"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Now that's a trick question because I don't even see myself surviving till tomorrow.

Intangible facets of chaste delicacy
dance under the curtains in poised stability;
shattered, self-battered, strengthened it may,
those fine lines, those fissures, his cigarettes portray.

Would it be poetetic to take this blade across my wrist
The silver kissing at my arteries

Would it be romantic
To die because of love
Possessive hands choking me.

Would it be beautiful
To breath my last breath
Leaving behind all those who care.

Or would it be tragic to abondon this world before my time.
Mother and father crying over me.

I understand your frustration
With my lack of motivation
And my repetitive procrastination
But you need to realize
I'm only doing what I need to
To survive
Music and books
Keep me alive
Therefore
if you wish to see me
Tomorrow morn
Please leave me be

Sometimes we fall in love with the dark
and I of all people, know this best.
Sometimes we are too broken to
be healed by anything this world has to offer.
I have read this story a thousand times.

When I was 17 I learnt at 2 am
when you are not yet asleep,
and the voices have been
screaming inside of you for hours
your only friend is the darkness that surrounds you.

When her hand fits so perfectly within yours
how can you asked for a better lover?
She has always been there for you,
even when the rest of the word left
and you didn’t know, if you will see tomorrow.

And there has been so many days were
I didn’t know if I would ever see tomorrow.
Still early in the morning she has always
called me back before the sun as risen.
I have always came back.

the collar on my jacket is frayed
but I have clothes on my back

(just)

the packaging is white with green print
but I have food in my belly

(of sorts)

the soles talk and leak when I walk
but I have boots on my feet

(for now)

so I’m OK

(I suppose)

***** deep into the Smart Price ™ life
this man, his daughters, his son and his wife
where all their food comes at discounted price
expired meat and rationed heat
sweepings and fat wrapped in plastic

the walk was wholly unexpected, but it was easy
leaving the town where the forward leaning walkers
were the slowest thinking talkers steeped in sugary urgency,
and all the way we **** giltterballs and Skittles

today
i feel weak and small
today
small problems become big
my brain is so full
i can hardly speak
today*
i’m batteling my mind
fighting the pain
trying to survive
with teary eyes
and an aching heart

*(s.m)

I am not afraid of the depression anymore
I am a warrior
This is my body protesting the trauma and the injustice
I was born to stand up
For all the worlds mothers and daughters, sisters, aunties, fathers, cousins
My body is just trying to say listen to me now please
This pain cant be processed if you keep your eyes and mouth shut
Just listen in to the inner child
Nobody did
So you must
Only then can you help the others

No this is not true! I have to help them
Mine was nothing compared to others
Clouds rapidly gather
The thoughts become over whelming
I feel like vomiting and hear my stomach rumble
I am overwhelmed
Did it really happen to me?
Its not true!
Its not true!
So I numb body this morning as usual
With another spliff

In silence we mourn for now
Its just how it goes
Everyone that knows wonder how I can be functional
They say I am a survivor, an inspiration
Huh?
Truth is the real pain has begun only 10 years after
And I haven't been to work  much these days
I am a survivor but I am not functioning, I never did
Like i used to write back then in my diary
I was on autopilot
Destination - self destruction

Its not easy and I am just at the beginning of the end of this chapter

But I am no longer afraid of the depression