Forever was just
an excuse
to be
close to you.

does that kind of love exist anymore? that kind where two people and their souls become one, that kind where you don’t have eyes for anyone else, eyes that don’t wonder, where the connection and love is so strong that an eternity together isn’t enough to express the feelings you have for someone so perfect, i crave that kind of love

Sometimes you just miss her, don’t you?
not the way you normally miss someone,
No.

But in the way that the sky misses the sun,
when she leaves for the night.
when all light is gone,
and all that’s left is darkness once again.

She fell into your arms, didn’t she?
like water down the drain,
she washed away the mess and left greatness,
clear as day.

So, you held on to her, didn’t you?
like a father does a son,
but conflict rose, and thorns grew,
stealing away the petals,
as they fell to the ground.

You couldn’t hold onto her, could you?
not in the way a blacksmith can’t hold a flame,
but in the way the stars can’t hold onto the night,
coz someday, she will come back again.

Maybe a month ago.
I would have thought about you.
& hoped all was well.
Well enough for me.
To be able to check in.
To a small motel.
That you hold close to your heart.
Which resides on the outskirts of your sleeve.
I mean after all.
We both know I can be classified as one.
An outsider that is.
Because its been much longer than a month.
Since I've been a nearby presence.
Or even a neighboring smile.
But more of a far-off memory.
That has been followed by absence.
& if it's anything like they say.
Absence somehow has a way.
Of making the heart grow fonder.
But that was a month ago.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe yesterday.
I would have thought about you.
& found myself.
On the verge of saying hello.
Asking if everything was everything.
From school being school.
But it's something you love.
From your family being your family.
& they are everything you live for.
From work being work.
With it being something to just get you by.
Leaving love to be love.
Where you aren't looking.
But if it were to happen.
You wouldn't mind.
& I wouldn't mind that for you.
Because after everything.
That you've dealt with because of me.
& vice versa.
We both deserve that one day.
Just not from each other.
But that was yesterday.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe tomorrow.
I will think about you.
& pray you think enough about me.
To send me a quick text.
Or a small email.
Where you tell me.
All the things.
I've thought of telling you.
Where you ask.
All the questions.
I find myself being to hesitate.
To ask you.
But there is nothing hesitate about you.
Your words are simple.
Your tone seems to be complex.
& I find that you are asking me a favor.
That I know I will have to commit.
No response.
No reaching out.
Just giving you time.
To think for yourself.
& find all the pieces that have become ajar.
But that is tomorrow.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a few years from now.
I will think about you.
& time will have healed.
Just like.
All the voices I hear around me.
Said it would.
& from there.
I can meet you for coffee.
Or maybe even tea.
Where we can show each other pictures.
Of the babies we went half on.
Without you or I.
Being the other half we thought we'd be.
You named your boy Hayden.
While I named my girl Riley.
Knowing those were the names.
We picked for ours.
But we aren't bothered.
Because we are happy.
We are loved.
We are where we are meant to be.
But that is a few years from now.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a month ago, I would’ve hoped.
Maybe yesterday, I would’ve said hello.
Maybe tomorrow, I will pray.
Maybe a few years from now, I will heal.
But today is today.
& you are under the same roof as me.
About thirty feet away.
Where you know I'm here as well.
So you wait until I'm watching.
To smile & laugh.
Make jokes & take phone calls.
& pretend you are just amazing.
Now that I'm not there.
Which makes me show no emotion.
Tell everyone I don't care.
Because if I say it long enough.
I'm bound to eventually believe it.
But what I do believe.
Is that today is a vicious cycle.
With no maybes.
..& nothing about it is hypothetical.

i don’t like what i see in the mirror
because i am nothing more than an ugly mess.

tired eyes
flabby tummy and big thighs
self harm scars
and layers of skins enough to hide my confidence.

i don’t like my reflection.
i don’t like them at all.

i was told that i was perfect the way i am
but then they would tell me
“maybe if you lose weight a little bit more
you could get rid of that chubby cheeks and double chin”.

so i skipped breakfast,
and lunch,
and dinner,
and sometimes i lose control and puke all the way out.
my throat would burn but i felt victorious.

and just like that i spend days and weeks and months and every moments counting calories that will flow down inside this mouth
one hundred
two hundred
not more than three
or else their terrifying gazes will speak to me and say
“ew, disgusting.”

i hate my reflection and i dislike my being
because who would have loved a person like me,
a person with self love the size of a teardrop?

and then they told me again that i don’t have to go on diet because i’ve got the body of Victoria’s Secret’s models

but again,
why would he left me for a girl
well,
she has smaller wrist, bigger chest and she’s always alive
i don’t blame him though
i am really not enough, right?

because anyone can say those three words
and anyone can say you’re perfect
as long as you fit their idea of perfection

i am no goddess and i know my place

but maybe
just maybe
someday,
i will finally be enough.

When I was younger,
I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials.
I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!'
I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic.
I never thought that as an adult,
I would be faced with the same  issues.
I never thought I would reach a day in my life,
where all I ever want to do is sleep.
I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks.
I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning.
I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed.
I used to love the snow,
but ever since my junior year of high school,
I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites.
I literally have no idea how to help myself.
I feel so incredibly isolated.
Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired.
I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter.
I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode.
Maybe it's the weather,
Or maybe it is me.
Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in.
I feel like I can never please anyone.
I feel like I lose all sense of motivation.
I do not understand.
This time, it is different.
For I do not want to take my own life this season,
but I do not want to do anything with it.
I am drowning in homework.
I am drowning in confusion and doubt.
I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now,
because he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't deserve my constant complaints.
I just feel so empty inside.
How do I deal with this?
This ache comes back season, after winter season.
I cannot wrap my mind around it.
Why does this happen to me?
I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need.
I feel as if I am lacking something,
or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months.
Perhaps it is my heart.

i woke up and wrote a song
but forgot i couldn’t sing
so i ripped the page from my notebook
and threw it to the birds
they can have the rights and everything.