i miss you so much it hurts my whole body. do you remember when we talked about going to seattle? you said you liked the rain and the fact that no one there would know you, i just wanted to be wherever you were. i was never afraid of the dark when you talked about yours. i still don't have words for what i felt when you told me the only other number you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine. i keep telling myself you're not allowed to just exit and re-enter my life as you please, but i leave the door unlocked, so what does that make me? the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke, is still stuck to the roof of my mouth. other lovers have tried to pry it out of me, but the memory of you is like lockjaw. i miss you so much it hurts my whole body. do you remember the lizard you caught last summer? you let me name him forrest. if life is a box of chocolates, there are pieces missing, and whatever is left has gone stale. i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore without wondering where you are or if you're smoking too. i hope you're not drinking, i know you hate what it does to you. your secrets are still tucked between my ribs, i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you if you ever lose your way home. i miss you so much it hurts my whole body. do you remember when you told me about the person you were afraid of becoming, i said i wasn't scared, and i told you i was proud of you? i'm still proud of you. i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy. i hope you still make yourself laugh. i miss you so much it hurts my whole body. do you remember what movie we were watching the night you got arrested? i still can't finish it. i am holding the place. can we pick up where we left off? can we stand up and wipe the dust off? i never got to tell you why i only write in pen, or why i can't sleep with socks on, or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain fishing for change. i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely. the only reason i haven't called is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail, but if i ever find myself in indiana again, you'll be the first to know.