i hate that i’m lying in bed
with a cup of tea
and can see myself in the future
in our bed
with a cup of tea
and you lying next to me

and i hate that i can see myself turning out the light
and laying my head to rest
on your chest

i hate that i can see us sitting at a little round kitchen table
next to the window
you in your black rimmed glasses
scrolling through your phone
me with my hair ******* and one knee draw up to my chest,
eating a bowl of oatmeal as the sun creeps its way
into the middle of the sky

i hate that i can see us side by side
brushing our teeth in a cramped bathroom
in front of a foggy mirror,
listening to music as we get ready for the day

i hate that i can see us walking out the front door,
i hate that i can see us kissing goodbye

because i’m lying in bed
with a cup of tea
thinking about all of this,
thinking about you

yet i’ve already kissed you
goodbye.

"it's been almost a year,"
that's what they always say
as an effort to help me forget about you.

but it's been almost a year,
and i think i'm missing you again
and i know i swore to myself
that i'd stop writing about you,
but not enough shreds and scribbles
can erase the fact that to this day
you're still my muse,
you're still the only reason i have
to keep writing,
to this day, you're still here.

maybe you're drowning
in the ink of all my pens,
maybe you're engraved
on the pages of every piece of paper
that i write on,
or maybe your face just naturally resembles
all the clouds i look at,
maybe i've just been hoping that
you're looking up at the same sky as i am,
but i know that your skies
are thousands of miles away from mine,
and no matter what i do,
the sunshine there
just won't replace the rain here.

see, they keep telling me,
"it doesn't have to be this hard,"
"it doesn't have to be him"
but thing is, even during those times
when i didn't want it to be,
still, it's always been you.

and i know that
if it had been anyone else,
i wouldn't lose hours of sleep again
i wouldn't have to worry about
time differences either
i wouldn't have to wait for calls
that are way long overdue
and i certainly won't have any problems
missing you;
but i guess i've always been
attracted to complications.

but it's so late
and my thoughts are in disarray
and since i can't be there
to say these things to you
i ended up writing them down
like how i usually do.

soon, we'll be walking under
the same old skies again;
i guess asking you to be patient
would just be selfish,
you probably just stopped waiting.
or maybe you never even have.

*-djs

i bet even after all this time
that if my chest were to
ache with emptiness enough
like it used to i could go to your house
and find the outline of our bodies
on your dark blue bed sheets
i have spent the last year
both trying to run from you
and find you at the same time
but i left everything i knew
about falling in love
on that mattress and
it's still settling there
like dust and
all i can do is write about you
until it comes back to me,
or by some kind of miracle,
you decide to.