bright lights begin to flicker
to a vast of darkness

as i lay in my bed
staring at the ceiling

recounting, remembering
pain, tragedy, depression.

i turn to my side,
where it is most comfortable.

imagining, a world unbeknownst to anyone else
where bright lights stay bright,

radiating, pulsating
from my true love’s heartbeat.

as my eyes are closed
i reach out to touch a face

only to be met by the fabric of my pillow
by this time, the lights have gone completely off.

i am alone.

“I am here.”

what? i sit up and look behind me.
my alter ego, staring back with hollowed out eyes
a mouth slit on both sides
tears of blood.
crying for someone to hug Her.

but it’s only met with my pain-filled echo.
“i am you.”

the sound of faulty cogs scraping against each other
as if something got jammed
or broken
would i have to throw it away all together?
i can't be bothered to fix it.
i don't know how.

electric wires become entwined between these rustic cogs
ripping apart, causing an ignition of a spark.
a spark of...
fear.
i could attempt to repair the wires,
but it's too late.
it's already touching the water.
the water of my tears.

mass chaos reigns, and i,
stupid me, stand there in the middle.
closing my eyes, covering my ears, breathing from my mouth.
thinking of better times.
as these cogs begin to break
as these electric wires begin to make
sparks into fires
i hear a sound
reverberate
from afar.

"you are chaotic. you destroyed yourself."

the screeching noises of the cogs become unbearable
the electric wires have tangled around my neck
my tears streaming down my cheeks trigger a spark

a spark of...
guilt.

i go limp, as i begin to catch on fire.
no screaming, i deserve this pain.

"you deserve all the worst things life will bring unto you."

and i open my eyes,
and see my reflection in the mirror.

keyboard clatters almost makes the same noise when the butterflies in my stomach flutter.

Hues of red, green, and blue.
I want to give all my love to you.

The warmth of the monitor after many hours of usage,
Almost feels like a warm hug after a beautiful date and an “I love you” message.

I told myself I wouldn’t fall for someone online again.
But for you, my love, I don’t mind going through hell and pay for my sins.

The start up of my laptop when it does the whir sound,
Feels like the excitement that rushes through me when you are around.

The pixels and glass screen can only do so much for us.
I long for the touch of your beautiful stardust.

I fell in love with someone I met online.
I truly believe he can possibly be forever mine.

Everything feels so out of reach right now.
I feel the pain from the snake sinking its fangs to my skin.
Puncturing and filling me with its poison.
It doesn't release enough to **** me, though it still leaves me paralyzed.
And some times I have to force myself to not taunt them.
They will know my motives and slither away until I'm better again.
Then the fangs will bite down on me as if they were eating a delicious apple.
and evening will come to fall for the sadistic trickery.
Thus leading to the eradication in which I had made my world to be.

I am powerless.

Please stop making it seem
Like I am incapable of pulling apart seams.
Strewn with strings of red stinging lies.
Ashes of bridges that I had to say goodbye.

Stop pretending that you'll be forever mine.
I'm still scared by last year's trauma that left me blind.
Stop trying to get close as I'm shoving you out the door.
I don't need you to come in, not while my heart is melting through the floor.

Just stop acting like I did a couple years ago.
You're going to get your heart quickly smashed, don't you know?
I speak from experience, so please stop holding on tight.
I might just turn into that April's night.

And you will regret it.
And I don't want to be responsible for a soul waiting to be ended.

Accidental paper cuts is where it starts.
You swiftly open your pink diary to write about the boy you fell in love with at recess.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put a bandage on your finger and you write about your elementary school lover.

Drawn hearts around their names, or putting your first name in front of their last, it’s all your secrets.

They will never know.


You grow fast into middle school, where you encounter your first real heartbreak.
You once again swiftly open your pink diary out of heart broken tears falling from your eyes.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood from your finger and put a bandage over your heart.

Scribble out the hearts, rip out his last name, cry silently into your pillow so no one can hear. Put on a mask in the morning until you are better. It’s all your secrets.

They will never know.


Fast forward to high school. Everyone is divided and different. People you once knew are once again memories. Lonesome days roaming hall ways. You tell yourself you’re used to it, but your mind thinks otherwise.
Once again, you swiftly open your pink diary to write about your boring day.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put...
and p-...
and...
...
Put a razor against your skin.

Swiftly gliding it from left to right.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s...

Amazing and exhilarating.

More. More. More.

Watch as I tear my arms into woven red spiderwebs.
Watch as I unravel this old bandage on my heart.
Watch as I show my vulnerability for just a moment.
I cant stop. I cant st op. The bleeding is n t stop ping.
I  c a n ' t  s t o-...
You put the razor down and look at the drips. you wash it off, throw away the bandages, put a sweater on and fall asleep. It's all your secrets.

They will never know.

It becomes a routine. Your pink diary begins to turn gray from dust. It doesn't help anymore. They put you on medications and therapy appointments, but you only get satisfaction opening your paper thin skin and watch as the lines well into pools of blood.

Drip.              
                 Drip.
   Drip.    

The sting in your arms is the only thing you can feel now. No one sees, it's all your secrets.

They will never know.

Never know...
What it's like to have this destructive addiction.
You see, I lied.
I knew the difference between paper cuts and razor blades when I was still learning long division.
It stopped being accidental after the first paper cut.
It began to be about glass shards on pale scrawny arms.
It began to be about long sleeves and pants instead of dresses.
It began to be about making excuses after excuses.

It's all my secrets.
They will never know.

... Never know until I cut one too many times.
Never know until my sleeves slide down my arms.
Never know until I puncture a vein.
Never know until I'm clinging onto lifeless pain.

It was all my secrets.
But eventually they knew.

They knew when pill bottles began to quickly empty.
They knew sweater weather was 6 months ago.
They knew the light in my eyes began to dim.
They knew I was suffering.

But I pushed them out.
Slammed the door and pulled down the sleeves.
Put on smiles and laugh like they do on TV.

Like an innocent child hiding paper cuts under bandages.
Growing into a ******* who finds solace in a razor.
Laughing at each tear that falls from my mother's face.
Door slams that just echo in my chest.
Digging more into my skin so I can just be put to rest.
This sweet, silent suffering is covered by a facade made of smiles.
But I still wince once in awhile.
It's just the cuts that rub against my inner side of my sleeves.

Reminding me of my dark thoughts.
Reminding myself of my weaknesses.
Reminding me of feeling something other than this numb orb,
that gnaws into every cell, ever nerve.
Up and down my arm until I feel the stinging static feeling.

Then I know it's time,
to start once again.
...
and...
It was all my secrets.
They weren't supposed to know.

I feel like the laughs and smiles rattle in my chest like my anti-depressants when I shake the bottle.

It feels so hollow and dark until I light up momentarily, and then it dies again.

The smiles and laughs are like bugs in a jar, you shake them and they move, but leaving them in too long kills them off.

I just can't understand why I cry feeling this pain but then inflict it upon myself when I can't feel anything at all.

I can't help but think how ****** up I am, taking pills, talking about my problems, slicing my arms until they drip with blood.

It's impossible for me to be happy when this hollow feeling lingers with my emotions as its prisoner.

Shaking itself, rattling them up to taunt them until they cry out.

I can't live in this false hope anymore.

There is no help for me, no happiness for me here.

They're just echoes that bounce off the walls in my chest.

No one can hear the loud pain beneath this numb body.

It's like screaming for help underneath water.

and happiness is the one keeping me under. It's

Pointless

Lies,

Egocentric

Abuse,

Silence

Eerie filled rooms full of avengeful ghosts. I can't help but feel,

Hateful

Erratic

Lament

Perplexed by these feelings that rattle in my ribcage.

Maybe this life isn't for me
Eternal emptiness that can not be fulfilled.