There needs to be a goodbye.
Inside my head at least.
There is only an endless sea of ideas that are having their feast
And I feel like drowning in it.

It is funny, because I just now am learning to swim,
At the tender age of 28.
And it was looking like I might actually be able to activate
The truth within me.

Couple months ago I have found the sense
To escape the lies.
Before that of course I was only looking for truth inside your eyes.
All I found was

A man incapable and a woman unable.

She was, well, not me.
Some twisted, cornered,
Broken version of me that I never could have imagined the honor
Of even dreaming.

She was looking for healing
In every pair of eyes,
but hers.
In every gush of wind to bring the release and the lightness
For the spirit in her soul.

And her soul, oh her soul cried.
Tired, trying to be heard,
Her soul tried every trick in the book of the earth.
And she heard.

Finally, angels praised, she awoke.
Her soul was revealing the truth she has always known.
It is dark, 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night and as always,
She is alone.

A couple days ago
I’ve checked up on you.
I admit, even though I’ve let go,
I couldn’t miss out, had to
See your last show.

I had to know
You’re alright.
You don’t sing the bridge like you used to.
Or maybe it was just that night?
Do I care? I don’t know if I hope that you do.

Since I left, I’ve become fuller.
Therapy helps and yes, now I can see.
I was such a stupid woman.
I still am, it’s that now I can breath and just be,
I don’t break upon hearing your name.

I’ve checked up on you, I admit.
You were laughing, dancing and smiling.
I’m so glad that I did what I did.
Despite that lingering, horrible feeling
I can’t shake. I still care.
I still care.

I still care.

There are three words that wake me up.
They ask me boldly if I’m over and out.
Those three words are “happy or sad”.

Can you guess what my answer is?
Can you see it, read it between the lines?
Any poem, you chose one of mine, maybe this?
Happy or sad?

I am looking at the night sky and the stars smile back.
They are beautiful, such as you are.
You reach out and I take your hand.
Lights appear, as if we were approached by a car.

Turn around and you’re not there to find.
And my hand, it is empty once more.
I look back at the sky and it’s dark.
There’s no light and no stars anymore.

Am I making myself super clear?
Shall I make for a new start?
I had no idea I was loved by a star.
Happy or sad?

If you,
my love,
my twin star,
my twin soul,

want me to be with another ,
I will fulfil your wish.

But please, oh please,
Make another wish.

Forgive me. I’m at it again.
Addiction? Attraction? Confession.
Was looking so deep into it then,
I almost could see your reflection.

My heart is unshaken, it’s certain.
It’s yours that will beat by its side.
Until then all it has is to do with the hoping.
You are close. I can feel it inside.

I have got a burning desire
To look at the world's greatest sins
To cleanse all of them by the fire
Find the courage to see what it means

To be close and be vulnerable, human
Open up and not shut people off
To enjoy when the flowers are blooming
And find out what it means to be loved.

I have this melody in my head.
It is real, you can actually listen.
It sometimes makes me wish I was dead
And then others, it feels like I've actually risen.

To the stars and pulled back I was thinking
How much
I would like to see you.
Over there, on the side of the road.
I'd pretend you were looking at me when it actually was
true.

And I'd wait for this dream to be gone but it wouldn't.
And I know that I actually shouldn't,
But I'd go to you in that moment of fearlessness just to see you closer a little bit.

What is the true colour of your hair when you stand in the sun?
What is the shade of your skin under all that tan?
What's the colour of your eyes when you're looking at me?
Do your lips taste like a mint cup of tea?

Do I have to wake up from this dream?

Is there a version of this life where I am loved by you?
Is there a day when you tell me the truth?
Is there a time for us to be close?

Sorry, I’ve done it again.
Too much on the nose.
Too open.
Too soon.

In ten days when I land in London
Don't come looking for me in the park.
Don't go searching the alleys in Camden
I won't wait at my favourite landmark.
I'll be looking through different venues
Watching closely the people I love.
Getting tired of marvelous hypocrites, whose
Affections are shown with the glove .

I've been staring at this for a minute.
Empty page and my mind just went blank.
Have I lost it, forgotten the meaning?
Where's the way for turning it back?

I've got such a tentative nature.
Can't decide what to do with it all.
How to manage and tame the emotions,
Set my mind to reach only one goal?

Don't belong in my country of origin,
Don't believe in the same things they do.
I can't bare all the lies, they are horrible
Wish to choose my own life, start anew.

See, I had an unfortunate error
Being born where I was has it's price
No one cares who you are or what's fair
They assume, you are bad in their eyes.

Have a wish that's so vibrant and lively.
I might never be able to be.
Who I am, show them my personality.
And sometimes I just don't want to live.

do your words have any meaning?
I can't seem to get the gist.
I've been doing too much dreaming
that is my cross to bear, my mind insists
I'm kind and selfless, I am supposed to be that way.
The heart is vigilant and restless, it struggles every single day.
To stay polite and quiet, fragile.
To be like they invision me inside.
To be their perfect little angel.
I swear I couldn't. even if I tried.
I am myself without pretending
It's not as hard as you may think.
The people's lies are neverending.
This is the hardest ******* thing.
I need the truth, I won't take liars
I won't be playing guessing games.
Come tell me all about desires
We might be feeling just the same.

Tell me honestly: do I deserve this?
Feeling scared of your silent smile.
If we never explore the connection, I
will certainly call it a miss.
Maybe later on some other continent
I will get to experience life.
But for now I have only resentment
And a head full of dreams and the light.
Want to share them with you, want to tell you
How I've been, what I did on that day.
Want to hear all your stories of glory or
When you felt like the world has turned blue.
This is such inexplicable fantasy
I can't stay in this state anymore.
Beg of you, for the sake of my sanity
Leave me here on this cold marble floor.

I can't seem to finish a poem these days
They are all about you.
Thinking about the message that says

"I
Love
You".

Love. Words. Love.
All we have is words, all we ever had was words, though all we ever have is love.
Was thinking of saying that I loved you calling me golden, but the fact is you never called me at all.
And yet

"I
Love
You".

The idea.
What could have been, what we could have been. What we were. What we are.?

I
Love
You.

I've got dreams of you tempting me, torturing.
They are sweet sometimes, others I dread.
When you reach for my hand, I feel butterflies.
Being next to you seems like a threat.

I've got dreams of you loving me, frightening.
Hand in hand walking slow by the beach.
Those are cruel, such confusing illusions.
When I wake you're nowhere I can reach.

I've got dreams of you touching me, troubling.
Screaming soul of mine begging for peace.
I've got dreams you were mine, unmistakably.
Till I woke I was feeling at ease.

So much hope for my love

So much hope