I fell in love with a girl
again, at a bar
My friend said she was Czech
Hard to say
I didn't ask for her passport,
and she had nowhere to carry one
She smiled when she glanced my way
eyes glazed, speaking my language
The Czech girl, making love to a pole.

r ~ 8/9/14

time -
such care in counting
the essence of

measured twice
- cut once
if wisely

a hole in a rock -
an atomic clock
ticking tocks

aligned in space
light years and dog years
- lines on a face

a living will -
a fleeting baby's smell

- shadows weighed
at the end of the day

darkening sky
drawing nigh -
palms high

- it is time.

r ~ 11/4/14

As I write this from up above a couple hundred feet,
Overlooking this beautiful and bustling city
-- which I had only known lesser than twenty-four hours --
I cannot help but heave out a sigh of contentment.

***** even though we're hundreds of miles away from home,
This city has not ceased its glaring warmth.
Maybe it's the environment, maybe it's the people
Maybe it comes down to being just blessed.

Trying to breathe,
But finding no air,
So learning to live without it.
Trying to see,
But eyes stinging,
So learning to move without light.
Trying to hear,
But sound muffled,
So learning to cope with silence.
Trying to touch,
But all out of reach,
So learning to keep to myself.
Trying to smile,
But I can't raise my cheeks,
So learning to avoid happiness.

Then I try something new,
And suddenly,
I can breathe the damp air of autumn,
I can see your hair, your eyes, your smile,
I can hear your voice, singing a perfect melody,
I can feel your hand in mine, your head on my shoulder,
And you teach me how to smile again.
Out of my comfort zone,
Relearning everything,
That's how I want my life to be from now on.

*Keep teaching me.

Hear your voice in every note,
Feel your breath in every phrase,
As my fingers dance on the keys,
It's you I want to amaze.

But you are not here.

See your smile on every stave,
Sense your hands embracing mine,
An unresolved suspension,
Betrays what's on my mind:

You are not here

But then, in the reflection of that ebony grand,
I glimpse a moving figure,
I see your eyes looking back at me,
My music fades to a whisper.

You are here.

I turn to face you and you take my hands,
You place them gently back on the keys,
"Keep playing," You tell me,
"Let me hear more, please."

I take a breath,
"Now you are here, I could play you my soul."

I'm sitting here
face solemn
waiting for just one person
to question why
and suddenly
I know
they can't see
they can't hear
they are living for themselves

I get up
gaze locked to the floor
now I just have to wait
till everything shatters and the floor
escapes my feet
I don't question it
and they won't see

I'm halfway out
they still don't hear my moans late at night
I wonder if there even real
my only question for them
is what will happen when I'm gone

I can feel the rough surface of your goodbyes
Little monsters who bite at my flesh
They scar me and cut me and snag the little parts of me you loosened and I nearly let come undone
But at least I get to keep a little reminder of you
Even if it is a wound
A little something left of you to cling to
I can taste the bitterness of your unsweetened words
Their sour expressions like acid on my tongue
As they collide with mine, yours spilling from your lips, mine from mine,
and though you said you wished it and dreamed it, our lips, they never touched
Words words born of ink or vocal chords
Both vicious weapons and a divine form of healing
I can hear your silence
It whispers softly to me
It’s cold and sounds like the quiet night air when you are alone
And make a wish on a star even though you don’t believe for a second it could come true
I inhale the scent of your regrets
They haunt you and plague you like disease, ghosts and demons they stalk you in various states or consciousness
And their drifting aroma reminds me of the final day of autumn before the very first snowfall
I can see your mean streak
It cackles maliciously
Your shards of cruelty
They are silver and glint in the candlelight like blades
There is one intangible thing of yours that I can perceive in you that I really wish I couldn’t
I can’t taste it, or feel it by touch, sight, scent or sound.
It is not quite an idea
Nor a thought
Nor a concept or a fleeting feeling or emotion
But whatever it is It is swirling around your aura
Rising from your mind like steam from the fragile surface of a cup of Irish tea
And it stings so badly
Because whatever it is
I can sense it somehow with my soul
I can sense you not Missing me.
Not one little bit.

When I am lost, I fly away.
When I am lost, I escape.
When I am lost I stay lost,
I treasure a moment so rare, so precious.
I run away with it, yearning for relief, a place with no boundaries.
A place where anything is possible.
In that moment, all is clear.

When I sweep through the air, no rules hold me back.
When I twist and turn in endless dance, all pain is forgotten.
When I burst through empty skies, there is no reason to worry.

I lose myself,
my heart and mind and soul,
lost in winds that swirl around me.
No troubles weigh me down as I soar,
higher, further, reaching, grasping for hope.
A hope that stays with me, after my flight is ended.

A warm uplift, I climb yet further, yearning for love.
Love that stays with me, for as long as I live.

A strong tailwind, I push on, travelling faster, accelerating, chasing after strength.
Strength that holds me up, pushing against the weight of fear.

The wind drops, I glide, spiralling downward, gliding, surrounded by peace.
Peace that no one else will ever know, but that dominates my heart.

*When I am lost, I am free.

Eyes that never saw light,
Hands that never held another's,
Feet that never ran,
Mouth that never cried,
Lungs that never breathed morning air,
Heart that never beat for another's,
Ears that never heard,
Tongue that never tasted,
Hair never soaked in autumn rain,
Lips that never kissed another's,
Arms that never hugged,
Name that was never called.

All these parts make up her,
But I can't piece them together,
Without first detaching myself,
From an unnamed child.

I'm screaming
I'm wailing
I'm crying
But you don't hear
I'm begging
I'm sobbing
I'm dying
But you don't hear

You're laughing
You're making fun
You're sneering
Of course I hear
You're shoving
You're tugging
You're jeering
Of course I hear

So deaf are you,
So much I hear
How much has changed
In just one year?

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
The clock goes on
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
I'm still alone
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
In this world of mine
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
No light
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
No dark
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Just the sound
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Of the clock
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
And the feel
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Of my sheets
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
The hospital mattress
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
The bandage on my eyes
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
The sickly smell
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Of medicine and pain

The wind is cold
But I don't feel anything
The air is thin
But I don't feel anything
The cars are loud
But I don't feel anything
The sirens sound
But I don't feel anything
They shout at me
But I don't feel anything
I don't hear the words
Because I don't feel anything
Then
I'm
Falling
Suddenly
I feel
For the first time
In a long time
I feel
The air rushing past my face
The sheer exhilaration
The gripping fear
I love it
Then
I hit the ground
But I don't feel anything