I
used
to
cut
when
I
would
disconnect,

but
now
I
think
I'm
hurting
you
instead.

I am a human being
I am a human being
I am a human being
I am honest
I am strong
I am beautiful
I can be friends with whoever I want
I can protect myself
I can defend myself
The world is not out to get me
I am me
I am my own person
I do not exist at the expense of others
MY life choices should not control someone else's
Someone else's life should not control mine
I am not property
I am allowed to roam
I am allowed to be depressed for no reason
I am allowed to be happy for no reason other than I am happy
I will not cheat
I will not lie
I have never cheated
I have never lied in that matter
I never will
I am trustworthy
I am not my mother
I am not my father
I am not my past
I am honest
I am careful
I am hushed
I am scared
I am in love, and it terrifies me
Love controls me
Love tells me to not have friends
Love tells me I cannot stray
I cannot be by myself
I am not allowed to talk to anyone it doesn't know
I am not allowed to talk to anyone it does know
I have restrictions
MY love is bold
MY love is loud
It does not care what it does
It only wants to exist alone
So when my love exists
I do not

The stars line the skyline,
and the moon lies beside me.
It's not often the sun and the moon intertwine.
It seems we have finally crossed paths;
You call me your sunrise, and you are my moon.
After countless years we have finally met and while astronomy says it is meant to be brief,
I'm begging for a miracle and for the chance of an eclipse.
And while it could end the world should it last too long,
We'd get what we've been asking for.
To spend every moment of the rest of our lives,
together.

You held my hand as I showed you my deepest of scars,
and I held yours as you did the same.
We each held the moment as though it were to die should we release it.
And because of your grasp, I knew it was a moment worth keeping.

Disheveled and groggy, I wake to your smile as you calmly run your hand over your face.
Tired eyes meet mine and I welcome you.
I grasp my pillow when I am urged to hold you;
You are not mine.
Your eyes are focused on your phone and impulse begs me to take it,
throw it to the side,
and kiss you.
It beckons me to distract you from the hectic that has been your recent days.
I clench my pillow.
You turn your attention to me and ask what the matter is.
The anger dissipates from your clouded eyes when landing on me.
As dim as the room is, it reminds me of moonlight.
Soft, embracing.
Instead of responding, I trace the flames on your right forearm.
In this moment, I am warm.
You do not further in asking, instead you lean your head against mine and let out an exasperated sigh.
My free hand clenches my pillow.
Inside I am imploring,
"I want to love you how she never could.
"I want to love you purely.
"I want to love you wholesome."
Instead, I softly press my lips against the tattoo I was tracing.
Your fingers loosely find their way to mine, and we lay.
Quietly,
Comfortably.
I recite the moment I kiss your lips.
I plan it, step by step.
Perfectly.
Doubt drowns me out and while our lips are mere inches apart,
this is not the moment I will close the gap.
I instead bring my eyes to yours and scream every emotion I am feeling.
You grin softly at me and lay your head down, closing your eyes.
I lazily drape an arm across your chest and you drift off with an arm around me.
As you drift away to the sleep you **** well deserve,
I whisper all of the things I'd never tell
you
while you
were
awake.

We are sitting in your car, and we are quiet.
The sun has set and the only illumination is the streetlights of the city I've told you I wanted to show you since the day we met.
For once, we are not holding hands.
Three hours prior we were staring at one another across the top of a table at Qdoba and you assured me things were working out. You assured me that we could continue as we were. This wasn't goodbye.
I assured me you weren't forcing those words, yet three hours later, as we are leaving the city I never got to show you, you are not looking at me.
The day before I would not hesitate to say I love you.
The day before, I would not doubt your touch.
The day before, I explained to you that I do not say "goodbye" when planning to see someone again. "Goodbye" is too permanent a term, "goodbye" is when you can't promise you'll come back.
Now, we are sitting in my basement and you lie on the couch.
I am sitting on the floor.
You're looking at your phone as I look for something to watch on the TV, and you do not seem to care what.
I look for something for you.
As it plays and you watch, I watch how quickly we are fading.
My heart yearns to show to you that I believe we are worth this, but just like the sun faded from the sky and we were overcome by the night sky,
it seemed the light had faded from your eyes and you no longer saw the sky in mine.
I attempt to make my way beside you on the couch, and I soon realize that there's no longer room in your life for two.
I found myself memorizing each freckle on your face,
I found myself remembering the shades of blue your eyes kaleidoscope into when hit by the sun.
I found myself wondering just when they might see sun again,
as I could tell they no longer shone when looking at me.
It was then that I realized my heart was no longer full of love,
it was empty from the lack of reciprocation.
You looked at me as though I held the answers to everything you'd ever asked,
but I feel as though you quickly realized I was an issue, outdated.
You left about midnight.
I kissed you as you left, and I thanked you for coming.
You assured me it wasn't a problem.
I told you that I loved you,
and you told me you loved me, too.
You said "goodnight,"
and for the first time,
I said
*"goodbye."

I woke up with a sinking feeling,
one I couldn't place.
You quickly told me you were drowning,
and it didn't take long for me to realize that
we were sinking fast.
It was then that I realized it'd be
weeks before I saw your face.
As you abandoned ship,
it hit me that there was only one life jacket between us.
You apologized as you left.
You made it to shore as
I was lost in the undertow.