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Oct 2015 · 504
Jessica Jones Oct 2015

With kindness and patient eyes,
soft of voice and friend by choice, I,

bear the loss of a faded truth between trembling fingers.

Offer them in fear of losing sight of the light,
which cascades from your soul, bubbling gold, shimmering in the gleam of a honey flavored grace,

Barren from a battle fought inwardly,
with the good and bad of me,
the weeping and shouts for joy, in between

         all jagged encounters.

Now, the failed attempts of a dusted dream remain in grid iron cages, fed scraps of a nibbled honesty.

Henceforth, arise
       the half baked truth.

Bring about, the nightmare

     dreamt and breathless, frightened and alone.

Release the growling things you were born with. There is a savage sort of joy when the wound drips crimson,
  when the moon hides it's holy eyes,
clouds and thunder amass near the crown of your head, lightning casts the only glimmer in love torn eyes.

A dull roar numbs the senses and savors this empty, this hollow,
         this fool. Who dared to care.

Find me knee-deep in saline waters,

as my loneliness howls at the moon,
as my chest heaves and icy winds breathe down my neck,
I succumb to the loss which leaks neath my ribcage.

I will beg every sort of evil to take my life to gift any sort of pain to lessen the one, which I am bound.

Forget the taste, of a mouth full of the words I am not yet ready to sharpen
   in the jaws of a sea bred love, I embrace the shadow of my joy. We smile a smile which never reaches the eyes.
Streams flow as the ache grows,
    it always grows.

We find ourselves sobbing,
amongst unfamiliar shoulders.

Gift it kisses and well wishes,
present the tears of a broken promise as though it were a most dangerous thing,
shivering at the hell, held within myself
Here I am,

       here I stay.

Awaiting my own forgiveness for letting it get this far,

Here is where I lose you.
October 15, 2015
Jun 2015 · 885
Soft Eyes
Jessica Jones Jun 2015
[  Intention ]

Gentle smolders scorch resolves in twos. A exhale of words caress the gateway to a heart.

The sound of my name upon your lips, laced with a newfound yearning,  I
find my emotions


and barren before your hungry eyes. Your determined fingers pull at my waist, my bones resolve to a smoldering mess, as our heartbeats quicken with every second I look into your desiring eyes.

I gift your aching skin, trembling in this proximity,  soft

   quiet           kisses,

trailing from the hollow beneath your ear

to the curve of your throat as I feel you grind your teeth together and swallow,

gasping, with eyes closed in pleasure as I tease you and your needs for southern hemispheres to clash and bring about new discoveries.  Your hands pull my figure to yours and we fit together neath these sheets, refusing to spoil the fun of driving you crazy i kiss lower,

trailing your collarbone, your chest

            as my teeth scrape the skin, pleased as the rise and fall of your chest quickens as my lips greet the low of your hips, as my fingers trail along the sides of your body. Leaving you
begging for more, I breathe your name into your neck, sighing and pleading in a way for more than this.

For more than this.

To be able to surrender every millimeter and devote every bit of myself to loving you and being loved by you. To feel the way your body aches for me as your voice does in my ear,

Oh...  To make love to you as though I worshipped every bit of skin and flesh upon your body.

Because the love I hold for you demands for your heart to be overwhelmed in my adoration, 
  my appreciation of the way it sways in your direction,
my desire to behold you as mine and mine alone growls in a darkened place.

I want the moaning of my name, the clawing at your back for more of you.

The weakness of baring yourself to me and letting me learn the arc of your shoulder,  the stretch of skin above bone as you return feverish kisses in places I cannot name.

I want the fire of the kiss, the dance of my mouth with yours as we move against the glory of the other.

To succumb to my own tear kissed lashes, as the joy of being lost in you finally comes to reality.

I want you to enjoy all of this.
All that I am, and all I've yet to be.
To satisfy my need of love with the love you harbor within,  I make you mine.

Adoring every bit of you and your youthful need for me, I feed your prayers for love with my caress,

  my laugh,

        my smile,

                  my kiss,

I inhale the content I steep into the last word before I find rest upon your racing heart,

I end this love the way it began...

With your name.
Jun 2015 · 1.0k
Green Tea
Jessica Jones Jun 2015
a bit over a year of efforts, I

return your stubborn affections, directing romantic intentions towards you.

with your heart

Exalted in the remembrance of your existence, I

sigh towards the heavens,
the hells,
the Earth with her mountainous regions and varied terrains,

the sky and her innumerable
galaxies and novas should come hither and listen to the treasure of a lover. I


the miracle

of your name,

as though it were the answer to every question that has ever mattered.

I weep as the layers of my heart tighten at the sound of your sorrow, it constricts and feels to twist and rob me of senses and oxygen.

please smile and gift that treasured breath of air into my lungs.

should I now mention, that
for some inexplicable reason,

I love you?

Find comfort in my voice.
Feel free to unravel tears of the hardships endured in this life's trials, upon my shoulder

as I do my best to gently recover the fallen shards of every loss you've suffered, with my tender hands and your sharpened memories we'd find a way to salvage the most of these losses.

let me adorn your scar filled soul with a balm of my own making.

let me bring you
a sea of solace to delve into.

Would an infinite caress of kisses, a tsunami of age old yearnings and present desires satisfy your crave for love?

Would I need another person to fill the shoes you decorate the doorstep of my heart with?

With the place mat adorned with an intricately designed Persian rug which display a blooming garden of both our favourite flowers in a way that'd perfect the unusual combination of my tropical forests and your poetic love of romantic flora.

A sight, regardless of how many times seen encases the onlooker in a feeling of love and comfort.

It will say,

" Welcome home my love "

And there will be song birds in the trees,
there will be wind dancing with leaves,

On the eve of summer I will snuggle myself near you, to muster the courage to read you the poetry I'd written all before we'd made it known to those who mattered that we belonged to the other.

Friendly reminder that,

I love you.

And the answer to needing anyone aside from you?

The answer is no.

No one can amount to the endless stream of shooting stars you give me to wish upon, and for you to make a reality.

No one else,
can say my name with such reverence,

that to any who didn't know about us,

my name alone seemed to be one of the most holy and savored of things?

To whisper on a night of troubled sleep as your fingers weave their way to mine, interlocking and silently promise to never let go of this.

This overflowing love..

Why wouldn't I want to keep it?
Sep 2014 · 319
Jessica Jones Sep 2014
They say we'd better run; drums beating in the darkness, we stand close, remembering our folks who we'll never see.
Now, they are only hosts to crawlers of varying breeds. We don't visit their graves cause we know we'll cry. Reliving the way we slowly watched them meet their end.
The way we slowly watched them beaten at the weakness of old or sickened age, we were held back by our friends.. all we felt was our rage.

We run; towards a place where its safe, wary of foul characters in play, will we rot in here in each others arms? Oh here, we'll find other ways to die. There are numbers on our wrists, and your kisses made me dream of one thing that had no cost. At your side I'd remain; fondly, in your eyes I'd become lost.

Would you sneak across the wall and put the guards to sleep? While; we watched the trees light up like torches in the gloom of night. You fought with a blade with the others, answering questions regarding our chains. As I, locked their doors while the morning guards lay in their beds. Ignoring the agonizing screams that erupted,  the banging echoing in our heads.

We'd planned this for weeks and replayed day after day the ways to fight. Hiding tools in our pockets, burying them and memorizing places we could gain the upper hand in a brawl. Watched the guards in search of weak points, stole away guns and blasted holes with a large sort of gun,  in buildings which exploded like fireworks lit up by metal rockets.

Smoke fills the air, as the forest blossomed orange in the dark. There are no stars to wish upon, smoke gathers in our lungs.

Tonight I kissed you,
        as you held me tight. I dreamed about a field filled with flowers of every shade. A place where winters weren't as cold, and children could go out a play.

My, dear wont you come outside?
Why have your limbs gone stiff?
My eyes are leaking and I feel something in my chest break, a puddle of blood covers the floor and I continue to cry.

  The others have left, they are finally free but

my heart it feels caged, even though your body lies here with me. I, can't stop the red that continues to flow from your chest. I scream into the night for help, but only we two are all that is left.

My dear, is this the end? Will anyone learn of this fire find us both together?

I don't care about a life; my tears are full of joy, I dream of days beyond if we had a a baby girl and boy. My chest is filled with smoke; and I hold you in my arms.

Even in death, I tear my heart in two as I leave you lying on the ground...remembering the way your laugh made me smile after a rotten day in chains. The joy that'd sprout within my chest whenever we imagined the types of food that tasted sweet. Dreaming of a way for our captors to taste defeat.

How many times you took a beating;  when with me, they wished to have their way...wether they intended on killing another person, another body neath the hanging tree.
I'd never let them hurt you, as time and time again, you've done for me. But tonight I could not keep you safe and a ringing fills my ears. I do not hear the roaring fires, they are not the thing I fear.

I walk out into the forest of fire and leaves; there, I run and run till I cannot seem to breathe or move an inch. These shaking hands wipe away the tears that refuse to stop. I don't want to explain to myself why, those same hands are covered in blood. With no hand to pull me through; screaming at the sky, God blessed me with such a love,
   Why did God take that love away too?

Why, did God let my love die,

in cold blood? When all we wished for was freedom. Is it to much to ask such a thing?
The cold that numbs my skin is not from the snow, this is not why I cannot seem to see, through eyes glazed with a feeling unbeknownst to most. I collapse against a tree; far from orange fire, sleep takes over as days turn to years. I search
for a place called "safe". Where, we could have done as we planned. To marry in the spring, so that there's no need to pretend; that way our loneliness prevented us from breathing didn't hurt.

We'd have understood that were not alone.
I don't care how far or lost we'd be;

Your arms are always where I belonged.

I remember you in everything;  the wind is your laugh. The sunlight feels like your kiss; and the farther I manage to go, away from the memory of your touch. I force myself to breathe,  my hands always seem to clutch at the place above my heart, I cannot breathe on days that I remember that physically we're apart. The only masterpiece I care to see, would be you once again..But I do as fools sometimes do,
     I play house in an empty home. The numbers remain on my wrist,  I feel the strength in your bones as I gaze at mountains or the sea. Though I'm alone, I like to imagine you're at my side. We can walk across the sand, swim amongst the tides.

I'd get to happily hold your hands in mine. To grow old together, until we outran our given time.

My dear, am I doing well in your eyes up there amongst the stars? I found a safe place to be, but

   The best home was with you in the past, a place I cannot seem to wipe clean from my mind.

Your name tastes like a scar.

It hasn't faded with the years, I've forgotten the sound of your voice, and the way of your skin.

Why does everything remind me of you,

  even the ways of the wind?
Sep 2014 · 289
Tell Me
Jessica Jones Sep 2014
Tell me if he hurts you.
And I'll keep track of every frayed fiber, seared by unkind discoveries

Each and every time, that he

    causes you pain.

Tell me if you cry over him,
  Tears fall inwardly as pieces of you begin to die and mimic behaviors that he favors.

Tell me of you are angry at yourself,
  For trusting and believing faithfully.
For believing when most others would have given up.

Tell me if you feel broken,
On nights when the seconds seem to span into years. As every hidden fear creeps about your neck and chokes you till you lose consciousness,  or
         "Fall asleep".

Tell me if you are scared,
That he will not be what he claims to be. To honor his words and never give you reason to fear him. Or that if he keeps his word,

that you may not be good enough.

Tell me if this hurts you,

I cannot listen to your grief with a clear conscience.

Tell me if I hurt you,
when you realize that he'd already desert you, more than once. One time too many. Do you remember how difficult it was to breathe as he said that he didn't want you anymore?

Tell me if you are hurting,

And I will listen to your sobbing heartbeats,
while holding you in my arms.

I will hold you....

I will hold you.
Sep 2014 · 288
Jessica Jones Sep 2014
The skies are alight with crimson rivers,
   which cause all varying from pebbles and mountains to


and those ruby streams of light continue to, roar amongst obsidian clouds like

angry tigers.

Trickling along the fingertips of burning light, reducing forests to ashes.
Lighting trees with flames which blaze, like hellfire torches.


Dangerous creatures are out and about, the wise ones know not to shout or do anything to be heard, for they

know that the chance would rise, that they will be found.

  Clawed,     torn,       bloodied,     bitten,
      shredded to pieces, there is

no mercy to be found on crimson nights.

Prowling tigers are hunting in the dark of night, coats wet and crusty with the lifeblood of previous prey.

Hide and hopethat they shall not find you. Hide your fear from the biting winds that screech in your ears.The tigers will smell the stench of you, find you...

  and you will die.

The skies are alight with crimson rivers,
   why is tonights rain warm and sticky?

Why does this rain remind me of

Aug 2014 · 1.7k
Tulips vs. Roses
Jessica Jones Aug 2014
He liked red tulips,  I preferred the charm of pink roses.

Though a roses adoration seemed to last longer, than the claim of  "never-ending love" of a tulip.

The red began to fade, leaves and petals began to shrivel
          and curl in on themselves.

Whilst the rose drank in every mornings dew, bursting with thorn and a heavy fragrance that filled the summer air with a sense of longing.

I wonder if you noticed.

That I am not talking about flowers..

I am talking about us.
Aug 2014 · 431
Remind You
Jessica Jones Aug 2014
I will remind you that you're in love with me.

In the way you say my name like a prayer,  whispering it to yourself as you wish for me to be near you.

As days go on in a dazed state missing me once you trued to stay away. I know you read our old conversations. I know you miss the way I laugh at you.
Miss the way we'd,
               laugh together.

I will remind you that you're in love with me.

Whenever you see something beautiful, thinking of me and how we shared our adoration of finer things. How lovely a flower, to the sweet giggles of a child. We could have had our own.

I will remind you that you're in love with me.

As old nicknames of being the stars that light your night sky, to the moon that watches you sleep, to the sun that shines and either brightens your day...or burns your skin. Blinding your eyes..

I will remind you that once I meant everything.

And I will not let you forget.
Jul 2014 · 769
Shy Eyes
Jessica Jones Jul 2014
And I wish I lost my shyness, just to once be able to look him in the eyes.

Alas, my bravery is not enough and my gaze lowers itself to admire the floor.
I begin to notice the pebbles and scuff marks on the ground. Birds pecking at bread crumbs on a distant sidewalk. Looking at most anything else. Noticing the way my pulse races as he walks by
    not the color of his eyes.

I cannot look at him.

I feel as though my intentions will burn and I will be left barren.

He would know how much he means to me.
Jul 2014 · 285
Jessica Jones Jul 2014
There are daggers digging themselves into the walls of my skin, but I only see a faint glimmer while I wonder how to breathe. How to breathe,  how to breathe,  how to breathe,

I don't know if I love you.

My hands are shaking and my heart is aching, I cannot imagine a day where I didn't want you close. Come here, please...

I think I'm in love with you.

Its been two days since we last spoke and the silence I see on your end is driving me insane. How, do I

I think I'm in love with you.

I take longer to reply because I know that my voice will crack on the phone,  and that you will sense the hidden things I am not bold enough to admit to you. I can't remember how to breathe,  my hands are shaking every time I message you.

I think I'm in love with you.

I am surrounded by crowds of people, there are faces upon faces and stores alive with customers but I am daydreaming of being alone with you. And nestling myself in your arms as I fall asleep. My hands are still shaking.

I think I'm in love with you.
Jul 2014 · 500
Jessica Jones Jul 2014
Inconsiderate amusement scrounges blistering bubbles to froth and churn.
Burning, sizzling, lighting afire with inconsistent bursts of rage.
Random explosions
strike terror into hearts.

Beating down with each blast.
Beating sense into you.



Crouched into a fetal position.
Pleas are ignored and scorned.

Say anything.
Tell anyone.
Ask for help and the load will double.
Until you curse yourself for considering such a thing.

Every moment.
In every day.


Pity blossoms amidst decaying gardens.
Ensnaring any last trickle of light with starved fingers.
Silently mourning.
What used to be.

What I used to be.
Jul 2014 · 870
Angry Man
Jessica Jones Jul 2014
Angry man, Angry man,
Who claws his way through trash cans.
Why is there a silver band,  on the ring finger of your left hand when I see that you've no wife?

Angry man, Angry man,
Who sings of a lost love through bottled up tears and whimpering sobs.
Why is it that you cry?

Angry man, its raining and its hardly been an hour. Since I last saw an expression so sour as the one you wear as you glumly sit in the rain. Why don't you ever smile?

Angry man, they say you're bitter. Called a drunkard and a quitter. But I saw you stare  down that strange man who tried to follow me home the other day. You must not be as bad as people say you are, you must have a reason as to why.

Angry man, you've lost your home.
Angry man, you look alone.
Why does misery soak into your skin?

Angry man, I am sad to hear and see,
the horrific tragedy that happened to your wife and daughter while you were at work.

Angry man, your wife must have loved you.
She waited seven years for you to propose to her and loved you as much as she did after all those years. You must have known..
She must wish that she could kiss and hug you.

Until then she waits for you in that place close to God with your daughter.

Angry man,  your daughter must have called you "Papa" in such a way that only a five-year old could.
Don't you remember when she'd giggle as you tickled her awake every morning because she didn't want to wake up?

Angry man, I am not teasing.
Angry man, please believe me.

God blessed you with a loving wife and gave you both a beautiful daughter.

Won't you stop mourning over the car accident. While you were at work and your wife was driving your baby girl to couldn't have known that a drunken driver would take them both from you.

When the police called you at work, confused but cooperating you took a seat as they suggested and hoped that they wouldn't make you late for dinner.

Slowly realising as they explained.
That your wife was dead along with your daughter.
Whose birthday was only in two weeks.
You planned to take her to the country so she could ride her first pony, because she loved horses so much and begged for one every Christmas.

Your wife.
Brown eyed, high school sweetheart.
Always made sure you had a good day, loving you as long as you two knew each other.  Anniversary a few months ago...

Rage boils your blood into steam.
You want the drunken fool to pay, smash him into the ground till your wife and child comes back.  

Screaming at the officers who try to calm you down with understanding and pity in their eyes.

Fallen tears.

Stream alongside your face and you are on your knees weeping and breathing so hard for your family.
Wishing you didn't go to work early that day, because ***** traffic. You could have drove your daughter to school. Your wife would have been safely at home making sure that all was ready for your daughters surprise drive out to the country.

They wouldn't have been dead.

You were numb during the funeral preparations.
Felt hollowed out at the joint funeral.
Made sure that your daughter held her favorite stuffed animal in her casket.

Made sure that your wife wore those oval earrings you bought her for your first anniversary. Remembered when she'd kiss your cheek twice on special occasions whenever she wore them. Because she loved them so much.
How your daughter would burst into giggles and you'd kiss her cheek so she'd feel loved too.

Quitting your job amd starting to drink.
Eventually losing your home.

Always putting flowers on their graves every year. This year made three.

Angry man, please be happy.
Because your sadness would be breaking their hearts, they'd want you to be happy.

Won't you put down the beer bottle...

and find your way home?
Wanted to write something where anger can be seen differently. And I wanted to tell a story that'd break a readers heart.
May 2014 · 308
I Think of You
Jessica Jones May 2014
I think of you
as I listen to the roar of waves
crashing against the shoreline in
booms and swirls.

I think of you
as I listen to the bubbly giggles
of children playing in the sand
guardians of starlight and sunshine.

I think of you
when ships and guns sink their claws into my island
with warrior after warrior stumbling across our shores
readying for ****** catastrophies.

I think of you
as he slanders a good woman
poisoning his family with hate and cynicism
watching him abuse us verbally and mentally.

I think of you
when my heart is on the verge of breaking
letting tears fall in silent streams
shattered and trying to piece itself together.

I think of you
as birds chatter amongst themselves in trees
sernading my troubles into lovely lullabies
stirring peace within my soul.

I think of you
when I'm cold and my skin turns pale
shaking frozen thoughts
with those of you
happy and smiling.

I think of you.
I remember you.
I miss you...
May 2014 · 304
Where Were You
Jessica Jones May 2014
Where were you,
when my body wasn't my own. And he did what he wanted to my mom first.
Saving me for last?

Where were you,
when fear filled my lungs. And my blood filled my mouth as I was hit blow after blow?

You were tasting her with your skin as she made you satisfied.
Something I'd never let you do to me.
I'd hate you if you did.

Do to her what you watch on the internet.
On those sites where you have to pay for a show.

Living in the moment of your ***** happiness she entertains you and your fantasies.

Ignoring my screams and trading them for hers. Leading you on.

Where were you,
when I begged for mercy on my knees.
As he lifted his military boot to knock me down to the ground?

With your name being screamed in my soul and I called for help through my miserable tears?

Where were you????
May 2014 · 1.3k
(Papa's in the hospital)
Jessica Jones May 2014
I've been listening to music.
I've been striking up conversations.
I've been avoiding any sort of reality.
My grandpa is dying.
Fading away from the vital jokes and squishy hugs.
Lying in his bed with his brown skin turning pale as the pages of a book.
That is nearing its end..

I've been walking around aimlessly remembering the time, when I went through the same thing with my grandmother.
Visiting in the night, on the day..
that they'd pull the plug on the machines that were keeping her alive.

She was in so much pain for so long...
For months it was inevitable,  yet
that big heart of hers wasn't enough to fight another hour.
Disgusted with myself because I was praying that she wouldn't die on my birthday.
Because I'd hate the thought of living after then if she did.
Selfishly not considering the pain she was in all along.

Her lungs were failing as a tube made a temporary home in her throat so she could breathe...
Her heart was failing and her doctor  was kind.
Trying to ease her passing and made sure she was alive until all of us made it there to:

How sick is this...

For us to, "see her off"

Her skin turned yellow and empty like a living corpse...and her breathing was helped by a mask.

As the minutes went on.
And I told the current event to my friends in different time zones...they let me bare my tears across a small screen as I'd write to them with blurry eyes and a heavy heart.

I never knew that knowing when someone you loved die could damage you so thoroughly.
Friends staying awake to 6 AM.

And when she has minutes left on her clock.
That painful silence..
Was the sound of a broken heart..not like glass..but an agonized scream inside.
Unable to openly mourn for her you lean against the wall and cry until rivers grew jealous.
May 2014 · 335
Conflicted Devices
Jessica Jones May 2014
Thoughts revolve and whir
clicking together mechanically
in a consistent hum I'd wonder if you
were smiling today.
Unable to see or notice
a true smile
you drive me nuts
as bolts and metal re-align
hoping in erratic motions.

Set automatically
sorting through things
that steal away my gears.
Rusting those that refuse to budge
damaging beyond repair.

If only it were enough to be called 'human'
Be rid of these cogs that ***** with my mind.

As well as thoughts of you...
May 2014 · 1.2k
Give This To My Brother
Jessica Jones May 2014
There were songs to be sung.
Pages to be read.
Letters to be burned..

Yet you left them all for,


On my lonesome personal holiday.

"Why won't you come?", you knew I'd have asked as your heart trembled, absorbing the news and imagined..

People coming into the parlor,  dressed in tears and shades of sorrow.

Children were crying.
Friends were crying..
My mother was crying.
And so were my beautiful baby brothers.

You know, I wish I could have been able to watch them grow up.

I waited in that box, filled with nothing but an ache to see my you just once in my life before I left. You must have felt the same,

because you quickly resolved, 

And were dead set on coming. Cursed, the weather and ignored your bodies cry for sleep. You needed to come and see me at least once. So you caught a plane out of your country into mine. Shaking and red eyed you explained how you knew where to come on my Facebook, to my family.

Because they never knew you in person.
You could see a casket behind them.
Dark brown and flanked by flowers of iridescent colors. But you fell to your knees when you saw the baby pictures on the board.

Of me when I was small.

They took you into their arms and cried with you. You wish you could have come sooner. We both wished that we didn't have to meet this are hollow by the time you reach a seat.

Attending service and keeping to the back.
Listening to every story and word people had to say for her. Proud of me, weren't you big brother?

Weren't you crying for a miserable sort of joy, when you found out that they put your name into the program?  And listed you as my older brother. Because I always spoke of having you as my brother and made sure everyone knew it?
I guess you couldn't hear anything over the sobs you were holding in.
I'm sorry that this time, I can't stop you from crying..

Wistfully looking at my younger cousins who I assured you that you'd love on sight. You know that I did my best to raise them well. "What more could you do?", you thought. Yet again, I made your heart swell with stabs of pain and joy.

When you left the parlor and got to hear about me and the poems I'd write about you.  You wish we could have known each other better.  Smiling through tears as my family and friends consoled you and your broken heart. They knew by now that you must have loved me.

Even if I never said it to you.
You must have known.

That big brother, 

I love you. :)
May 2014 · 254
He Never Came
Jessica Jones May 2014
Though there are people who believe that they love me, I have always felt alone.
Barred from the bridge and key that lies just beyond my fingertips.
If only someone could see,  how broken my smiles are. How shallow my assurances that "I'm fine."

Didn't you learn in school, to read between those lines that filled the pages of your notebook like stolen dreams and broken promises?

When will someone see.

That I am alive but I am dying.

Awake but dead inside.

Suicide would be cheating myself of a life I don't seem to have much control over. I guess being a pawn in the game of life is only useful when you die the way the masters choose. You do not pass go, there is no jail, you rot within the corners of your mind and you say nothing.

Silence screams and rings in agonizing patterns whenever you find some sort of hope. Making hell sound like a beautiful place.

God must spit on you often.
Because no other person I know could be treated so cruel. Not an inkling or love found within my bible. Page after page of words and words alone that I am supposed to believe in.
A holy father that left me in my sorrows year after year.

Mentioning Angels gives you nightmares. Only good  people can be so loved. You have no right to even wish for a happier afterlife. If so, be assured that you will burn in ways not mentioned in your bible. Hell now seems so kind.

Mother ***** in front of you.
Frozen and immobile doing nothing,  because that's all you can do.

As your fear of men grows in the way your "Father" touches amd demands your affections. One wrong move, one unwanted word, and you will pray for death quick and swift. Asking Santa yet again, not to live another year.

When my blood blossomed into ruby droplets and my face swell as I walked to school, shaken and terrified. I prayed that God would take my life. I didn't want it.

Praying to a god that never came.

He never,

May 2014 · 406
Four and Frightened
Jessica Jones May 2014
I kept it a secret
When your voice pierced the walls.
When I was four and frightened,
at the booming from the hall.

Never known what a monster was.
In truth, I thought they’d never exist.
Until the monster raged at my mother.
Held her down by her wrists.

Screaming and fighting.
Fighting and begging.
With swollen cheeks and blurred vision she made me promise to stay.
To lock the doors.
And never open them.
No matter what things she’d say.

Locked ourselves in our room.
In diapers and with shrieks.
Keeping my two little brothers from the door.
The thunks were getting louder.
Some heavy objects hitting the floor.

Fear has never existed,
till that night in the hall.
Till I saw with my own eyes,
what a bad man did to my mom.

The door refused him in.
My face warm with tears.
The next time I’d remember this, was when I made eighteen years.
Our voices were hoarse from screaming.
For our mother.

Thuds and broken glass.
Giving me no choice.
I kept the door locked from his rage and booming voice.
Objects breaking in the hall.
My two year old brother tried to open the lock,
I pulled him back so he’d fall.
Frustrated and scared he screamed in my arms.
I wouldn’t let anything give them ****** harm.

The door cracked as the monster punched it repeatedly.
As he hit her repeatedly.
As he kicked it repeatedly.
As he hurt her...


Trying to get to us.

Mommy said I had to take care of them.
Not to let the monster in.
No matter what happened.
No matter how badly we shook.
No matter how painful her screams.

The door spit out splinters.
And was damaged in three places.
Imagine the damage it’s do...
if it struck our young faces.

The legos and toys I set against the door trembled.
With each punch.
With each kick.
With each bit of rage.
Never knew what’d happen to my mom or my brothers.
This thought was making me sick.

She screamed in agony in the hall.
In pain, she threw words at an angry man.
Blows so hard hit....
Hit her again.
And again.
We could feel it in the walls.

Courage building like Lincoln Logs, with my hands to my chest.

I unlocked the door...
And saw my beaten mother on the floor.

Seeing me in his peripheral vision, he saw me.
Made his way towards where I stood...

Four and Frightened I shrieked for my mommy.
As I heard her yell “DON’T YOU TOUCH HER YOU BSTRD!!!!”

Then everything went black.
Jessica Jones May 2014
When the waves of change make ripples that spread across the seas like wildfire...she is there.

Calming your fears of drowning in those blazing waters with words that weave lullabies throughout your mind.

When rage shakes the Earth,  and comets rain down from a starless sky...she is there.

Keeping the pieces of your shattered soul together like the roots of a tree that clings deep into the soil; lending you her shoulder as those traitorous tears leave hot trails across your glistening cheeks.

When love denies you peace of mind. Leaves you frozen and chilled in a blizzard of misery and misfortune...she is there.

Reminding you that you're worth loving. Igniting the dried and brittle leaves of a lost hope into a roaring bonfire; that leaps to embrace you and all of your misgivings like hot soup on a wintry day.

When the world goes against you,
causing your once ironclad backbone to rust as it is weathered and tethered till it crashes into the ground in a catastrophic booming of dust,
              and fear.
As everything you believe in falls like shooting stars, left to shrivel in the scorching sunlight as you abandon your hopeful dreams amongst the debris.
Laced with the toxic webbing that'd chant repeatedly,  "You'll never win, you're nothing, you cannot fight us, you'll never win." Clawing their seeds of poison into your skin..

Rubble lies broken, muddied, and stained from the tears that continuously streamed from your eyes. Leaving you breathing in hacking sobs and frightened whimperings...she is there.

In the strength of your spine, as tall as the highest mountain and as mighty as a tiger prowling throughout his leafy kingdom. Knocking down any and all who stand in the way of your aspirations and happiness like mice being tossed about in the paws of a feline. She will assist in helping you find your place in the world,  like the missing puzzle piece to the questions you've wanted the answers to all your life.
She is the mind,
and she is the fight behind your army..
You call her sister.

Now, whenever times leave you standing on the edge of a difficult moment..breathe and remember.

Remember the blissful sound of her laugh,

      the way love coloured her voice as she spoke your name for the first time..

& that no matter what life may throw at you,

she'll always have your back.

My beautiful sister,


— The End —