I slide, you grind.
I nibble, you dither.
I touch, you moan.
I feel, you gasp.
I open, you erupt.
I wrap, you linger.
I explore, you groan.
I rub, you beg.
I claw, you stare.
I guide and you surrender
Making us captives of lust
And passion.
-Khushi :)

I want to beat you to death with a blunt object.

I want to grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your ribcage in.

I want to sharpen fifty pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead ends in your mouth, and punch the erasers.

I want to strap you to a bed of nails and then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake.

I want to burn your dog in front of you, mix his ashes with gunpowder, melt his bone-shaped name tag into a small metal ball, load it all into a musket, and shoot you in the face with him.

I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and then somehow not survive a small fender ****** on the way back from the hospital.

Today I broke a promise
to the little girl
who vowed to be different
from the rest of her family

Today I broke a promise
to the smiling siblings
saying, "Don't be us"
who were so proud

Today I broke a promise
to the future I held
which was so bright
and so promising

Today I broke a promise
to the children
I will someday have
as they gag, "Mommy, that's gross"

Today as I drew the cigarette
to my chapped young lips
inhaling the revoltingly sweet flavor;
I broke a promise.

I want so badly for good things to happen
I want them to turn the other way around
I want it to bring light to my darkness
I want the dark clouds away
I want more sunshine and rainbows
I want a garden with pretty flowers
I want a life I can call my own
But no

I want to be called strong but not because I'm broken
I want us to stop yelling at each other
I want them to love him as much I love him
I want good things to happen but it barely even happens

Life is so short so why follow the rules
I break them yet I still feel bad
I am tired of feeling so short of luck
I am tired of feeling not good enough
I am tired of being everybody's charm

For once I want to be the happiest I can be
Not for love, friends or storybooks
Life
Just life
Just me

For once I want to be able to prove to them I am worth something
I want to be able to show them
That not all things that are bad for them are bad for me
Not everybody they encounter are the same people that I meet

He isn't like you
Your friend
Or your neighbor
Or your husbands

My friends are not like yours
That talks behind your back
Call you names when you're not listening

Mine are family
He is my family
Well you too are family
But they are more than you'll ever be to me
And that fact breaks my heart even more

I have this notion
That humans aren't meant to get close
To other humans
That people aren't meant to love
Other people
That hearts aren't made to bond
With other hearts

We are but floating bodies
Looking for life's purpose
Believing in this ridiculous notion
That love is real

For love is nothing but empty promises
And broken hearts full of sorrow
Love leaves nothing but bruises
And tears hoping for a better tomorrow

So don't apologize for leaving
Apologize you promised to stay
Alas I should've known better
People always leave anyway

And you tell me I'm cynical
You tell me I'm broken
You tell me I'm crazy
You tell me....
But that doesn't matter does it

It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
Because in the end I'm right
In the end you'd never stay
...

I wish you knew me
But you never tried
You viewed me through your own
Judgmental, naive eyes

You say you know me
Better than any of the rest
After all, a mother should know
Her own daughter the best

But you don't know that I write poetry
Or that I smoke and gaze at the moon
Or how I met my best friend
Or how I had my first heartbreak last June

You don't know my favorite animal
Or what I want to be
Or why I don't believe in god
You've never once tried to see

But you claim you know me
That you've always tried
That you view me through your own
Loving, caring, Mother eyes

What did I do
what did I say
what could I have said
why did you go away

I loved you more than words can give
you were amazing to me
you were so beautiful
nurturing just enough to leave me wanting

You were my hero
you were so strong
you could make me laugh tears
I loved you more than words can give

Abandonment became my world
the pain nurtured my fears
people were there only to twist the knife deeper
and increase my baggage

Family is supposed to love
I have seen their world myself
Why was I unlovable
Why did you choose selfishness over blood

I needed you,I wanted you
but someone has found me
so I want to say goodbye to all my wounds
allowing his love to carry my baggage and heal my broken heart

I remember the first night we put you on suicide watch.
I remember how you stayed in my room all night long and laid on my bed while I tried to make you believe that I needed you more than anyone else in my life.
That sentence still stands.
I love you.
You're still my best friend.
And being gone during such a huge, hard part of your life is breaking me down.
And I want nothing more than to tell you all this and stay up late talking to you about infinities and the impossible.
And I want to be 5 again.
Back to when you and I were both happy.
And neither of us looked for bottles of pills or busy traffic streets.

A little over a week away from Christmas and it's seventy degrees in Philadelphia

In this household, the Christmas tree has no plans on going up this year and presents aren't in my near future

This is a summary of 2015