you terrify me
because i know that in years to come
when i am finally happy and settled down,
you will come along,
and i wont even second guess walking
away from that life to be with you.

to be broken all over again.

- Leah

I dream of you sometimes,

It's like im taking you in small doses
to keep myself going.

reducing the amounts bit by bit
so i can finally live without you.

but today,
god, today.
I couldnt stand the loneliness

so now ive taken it all.
i rang you to finally be all consumed
to find i dont exist in your life anymore.

some of us go cold turkey like you
and some of us arent that brave and want to hold on with every last bit of hope we have.

but now that hope is gone.
gone

goodbye

- leah

I remember, after it ended
I would check

check up on you
see how you are

scour your Instagram feed
in the hopes of finding out you were lonely

I would check if you have seen my
most recent Snapchat story

or wait for the notification that
you liked my post

but yesterday

I uploaded, an image of me laughing
genuinely laughing
and i didn't check.

- Leah

Please don't look at me like that
I cant lose you all over again.

- Leah

Your not mine

and you've made it perfectly clear that
you don't want to be

but the bit that hurts the most is
you not even someone else's.

- leah

I didn’t think that you could get
used to someone’s abscene.

But here I am getting used to yours.

- leah

when i left my house this morning
it was raining, no, storming
i ran to my car in a hurried sprint
trying to make it to shelter before i
got drenched in the down pour

as i sat in the drivers seat
i thought to myself
about how much i loved this weather
that i loved how miserable it was
the dark clouds
the lingering dampness
the possibility of danger because of it

and then i had a realization

how come when its thunder storming i dash for shelter
but when you create a thunderstorm i stand right in the middle?

- Leah

I want to belong to someone.

- leah

How do you manage to make every
conversation sound like our last,

like your saying goodbye.

- Leah

You still might break my heart
You have a lifetime to do it.

- leah

Clock strikes twelve

I stare at my phone
Messages piling in
Of the same words

“Happy new year”

From friends, family, exes

And then... you

“Happy new year Leah”

And suddenly my new year is no longer happy

Because you don't bring me joy,
just pain.

- leah

Sometimes a love is so strong it causes nothing but destruction.
A love so powerful that it damages the other person.
It tears them apart and leaves them scarred for the rest of their lives wounds so deep that nothing in the world can heal.
Wounds that leave you romantically paralyzed.

What if these people go about their lives convincing themselves that they're in love with another person just to get old and realize they've missed out on something truly magical.

What if that's us?

- Leah

I’ve spent so long being my own woman,
I don’t know how to share myself anymore.

- Leah

I’m fighting the urge to talk to you.
I keep typing out the message and erasing it at the last minute.
Hoping that if I keep doing that you might text first.

But you won’t.
Neither of us will.

It’s been settled now,
It’s all over

We said goodbye to each other on that late night drive last year,
Call it our own little leaving party.

We both live in the same area but will never talk again.

And that’s okay
It’s safer that way

For me at least

But sometimes,
I miss having someone to talk to.

I wish I could talk to you.
I want to tell you about the books I’ve been reading and the places I’ve visited that I know you’d love.

But I can’t.
And that’s okay.

I miss having you to talk to.

- Leah

We all know the pain of love,
or the end of it.

But the pain of a broken friendship,
now that is unmatched.

- Leah

Seeing you in pain hurt
me more than you could know.

- Leah

Your too late,
Now you have to hurt.

Just like I did.

- leah

Sometimes it’s not that I want to be alone, it’s that I need to be.

I need to hear nothing but my own thoughts, to hear my body breathing to remind myself that there is blood flowing through these veins.

To be able to sink back into my mind and have a conversation that doesn’t exhaust me because it’s only with myself.

Sometimes.

I just need to be me.

- L.W

I am so tired.

Right down to my core, my heart is tired.
But not tired in the traditional sense.

Tired where i dont want to live.
I don't want to live in a city.
I don't want to work a dead end job.
I don't want meaningless relationships.

Tired of life. This life.

The one thing in my life i never questioned was you
and now i can't stop.

- Leah

I woke up missing you.

- leah

be patient with me
things take time

i take time

be slow, don't rush it
it will take time for my body to feel loved again

don't ignore the bruises and scars people have left behind
don't lose hope if i shy away
don't worry if i flinch

it takes time to get over the past
be there for me
that's all i ask

- Leah

I don’t think about you anymore
at least I thought I didn’t
until I was holding his hand
and my finger stroked his thumb
feeling  around for the mole you have
then I realised that his hands aren’t yours.

I miss that mole.

- Leah

I’m not scared I won’t fall in love again,
I’m scared that I won’t love him as much
as I loved you.

- Leah

I know it’s over,
and it has been for a while.

But I don’t know what to do with all this love I have for you.

It’s just sitting in my chest with no one to call home.

Because the only one it wants,
is you.

- leah

She does not let parts of her go easy
Definitely not her love

But you came along and all was gone
You were never just some fun

You took her years, her pride her joy
Even a chunk of her heart

But how is she meant to move on when you have the biggest part

- leah

I had a thought today.
About you and me.

And it was that.
I’ve never wanted a little version of me ruining around.
But god do I want a little version of you.

i change you in my writing,
from present tense to past

i change you in my writing,
but only to make you last

i change you in my writing,
to remind me that it happened

i change you in my writing
because your the only thing that matters.

leah