its amazing - how
helping others
helps us
feel better, see better, understand better
something that we wouldn't have otherwise.

nights like these
i miss you so much
i can’t even breathe.

five words.
thats all you said
to tear my heart
into a million shreds.

how fat can you get?
he says
as he scans my body
like I'm a possible threat

sometimes i wonder
how happy I would be
if i were just inches taller,
some pounds lighter,
and a little more prettier.

sometimes i wonder,
how different it would be
to be happy,
to be satisfied with myself.

sometimes i wonder,
how better it would be
if people just accepted
if people just respected
the naked being under.

I like to suffer in silence.
always have.
always will.

grades do not always reflect your full potential
and
yet
that's all they wanna see.

5:45 am.
promise me, you won't do anything stupid.
okay mom, i get it.
no smoking,
no drinking.
i have to get going. NOW.

8:00 am.
look what we got for us!, she says.
as we climb onto the bus
J.D and a pack of cigs.
nothing to hesitate about,
we're no longer kids!

11:00 am.
puff
i taste the filter- with care.
puff
heavy lumps on my throat as i fight to find some air.
puff
my tiny lungs bloat, still fighting for air.
puff
i resist.
imagining how much mom would be ******.

4:00 pm.
i'm almost on my fourth.
puff.
i let go.
puff.
let it get to me, slowly.
puff.
let it do its magic.
puff.
and let it **** me inside, slowly.

my first ever smoke.

3rd of July 2010
how I would love to live that day again.

you were there but so was he.
you were special but so was he.

"lets take a cab", he said.
"No, we'd rather walk instead."
they went and we walked
down the staircase of the mall,
your hands perfectly planted on my hips,
like they were always meant to be.

my heart skipped a beat with every step we took,
the whole thing felt like a Nicholas Sparks book.

then you said those three words,
i had been waiting for.
and you became a part of me.
and me a part of you.

now almost fours years later,
the thing between us has just grown greater.
and with every kiss and every hug,
you still make me fall more in *love.

my test results showed divergent.
but she told me not to talk about it,
at least not here, or anywhere. ever.
he told me i could not be found about. never.
but they did, they eventually did.
they injected me- with serums, different kinds of them.
and i became their ultimate little experiment gem.
one of a kind.
every stimulation- every serum injected, i denied.
i was useless.
but then he came - my love. my Four. my Tobias
to my rescue.
i promised. not to put myself into danger,
like as i always did.
but i could not let him die. Caleb. my brother. my blood.
i had to save them. all of them.
death serum.
i could. resist.
but before that- he picks up a fight -
wounded in his wheel chair. paralyzed.
but still manages to, that little twa -
stab.
pain.
i see bloo-
thick red blo-
mom? but you're dea-
it's okay sweety, she says.
where am i?
in a better place.
you gave up your life Tris- for them.
i died?
yes honey, you died, an *allegiant.