Loving you
Was the most toxic thing I've ever done
And the most ****** up part of all
Is that I'll probably do it all over again.

Escape with words and ink, darling
Let your tears smudge your words
So they become as blurry as your thoughts.

Let me use his love to spark the fire that you once had scorching in my heart.

Now I know what true heartache feels like
Watching someone you love talk about someone else.
Today I experienced a different type of pain
A pain that made me fight back tears
And when I closed the door behind me
They fell to the floor.

Drip, drip, drip.

Who needs drugs and alcohol to get ******
Love can do that for you.

It's easy to catch feelings for someone, however
Because I am close to doing the same
I just need to find him.
And then hopefully my hurt and pain for you
Will transform into love for someone else.

Your words are like drugs and I am addicted.
It scares me how quickly you can lure me in and how blind I become.
I know you are all wrong for me yet I keep wanting you.
I crave your presence and your words you speak, those words that make me feel like I'm high.
I have never understood how an addict can stay an addict, how any human could purposely do something that you know is harmful to themselves and not just walk away.
But boy, you make it easy to relate.
I am so afraid of hurting my heart. And I cannot believe myself that I still let you. I guard my heart, with concrete walls that are indestructible to some, but yet when I see you they just shatter and my walls have broken again.
I need to escape this or else I'll die of an overdose of you.

I wonder when these feelings will fade.

Because in the end,
we all just want to love & be loved.

I have slowly but surely fallen in love with poetry.

I love the truth of the raw, cutting words that I can write.
I love the ability of using words to bleed, to express, to encapsulate a moment.
I love the feeling of release, relief and self-happiness that it brings me.
I love the peace of mind.
Poetry soothes my soul, allows me to breathe, allows my mind to wander for a brief period of time.
It allows me to think, to be more than myself, to say exactly how I feel and  not feel embarrassed or ashamed.
I love the voices in my head when I think deeply. I love the way my hand moves effortlessly because the words come so quickly.
I love reading poetry. It truly fascinates me, the way another's mind works and thinks. It captivates me when I can feel their emotions through their words.

I find myself when I write poems. I can paint my mind in writing, and create masterpieces.
I can see life a little clearer and a little brighter.

Fall in love with words.
Fall in love with poetry.

What do I want out of life?
Where will I be in ten years time?
How am I supposed to follow my passion if I haven't discovered mine yet?*

Readers, it's okay to be lost. It's okay to walk straight into the unknown. It's okay to be dangerously spontaneous, because hey, what's life without a little fun?
Embrace the beauty of uncertainty. Trust in yourself. Trust in God.

I want to live more than an average life, and I hope you do too.

Trust life's timing.
If it was meant to be, it will be.

To anyone reading these words:
You are enough.
You are worth it.
You are brave.

*I am so proud of you, and you should be too.

I have started to fall in love with dreaming, because every night there is a chance I get to see you. There is a chance I get to talk to you, for you to hold me, and they are all such happy dreams.

I feel things when I dream. I feel so impossibly happy when I'm with you. My heart beats faster in my dreams when you tell me that you miss me. It is so close to reality, it is honestly so scary how vivid it is.

I think the worst part is when I wake up. I wake up and this feeling of incredible pain overwhelms me. I look at the time and see if I can quickly fall back to my dreams again so I can see you one last time. But when it's time for me to wake up, I rise with a heart heavier than stone.

It's okay to miss them.
But what we must remember is that we can continue life without them, and that God only intended to have that person in our lives for a specific period of time.
Some people are here to stay, others are passing through.
We can't keep holding on to people who are not meant to be held on to.

It's a time for a new chapter.
Turn over a new page.

I can now safely say that I am over you.
Yes, I still think, worry and care about you.
But I definitely will not love you ever again.

I am new.
I have goals, and I'll work harder than ever before to achieve them.
I'm putting myself first, and am working on me.

Here's a comforting thought when facing troubles in your life: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
People all around the world have been through something similar. And if they can get through it, so can you.
Be grateful. It could be worse.

Don't be sad about something you can't change.
You'll look back and wonder how you wasted all that precious time being anything but happy.

"Do you have someone you think about constantly, someone you just can't get out of your head?"
"No."
"You are free from your own thoughts. I envy you. I wish my mind was as peaceful as yours. I wish mine was as peaceful as it used to be. Because all I see before I close my eyes before I sleep is him. And all I want to see when I open them in the morning is him. And how it hurts, it ******* hurts to know that it will never happen."
"Why do you still torment yourself over him?"
"Because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go."

Stop and take a moment
Look around you and simply
Appreciate
All the good things in your life.

Saturday, 18/04/2015
How it all started.

This is how our story began.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. ****, it feels like yesterday. I always felt this sense of comfort, this great feeling of openness when talking to you. I found comfort in hearing your voice. It was like you were with me that night, lying next to me. It was like I could feel you holding me.
You were the first person I ever truly told my feelings to. For some reason that I will never know, I have always been one to guard my emotions. I do it simply because I cannot bear getting hurt or judged. People often misunderstand me and think I do not feel deeply because I don't like to express with words. Trust me, I feel deep. I don't overthink, but what I feel physically impacts me. It affects me in ways it won't usually affect others. It affects me deep down in my very gut.
Telling you how I really felt was not only a big thing for me, but it was something that I had been so scared to do. But you made it... easy. Effortless. The words slipped out of my mouth with a smile on my face, and when I heard you say it back, I melted.
I was exhausted, but my heart was racing. I felt such a great feeling of euphoria, it was really and truly crazy. I lay in bed feeling like I had won a marathon, climbed a mountain, surfed a great wave. Just because I knew, at that very moment, that I had you.
Each hour flew by. I couldn't believe how late it was getting but I just didn't want to stop hearing your voice. There were times where I actually drifted in and out of sleep because I just felt so... content, that you were still there on the other line. That when I whispered your name you would always respond.
Saying goodnight to you was a long procedure because none of us wanted to hang up. I hated the thought of not hearing you, even if it was the complete silence of you sleeping. Because at least you would still be there. It happened eventually though, and I lay awake afterward just thinking of the future and endless possibilities between us. I could not comprehend how everyone's predictions was about to take place. I couldn't understand how it had finally happened.
I will never forget that night. It was, so far, one of the best night's of my life. To find out that someone you had liked, someone you always had your eye on, cared about, thought of constantly, actually returned the favour... Nothing is better.
It is such a good memory, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else but you.

So that is how our story began. Our little love story.

And then, like all love stories,
It ended.

I've realized that happiness is nothing more than a decision you make.
You control it. You should let nothing else control it besides your own beautiful mind.

34 days
And I still go to sleep thinking about you.

34 days
And I still wake up thinking about you.

34 days
And I still can't seem to shake the memory of you away.

I still dream of you.
How ******* frustrating! I can't escape you! You're in my thoughts constantly throughout the day, and you haunt me in my sleep.
I dream of you, of us still together and it kills me because it just seems so real.
You probably don't even think of me as much as I think of you. You don't even want to know how much I actually think of you. I still worry about you constantly, I still care about you, and it breaks me.
It breaks me.
It breaks me because I have to pretend I don't care. It breaks me because I have to pretend that I'm fine.
You were the first person who I loved. The first person who held me, who loved me. I can't let go of you that easily.
I just need to escape you and I don't know how.

Emptiness is a feeling, too.

You're still in my thoughts every day
I wonder when I'll finally escape you.

My girl
One day, someone will treat you like gold.
Like you are a prized treasure
One in a million
Irreplaceable

My girl
One day, someone will treat you right.
The way you deserve to be treated
Because you are art
You are unique and
One day
Someone will love you exactly the way you need to be loved.

I just don't want to hurt you again.
That's the only thing that's stopping me from telling you that I want you.
The fact that I can't bear to do the same mistake not once, twice, but three times.
Hurting you was the one thing I promised myself I would never do. Hurting you killed me in many ways you don't even want to know. I not only broke you, but I broke myself, too.

I remember you telling me that if I ever changed my mind, you were a phone call away.
I pick up my phone every day and contemplate if I should just call you and tell you how much I miss you, that I miss how we were, that I want you back and would do anything to have "us" again.
But for some reason
I just
Can't.

Don't put him through that hurt again
Don't play with his heart
Don't **** with his feelings
Get it together
You did this
*Deal with it

The smallest of things
Can trigger it off
Pierce a hole through my heart.

When I hear your name
When I see you smile
When you hold her and not me
When you laugh at her jokes and not mine

Stop making me bleed little by little.
Stop giving me pain in small doses
Just pull the **** trigger and be done with it.

They say our dreams come from our subconscious mind, it is our thoughts deep from within ourselves searching for a way to come out.
Last night I dreamt about you.
I dreamt we were still together, cuddling in your room, holding hands. I dreamt we still loved each other. I dreamt you were still mine. I dreamt that we were both so happy, so impossibly happy. I remember laughing with you, smiling with you.
I remember the feeling of you holding me, kissing me, and **** it just felt so real. For a moment I believed it was real.

And then I opened my eyes and Reality smacked me in the face, and it hurt harder than it should.
"Silly little girl," Reality said. "Memories are memories, and dreams are dreams. Dreams are not reality, no matter how badly we want them to be. Don't be stupid."

I miss looking into your eyes and thinking about what you are thinking. I miss how the colour made me feel loved and protected. I miss the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled my favourite smile.

I miss the way my heart beat faster every time I heard the sound of your bike because I knew you were always near me in about 3...2...1 seconds. I miss the way my security called me and told me you were here and I would usually have a panic attack because I was so unbelievably excited to see you.

I miss the way you used to hold me, around my waist, hold my hand, and hug me. I miss the way I used to smile against your chest when you hugged me.

I just miss the good times we had together. The times where I thought to myself, "**** could this day get any better?" I used to whisper that before I went to bed with a smile on my face that only you could cause.

I just miss you. I miss loving you. I miss all of you.
It's sad that it's over. It's sad that it's just memories.
Thank you for them. I'll treasure them in my heart forever.

Do I miss you?
Of course I do. I don't doubt for a moment that what we had was real, and I don't doubt for a moment that I was falling in love with you.

Do I want you back?
Of course not. Our souls shared a timely encounter but now it is time for both of us to move on. Even if we parted on bad terms, I have accepted that. It's human nature to remember the bad and not the good. But I still remember the good about you, no matter how much hurt, betrayal, pain and sadness you have caused me.

Do I still care about you?
Without a doubt. It's a funny thing about me - I'll ignore you, and it may even seem like I hate you. But I still don't want anyone else to hurt you and I still truly want you to be happy. No human deserves unhappiness, and especially not you.

The future is bright. I can start to see the sun through the clouds.
I don't want my past to make me bitter. I want it to make me better.
I want to learn from my mistakes and make sure I never repeat them twice.
I know I can be happy without you. And I have never felt at peace like this before because I know God is with me.

I am going to set myself free from you. I am going to let you go.
You are no longer a part of my life. You are no longer a friend, a lover, a protector.
You are a stranger to me.
It is difficult to pretend not to care anymore. But I am going to try nevertheless.
I am my own person. I make mistakes and I learn every day. Now I am on my own journey and I will do things that make me happy. If I was happy before you were in my life, I can be happy now that you're gone.
I have learnt that this was bound to happen sooner or later, and rather sooner than later because we would have both dug each other's graves and buried each other in the end.
I have learnt that God has something in plan for me. And you were not included in that plan. He has something better. The best is yet to come.

I am free.
I have let you go.
And I will be happy.

I am made entirely of flaws stitched with good intentions. Not once did I say I was perfect, not once did I act so. I try to be happy, I try to make others happy. I only want the best for you and I wish you well on your journey without me.

"I thought you would be the one who would have stayed." - He Thinks.

Dear boy, did you honestly expect me to stay when you gave me 1000 reasons to leave? People do not stay in your life if you constantly show through your actions and your words that you do not want them there. Sooner or later, that person will get the message and they will be gone. They will find someone better, someone who appreciates their flaws and does not see them as what they are: flaws. They will see it as a blessing.

You'll regret it. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But you will regret it, that I can guarantee you.

I have realised that I actually feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that you constantly need someone in your life to be happy. I can't imagine how painful it must be to not be able to just be happy on your own, to not rely on a certain circumstance or person, to just feel the emotion unexpectedly and on your own accord.
I feel sorry for you because you are trying to find a way to deal with your own insecurities when meanwhile you are just causing problems for others rather than dealing with them on your own.
I feel sorry for you because you could be such a nice person. Instead you choose to be someone I know you are not deep down; you do it out of anger, spite, hurt. And for what? To get a temporary feeling of satisfaction to try build up your own dwindling self-confidence? To try hurt me as much as I hurt you? All I want is for you to be happy.
And I mean happy on your own. Being happy independently and not needing anyone else to make you feel it otherwise is the best kind of happiness, because it comes from within.
That's all I want from you. And maybe you won't realise this in the beginning, but you will in time.
And that's when you'll realise that you not only lost the person that possibly cared about you the most, but that you'll never get her again.

You are probably the biggest hypocrite I have ever met.
I have had nothing but your best interests at heart. It's sad to know that you don't return the favour, but that's okay.

I'll prove to you how much I don't need you.

One day I'll find someone who makes me feel all the right feelings. I'm talking about feeling in love, because I truly believe I have not experienced true love yet.
One day I'll wake up with a genuine smile on my face because the thought of you makes me completely and utterly paralysed with happiness.
One day I'll kiss someone with a passion that will leave your soul on fire, and in that one perfect moment time will be frozen.

God has a plan for you.
You just have to have patience and believe.

You're right
Friendship is not always enough.
Today someone held my hand, and it did not feel like my hand belonged with his. I pulled away immediately because it felt wrong, disconnected, shallow, foreign.
Like puzzle pieces, our hands fit. Or used to.

I can already feel myself healing, growing, getting happier. It doesn't hurt so much when I see you because I know you are still in my life - for now.

Gone are the days when I knew you were mine forever.
But at least you are with me.

For now.

I hope we can pick up the pieces
And heal together, grow stronger together.
I miss your friendship more than anything in the world.
We can build it together again. We can try pick up where we left off.
But that will require space and time.

Like many others have told me
Time heals all wounds.

Nothing lasts forever.
Everything in this world is temporary.

We are living proof of this.

It breaks my heart to see you. I miss you so ******* much, and I can't accept the fact that I've lost you.
How sad, that in a space of a few days, we can go from being lovers to strangers.