Ive never thought this human being can hurt an individual like myself as much as she has
i never thought she can grab my heart and crush it as if i was just the girl next door instead of her allegedly forever..
i never thought she can hurt me and make me shed tears that can fill up an empty ocean
i never thought she can give up on something that was so beautiful, full of butterflies and sweet soft smiles so easily.

I miss your smile, your heart, your gentle touch and the special pet names that would always make me blush even just 2 days before you shattered my heart

i just want you back in my arms so i can make you- you again

Oh please come back ive never been one to pray to God but oh for you? Ill pray for you in this universe and in any other universe over and over again

I hope you find happiness within yourself again
but
i just pray its with me by your side..

I believe we still exist somewhere in the universe
maybe in a different galaxy or
possibly just behind the moon
fading into the stars  
where all soulmates go when the love disappears
I can see us near the moon
smiling
laughing
and sharing thoughts
the way we were 2 light years ago

When I look up at the sky  
I can feel your blue eyes burning my skin
to the point that I have to squint and wipe a tear
with the hands you wanted to hold

I believe our promises are kept there
running around with their hands held like children filled with happiness not knowing that the promise will let go and crash hard onto the ground, shattering every light that you might have inside

I believe what we had is
somewhere out of reach
where neither of us can ever touch again
and it is as dim as a little star you can barely see in the sky

and although, in this existence  
we became nothing but chaos and shadows in between the woods
we are there, we are alive, we are happy

but we are not in love

j.f//j.v

its so hopeless and i'm so frustrated because i know you wanted me.. on those days i drove 30 minutes just to see you, to kiss you, and to be held so close to you to the point that if you squeezed a bit tighter id lose my breath. i could feel your eyes giving me a sunburn as i watched the television screen and id smile just to hear the words "youre so cute" come out of your mouth. Being together and pretending what we had will last for a long time, that the moment would stand still but at the same time i feel that all of it was just something for you to do on your free time, even though you deny it. i remember a tear crawling down my cheek as i watched your delicate hands making me the same sandwich you made the first day we met all because i knew this was all just going to be a memory engraved in my brain. That in a matter of time it will all just end.

i cant imagine you actually missing me when days of us not seeing each other pass by even though when that happens you send me texts saying how much you miss me, wishing you were with me, and how you hate that you cant have me. (even though its all your fault.) you tell me how you have a feeling that i have no interest in you or that i couldn't care less if we just stop speaking but really.. that's how i feel about you and honestly, i like you way too much; i'm afraid it will scare you

it hurts knowing that in life people come and go all the time. That at any moment you will just be a memory. it hurts knowing that one day you'll just think that i was fun while i lasted but that you never wanted to make me officially yours. you'd only ask me if i was yours when we were on your bed. i want to matter more to you, more than just a text at 3 am telling me how you wish i was in bed with you and how you're thinking of me. i want texts at 7 pm saying you want me to get all dolled up to show me off at dinner. But its selfish and unfair of me to want you to see me as something more when you actually don't, but its okay, even if you would have extended your hand to hold mine i don't think we could have gone as far as i hoped for. i loved us together, i loved our connection, i loved our chemistry just as much as you did.

but i'm excited to hold a girls hand who wouldn't want to let go until its time to let go. i'm glad i haven't been careless with my heart even though i allowed your fingernails dig deep into my heart but i've finally pushed you away and now the holes are bleeding out but ill be okay. they will soon turn into scars.

next time i know not to give all of me to someone who never asked for all of me in the first place..

j.f //j.v

I was gonna write to you again
but then I remembered that you actually dont care a slight bit anymore

so I decided to grab my old pencil instead of my phone and write about you

even though I might have seemed
like I dealt with it perfectly fine like
I wasn't going to miss you
.. truthfully, I miss you deeply
and I've been drowning with the thoughts of missing you since then

but I want you to know
that I still think
you're as lovely as the sunsets
yet as deadly as the dark night

and I don't know if you remember anymore because after everything
we were or at least what I wanted us to be you always said the way I would describe things were beautiful...
that my mind was beautiful...
even that i was beautiful...

and I remember thinking I wish I can tell you how much I truly love you with you by my side because I know you wanted me to

i know i kept my feelings hidden
but when i write..
all hidden is out

what a shame though..
you wont ever read this

anyways, I want you to know
that I am happy that youve moved on
but ****** that you're not happy with me

but know that I'll still
give you my heart, even the moon since it's much bigger than I can ever be, h e l l, ill give you the whole universe even if you don't want to share it with me anymore.
j.f

I can't sleep at night
there's an emptiness in the dark
that Im trying to get a hold of
and its when you'd keep me
up till 3 am because you cared

It's been 2 months since
you found her and
since we actually spoke
but you're still in my heart and
still keeping me up late at night.
You actually expect me to forget the words, the lies you told me,
our nights, us, you.
You expect me to just pretend none of this ever happened
only because you found her and she now owns your nights

but you know why it's so ******* impossible for me to just let go of you? Because every song, every book and every movie,  reminds me of you
you ruined my favorite things and now I can't even listen to a song because I know you liked it and I would tell you i liked it because it reminded me of your words
now my favorite song is the song I hate the most

you brought me back from hell just to bring me right back in it and oh god I felt heaven for a while and it was all you, it was you, I hate you.
You ****** me up with the phrase "I like you as a friend" after everything you ever said to me I hate you I hate you I can't wait for the day I fall asleep without you in my head, without the tears in my eyes and fall asleep with a smile in my face because I know I deserve better

j.f

You never loved me
You did not love me
You only loved the attention I gave you
You loved how mad I will get when you ignored me the way you would
You loved the fact that I would drop anything just to be with you and be able to touch you
You did not love me, but oh God, I really loved you

j.f

It's been 3 months since we last spoke, really spoke.. not just guilty hellos and scattered goodbyes when the clock hits 11
and just like that, you decided to say that we were just friends when you knew we weren't
we couldn't be after what we used to be and my heart shattered like the vase I had on my delicate hand when you said you don't know if you love me anymore

i told you I still had feelings that haven't quite gone away yet and you kept quiet

you had always told me how one day you pictured walking up to me telling me about your day with a sweet smile saying that you will forever love me

you were the only thing that ever kept me as a whole and just so quickly you became the only thing that kept me empty

j.f

I promise you that you deserve better. You deserve someone who will call you late at night just to hear your voice and not let you fall asleep when you're mad, crying wishing I'd call you to tell you what you've been waiting for. I've poured all my poison into you that I can't pour the water to let the flowers grow again and Im sorry I'm really sorry I promise you that once you let go of me you'll be able to find the love that you wanted with me but with someone who deserves all of you

1:08 a.m. - I wish you'd say this to m

it's so terrifying for me to hear you say you love me and see that you do not do a single thing about it I know you are what my heart wants but doesn't need but know that I am so enchanted by you but that now I can't say a single word about this to you ever again because I learned from your words that you and I are not meant to be

j.f

You seem like you
would taste like a
thousand different girls
like you would
feel like the sunlight when
it's 20 degrees outside

you ate hearts like
the wave eats the shore
which now makes me
under the waves
feeling the coldness of the water
not being able feel the warmest of your heart and now I'm washed away like every other wave you have swallowed

j.f

******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* *******

j.f

I have secrets written down on scraps of paper thrown underneath my bed but you're my biggest I took advantage of you and how you felt when I would make you smile I made you feel like a grain of dirt in my garden and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought I was innocent and perfect that I could do no wrong especially to you but it was all a lie I made myself believe and you believe for so long I hate that I hurt you and I hate how I can't take any of it back I cannot stand the thought of you wandering around today or years from now thinking of me as a storm who did not do anything good but destroy it's precious surrounding I really pray that the thought of me does not pass your mind when you are sad and that I'm not pinned in the back of your mind but out of your mind I cannot stand to think that you will remember me as someone who broke you instead of someone who loved you

-something I wish she would say to me.

j.f

I'm beginning to think that at any moment you will finally walk out on me, and if you do you're giving up on someone who is willing to do anything for you, who will give up on life just to make you happy. The only thing I want, is to be with you. If I was able to hold your hand for the rest of my life or even just hear your voice and see you smile, I wouldn't stop loving myself. I want to tell you every second how much you mean to me, because no one has ever meant more. I would want to be able to feel your skin, help you and make you smile, if only you would just let me.

j.f

I always hurt the ones I love
with every inch of my aching heart
the ones I shouldn't hurt at all

I walk the streets and
pick the prettiest flower on the ground
and crush every beautiful petal

I always break the
warmest of all hearts
with my terrible careless words
so, if I broke your heart last night
it's because I love you the most

j.f

I hate how empty I am
because I thought
I had the universe inside of me

but I cried all the black holes out of my veins

the volcanoes inside of my rib cage erupted when you told me you loved me but didn't want me and
the lava flooded out, burning my skin alive and hardened me until I
couldn't close my eyes to sleep

I had stars in my brain
shining bright
but I've burned them all
with all the drugs I've been taking
just to burn you out of my mind

the garden growing at the bottom of my stomach is dead because it seems to be that I can't water them with alcohol  

I had the sun above my head always following me but it's been covered by the gray clouds with no rain making my thoughts turn into darkness

I had the planets at the tip of my tongue but you took them all away with you

leaving me with just myself

I was everything
and then I met you
and you were everything

but now you're gone with all of me
and now I can't find myself in this universe that I thought once was all mine

j.f

You're right she won't be beautiful forever
you'll destroy her with your acid

when you kiss every inch of her beautiful naked body
you won't be looking into her soul but the flowers growing outside

The acid of your lips will touch her flowers where each and every one of them will die and what will be left of her will be her naked soul and that's when you will begin to run away and someone else would come and start pouring water onto her garden and make her believe she is beautiful once again and when she kisses her, the acid of her lips will **** again but this time she will stay

j.f

One day I will forget
the sound of your voice  
but not the touch that
your skin allowed
because you never even
allowed me to remember it

j.f

There was this girl
who wanted to be a boy
she lied to the one person
whom she claim(ed)
she truly cared for
her words were like galaxies
and she spilled black velvet
poisoning my mind with black holes and when I would ask her about herself her mind was empty
with no answers like the
unanswered questions
about the
universe

j.f

I will be on your doorstep
waiting for a door that
I know won't open in a matter
of seconds, even years
you did love me
sometimes you still do
like in songs that you say
remind you of me
in poems you write in your
faded journal with initials
at the end that I don't know of

Now you've hidden goodbyes
at the tip of my tongue
and have printed white ink
"move on move on move on"
on a paper i won't ever dare to pick up

Each time I try to get you closer to me
you push me just a centimeter away
but centimeters soon turn into miles
but even miles away you're
still holding on to me
hurting me
maybe hurting yourself
by stretching your arms so far
soon your arm will numb and
let go from my delicate palm
and when you do
maybe I will be able to finally
let  
      go of you too

j.f

WHEN I TALKED TO YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME I DIDN'T THINK OF MYSELF AS SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO ENGRAVE A PART OF THEM SELF IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER BUT I DO, I DO, I DO AND TOMORROW I'LL SEE YOUR HANDS STITCHED WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU LET ENGRAVE A PART OF THEM SELF AND I'M SCARED, REALLY ******* SCARED THAT I'LL LOOK AT MY PALMS AND NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT MAYBE IF YOU LET ME LAY ON YOUR CHEST AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO GIVE ME A SUNBURN BY HOW LONG YOUR EYES STARE AND FALL ASLEEP QUIETLY WE WOULD REALIZE HOW EASY IT IS FOR US TO LOVE AND HOW US BEING TOGETHER IS WHERE WE BELONG

you always say the opposite
But I suppose you only like girls
who are shattered and want to get hurt

you love having your claws gripped deep onto their hips
digging into their skin
making sure that the cuts and the bruises you are creating are in a shape of a heart and that
your claws are so deep in
so that when the blood is dripping onto the ground,
you are facing the ground
smiling
looking at how beautiful it is seeing your name in blood

j.f

I dream of your
                           hugs,
                                    kisses,
and I'm loyal to you in dreams
I dream of your smile
            and again I begin to
                                     fall for you
I also dream that you realize that
I want to be apart of your world
I live in my dreams
and I want to wake up
and give you my real love ...
                               I'm tired of imagining
I want to wake up
    to make it come true
I always dream of you
I have no other option
because only like this my heart lives
I dream that by your side
I can believe again
that I won't lose
But I just can't wake up

Love of mine
one day you will die
but I'll be right behind
only hoping this time
you'll finally be mine

j.f

I wanted it to be you
I wanted it to be you so badly
but I am not Alice
and this is not my wonderland

j.f

I really do hate
how I see you as this
perfect human being
with a perfect beautiful mind
and you really don't deserve that because you're the worse
you grew poisonous flowers in my rib cage and poisoned me with your mind
drowned me in a deep blue sea and
left me there when you found the shore

j.f

I don't know why I love u so much
you don't even show me
the love I need
the affection I would like
to have from you
I can't feel your touch
I can't feel anything
just the words you say and write
and your voice, oh my sweet girl, that I love so dearly
which keeps me awake
through the cold lonely nights
the voice that I loose sleep too
and the words that I cry too
and it's not that I want to feel
a little weak from another
human being
I just cry
like my body is begging me to cry
like my eyes just turn teary and
water runs down my face
the way it runs down the windows that night
I guess the rain reminds me of you
and how sensitive you are like the rain drops touching the windows so softly
making beautiful kinds of droplets
but oh my sweet angel, all I ask is please don't
ever leave me and be by my side
come to me and
hold me like you did with her
stop filling my rib cage with
false butterflies
just love me like you loved her
and show me the love
you wish you showed her earlier
just please let me be her or
at least pretend so I can feel happy
because you're my happiness
and I know.. oh  I know that
that's the worse thing someone
can do to themselves

j.f

If I don't make you laugh on your worse days if I'm not the one that
you go to when you don't want to speak to another human being
if I don't put a smile on your face
just by you listening to my voice
If I don't make your heart skip a beat
when I say I love you
leave me
If I'm not on your mind 24/7
maybe even less
(so it can be an exception)
and if my name is not on your school notebooks with hearts on it
(maybe my name in a light grey)
leave me
run away from me
far, far away
if the thought of you not wanting to speak to me again crosses your path
on days you hate me
leave me
if I don't make you squirm in happiness
even if it's just by the simple word
of hello
and make you the saddest when i say
the simple words of just good bye
leave me
just please leave me
just please do so
because you deserve better and
there is someone out there
who will make you feel
the way I wish I could make you feel

so leave me

j.f

Don't ever fall in love with a poet
because they will indeed admire and watch your every move
they will write about how the pen marks on the side of your palm when you write
don't ever because they will trace
every single freckle you have on your face and
write about the color of each and every one of them and
describe how they smile so brightly under the sunlight
they will want you to want to know every little thing about them
even if it's just what hand they write with and want you
to be wondering why they write with that specific hand when in
reality it doesn't even matter

the poet will watch the way you dig
your eyes onto that book and your small quick remarks onto the 26 letters all crumpled together and will know that everyday at 5:28 p.m. you smile

they will look deeply into your eyes
to see if they can at least take a little
peak of your soul and they will write
about you like if you were the only
thing they see good in this world

they will want to know what you think
about when you look at them and
see if you also count each and
every freckle and hope and write  
that you do but they will
love you endlessly and they will
show you that they love you and only you

but don't date a poet if you aren't
capable to watch them and
admire their imperfections
when they sleep late at night
beside you.

j.f

I hate
a million times hate
when people say
"people should fall in love
with their eyes closed"

Because when I did
she didn't let me open my eyes

j.f

I just want somebody who wants
to ******* mind at 3 am
who doesn't get annoyed by my jealousy and by me texting them
in all caps when I'm happy and
texting them 6 times in a row
someone I can walk with at the park
and stay 5 hours on the swings
just laughing and talking about anything that pops up onto our minds
somebody who isnt afraid to catch me when I fall for them
I want someone who
kisses my forehead
holds my hands and
never wants to let go
I want someone who knows me
inside and out and
knows what I'm thinking just
by glancing at me
someone I can sing along
to the radio with
someone who chooses me over anyone else and doesn't think twice about it

I just really want that to be you

j.f

And the moment will end
And love will fade out
And things will get boring
And tears will be coming out
from one of us
And you might walk away from
each other and never say another word to each other but that's how it goes and that's how life is nothing will last forever and people don't last forever and things will walk out of your life like it's nothing and it's okay

But she will remember the good things you  did
She will remember how much you loved him
She will remember when you would stay up all night just to comfort him
She will remember all the times she was sad and you would be the first person she would talk too
She will remember when you would be there for her when no one else was around
And she will remember the small things a lot longer

And years from now she might remember how happy she made you
might remember your laugh for 3 seconds and it will go to the back of her mind again and she will smile
Smile for as long as she can remember your hair and your laugh and your voice but it will all be gone again
But everything you ever did for her or tried to do will be pinned in the back of her mind
She will remember how honest you were and how deeply you affected her
She might not remember your name but she will remember how that unknown person made her feel

but now there is nothing else left
no more of that love he will just remember your happiness when you were together and he will be happy and think if you have found happiness again

And you know what? That's all that really matters at the end

I wish you would lie to me
once more  
and say I love you
(please) do as I say and lie to me
I know you can read this
and when you do
(if you ever do)
this is your sign of please don't (come) back
don't put me under your skin again
don't put me in the (back) of your thoughts again
don't  hurt me

(to) infuse poison into my veins was one thing  
but to let (me) die for you instead of falling
knowing we weren't for one another was another thing

j.f

I love you so much

so I gave up on you
stopped talking to you
and watched you love somebody else

and even though I know I am miserable and so sad not speaking to you

I know I am so much better off
without you

I ripped these poems out just as roughly
as you ripped me from your heart
I hate how
you're the blood to my veins
the good to my bye and
I really hate how you grew poisonous flowers in my rib cage
how you entered me like nicotine and
how my lungs are now filled with a grey dark cloud

don't you ever dare say that you never felt anything and
that I once wasn't the light of your life and
that I didn't know anything about you
because we were strangers who
knew each other very well

I loved you more than the sea loves the shore
and you drowned me in a beautiful deep blue sea

j.f

I should have known that
when you said I was the moon and
you were the stars

that the moon is soon replaced by the sun

j.f

I'm really anxious to scribble about you because
it makes me feel everything that you make me feel
and everything feels so much more honest and sincere
when my words smudge up against
the side of my palm and dye it blue
as my pen dashes to keep up with my heart and tears

but I don't want it to be honest and sincere
or feel that way anymore
because I thought I was moving on
moving on from ache
that I wish I didn't crave
I thought I knew all of this was
unwise and non-realistic

but maybe I need to stop thinking
and just let myself feel;
feel the goosebumps you give me,
feel the pain you give to my wrists,
feel the blood you infuse into my veins and
all the blood I let out of my veins because of you  

but maybe I don't need to know everything,
like exactly what you're thinking
or exactly how I feel
maybe even exactly how you feel
or how all of this is going to turn out
because I already have an idea of how it will turn out to be
but I don't even need to have an idea
I just need to let it be and
whatever happens, happens

Everything isn't always going to be clear,
and not everything is going to be given to you by hand
and you'll always have to work for what you want
and let go of everything that makes you anxious
because you know that at the end you will be pleased
with just loving yourself
not just by loving you, whom doesn't love me

I'd like to be able to leaf through the trees and smile
even if you are not there, wandering besides me

j.f

(I )think my biggest fault was
wanting to know everything
that was yet to cross your mind
I want to know everything you feel
at any given moment
what you (wish) for when the clock hits 11:11
( I) want you to want me to know why
you painted your bedroom walls dark blue
(was) it that the day you picked the bucket of paint
you saw the sea really dark and you wanted to feel free and wild?
(on) the day of your birthday do you feel older?
i want to know (your) fears and
which day of the week you feel happiest on
and whats on your (mind)
before you close your eyes into darkness
But most of all
I want to know everything you feel
even just by me glancing at you

j.f

at the same time
i'm glad that i'm not afraid to get hurt
like, Jesus Christ
you don't know how happy i am
that i fell for someone who will never love me back
me letting her clench her hands onto my heart
ripping it out of my rib cage while telling me
she loved me and i would beg her
to stop but i'll let myself bleed

it's all a good thing
we all need pain because when its 3 a.m.
and she's the only thing on your mind
and you're crying, rolling around in bed
to see if you crash into her body and
you realize she will never be there
it sure will hurt like hell but ****, at least you'll feel something

j.f

all these goosebumps
that once laid on my arms
from your sweet words
became a hatred i wish i had upon yourself
i always said i had to forget about you
just move on but how can i forget you?
you make my heart beat in a way it never has
you made me believe in love for the first time
and how love hurts
how it doesn't feel like how you feel
when you watch a romantic movie
i would walk 30 billion miles just to be
touched by you
i would cut off my lips just to prove to you
that no one else would be touching them
oh, how i want you
oh, how much i think i need you
but i'm still staying no matter the pain you give
i'm sorry i make you angry
i'm sorry i make you confused
about how love is suppose to feel
i can't say you don't do the same
i love you
i wish i did later
maybe even earlier
maybe not even at all

i hope you know that
even though we are out of love
i still think about you when the sky is
crying at 4 a.m. thinking that maybe
the sky misses you too
i also hope you know that
when the sky is shining bright at 8 a.m.
that you will always be the first thing
i think about
when i wake up

j.f