sometimes it hurts
how badly i want you
how badly i want
to be loved by you

honestly life is ******* hard
my only advice is:
follow your heart
kiss me if you want to
and don't eat lightbulbs.

i dress like a 6 year old
and call it fashion
all bright clashing colors
stickers and beads
way too many accesories
oversized everything
sort of a toned down
crackhead-decora

maybe it's just
the morning air
that makes your eyes look that blue
or maybe it's just the fact
that im still
in love with you

a grey-blue-green
~dream boy~
a slow dancing
~soft boy~
a smoking hot
~lover boy~
a leather jacket
~bad boy~
too bad he can't be
~my boy~

i lost him
for a few hours
i almost cried
he was under the seat in my car

so i guess
im not that much better
of a parent than you

tastes like toothpaste
and burns my eyes
i don't like it
mint

~
if you knew the sun would never rise again
would you love me then?
~
could we be together forever
if forever was only tonight?
~
if it all meant nothing
would i be your everything then?
~
if you knew it was the last time
would you say goodbye?
~
or would you stay then,
until the end?
~

i was an ugly kid
no joke, i was borderline scary.
for starters:
i was almost a foot taller than all the other kids
and i was extremely underweight.
i had these bright purple
wire-frame grandma glasses
and i dressed like a boy.
i was (still am) terrified of butterflies
and i genuinely believed that i was a vampire.
i also heard voices and talked a lot about my
"imaginary friends"
because real people didn't like me
~
now i'm just
a fat, ugly *** swan
and i don't have any friends at all
not even imaginary ones

im still here for you
and all of the ****** up things
you could ever do

boredom is heavy
and makes you think
so we spin the bottle
and sip our drinks
we watch it whirl
then kiss our friends
make nothing of it
but boredom's end

i love you
still
i think i always
will

i can't do anything more
from this point on
you do whatever you're doing
and all i'm going to do
is smile

questions? comments?
save em

im sick of this ****

i am
everything
anything
nothing at all

i will
do whatever
be whoever
go wherever
i want

im not anything
im everything
****
it
all

i can
i will
i am

i don't care
but i do
im going to
but i wont

even i
don't know
what i'll do next

one moment
im fine
the next
im overwhelmingly
dizzy
nauseous
disgusted

it isn't a choice
it's a blackout
i cant feel my fingers
i cant feel anything

just
that it all
needs to come
out

like if it doesn't
it'll **** me

i have to
𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥
to be thinner

i hate it
so much
i hate the retching
i hate the need
the urgency

i hate the fact
that my brain will no longer
allow
me to keep down
one can of soda

i hate myself
and i need every last drop
out

i  l o o k  i n t o  y o u r  e y e s
b u t  a l l  i  s e e  i s  d u s t  a n d  f l i e s

i  w i s h  y o u ' d  h e a r  m e  o u t
b u t  y o u r  s c r e a m s  a r e  f a r  t o o  l o u d

i  w a n t  t o  s e e  t h a t  l i g h t
c o m e  b a c k  t o  y o u r  m i n d

i  k n o w  y o u ' r e  d y i n g
b u t  y o u ' r e  j u s t  s o  d a m n  b e a u t i f u l

w h e n  y o u ' r e  s m i l i n g

o h ,
w h a t   a   m e s s
i ' v e   g o t t e n   m y s e l f   i n t o
t h i s   t i m e

it's just me
and my mind
all alone tonight

~
oh stars, how do you shine
on a night like tonight?
oh moon, you coward soul,
why do you hide?
~
sleep evades us,
we midnight thinkers
we conscious dreamers
us poets of the night
~
we that drag ourselves
to and fro
under the sun
we that welcome
miss midnight
and her quiet humdrum
~
we that smile
under the cool moon
under the burning stars
and cry out
hello, midnight!
~

~
1. try on everything in your closet and determine that you look awful no matter what you wear

2. play rachmaninovs elégie op. 3 no. 1 with the synthesizer tuned to sound like a robot so the fact that it's for dead people feels less heavy

3.  turn literally everything into art - including yourself and all reachable surfaces - paint, write poetry, make music, dance and be free

4. drink more water in one sitting than you have consumed in your entire life

5. put a box fan at the end of your bed, therefor inflating your blankets and effectively making a sick blanket air cave

6. reflect on every terrible thing you have done and all of the people you've lost

7. spiral into a deep depression and wonder why you're even alive when the only things you have to live for are universes away

8. remember that life itself is pointless and that nothing means anything until you force it to

9. pet your cat because shes a beautiful girl and she deserves all of the love in the world and more

10. absolutely, no matter what, never ever go to sleep.
~

hot hot hot
tear tracks on my cheeks
big red flags
all over those empty streets
searching - searching
then falling apart
memories faded
but memorialized in art
splinters
wood under skin
paint fumes
brain wearing thin
feeling things
from a long-gone time
and crying
over what was lost, but never mine
~
there is nothing good
tonight

~
i have a plan
that nobody knows
only me and my brain
decide where i'll go
~
i wont leave a letter
i wont say goodbye
just me
my favorite sweater
a ring
a **** ton of scars
and one hell of a story to tell

thank you
for returning it
i dont know if you remember
but it was my grandfathers
~
i think this is it
the end of this part of my life
ive changed a lot
and i think you have too
~
thank you
for being there when you were
and for all of the memories
that still make me smile
~
if it's okay with you
i'd like to go back to being strangers
for my own sake (and i think yours)
besides, in a way, we kind of are