I never thought it would be you.
With your brown eyes surrounding like mountains.
Arms always big and warm and hugging someone.
She didn’t deserve you, you know?
Now you’re off somewhere,
On the “greatest adventure of all”.
You were like him the more i think about it.

I was always a little mean to you
I guess i really didn’t understand
I was jealous of your friends, your smile
I thought it was just a pencil
Now it’s a blade and you’re gone
It doesn’t feel real

I remember you at my door
On the phone
And in the kitchen
Alone
With her
Laughing hugging kissing
She loved you

You got better
Stronger.
Daft punk sleeps now.
Because of you.
I complained.
You were so loved
But there must’ve been worms
Under your skin

That night was the worst night
Wasn’t it?
It’s the demons’ fault, whoever they are
They took my friend
I lost you once, now again
But there is no redemption
No hope
No light

You had an ****** flip phone
The background was a picture of your christ
Reaching out his hand through water
You wanted to believe in something so badly
It wasn’t enough i suppose
And that’s the sad truth of everything i know

But you hurt everyone so badly
Did you realize
The giant hole you’d leave
The scars on your skin now on mine
Where did you go
Did you finally go home

You were always a little selfish
But this is the most selfish act of all
Leaving us here while you move on
Now i’m scared
Everyone i know
Everyone i love
Could die
At any time
And i can’t do anything about it

are fingers really tied
together
with red string?
and would you really listen
if i
tried to speak?

coughing up promises
i can never keep.
focusing on blue irises
that always weep.

not for me
and not for you
but for the scars
between us

summer rain comes again
with the pained cry of someone
who isn't quite me.
summer rain comes again
where white meets gray
and lies are true.

static love
isn't love at all.
and i'm not sure
if i could trust you
if i were to fall.

with a single touch
the flowers beneath my skin
unearth and uproot.
with a single cut
i can easily erase
each and every mistake
that i've ever made.

Ex-******* addict and traumatized people pleaser
Keep me high and keep me bound
No one knows who i am in secret
And yet my scars are displayed for all to see
Lines off my face years off my life
I don’t care anymore just take me
He’s mine and im his and i could say im happy
In life and death we’ll be intertwined
If soulmates are real i’d swear i can feel our string
I need you fully and completely
Love beyond time and reason
Beyond physical planes
Kiss me like a dream
Like the first time i hated myself
Feel me like Luci
Who’s gone forever
Will we last
You say we will
I don't care anymore just take me
End it at the afterparty

in an old blue car
driving on the highway
in the snow
i gripped the steering wheel
my knuckles turned white
like the road
my heart didn't beat
it trembled
crying, mirroring
the weather
i think
god would've wept today
if he
were
here at all

threading my fingers through your pink hair
warm silence rises out of open mouths
rose skin and water lilies float above water

we sit on the floor
and peel tangerines
and feed them
to each other

i can almost taste
the summer heat
and the foreign
sweetness
of someone else's
mouth and teeth

like last weeks' laundry
blowing in the wind,
things softly float away
ever so slowly

we twist
and turn
in a dreamlike state.
so the sun's speckles,
stars, and softer skin
will always deceive me

sorry i made you walk
when i promised roses
and i'm sorry i talked
about things that were pointless

you don't make me nervous
you've only made me anxious
that i'll **** up if your eyes
turn silver when you melt

don't fall for me
i'll be your regret

i warned you a thousand times,
spelled it out for you on the fridge
that i am not right, a little too bruised.
but you just smiled and asked
for me to do the same to you.

i'm pretty sure
my heart strings
have snapped by now.

and if cupid has a spare set,
well, i haven't received it.

well yeah man, it's like-
you take a drag, inhale.
your eyes sink and i watch your lips
part slightly and let out a trail of smoke
but your words get lost in my mouth
because i sit up and kiss you
it's sort of slow and feverish
and i climb in your lap and chase it
automatically like a moth to a flame
twisting i almost smile, i lick your teeth
-like this ? i not quite growl
you forgot everything but this moment
but you nod anyway
and i see some indescribable want or need
some days i can't tell the difference
i guess i like you like me
i watch you sit and smoke
every breath you seem a little farther
when you're done you grab me
pull me away into your room
i lie on the bed and taste incense
you look back as music plays
then join me silently and pull me on top
i rest over you like a misshapen blanket
and you get too hot
you look so far gone deep out in space
floating somewhere under me
your eyes glazed and our thighs
it must feel so great to be treated like this
someone to keep you safe
and do anything you say
and selfishly i tried making you mine
but your and my bruises healed
sometimes i wish they had stayed

i stop at the t-junction
between your throat and your collarbone
loving people with a t-suppliment
overthrowing any judgement

you forced me up
and squeezed lemon juice down my throat
i'm pretending that this was never real
but feeling my skin flake and peel

do you ever miss the pain of a new scar?
because there is too much space between my fingers
and it feels raw and unwelcome.

there is something alluring about
unraveling string-
loose ends splitting and breaking
forever vanishing into oblivion

why do things have to be
distorted
clarity is matching fragments
of broken glass
a rarity

this isn't a callout since he's a minor
but we wanted to warn you of his past actions
we do not believe he will change anytime soon

Trigger/Content warnings:
emotional manipulation, suicide, self harm, r slur, n slur, d slur, r//dsk//n slur, c//ntb//y slur, death threats, grooming, violence, racefaking, blackface, disrespecting boundaries/triggers, misgendering, deadnaming, abuse, sexualization of minors and abusive relationships, cheating, antiblack racism, racism against indigenous people, racism against Asian people, Japanese imperialism, alcohol, underage drinking, transmisogyny, transphobia, intersexism, antisemitism, ******

proceed with caution

happy went to a psych ward when he was 12
he has always struggled with [himself]
i knew he was hurting but not until he lashed out
every year he spent christmas away from home with a basket of clothes
i know he he he he i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i

how much could change in just one year

i can't focus
i'm stuck in a room with you
and whatever i do
seems to speak to you
i can't think
i'm inside your skin
and although i try harder
i can't seem to win

i can't get out of it
can't get out of this hole
that's 6 feet deep
and taking my soul
her name is piper
and she's not a fighter
and neither am i
but i have to try for her

she's not as pretty
as funny or witty
but she's someone
that says she likes me
she's not a poet
or anything close to it
but at least she holds me
when i'm so lonely

she stays in my head
or lying in my bed
shows me things
i never thought
i wanted
to see
and
she calls me things
that at any other time
would make me cry
but somehow
it's nice
to be told
what i am
by her

how do i tell her
everything is wrong
this is wrong
this is so so wrong
i'm so wrong

you will never understand how much i hate myself.
how my throat collapses and closes in on itself.
and how tired i am. this aching body is an empty vessel.
sometimes my veins still ache to bloom red roses.
i put my headphones on and the whole world becomes a drone.
a blur of colors and half assed dreams bleeding together.
do you remember that january night in the snow?
we held each other close so we breathed the same smoke.
rosy cheeks and ripe noses, gray eyes and frozen toes.
someday, maybe soon, i'll choose to go through my skin.
by way of rope or knife, i'm not quite sure yet. but it will be scarlet.
my white tissue paper sliced and torn apart by your fingers.
my favorite time of day is any time spent with you.
your arms are home to me, and my heart rots inside out.
i want to scream far and wide into the cold dark sea.
and drown in your recycled oxygen, kneel at your feet.
i will never be more than a kicked dog, a hollow corpse.
oh darling, don't cry for me, this is how it's supposed to be.

cotton blue skies
cigarette smoke clouds
parted lips;
but they spill blood
severed fingers that i'll swallow
indirectly
nervous eye contact
because my brain is a little skewed
you say you don't mind
but i know you do
bathroom tiles are my best friends
real friends hurt like [that]
i want to dissolve like pills in water
to dive into ice blue oceans
and sink down to you
chain me to the bottom
of your ribs

staring at pictures of you
because i love your eyelashes
and your heavy eyes.
you look so sickly,
and tired,
but that's okay,
so am i.

we are magnetic stars
spiraling through the cold ocean of space.
colliding, my lungs fill with ink
joining frail hand in hand,
meeting softly,
sharing an oxygen tank.

our bedroom walls are the same,
our hearts: the same frame
your crooked teeth
and my awkward smile
almost— fit perfectly.

i love her like group therapy loves refreshments.
but sometimes i hate the way things unravel.
and the way we re-tangle after cutting colored strings.
is this really love if all my bones will break?

she said she feels strange sitting next to me,
as she traced the lines of my wrist tattoos and smiled.
it's hard to know where people are in all this air,
they could be nowhere, or dissolved within my skin.

i love her the way flowers bloom between my fingers.
the way i cry after the game and it's the ending screen.
i can't help pleading when i'm so used to the feeling.
is this really love if i come out covered in scars?

i think someone stitched my pockets closed
and the fluorescent light above me flickers,
as if it's possessed by a lonely ghost.

these days grow softer, lines fading into watercolor
and my mouth tastes like a hundred cotton *****
from all these pills i've been prescribed to swallow.

i remember when i wanted to be loved,
now i only want the beating of my heart to cease
but the pulse in my wrists belongs to someone else
and when i look in the mirror, the creature i see isn't me.

sundays are the days i was tangled up in the sheets suffocating
and choking out sobs i couldn't form into proper words
if only her arms could finally envelop me in gentle darkness.

hills of silent nodding flowers
stealing turpentine kisses under peach trees
pointed lips like butterfly wings
her quiet smile fluttered my heart
rippling rose petals upon clear wax waters
gently tangled together like knotted yellow string
ruffled clothing, hair, flora everywhere
her knowing eyes spoke poetry in my skin
it was then that i decided to live

lilies in illinois
soft hands pick the stems
of something
more than a friend

somehow you found me and it was like-
pomegranate suns i could swallow.
i haven't been loved like this in a long time.

i remember when she first smiled sweetly,
danced lightly, and kissed my sour lips
and she said she loved me, but i knew the truth-

she intended to use my body like how mom scoops
out red melon flesh from a rind, to pierce my heart
with black pins and eyes that never looked right.

she whispered secrets to me and found my own.
exploited my nature and soon i was hitting her across the cheek.
she said she liked it and maybe she did, but i was crying.

when i try to speak it all comes up in tangled string
and people don't believe me, even when they can see it.
how could god make me a vessel only to be dissected.

now you're here and i can't even touch you without
flinching, without feeling a phantom fire of the pains
past "lovers" ignited, without a spark, a match.

you have a dark past, twisted through violet fumes.
so do i, but only a reflection of the pages in your book.
i'm tired of living with trauma, when we haven't moved in together.

i have dreams
sometimes
and in them
i'm nailed to a cross
and i have died
there's so much blood
and my eyes
are gouged out
with rosaries
sometimes
it's you and me
alone
and i lose my innocence
over and over
until i'm screaming
and i ***** my lungs up
when i look at the dream you
your face is expressionless
and void of love
i never wake up

i hate everything i do
no matter how many times you tell me
shut up he convinces me
none of this is real
i know you're messed up but it's ok
i (don't) like your screaming
even if it hurts
i really am your *******
your sucker

the further i stand away
the better it seems
so i'll keep this distant

my lungs are *******
with your being
just your name
is hard to say
and your face
is hard to see

all this color
blends into brown
the color of eyes
i've seen before

somewhere
across interstates
our skin could touch
our veins could break

i can't wait
to be a part of you
sometimes i want it so bad
i make myself bleed

these days grow colder
into the pigment of my skin
the frozen air i breathe is thin

with each passing rise and fall
i feel us getting farther
until i can't feel you at all

i can't hold this pain
i collapse with the weight
of nothing but stars

you are sunflowers and summer rain.
you speak softly "we could have a place"
of our own, in the woods, in the meadows,
built of wood and built of love, built of us.

the cottage: cozy, us: all tangled up
and holding hands, what's yours is mine,
so you stole my hoodies and my heart.
our walls are covered with notes and art.

each night we talk under the covers,
you and i, we smile and pass the time.
i grab your hand and you hold mine,
i want this peace until the end of time.

laugh imagine us but not us . like seperated by something like a mouth [i guess] with teeth sharp and eyes red and yellow surrounding ^suffocating me me me you plus me we could fuse in2 1 thing one being like an abs sense of it love only desire or the pavlov relfelx in ur [my] throat when u gag on me it with crying tears of blood and ***** on the carpet on mey feet nthne then they/ we we do it agian and aign and agn on the bed counter even floor ground til ur crying and i would 2 if i could i swear to god if i could eve-n ******* cnsdr HIM as real as that " i love u " but its mor of a question than an answer mor of a randm assmont of symbols (&_%etc) than a [CENSORED]. but her e u r. breathing my air nd wartring my skin with bruisez or pis.s ,tears ,blood just u u liquify and injeced into m y-v e in s .ha. ha ha ha. ... lafwith me cuz nothing is fucki n rea  a l . .  .  /  s oon .

with a kiss
sever the chords of my throat
play a melody while i choke
take my breath
somewhere far away
beneath your skin and your face

i feel 2018
the way we breathe
as our spines collapse
and fall beneath

and i pray
to no one
that you and i
will still be
after all

Jared i’m understimulated
And without a hug
Without arms and legs
I can’t believe you left me
And your closest people
To you it was nothing
To us everything
The sky is grayer now
I see in tones of black
And white suns burn
In my eyes the image
Of you dying inside
Those lungs yearned
For something or someone
And your mother said
Your spirit wasn’t compatible
With your body or this life
I don’t know what to say
Or what to do without you
The whistle and happy hum
Of a train causes immense pain
It’s a shrieking scarlet ****** mess
And now the cold town cemetery
is where you rest
Forever
And ever
Jared
I miss you

3am
3 breaths
Too late
I kept doubting
Moving only in my mind
My body, my sad corpse
Knows only (ab)u(se)
Is it too late
To break free (me)
Come clean
Hurt me
With a bullet
To the chest
Darling
Shining
Cellphone flashlight
Morphine shadow
Opioid dreams
****** sheets
I can’t be what you
Or i
need

twinkling lights
fall playfully onto snow
pink noses and angel breath
clouds i can swallow
frozen toes
and lips so close
we might as well be sharing my scarf
same coat
i wouldn't mind
but you already knew that
our hands in your pockets
fingers interlocked perfectly
this is what they were made for
i can't help but think
what would it be like for two hearts
to beat as one
if i could swallow you like a pill...
...just ask me and i will.
maybe i'd like to die here
as frozen angels in solemn prayer
we speak only
in the air we share

are you fond of ghosts?
because i feel myself dissolving
space is here inside my ribs
want to reach through me?
i'd let you as long
as you speak softly.
if i'm a burden promise
you'll let me know
i want to be a song
a spoon and a pressed flower
in someone's favorite notebook
darling, i'm a wreck
look at me and see what i see
red eyes bleeding thi-
i am the monster in the mirror
and he is me
we dance like lovers
attached to a puppeteer's strings
will you hold these broken hands
and kiss my malignant lips
please you stupid *******
step into me which is the fading abyss
eat me alive make me
something
some kind of shape
rather than just a twisted line
my heart ******* exploded
a hundred times
for you
how do you feel?
because i feel dizzy from all this
oxygen between us
1,300 miles of static ice
i'd do anything to cross it
and get my heart broken
again. for you.
pretend i matter
if only
for a moment

the day we both lost our breath
i was box breathing
in
out
you
me
in
you
out
me
inside [our] empty lungs
i don’t know about you
but i can’t breathe like this
right now it’s 3 but
maybe it should be 4 or more
since we mold
and shape
inside
although my brain
will stay the same
we join
at the tongue
but the act is never done

Feeling something
Lonely like a concrete wall
Cold in my bed under the covers
I want to forget
I bet they feel the same
You confuse me with your spiral eyes
I cut myself for money offer you
A portion and all my love
Yet I’m something faltered
Wrong for the right reasons
Wrong for the wrong reasons
Alone and waiting for no one
Unconventional methods
We tell each other how we’d **** ourselves
You’re hitting me through a straw
I’d prefer a bite of something sweet
Everything reminds me of him
All the hims really
Every new him is like the last but with a separate journal entry
Now I’m on a grainy camera trying to make a living or something
My dad calls me a failure to my face
My mother is violent in her silence
I’ll never be anyone else they see in me
I’m a moth drawn to the flame of promise
A flame I burn my skin with
Writing words for you
Not for myself
Because there is nothing here
I spend my days curled up with my own fingers
In the palm of my own hand

staring at the snow
falling slowly
pink noses
and frozen toes
i see visions
of our coffins
side by side

i am sorry.
everything falls down
we descend from an open mouth
twisted kaleidoscope legs and eyes
colors of all kinds
was i a friend of yours
hands open and close splitting doors
my writing isn't very good
my speaking is worse
it all falls out in tangled ribbons
distorted chords
the pattern of the cadence of my heart
is your hand crawling up my arm
i see windows in skin
and a mantis on your tongue
aftermath has become
me. i am sorry
because you see
i was never made to be here
my mother has explained it to me
fear is no good because
we will all shrivel and collapse
as we should
i am nothing but a fever dream
the rosy cheek kiss
of last spring
the pills in your bottles
the salt in your water
the freckles on your neck
today is yesterday
and tomorrow is believing
in something you can't see
i think bruises
are the prettiest thing
i've ever seen
can't i crawl out of
your stomach and into
your arms
selfishly i want to be
your friend

LA and part japanese 4 foot 11 boy-girl
hushed pet names and laughs and [that].
quiet about your mother and step mother
and you spend - days - in your room shut
alone with no food water company etc just
your fist and your laptop hot on your bare
thighs the fan whirring louder than your
hands and the skin and whatever else you
do and im sorry i get red and i push and i
pound and im sorry it seems like you want
it. just tell me how to love you because i
dont know how and its hurting everything

the girls locker room
me and you
the hallway and the doorway
and the picnic blanket in the breeze

blood on my knees
spit on my cheek
collarbone markings
from your teeth

show up after class
not the same as the last
you're high and i'm low
is this the way
it's gonna go?

sober makes me
feel heavier than
underneath that "man"
one whole year ago

now we dance
in the pitch black
dark of the locker room
you're grabbing for me
and i'm fumbling for you

falling on the ground
i don't see anything
but i feel your breath
as you ask
"what's next?"

and i don't know.

her name is apart
and like me, she won't swallow.

he left himself
rotting somewhere away from me.
and maybe
i should be happy
but the pain of a severed heart lingers.

so are you damaged like me?
then i don't think i should see you
but i know i will anyway.
so meet me between your teeth tomorrow.

did she
forget
about me
?
air in my lungs
i will never exhale
sinking to be alone
dying for trust
.
we are stars
falling angels
shattered glass
dancing hearts
.
god's eyes
in
cherry syrup
pools
lips that seal
lies
i am enveloped
in shame
.
he said
"she
would be
with you
if she could
.
but she
doesn't
want
to admit
that"
.
does that mean
she loves me
like i love her
like spring sheets
roses with trimmed off
thorns and butterfly
eyelashes watercolor
kisses and hands held
.
perhaps she
would marry me
wed in october
when we started
speaking in whispers
,
but
i know
she is
afraid

i guess it was my fault
you breached the line between
skin and 375 degrees
i tried so hard to be good
why did i care
it hurt
you got what you came for:
me inside out my pain
you left me in the sheets
where i cried for weeks

my friends get blitzed without me
so i smoke out my own window
curl my legs in tight and cry sober

i wish i had more body heat and
someone's melting heart to bleed out
and whisper sweet everythings to

yet i don't know how to deal with
people begging for *** and
on their bruised knees for me-

since i was never taught consent.
i just gave up myself when asked,
eyes turning silver with a shiver

now he's coughing up his lungs
and calling it love, breathless
and asking to see me up close

i want someone else without
the false conceptions of intimacy
but here i am slumped over my desk

bent for all to see my imperfections
what? do you like my crippling illness?
that's good, because i keep it just for you

There is something wrong about
The way i breathe
The way my lungs fill
The way the air leaves

There is something wrong about
The way we kiss
The way your eyes roll
The way i choke on this

The atmosphere tastes sour
Like a papercut
and
The taste on your tongue
Isn’t foreign
But that doesn’t mean it’s welcome

There is something heavy about
The way you’re numb
The way you’re ******
So you can be with someone

the desire was defined
but soon it faded in the night
came in bursts of pomegranate
tried to catch it
i held tight to cherries hotter than the sun
some days i swallowed them
like fizzy pink pills
and my eyes melted
like raspberry taffy and bled
through my wax paper skin
this is the beginning

she smiled at me
"we can't do this anymore"
the curtains were drawn
we were left as neglected fetuses
i began cutting my strings one by one
her touch haunted me in my sleep
after tasting the bitter morning
my pale hands delved into my chest
past transgressions reveal yourself
the night came after orange withdrawal
she returned with a silent kiss
we stepped into styrofoam
her passiveness was almost comforting
we shared apricots and drew red lines
into each others' skin.
the peachy morning sun rose
and it all came up in tears
i vomited on my white sheets
in disgust of myself

My stomach hurts
****
Thinking about driving
Into the blurry red of br(e)ak(e) lights.
Im doing exactly
What you tell me not to
Why why why
I’m worse than nothing
Now there’s dark clouds on my robin’s egg sky
Bruises in my snowy mountains
Decay in my wooden heart
Maybe it was like that from the start
I don’t know
So leave me
Leave me baby
I’m a sickening excuse of a human being

silence.
sitting painfully together
i try to lean against her
but she's too small
i'd crush her i think
like a flower
had a breakdown right there
laying my head on the table
i was so scared
we had to go
so i wiped my eyes
stood up
"u ok?"
i nodded the best i could
walked her to class
and on the way
she grabbed my hand
and held it

c chord hands
cold drinks and warm clean sheets
flower chains, sweet dreams
breathe out and i'll breathe you in
let's be a cycle of endless CO2
poisoned with green apple highs and
lowest lows where my wrists grow roses
lone plum tree, a light breeze
wish some birds would land on me
i've learned light eyes are deceiving
colored yarn weaving through my bones
tighten it and see my lungs burst
like that night. separated like twins at birth
blue violet eyes and vines cover pink skin
she's dripping from a spoon
like sweet honey

i just want to be loved
eternally infinitely endlessly and painlessly
i want your entire being and i want it to belong to me
matches made in heaven and hell to be fused as one
sew your heart to mine and sew your wrists to my own never alone

eyes reflecting
moonlight
velvet and violet
an aura of nervousness
swear i can hear my heart
beating to an unsteady rhythm
making this quiet night
a dark disco
it begs to fly away
you and i
pink undertones
just above your bones
i tell you should eat a little more
you always seem so unsure
blue eyes turn grey
before either of us are ready
we collide
like mixing paint
violet and i