm running out of time.

I know you loved me once,
you're not that bad of a guy;
you're held with such high regard,
yet the games you play really break my heart.
I should've known you were lying
when you came back around
saying I missed your bed like that;
I know what you're trying.

I can feel you leaving again
and my heart is broke;
what I thought would be beautiful
was just a shot in the dark.
I hope you'll be happy
with another beauty at your side,
but she'll never match my boriqua
or cast my longing gaze your way.

when i was eight

my mother and i
left my ****** father
after our bar play date
and here i am now

reliving their mistakes.
i wonder if they felt the same way?

i had a boy
who i had dreamt about,
who melted away my fears
and showed me how to be devout,
but i left him,
my willing victim,
for a man who breathed my name
and believed me to be the same age
as his brother,

his juvenile brother;
and he thought it was quite alright
to sneak a peek upside
my pleated skirt

with his camcorder
and sell what he had found to his friends.
boy, that's tough.
what i once thought was love
became a funhouse maze of
broken trust and confusion
mixed in with potent smoke

and i at seventeen became the underage joke
that he sat and laughed at
while i grasped at the ledge,
tried to pull myself up,
and the boy i had loved
heard about my new crowd
and left off to college without a single sound.

he wouldn't have me
and neither would the man
who choked me out with his blood stained hand.
now i lie in his bed and cry
for i have lost everything i had
all because a blue eyed boy
promised me everything he had

and i believed him.

i see you in the dark, my darling
waiting on edge in my front yard.
i float to you engulfed in flames
preparing for a bittersweet broken heart.

was it something that slipped
from my liquor stained red painted lips?
or casper herself casting a long shadow
on your barren sahara grey walls?

how long did you know that you'd leave me?
since the last time we made love
and you slipped back into the darkness
through my window without a parting kiss?
or did you know from the very beginning
with your white corvette crystal lies?

i remember the way you fought with me
in my bed, pushing me hard to the ground,
and my heart breaks with the death of the day
to think that i'll never hear your voice again
or your low groans or feel your fist wrapped
like a diamond necklace around my throat.

you haunt my dreams and i cannot sleep,
your shadow still waltzes around my room.
you're larger than life, my burnt out elvis.
they all told me you were a big time dealer.
siesta key was once your home, but now you ride
under the radar in your cool crimson beater.

prison called and your empire almost fell,
but you can't **** the king of floridia,
for he rules the dead straight from hell
without mercy; better take what you're dealt.

pretty kitty, always ocean blue and starry eyed,
baby's a god, heaven found in my cherry pie.
queen of hearts always knows what's on your mind;
i know you'll come around again and then you will be mine.

there's a teenage devil in my bed
who fills my flying head like
heavenly smoke with dreams of
black tiger stripe bruises that
slowly slink their playful way up
my siesta key tinted thighs

i'm tired of fighting, darling
my only wish is to get high
and give to you my lush cherry pie
but you roll con los bloods
and the look you're giving me
screams like sirens that i'd better run

i can't stay here where you
dream that tu eres mi amo
but i don't want to leave because
your big puppy eyes feel like home
if you only knew what i felt when you
swung your scarred fists or your hips

teenage diablo, eres mi rey,
mi tigre, your calendar kitten is calling while
white crystal **** sunshine illuminates
your pearly white fangs on this
lovely american birthday
i think i'll love you forever, daddy

something about your restless sighs and
that rock solid grip you maintain on my hips
melts my body into yours until all that
remains of me is a soft, purring song and
a high-pitched whine drowned out by those
low groans that make me promise not to stray

you don't even know how
much it pains me that you
can't see any beauty in the world
even though you have me,
your girl to shelter and mold.
you're always making excuses
and promises you can't keep
while expecting me to be true;
i know you don't love me.
at one moment there was the
faintest glimpse of love in your eyes
which faded to a glimmering
lightning bolt of lust.
the way you used to feel
is dead like my spirit and i'm
so close to putting you back on
the shelf from which i found you.
you do nothing but waste my time
and soak my face with tears.
my wedding dress is tattered,
daddy, you left me cold and blue.
if you no longer want me, my god,
i'm begging you just say it so
i can mourn your poor existence
and find my smile once again.

it's a thirty minute drive
from your house to mine
and yet you make it every time
to feel the heat between my thighs.

you are nineteen and i
am a small seventeen,
but that doesn't stop you
from lying to me everyday.

i used to be beautiful once,
a real dime they used to say,
but now i'm used and rotten;
only my youth and *** appeal remain.

he likes to watch my hips
shake and shimmy against his touch
and put me in his movies
that his friends all pay to watch.

did i know that john would ask
if i wished to be his twentieth?
why, yes, my dear, i did;
he asked me last june the same way.

you've got too many films
with me in the starring role.
i'm far too young to make them
and you are far too old.

come inside, i know you're dying
to see your movie queen.
did you bring the stuff;
the liquor and the ****?

they all tell me i
should leave you there,
but i'm too attached to go.
you loved me once on
the siesta key beach and
you promised me things
on my living room carpet
after we made love.

what happened to the man
who called me beautiful and
stayed up to see the sunset smile
on my golden flesh?
where did you go, my love?
i don't enjoy the slow
saturation of nectar tears
that trickle down my
cinema blue beaten face.

if i wanted to be used like
a piece of average teenage garbage
i would've stayed with the
drunken football player
or the alcoholic parolee
that loved me on a sheet next to
the street barely hidden by cars.
you're so worried about my past
that you can't see the blinding present.

my biggest regret was slipping you
into my ****** kiss the first time
i snuck out into the velvet night
to get a glimpse of you.
tell me, what makes you different
than ------ or ----- or ------?
you're just the same and as much of
a creep as ------- was.

you make me feel like i'm dreaming,
like i walk in a haze and i'm
tired of feeling crazy, summer stranger.
your threats don't frighten me
'cause they're emptier than your hollow ribs.
i'll call you when the moon rises and
the sun rules the tides or the bible parts
the seas the way you once parted my thighs.

go ask ------ if i care.
ask her if she'll let you
slip inside while you're at it;
tell her that you love her
two weeks in.

you're too rough and
the polaroids you took
left me with black
tiger stripe bruises on
my sarasota gold tinted thighs.

everyone i've talked to,
everyone who knows you,
warned me that you were a creep.
but how could a darling angel
turn out to be such a freak?

you're suffocating like his
smoldering cigarette smoke
and you choke me out with
your big macho paw just
the same way he did last december.

i am not a possession;
i belong to no one and
i surely don't belong to
a tall, lanky creep like you.
do you hear me?

i'm a young teenage girl with
ribbons in my hair and bright
white ruffled socks pressed
into the carpet; have you
forgotten that little fact?

you were all to eager to pummel
my juvenile cherry pie raw,
but you were only ever focused
on your singular, deviant,
carnally charged pleasure.

my warmth aches
for the pleasure it might receive
brought forth by the rigidity
of your wanton lust

my eyes grow heavy
saturated with tears and the syrup
of peaches, sweet nectar falls
slow molasses, dripping down my cheeks

the sun grows cold against my skin,
ashamed i've lost my way again,
misguided by empty compliments
and warm, callused hands

your fingers fit perfectly inside me
and melt away every inch of my being
i float farther towards paradise
when you're feeling my pulse

i missed you in the french alps
and was blue in the corridor, stained
with age and mystery from weary-eyed
girls luring men through broken shutters

paris is *****, you wouldn't like it there,
but rome is divine, with magic in the air
hold me close in your suit coat with wine in my veins
and thrill me above the streets, watch me cry out and pray

the aching loneliness that rises up into my throat, scratched raw with fire, and settles into my fragile rib cage as the most unwanted guest, has been there for as long as i can remember. my anxious, angst ridden youth has done little to put my soul at rest. perhaps it shall never rest.

i've never felt that i belong anywhere, for my soul grows tires if i remain in the same place for too long. i don't know if i'll ever find a place that i truly belong, but i hope i find it soon because the life i've been living is draining. so much so that i'd like to run away.

i am like the ocean, fickle and tumultuous, glimmering and dangerous. i can take you to strange place with exotic women and tropical delights, make you believe in every sight, every fata morgana, like it's the truth, and i can make you hurt. i can be cruel and unforgiving, showing no mercy for those who dare cross me. i can be a hurricane and sweep you up in a storm of unbridled passion and fiery rage. i can make you drown.

my dear, i am the lover you wish you had, the lover you wish you knew. i am the lover that would die for you.

i'll wait up for you on my throne in room thirteen, honey. i'll wait for you to come along and take a walk on the wild side for once; you'd like to think you're bad, nut i know in your heart you're soft. my soul won't wait long, so hurry up, boy, before time runs out.

don't you want to find heaven, honey?

let me just start out by saying, i'm sorry that my life's a mess, but you can leave anytime you'd like.
that is, if you want to.

i'm not trying to make you go, but i'm not trying to make you stay.
you don't deserve this ****.
if you left, I wouldn't be that mad.
matter of fact, i'd understand.
I know it's tiring; dealing with all of this.

just want you to know i'd still love you even if you left me high and dry: dangling like my diamond earrings.
i'd still cheer you on in life.
no matter what, i'll stay by your side.
even if you stopped loving me, i'd still love you.

I promise not to shed a tear when I see you up at Sunoco.
just know that I still love you when you're lying in her bed.
I won't make you leave, j, but I won't make you stay.
just want you to know that I won't wilt when you've made your choice.

i'm not trying to make you stay, but i'm not trying to make you go.
I don't deserve you.
when you leave I won't be that mad.
matter of fact, i'll understand.
I know it's tiring; dealing with all my ****.

just want you to know that i'll still love you, even when you leave me high and dry: shattered like the mirror on my wall.
i'll still cheer you on in life.
no matter what, i'll stay by your side.
even if you stopped loving me, i'll still love you.

(the tinsel has lost it's gleam. my silk roses have wilted. the engagement ring has been tucked away beneath the floorboards. I think i'm going mad. I swear, I can still hear your voice as the summer storms roll in around 2 am. I miss you so much I feel as though I might just- just- [stick my head right in the oven!].)

i'm just a rusty knife stuffed in the back of a drawer whose occupation is collecting dust. everything i do sounds like nails on a chalkboard but i don't care, it's not like i can change it anyway. there's a sour taste in my mouth that tastes a little like ***** and a lot like the acrid words i keep to myself. i'm choking on the smoke left behind by a broken promise that's burnt itself all the way down. the lacerations on my wrists may have healed but the scars will always remain like the hole you left in me. i'm rotting away in my room but it's not like i belong anywhere else so i guess it's okay.

i'm sorry i ever bothered and i'm sorry i ever tried. it's not like you gave a **** about me anyway, you made that pretty **** clear when you decided to abandon me.