look at me, all scrubbed up and shiny
look at me, im so happy!
i go to church
i smile real pretty
i never talk back
i never act ******
im a good worker
a good friend, a good kid
im polite and responsible
i dont wish i was dead
im not crazy
not angry
not wild
not free
im not reckless
not silly
not colored
not me

ive been split open and emptied
fixed up by a shrink
im not anything special
dear god, ive been bleached!

i wear it everyday
im not ignoring you
i just have no idea what to say
i know what i mean to you
but i refuse to hurt you
because you mean so much to me too
so i wont pull you in closer
i wont let you poison yourself
with me

today was my last day with my therapist
he's heard your name a lot in the last year
today we just played air hockey
while i talked about all of the times you made me smile

he didn't say much
he just let me cry

i don't feel better, really
but it was nice to think about you
to not push any memories down
just let it all flow

i miss you.
i'm too tired to feel angry or scared
or anything at all.

i can't explain why
i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel
but i know i still love you
and i'm pretty sure i always will.

i am going out to lunch with my friends
i ordered a small diet pepsi
i am laughing and flirting with boys
i am acting like nothing will ever fall apart
i am fake
i am plastic
i am fine

do it
whatever it is
hit me
hurt me
you want to feel something?
lets feel it together
you want it to hurt?
i can make it hurt
whatever you need
take it out on me
instead of yourself

i have no family to live for
no real friends to fall back on
no dreams, no hopes, no future
all of my life
no one has ever wanted me
needed me
i am useless
without you

so whatever you're going through
take it out on me
and go live your life
love your friends
be good for them
and leave the bad with me

trying everything there is
to distract myself from you

but i am so afraid
so, so afraid
that one morning
you'll be more than distant
afraid that you'll be gone

i don't sleep anymore
i just sit in bed
staring at my phone
like it will tell me that you're fine
like it will save you

it's none of my business
but i am so
*******
scared

i hate myself for caring
because i know it only hurts us both
but you fill a space inside of me where nothing else seems to fit

maybe im a *******
because it hurts
and it's awful
and its better than any drug ive done

it makes my hands shake
and my breath hitch
still

i want to give you cd mixtapes of your favorite songs
i want to send you 3:00 am messages and bad selfies
i want to put on my favorite skirt and dance with you
i want to take you back to the ocean with me
i want to see your sad smile under the california stars
i want to make everything better, so you never have to be sad again
i want to spend hours memorizing your eyes
i want to go on long road trips, see the wind in your hair
i want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you laugh
i want to take you to festivals and old coffee shops
i want to go to thrift stores with you and try on crazy clothes
i want to listen to your music and love your art
i want to be your number one fan and your best friend
i want to be yours and have you as mine

but most of all, i just want you to be happy.

i have a friend
one real friend
her name is crystal
she could never hurt anyone really
but people are afraid

she is calm and sweet
and furious
there is fire in her soul
and loneliness too
i think

we are the same
terrifying and lonely
natural enemies of the world
a perfect pair

a car
a job
a scholarship
a relationship**
my mother doesn't hate me
im not on drugs
im not depressed

but im not happy.

i have everything i could have ever wanted for myself.
and i hate it.

nothing is interesting
nothing makes my heart race
it's all routine
do this then that
i
hate
it

somehow
6 months ago
i was happier with nothing
(one thing)
(him)

i just wanna be happy

tall, actually,
taller than me, even.
i know.
that's ridiculous.
he's 6'3.

...

wow.

kissing him is
kinda good.
i don't have to lean over
i actually kinda hafta go up on my tippy toes

i have never felt small before.
i was the 5 foot 4th grader
"sasquatch girl"
"amazon"
"scyscraper"
"the lurch"
for crying out loud.

but he can hold me
he makes me feel special
he makes me feel
small

i just snorted the powder
from the bottom
of a sour gummy worms bag

it burns

do i pretend
like i dont know you?
do i say hello?
make a joke?

i saw you come in
and i hoped you wouldn't see me
im pretty sure you did though

everybody seems to think im going to be a huge ***** about this
but really im just confused
and sorry
and sad.

babies are manipulative as ****
these little people
that everyone sees as helpless and innocent
can bring a room of men to hysteria
i have seen fathers rip their hair out
at the idea of losing a child
grown men go to prison
for their little girls

so when this little baby cries
i don't see helplessness
i see power
being grasped and used
to survive

here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

why do i sit here
decoding and overthinking
trying so hard
to figure out
if he really likes me

why do i care
if he thinks about me
if he wants me

i try so hard
to see things the way i want them to be
not the way they are

i will not
go to you

i will not
drag myself backwards
or humiliate myself

if you ever want to talk to me
then grow a pair

because i am not going to throw myself at you
or anyone ever again

i don't hate you
but i will not
go out of my way
to see you

the color of insomnia. the color of losing too much weight. the color of bad *** and regrets. the color of never really healing. the color being alone.

the color of a white rabbit's eyes. the color of painted nails and his favorite shade of baby lips. the color of burnt skin and old scars. the color of the sky right before the sun sets and over-ripe strawberries. the color of childhood.

it's been months since i really thought about you
and even longer since i saw your face
i've seen you around, sure
but only the back of your head
for just a few seconds in the hall

today i saw you again
really saw you

and i wont lie
my heart skipped a little.

i wonder how long it will take for that to stop happening
i wonder if it ever will

busted up box t.v.
broken nose
bruised cheek
hop skip jump
under the bridge
down the street
there's a fairy tree
surrounded with dead bodies

its funny
now that we all hide our faces
(like they were ever real at all)
that everyone seems to care what we look like
when the real masks were inside
and they've been there the whole time

she said
you've been dreading
having to see me

which is reasonable
and mutual

so i'll stay out of your way
don't worry

i have a feeling
i'm gonna feel it
when it comes

i kind of realized
that i kind of hate you

not because of a broken heart
or some stupid teenage drama story

but because honestly,
all of my life i have been above that

you made me something i wasn't

and i kind of hate you for it

a while ago i wrote
about looking in the mirror
and not liking what i saw.

a while ago i believed
that i could only be
the things that everyone else saw in me
the woman she was.

but broken mirrors still reflect

every little sliver of glass still says, indefinitely,
"this is who you are"

so instead of breaking mirrors
i looked in them
and decided that if i didn't like what i saw,

well, i was just going to have to change it.

i don't have to fall in love

i'm happy

i don't need anyone to "love" me
in order to validate myself

i know that i am good
i am strong and beautiful and kind
i am complex and thoughtful and wise
i am a woman...

and i don't have to fall in love.

its okay
if it is

i don't need you anymore.

so love and be loved my friends!

i am glorious
i am golden
in my heart i am loved

you don't even hafta pretend
to like me

bring on your anger
bring it on!

because i am loved
by myself
and that is golden

taking things
truly
one step at a time

things have been rough
and you caught me at a bad time
but i might just be
better
now.

things are still hard
but the struggle fells worth it
now.

kicking cans
making plans
giving up
letting go

kicking and crying
screaming and trying
panicking in quicksand
sinking faster

let it go
let him go

its all you can do

you can't change a person
you can't make the world yours
all you can do is hear his words
and take them with you
just add another song to your playlist
and let him go

i hung up my mirror this morning
and i realized
it wasn't my face i saw

not a "pretty girl" anymore
but a woman
the same woman that my mother was
the woman my sisters would be
the woman that i regrettably am.

i saw a person that would no doubt
run from every one of her problems
abandon her life
over and over
until she had nothing left

i saw a face that i had seen in my dreams
in my nightmares
and in life all the same

i took the mirror back down
and broke it

she's someone new
but she isn't

a lifelong friend
making me feel
the fluttery wings
of little pink butterflies inside
small and soft
billowing silk
holding me up

sort of like the curtains
in my old bedroom
pink and flying
in the ocean wind

i don't think i love her
but i really could

my words are who i am
and somewhere along they line
i stopped writing who i was
i wrote for you to read
but i won't do that anymore
i wont let myself
be only for you
my words are who i am
and i am not yours anymore

i wish i could help you
because i know how it hurts
i wish i could save you
because ive been there before
but i cant if you cant let me
and i cant help wondering
if you pushing me away
means you need me gone
or if its a cry for me to hold you closer

i am not going to get any better
i have struggled with my problems for my entire life
and i will continue to for the rest of it
but i can be better for you
you can come back from this
you have a chance
please dont waste it.

coming from a person that felt how you feel
when she was six
let someone help you
let people in
or you will lose your chance
this is not something you can do alone


if anything i have ever said
meant anything you
then listen to this.
please
let someone love you
get better
if nothing else
do it for me

let someone love you