I have been long gone
I kept my memories
in a suitcase
preserved like fossils
in the museum of my room
but I will carry them with me
as I stumble on the
next thing
that falls in front of me

I have had mistakes
that tried to knock
on the walls of my mind
but it's about time
my brain learns
from practice
over and over
not to fall for their emotions
but to know how to cope with them

I have had moments
that tattooed smiles
on every neuron
creating memories
of moments
that I seek sanctuary in
whenever I find the need to

I have had the idea of change
marinating in me
almost forcing me to believe it
to live it, to breathe
then...

I have had you to look
into my eyes
sometime later
telling me to
"stop faking it
it's always
been you"

I'd like to tell you a story
It begins in 1492
When dear old Christopher Columbus
Sailed the ocean blue

He landed on what he thought
To be the country of India
He stumbled upon a group of people
Who appeared to be indigenous

Because these native people
Happened to be where he thought he was
He called them all "Indians"
&& somehow that name stuck

They welcomed his group with open arms
Even offered them their feast
Unaware that deep inside
They were but wolves, dressed as sheep

Columbus && his crew
Soon ravaged the land
They took what they saw
Then they took full command

Of the people they found
On the land where they landed
They felt they should rule
So they stepped in, heavy handed

They murdered the people
Who had taken them in
Set fire to their villages
While the victims watched with their kin

Flash forward to the future
It's now 2016
It's been over 500 years
Since the overtaking by the regime

Future settlers decided
To let the survivors live on
They designated them small areas
Of what had not yet been robbed

These Native Americans,
Generally keep to themselves
They get by living off their land
But now they need your help

The Sioux of Standing Rock
Are being horribly mistreated
The state of North Dakota
Is poisoning them without reason

A pipeline has been built
That runs through this Native territory
When Bismarck residents didn't want it
It was rerouted, how discriminatory

People from all over the country
Are seeming to agree
They are making the commute
To protest peacefully

In defense of an oppressed people
Who only want to live
But the government is stepping in
Even blowing off some limbs

"Let them die, they're not like us"
the message the administration is sending
It seems that after all this time
The battle is never-ending

What exactly does it take
For people to see eye-to-eye?
In the end we're all just human  
We kiss, we laugh, we cry

So if you have a heart at all
If you know that this is wrong
Please join the Sioux in their mission
By coming together, we can be strong

I am not a human anymore,
I am just a being
Going through the motions,
Conforming to society.
Emotionless and emotional
All at once
Confusing those around me
And myself.
I cannot connect with you
And I don’t want to try
Because I simply do not care
To waste time.
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I am
I am just living
And hoping to survive.
But if I don’t
The world will be just fine
Without me.

I watch as I fall,
Slowly down I go,
Into a place of no return.
No longer the same person,
That I used to be.
Once I was always happy,
A smile on my face,
Now I watch from afar,
As the world goes on without me.
The train has left,
But I am still here.
I have taken a long journey,
But got lost on the way,
And nobody can be found,
To help me back home.
The memories of yesterday,
Are forever gone,
And I am left,
With no one.

They tell me I look tired,
To get some rest,
But they don’t understand
The way my thoughts race
While I’m trying to sleep
Keeping me up all night.

They make jokes that sting
And ask why I’m so uptight,
But they don’t understand
That I fear everything
And the worrying doesn’t stop
But it’s out of my control.

They mock me
And my fake laugh,
But they don’t understand
That sometimes I’m so down
And my thoughts are so scary
That I use it to hide the pain
Because showing it
Would make them run.

They tell me that I’m too hyper
That I’m an annoyance
And I need to calm down,
But they don’t understand
That sometimes I reach highs
That I can’t control
But they’re easier to witness
Than the terrifying lows.

They say I need to worry less
And tell me to just relax,
But they don’t understand
That if it was that easy
I would be the calmest person
In the world
Because that is all I want.

They tell me my illness isn’t real
That it’s all in my head,
But they don’t understand
That mental illness
Is just as uncontrollable
And painfully fatal
As cancer.

They say I’m crazy
That I’m ****** up and weird,
But they don’t understand
What goes on in my head
And how much it hurts
To be misunderstood.

Thoughts circle
Never stopping
Racing to remember
Hoping to forget.

There’s no shutting off
Control center broken
Silence is death
Fear is pain.

The worry explodes
Crumbled on the floor
Guns fire
Water flows.

Is God around us
Is he external
Can he feel for me when he is outside of me?
That answers it.
No He is not around us?
No He is not an outsider
He is within us.
Deep inside us
One with us.

Because when we close our eyes
And shut out the world
When we shut out the din
And hear that inner voice
It is HIM
It is home coming.

I can’t repress these feelings

Inside of my head

They’re loud

They’re fast

They’ll lead to my death.

I can’t repress

But I can’t let them out.

I’m silently shouting

And you’ll never find out

I’m slowly dying

Killing myself

From these repressed feelings

Inside my head.