I may not have set the world on fire,
But neither have I gone down in flames!
Within me remains a burning desire
To achieve every one of my aims.

Remember...
When comic books were the real big thing
and kids everywhere waited eagerly
every week excited to start reading
the latest Beano or Dandy
Remember…
Enjoying Dennis the Menace and Gnasher,
Minnie the Minx and the Bash Street Kids,
Roger the Dodger, Scrapper and Basher,
Beryl the Peril and Billy Whizz.
Remember…
Thinking Bully Beef and Chips were so great;
the awful things that Bully would do!
Not forgetting Desperate Dan and Keyhole Kate
who were always fantastic too.
Remember…
When we used to read the Sparky or the Topper
or the Buster or even the Beezer
without of course forgetting the Victor
or Roy of the Rovers either.
Remember…
When they had the Bunty for girls too,
the Mandy and Judy as well,
which many boys would read it is true;
though all promised never to tell!
Remember…
Waiting patiently each year for Santa to bring
the Annual edition of your favourite one,
spending hours on Christmas Day just reading;
and reading was the best thing under the sun!
Remember…
When everyone joined their local libraries
soon after schooldays had begun
When you were sure to find a book to please
and reading was so much fun.
Remember…
When books transported us to another world,
each new book a revelation,
instilling in us a love of the written word;
really fuelling our imagination!
Remember…
How much enjoyment you got from reading
and what little effort it really took,
how the pressures of life soon began receding
when you immersed yourself in a book.
Remember…
To try and make time to read a good book,
to take time out every now and then,
and you never know, with a bit of luck;
You might fall in love with reading again.

I have noticed that during any argument
A woman’s language is completely different
What is said is not always what is meant
You should ignore this to your detriment!
If during a discussion she lets out a long sigh
You should know better than to even try
Looking for an explanation as to why
Unless of course you really want to die

The sigh should indicate she is quite exasperated,
does not appreciate you being quite so opinionated
That you could be so stupid is making her frustrated
and if you carry on this way you are going to be berated.
The sigh may also indicate she does not want to argue
That she could not be bothered fighting with you
Stopping right there would be the best thing to do
But most men keep on digging because they have not got a clue

The alarm bells should start to ring
If she should say “IT IS NOTHING”!
Know that it is indeed something
And not just any little thing!
You would be wise never to forget
though she may insist “I AM NOT UPSET”
She is actually seething, you can bet
and you will be paying for this for a long time yet.

You should know you have crossed the line,
You need to know that she is lyin’
If she tells you that she is “FINE”!
Because you have just stepped on a landmine!
Please be warned that she just may
Simply tell you that “IT’S OK”
This only means you are going to pay
For the error of your ways someday!

You would be completely off your head,
You would probably need to be brain dead
To take her literally if she said:
“THAT IS FINE, GO AHEAD”
Do not be fooled into thinking it is true
When she tells you “IT IS UP TO YOU”
She is just daring you to follow through
knowing she objects, it’s the worst thing you could do!

And if she should say “THANKS A LOT”
Do not think you have hit the Jackpot
Because you most certainly have not
You will pay for this, not a little but a lot!
If she should say “THAT IS JUST FANTASTIC”!
Do not start thinking you are right or anything so drastic
She is actually telling you that you make her sick
She may feel she is losing and is only being sarcastic.

The last word you want to hear is “WHATEVER”
Do not start thinking that you are oh so clever
It means she will remember this argument forever
And feel free to throw it back in your face, whenever
Do not feel you have won if she tells you “YOU ARE RIGHT”
It is extremely unlikely but you never know, she might
She is only telling you that she is fed up of this fight
But rest assured you will pay for this, for many a night.

If she is desperate she may just turn on the tears
A tactic employed by the fairer *** for years
very successfully too, because it appears
this is one of each and every mans greatest fears.
If she gives you the Silent Treatment, just let it be
Buying chocolates and flowers only tells her you feel guilty
You are admitting that you’re wrong is all that she will see
And that is the way things will continue for all eternity.

So you cannot say that you have not been warned
that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Though we come from different planets from one another
It seems we cannot live with, or without, each other
And it’s healthy to argue when alls said and done
When making up afterwards can be such great fun.
Despite our differences we should all thank the man above
For the fact that we’re loved and have someone to love.

You died, By Suicide
And I cried,
and cried and cried.
Inside, Part of me died
Cos you lied,
and lied and lied.
You’re gone, and I’m the one
To suffer on,
and on and on.
Why, Why? You had to lie?
Chose to die?
Oh why Oh why?
You knew, I loved you
So why you?
Why you? Why you?
I try to understand why
But I cry,
and cry and cry.
Heart break, a pain that makes
My soul ache,
and ache and ache.
You knew, what I’d go through
You had to!
**** you! **** you!
Sorry, but you hurt me
Needlessly,
badly, sadly.
Guilty and so angry
You left me
lonely, empty.
Someday, the hurt just may
Go away,
I pray and pray.
Love you, will always do
Forgive you?
That’s hard to do!

At long last I am legally separated
I have been officially liberated
While I wish only the best for my ex wife
I am determined to be single the rest of my life
A wonderful feeling sweeps over me
With the realisation that I am now free
But why do I feel just a little bit scared?
Maybe I am not ready, just not prepared

Now the lads were great, said it would be fun being single
They took me out so many nights, encouraged me to mingle
But it was a different world, something I had ever known
How did I answer a girl who asked if I “was in the Zone”
They laughed in my face when I asked “Would you like to dance”?
I was so far out of date sure I did not stand a chance
I had no pick up lines, what was this “banter” about
In the end I made up excuses not to go out

It's been six months now, worse than I thought
I cannot find the happiness I have constantly sought
And if there is one thing I have grown to hate
It's friends surprising me with yet another blind date!
To be honest I did not have a hope
I am not good with women, I just cannot cope
Though I have seen some ladies I would have liked to ask out
My nerves go to hell and I chicken out!

I have to admit I do not like being alone
But I would rather try sorting it out on my own
And though I know that my friends only mean well
Some of their blind dates were straight from hell!
Many of them I was pleased to send on their way
Just hoping the dog warden was not working that day
I will not use the word ugly, it is quite unkind
But now I know why they say “Love is blind”!

So I tried out the “Singles Club” scene
But got more depressed than I have ever been
There was so much pretence; the whole thing was a sham
I have never seen so much mutton dressed as lamb!
So I decided to give the dating agencies a try
And only found out how much people lie!
Then I thought I would have a go at Internet dating
But my lack of computer skills made it too frustrating
So I thought I might purchase a mail order bride
And I must admit the few I tried
Would have been happy to marry me, Yet;
I could not do it, they seemed so desperate!

I wondered what I was stressing myself out for
And resigned myself to the life of a bachelor
though when I'd see couples holding hands and kissing
I began to think that there was something I was missing
But then I met a woman one day on the bus
And something clicked between the two of us
We have being going out now for almost a year
And I am sure that is wedding bells I hear!!

Winter and Spring have long since passed,
cold wind, rain and frost belong in the past,
darkness thankfully no longer descends as fast,
long hot summer days arrive at long last!
Colourful flowers and plants, trees and shrubs
burst forth from hanging baskets, gardens and tubs
outside homes and shops, hotels and pubs;
brightening roadsides, roundabouts, parks and golf clubs.
Exams are over and school is finally done,
children everywhere mad to get out in the sun,
playing outside all day, having such great fun,
warm summer days being enjoyed by almost everyone.
People everywhere outside busy doing something;
weeding, mowing, watering, general gardening;
cleaning cars, washing windows, mending or painting,
or simply sitting out with the neighbours, gossiping!
Time for sunglasses, sun cream, getting a tan,
Wimbeldon, music festivals, holidays to plan,
ice lollies, ninety nines from the ice cream van,
water shortages of course and the annual hose pipe ban!
Time for day trips, sports, to picnic or sunbathe,
for the park or the beach, to swim or just wade,
to get burnt to a crisp or just relax in the shade,
for beer gardens, barbeques as the sun starts to fade!
People making the most of each sunny summer day,
determined to enjoy the sun, lap up every last ray,
each enjoying the summer in their own particular way,
“Long may it last”, people around the country pray!
For not getting a summer seems to be our worst fear,
but thankfully the summer seems to be finally here.
All around the country there is a party atmosphere
such a shame it cannot be like this all through the year!

It happens on buses, in restaurants, or on trains,
On my work break, in waiting rooms, or on aeroplanes
It even happens on holidays and on nights out too
It drives me absolutely mental but what can I do?

I always get stuck with the one person, (I never seem to fail)
Who feels the need to tell their life story, (in all its gory detail)
Is it something about me, or is it just downright bad luck?
What makes people like these think I could give one f..k?

I try my best not to engage, but I do not like to be rude
Though I want to say Shut Up! I’m just not in the mood!
They start to talk, I disengage, it’s a real battle of wills
But they carry on regardless, have they no social skills?  

I try to make it obvious I’m not the type who gives a sh.t”,
that I am not someone who cares, even just a little bit
But they miss all the signals, that much is obvious
As they carry on regardless, completely oblivious!  
  
Now we all have our problems but we do not feel the need to share
So what makes these people think a complete stranger will care
Is offloading to strangers for them some kind of great panacea?
Or do these people just suffer from acute verbal diarrhoea?

As they prattle on I nod, make all the appropriate noises
If there was a competition for talkers these people would win prizes
While amazed by the fact these people never seem to draw breath
I fight an ever growing desire to simply beat them to death

Some things you don’t discuss with strangers, should it require explanation?
But nothing seems sacred, no such thing as “too much information”
These people tell me intimate details about themselves and their lives
Stuff you and I would hesitate to tell parents, siblings or wives

They seem to think I am their counsellor, some kind of therapist
When God was giving out social skills, they were obviously missed
They have absolutely no boundaries, have never heard of discretion
I pity the poor priest who has to listen to their confession!

And women are the worst, lest there be any doubt
You would not believe the personal stuff they tell me about
They get very inappropriate, though I do the best I can
To remind them of the fact they are talking to a man!

Some of these people have meltdowns, lose the plot altogether
And a little part of me just wants to say “Whatever!”
But I look in their eyes, where I often see tears glistening
And despite all my best efforts, I always end up listening

Those I meet just once on trips, well they are bad enough
But those in my social circle think I am their new BFF
Even though when I bump into them I could not be much colder
It is never long before they start crying on my shoulder

And soon they’re sending friend requests to me on Facebook
And following me on Twitter, God they’re everywhere I look
No matter how I try I cannot seem to shake them loose
So now I am seriously considering becoming a recluse

While these people are annoying, I have to say I’m worse
Because I really start to care, what an awful ****** curse
When I should just tell these people to please leave me alone
I start to listen to their issues, so I cannot really moan!

We should have more time for those in need; that is my belief
and my listening to these people seemed to give them some relief
but while these people seemed much better, having got things off their chest
I am bothered by all their issues and find I am constantly stressed

So if you meet me now I might seem very unsociable altogether
But my experiences with these people have pushed me to the end of my tether
And so I have taken my mothers advice, (she obviously knew the dangers)
For she always warned me as a child; “Never talk to strangers!”