i refuse to subdue my emotions
not because i'm not mature enough to handle ***
i refuse to subdue my emotions
because i don't want my heart
to look like yours

i wanted to know you
not what you were doing
not your latest idea
not your next big project
not how much you would make
not your next inspiration
not the motivation
not the gear you use
or who you're meeting
what brand you're promoting
who you captured in motion

i wanted to know
what draws you to your rooftop
late at night
why you conceal so much
about what you feel
why you can't sit still
and can't slow down
why you show up
but mostly why you never do
what time you brush your teeth at
what makes the hair on your neck stand up
where you'd like to be touched
what makes you feel good
what your favorite food is
if you prefer a sunset or sunrise
how you got to be so close to your parents
why you were afraid to sing
or admit you go both ways too

all of these things and more i do not know
and once wanted to know
but now will sift in the waves of my head
now ceasing the endless search for answers
i am tying down the mast
and giving up the hunt for new territory
in your head
things i wish i'd asked before i let you drift away
things that no longer matter to me
even if you took the time to explain them

all i wanted was to know your humanity
to trace the contours of your personality
with my finger
until i knew each inch by heart
but you don't let people in
for fear of rejection
but by not letting me in
i fear i have no choice but to reject you
again,
it's not what i'd like
it's more heartbreaking to stare at a door
that you're afraid to open
and i regret not seeking to break it down with an axe
all those years lightly tapped the outside
and you couldn't hear me
i never tried hard enough to know you
but you don't try hard enough to be known

it's nothing more than a photograph
with no context
no background
no story
no meaning
but still i can't stand to see your face
beside her
framed by her long hair
you look happy
it's painfully obvious
it's black and white

i feel demolished
you opened me up
and felt my insides
vulnerability spilling out like spaghetti
the quiet of the blade
you didn't sew me up correctly
if you patched me hardly at all

and what for?
years to kiss the pain away
and you dig it all from it's grave
you hand it to me
the backstabbing, numbing sensation
beating alive and well

i wish these walls were barren
so i could scream and scratch out the plaster
the white wash of concrete
spying on us making love
give it something else to look at

you can find me
ripping out strands of my hair
at 11:58 at night

i pay someone now
to validate my issues
i pay her to listen
and justify my behavior
i'm still scared to tell her
how deep the agony runs
how wildly alive you are in my mind
this late at night
haven't heard from you in days
unblocked your number
just in case
you were thinking of me
it feels like a drug withdrawal
without you

it's weird meeting with people
who actually loved you
after months have passed
this love that once strived to be permanent
like conquering mountains
but i shed it like snakeskin
forever is way too hard
when you're too selfish to love people back
always chose myself
did you know your feelings
were the greatest gift i've ever known?

i thought if i arrived here early
and gave you no set time
i would have a bit of the morning to myself
but you were already around the corner
i knew you would be
i know you well, too

i didn't let us go deep this rainy morning
we should only go forward from here
not backwards
we talk
hell, we live in small talk
i say i thrive in summer
you talk about the snow
not much has changed
and somehow weather preferences
felt like the biggest incompatibility then
the most mundane of compromises

didn't run to my own defenses
or fall to your knees apologizing
didn't tell you if i pray or who i've slept with
or that i spent the last three days
crying on the jumpseat
we talk about the coffee shop
i just came here to create a new memory
stub out everything that was
like a stale cigarette
see? i haven't changed that much

instead i say i'm tired of sitting in the back of the plane
as people probe and poke my sides like an insect
asking for coffee with five packets of splenda
i say new york is a drag most days
i am lonely
i wonder if i'm pregnant
it's the only reason i stopped binge drinking
i woke up and wasn't hungover
thank god
i wouldn't admit that i miss the noise
of dry heaving over a toilet bowl

you didn't pay for my coffee
or pour your soul out
or drive me home
you say you leave today
you don't even say you came here for me
because you are just as free to be
so i nod and begin putting my headphones on
before even saying goodbye
i leave the conversation abruptly
ending on a note about
how many cape verdeans
live in boston
i grab my bouquet of sunflowers
slip away into the brooklyn fog
i was gone before you knew it
all the effort you put to be here
with me today
for me to walk out the door
reminiscent of what i did to you then
on a smaller scale

you say "until next time"
but you know i'll slip through the cracks
like i do
predictable me
and even when you find me
i'll be on the run

there's a boy who came from boston
but i am reeling over you
one week since you were in my body
your impression left between my hips
against my ribcage
there's a boy
perhaps wondering
why i haven't given a time
for us to meet quite yet
i'm on my way and he has no clue
to the coffee shop you invited me to first
while there was still snow gathered at the curb
he's probably wondering why i never called
to say goodbye back then
i wonder if you've realized
that i haven't yet given you the same chance
because i'm hoping in agony
that there isn't a chance
something is growing inside me
something that's ours
because i'd keep it

6/5/2017

sinking into the white blur of my sheets
wondering if this courage is fleeting already
i was so brave sunday morning
to finally let go
secretly hoping if you can't reach me easily
perhaps you'll find a way
if it means enough to you
you'll float by
and toss a rock at my window on the sixth floor
of my nyc apartment
i don't need that

for the first time i laughed in manhattan today
the first time in awhile to breathe
the skies looked cold and harsh
but it is undoubtedly summer
"the best summer of life," you'd say
with you i felt doubt
in my pursed lips
holding my tongue with all the words
i'll only write down
it still has a chance to be

vanessa and i held onto the hours
to process and reminisce
when we were once students in a room full of books
you
working on your latest project
i remember the tie around your neck
the suit jacket you put around my shoulders
still thinking the same thought then as i do now:
one day it won't hurt and i'll hold my head high
as i unravel
become undone
become who i was meant to be
not thinking of you and a bottle of bacardi
with polaroids and pictures
burned to the ground
this fortress we built on unstable foundations

remembering
your body pulsing against mine
rest my head on your chest and laugh
your sheets
walk me out the door with no clothes on
before i say goodbye for good

this is day two of a life without you
a second go
if you want to make time
you'll see to it
today i will not let my emotions take precedence
over the rational decision to leave
stronger, baby

5/24/17

do not confuse moody
with impatience
you grew up in a ray of light
surrounded by warmth
people that set you up
to be the way you are
raised in togetherness
you never had that wholeness
ripped away from you
or experienced the death that
swallowed my own blood
confirming the dissonance
that was always to exist in my life
into an unknown
and so all my darkness
makes me "self-absorbed"
because it's so painfully affected my days
my weeks, my years
it's hard to simply ignore
because i was a plant half-watered
since the day i was born
and you received growth in abundance
so we assess the grey areas
and you fill the black voids
with white luminescence
so why are people are driven away?
you're always able to pull people in
with the right words to say
i fall for it, too
the seven of nightlights
a candle floating in a river
my flaws are the bend of a waterfall
i've sent you straight over the edge
once before
but you always burned fervently
all the while, engrossed and enveloped in me
this darkness unwavering
two kids in a living room
to two adults on the roof
just a moment
a split second
that preceded a memory ingrained

5/24/17

speak of her
when we all know
i'm just a downgrade
from the one who got away
and you're the one she left
to find the one she decides to wake up to
each morning

5/24/17



our bodies are rhythmic
i could tell
you wanted it
we won't call it anything
but we could stop
but it's not easy
is it more painful to not have you
or is it more painful to have you
knowing you can share that rhythm
with someone who isn't me
the girl that's always
puts me at second
which is more of a compliment
reality says i'm better seated at fifth, or sixth
and you make me your universe for one night
and more nights after
and turn around
and turn against me
with lovely words and a grain of confidence
it's so painful
that you fill spaces in my body that perfectly match
but never settle in my heart
and we never did
the thrill of addiction
sugarcoat it so not to cheapen
this abstract love
where you make the rules
but you also give me a way out
it's not like i have to stay here
but i'd move away
from how crazy i'd be
not *******, not loving
i wait for the day you say
"you're beautiful"
even if it's not the beauty
you swear you're gonna find
in someone that isn't me
one day
it's pathetic

5/23/17

she taught me of new beginnings
and the healing of january
that you don't have to be profound
all the time
you don't have to be observed
you can change the storyline
but still remember that time

together we drank in nashville
to the days of virginia
swearing to return to art
when we got there
our lives were in full circle
she still believed in me
she is the closest thing
to an older sister i know
and maybe i am strong enough to say
that i don't love the person
that she let go of too

forget that i never even asked
to be apart of a narrative
that's supposed to make us feel good
or that i never asked
to redeem a life with you
that's been dead to me
long enough to forget the distance
you placed
and decided on your terms to come back
only for me to be haunted by the day i wept
in a public place for you
and in your car
and for hours in the dark of my living room
with a drink in my hand
you're the only one
who expects for things to be emotional
without the actual emotion
for things to be physical
without degrading it to be only physical
forget that you get to respond
when you want to
forget that you get to **** me
when you like
forget that I'm always bending to your parameters
your rules
your definition of "friendship"
the *** may have been consensual
but it doesn't feel like it
you don't want us to forget our time
bur "it's so special"'
how can we give up
without getting away from each other
altogether?
we can't

5/23/17

i don't need to know where you were
or why you were
you're capable
and i'm unhinged
so i bite my tongue
while slowly unraveling
a silk ribbon
expecting to be gracious
and instead leaving
finite and forgotten
yet it's so wildly enticing
i can't keep mind off it
just like you
you were a weightless breeze  
gliding the timeline with intent
to sanctify the hollows
where our souls are supposed to be
an immovable statue
an immaculate picture
for whom i must convince myself
that control is okay
so the tables can turn

5/23/17

low

you don't have time
to check in
and it feels so low
you have time to bring wine
you have time to kiss me
sleep with me
leave me in the morning
you have time
to say "i'd love to"
when i choose you
to venture the world
you don't have time
to read my messages
it feels so low
to not be acknowledged
like you don't even care
except at your convenience
you have time to know my body
to see and taste
undress and redress me
but you won't address me
or give me time

10/5/16

he left for the west without a single gesture
or farewell
and I was left with the memories of our pillow talk
and how we spoke of the future straight into the night
at first, we were innocence
a soft peck on my nose
then my cheek
and my mouth which he finally silenced with blissful inquiry
our bedside hello's while holding fractured mugs
and each hour i realized how fleeting adolescence was
scarred by the thrill and demise
i relapsed into your hands
and then the evening and the world i created caved in around me
seconds stood still like fragments of debris in an hourglass
our timeline shaped by an unfortunate call
and we swore to never hold on again
but maybe this last time here in this familiar room with each other was justified
you cried for me in secrecy
because you didn't want to feel weak
we were wrapped in black jackets and strode in black shoes on the first of november
blistering cold
we couldn't feel our hands but we shared a cigarette
each inhale stained with the pigments of my lipstick
and you made it okay
but you left for the west

4/30/2017


is it talent and accomplishments
or character and value?
for all my wrongs, you're still constant
from city to city, i'd like to be where you are
part of me believes you'd like that too
back to the days of shared sheets
your hazel eyes
i'd love each freckle as if they made up each constellation we named once
maybe the real me is riveting and dying for life
waiting for the day for someone like you
to have your hands around me

8/11/2016

i want something electric, so vivid and blinding that it leaves an imprint in my vision like walking into a dark room after being in the sun
i want passion so rare it leaves me foraging for whatever's left of me by the time you're gone
i want to speed down the coastline [evolved yet unchanged]
i don't know how to unglue myself from what you are
maybe i'll keep giving into the callousness in my heart that's been growing like a cancer since the first betrayal
you've used those lines before
they're carved in me with lingering pains that things are an illusion and i'm here to boost your ego
i've played this game long enough to know who the bad guys are
but what if i'm the bad guy for escaping something stable and unwavering
for a toxic replacement
[albeit you're pretty easy on the eyes]
teeter-tottering between saying something and actually doing it
my soul on a string like a tether ball where the players are you versus everyone else
and you say one thing
one tiny, insincere affirmation
my mind goes around the pole in circles until it's completely wrapped around the edges the way you have me singled around your rough fingers
creating knots out of my insides
yet all of your red flags fly violently
so i swing the other direction
loosening at the peak before you come back around and hold me like a child again
a vicious cycle
dangling a dangerous scenario in front of me like an animal eyeing food until it's clawing at your leg to rip it from your hands with their bare teeth
even in my fair share of evenings i was better off not having, you're miles ahead
pretending to be big kids an adult's world
and my mind goes miles a minute at the thoughts
you're not helping slow it down
you are no more an animal than i

8/12/2016

a single space and two bodies  
you are drawn to the same air as i
but only (and only) sometimes
i wait for the message
that says "hello beautiful"
sift through the crowds to reach you for "goodbye"
and those days always come and go
when they're here, they're here
when i have nothing to show for myself
i can't stand to be next to a mirror
picking apart all the things you say you love about me
up and awake wondering when you'll set your sights on a new shiny distraction
i don't believe in putting a padlock on handcuffs and swallowing the key
nothing gold can stay
yet my mouth waters at the thought of pulling you in
but this place is a social experiment
where you and i can be whoever you want
i am a social chameleon
adjusting to whichever patterns and personalities fit my surroundings
believer and doubter
but the light and darkness aren't ambiguous
just the shadows between
and that's where we'll be
if you let me

8/27/16

you flirt with me innocently through a receipt
my last night at here
and for the last three months i tried to justify the casual verbal and physical ****** harassment that was happening before me - to me
because he was easy on the eyes
and he dressed up ***** words to make them sound poetic and pretty
and anything but romantic
nobody had to ask why i was leaving because i didn't tell anyone except for the managers - all but one
the one who is known for this pattern of taking us naïve girls to the beer cooler in the back
to do anything but what was gentlemanly
and i ate up every single line like they were candy hearts
because he made my head blow up like a balloon
he's in there now
smiling like nothing's wrong
and when it's blatantly obvious that everything about what he does is so wrong - even illegal - that's what merits a "what's wrong"
and i don't know why i still love you
because you haven't once attempted any of the things you said you would
you've just pulled me so fearlessly close that i have to get as far away as possible because the "l" word scares me
and you would rather her than i
and you're caged up in the same home as someone you probably have to share a bed with even though you don't want to
you blame it all on the way your parents raised you
and the nightmare your mother had
meanwhile i would've cared for you relentlessly
and i do?

8/14/16

you're the only person that makes my words melt before i even get a chance to push them into existence
it's not hard for me to talk usually
yet with you i feel completely dumbfounded like the times i've stood in front of a crowd of hundreds aimlessly entertaining (i'm sure you know what that's like)
i pick apart and pre-meditate every word and that's all they are
you weave them together in ways that are strangely more beautiful
even ******
and the eloquence of your words that flow out of you with the same ease as water escaping a glass -
is the same effortless pairing i spend hours attempting to perfect
most days i never get it right
hell, it feels like a cliché to want someone as bad as the next girl who struts her stilettos to the bar
just for a single compliment or peck on the cheek
sometimes it makes me wonder
if i'm any different
i feel like i sink away in the everyday black but there's always something you want to say to acknowledge that hey, today i got up and tried
every time you pull back
it all feel so useless
divided
unclear
messy
irate
i don't want your all, i just want a little bit

8/8/16

i thought i lost this at the psych unit  
and now i wear it so i don't forget where i'm going and why i'm going there
so i'm not strung along the day-to-day of the metro suburbs in the nation's capital
where it's all hustle, bustle, or get out of my way
red line of blue line? silver or green?
somewhere in the masses
i am part of the chaos blurring past corporal company buildings and stockholders
the metallic blue nissan in a sea of teslas, porsches, BMWs
i won't throw around the cliché to "grow where i'm planted" but supposedly this is where i'm supposed to be for now
with no one left to impress but a fantasy
it's crazy what our minds will entertain
a year ago i was wandering on a godforsaken island and now i waste the days folding silverware
it's okay
and so am i

5/15/2015

i spend more time in silence than i ever have
maybe there are people who assume songwriters don't spend much time in the quiet because we're constantly creating melody after the next
but i'm really longing for some noise
rather than watching dust collect on the brass of my strings and the ivory of my keys
rather than watching clean and ***** clothes settle on the maroon-colored floor I haven't seen in weeks
just waiting to be separated and sorted like my issues
this type of media we thrive on (which is anything but social)
offers me a glimpse into a hopeful window of your life
which i willingly chose not to be apart of
again and again and again
the life of someone gifted
who knows when and when not to speak
who has let me redeem second chances way too many times
and who is very aware of how much i abuse the love i'm given
and especially the people who give it to me
i didn't want you to keep giving love to someone who cannot reciprocate it
i see through that small window while you live out your dreams
thinking how pathetically cruel i was not to just sever the cable wires that kept us entangled for way too long
i can't help myself but take every little opportunity to peek into your happily little life
because i know my departure and absence as a bystander is contributing to the happy you i get to see in little places everywhere
while i fight to learn how to love so i can live the way i'm meant to

4/25/2016

there has been a kind of love that has been untouchable and unspoken. a love that's sent my heart reeling to depths of me that reveal my messiness for what it is. for me to hide it would be foolish, for me to think you do not know would be foolish too.
i weaved through the heartache of being a careless muse for so long - but do i have to?
because allowing myself to be just that, {if only just that, and nothing else} allowed me to be in a place full of people that are so happy to see your words thrive and given new life
{dancing surrounded by the people who love you - your best friends, your brother, and a stranger who let me be at eye level with you above the rest for just a moment}
I believe there will be a day where there is not a single bit of darkness and uneasiness attached to your words and i won't leave a show with tears in my eyes and my head held high.
that's the kind of place i want to be someday.

so here is my january confession. the words i've maintained in fear
i love you for who you are behind the curtains in your freezing room with a blanket and a couple cigarettes, not solely who you are on a stage
i love your kindness, your willingness, your determination to not settle for the "backup plan" or mediocrity, and your hands that i've only been familiarized with a couple times
i love you in the "maybes", the maybe of still waiting for your trust and forgiveness, the maybe of should i stay or run away from this, the maybe of you finding a new muse, the maybe of you showing up at my doorstep to embrace a weeping, unlovable me who couldn't go home without you, the maybe that this is the end and in my stubbornness i refuse to let it be just that {and maybe i have to}
i love you even in your decision to be as far away from me as your feet can take you, even if that distance is only three right turns away
and for nearly two years of my life - through all the mistakes and let downs and "can't forgive you's" and reciting of new lies of old guys - i have had the unsettling feeling that i will always feel this way
and as you too were once the boy thinking of me from that dc window, know that there is a girl who is unwavering to the promise that i will always be yours if ever you want me to be
even if it's a harsh long line of waiting and not measuring up
even if it means giving up music for a little while and lying low in the little spotlight of this town, i'd risk it
and i know you have two hundred good reasons to run but i am still finding a thousand reasons to not just leave it
you are not special to me because of how you cared then, but how you have treated me with so much respect and kindness in the aftermath
and that is invaluable to me for someone who has felt as defeated as I have for so long
and i'm okay with you not believing or not responding and crumpling this up like this is just a new effort to haunt you because of how worn down my apologies have been
and words can be so, so empty (how many letters have you collected now?)
and this probably looks like the equivalent of a cliché from an 80's movie with a boombox
but i'd love you well and relentlessly and bravely {all the ways that i didn't before} in the hope you can forgive my shortcomings and trust that (if anything)
because the constant professing of "I love you's" are not in the romantic (though I do like you very, very, very much and i think maybe you care a little too) i love you as a person
and one year later that will not be changed