i live in a house with closed doors,
people who are so cold, so angry.
i hate this
i can't stand sane no more

its been chasing me for six years.
a wave that i fear will turn into a tsunami,
something i thought i could mend with other people,
finding hands with fingers to intertwine with,
lips that kissed the crevices of my mind,
words that crawled up my veins and pumped something new into my heart.
any element that could contribute to the dam i was building,
a wall to stop the waves from coming again,
where i would never think about ceiling fans and ropes again,
something that would tell me wrists and scissors do not belong together,
a first aid to bandage up my eyes from envisioning what i constantly saw.
every time i had a connection i would hope this was the light at the end of the tunnel,
drove through boys who did not perceive me as worth while,
kissed lips i'd never see again, intertwined fingers with hands that did not fit right, heard words that did not heal anything.
i was running away from myself...all i had done created nothing but memories that push through the walls of dams, making sure the waves came back year after year,
and now i fear to face the truth, that the only one that can mend this current is myself.

There are people that
Irritate me and I have
To beat them senseless

Broken and bruised, torn and hurt.
My body aches, lack of sleep and nutrition.
Self-mutilation, starvation, and abused.
Rough around the edges, but sweet to the core.
You’d never know though, through all the hurt, all that is seen is rebellion.
No one knows this world in which I live.
It’s a terrible one.
One where I wish fairytales existed.
Once where I wish I was never born into this despicable existence.
I’m a shadow in a land of darkness, a lost soul without a purpose.

when i knew you
you lit cigarettes in your mouth
and flowers in my heart. blossoms
wrapped like vines of ivy in my
bones, and your arms wrapped
around me. tulips touched my arms,
and two lips touched my cheek.
an oak tree keeps me tall, and
you kept me grounded. with you,
every day was like springtime,
everyday was happiness. and now
you are gone, and everyday is
winter.

To my lovely girl
The ever-so-beautiful wallflower
I love you
And thank you so much for the lovely letter
I think you caught me reading the letter
Over and over again
Cuz' it was like you giving me a piece of your heart
And it felt good to read it
And the extinguished little flame of hope
has lit up again.
Thank you so much.
And I loved the quote you wrote.
It had so much of meaning in it;
I could appreciate its true essence.
Hey wallflower, you're a
beautiful girl
inside and out.
Keep smiling
And I will smile along with you!

you told me to be levelheaded
because symmetry is what makes a beautiful face.

instead,
I will touch my stomach
to the bottom of the pool
so you can’t examine me
without being as low as I am.

if you still want to see,
meet me in the deep end—
we can have a toxic tea party
just you and I.

maybe,
when I finally float to the top
you’ll say
my sense of foolishness
is what you’ve always
loved.

Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...