I'm sure after this, nothing will remain,
Not you or this, not even a stain,
For when my mind runs, you can't stop it,
No matter how fast you run, it will never quit,
So come to terms, knowing that nothing will remain,
That once it starts, all horrors-it claims,
It loves the dark cruel things,
And all the dark things they bring,
Like the image of you with another, any other,
Than me in your arms, as I'm in a storm,
That will never end, as I have no friends,
All dreams dead in this world, that my mind brings me to,
It leaves me small and curled, as this I didn't even choose,
But it happens anyways, and maybe this time it'll stay,
As nothing will remain, as everything from my life it will drain,
As I wake up with nothing, but a constant sting in my heart and a ring in my ears, as my eyes will have even lost all tears...
Will you still want to be around,
When I will have found; everything in my life-burnt to ash,
There is no catch, but no guarantee...
....that you won't get burnt down with me.

Its 12:46 and I'm wondering if she's the one you're staying up late for. Does she fill your stomach with butterflies, like I did? Does her name sound so sweet it melts in your mouth when you say it? Does she graze your skin with her fingertips, like I did? Does the taste of her mouth get you drunk? Does she stare into your green eyes and melt into them, like I did? Does she point out when your lower lip trembles? Does she curl her fingers into yours, like I did? Do they fit just as perfectly? Does she kiss you deeply in the morning as she does in the night, like I did? Do her hips fit perfectly in your hands? Does she tell you how much you mean to her, like I did? Do you hesitate before saying it back? Does she smile at you from a distance, like I did? Does she bring you laughter even when she's gone? Does she love you as much as I did? Do you love her as you loved me?
Or did you never love me to begin with?...

You held my hand,
You gave me hope,
You said I'll never be alone.

You called me yours,
I called you mine.
Throughout time,
It became a lie.

She popped up,
Like a jack-in-the-box.
She took your hand,
She showed you her ways,
You left me for her.
Today was the day

I cried,
My eyes turned red,
I no longer can cry,
I feel dead.

You said forever,
I said it too,
But baby,
You knew the truth.

I fell in love,
I gave it my all.
But in the end,
I was always alone.

I guess you could say I've been okay lately
But I've been sleeping all the time just to escape myself
And I've started hating all of the people I love

Daddy, why are you hitting me?
It really hurts now, can't you see?
you are putting me in pain,
these secrets I hold I can't contain.
I am only four
there goes another glass you pour.
put the bottle down,
get yourself together, stop acting like a clown.
I just wanted your love, but my heart has a different kind of beating.
The kind of beating that's physical and full of shame,
daddy I am done playing this game.
who's that girl, what happened to mommy?
as you are seducing that girl right here in front of me.
I see your done too...
you move away
to become "clean" so to say.
those new kids of yours, sure love their dad.
do they know about the past you have had?
you don't hit them like you hit me?
you don't drink or smoke like you did when I was three.
I just wanted your love and affection
but you give it to someone else, why make corrections?
Do you still remember me, rememeber us?
the wife and kids you left in the dust?
Daddy, why'd you have to leave me...
leave me with this secret I can't tell anybody.
Mommy doesn't suspect a thing,
I am keeping the secret like you told me.
but if anybody asks,  I shall tell.
about the time I lived in hell.

i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when we talked about going to seattle?
you said you liked the rain
and the fact that no one there would know you,
i just wanted to be wherever you were.
i was never afraid of the dark
when you talked about yours.
i still don't have words for what i felt
when you told me the only other number
you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine.
i keep telling myself you're not allowed
to just exit and re-enter my life as you please,
but i leave the door unlocked,
so what does that make me?
the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke,
is still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
other lovers have tried to pry it out of me,
but the memory of you is like lockjaw.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember the lizard you caught last summer?
you let me name him forrest.
if life is a box of chocolates,
there are pieces missing,
and whatever is left has gone stale.
i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore
without wondering where you are
or if you're smoking too.
i hope you're not drinking,
i know you hate what it does to you.
your secrets are still tucked between my ribs,
i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you
if you ever lose your way home.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when you told me
about the person you were afraid of becoming,
i said i wasn't scared,
and i told you i was proud of you?
i'm still proud of you.
i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy.
i hope you still make yourself laugh.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember what movie we were watching
the night you got arrested?
i still can't finish it.
i am holding the place.
can we pick up where we left off?
can we stand up and wipe the dust off?
i never got to tell you why i only write in pen,
or why i can't sleep with socks on,
or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain
fishing for change.
i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely.
the only reason i haven't called
is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail,
but if i ever find myself in indiana again,
you'll be the first to know.

- m.f.

You used to chew tobacco on late nights like this,
on late nights when we couldn't find the stars in the sky.
You would always say you hated the world
and then kiss me when you remembered I existed.
Then suddenly you fell in love with a new kind of light-
no longer the ones that burned in my hands
but a name like a hushed prayer
on your lips
that no longer met mine.
Nights like this became worrying
as I sat by the piano-
quietly playing your favorite song-
hoping I'd hear your
car in the driveway.
Nights like this became following the smell of alcohol
up the stairs to our bedroom-
you said over and over again about how you
were too tired to talk
and I was always too tired to argue.
Nights like this became blurry vision from wasted tears
and pressing cold meat to my eyes--
but I never stopped waiting for the constellations
to appear
hoping that the stars I once found in your eyes
would return.

i hope i left a gap in your life
the way losing a tooth leaves a hole in your mouth
and you keep running your tounge over
where it used to be