Only one heart beat, some have two
Conjoined love
some people get good morning kisses
others just wake up to the sound of dump trucks
and neighbors kids screaming

I want to be kissed softly again
to know it wasn't just in my head
that people want to be close
people want to be close enough to kiss me

I don't want anything else right now
I'm missing a type of love
one you can only get by a certain type of someone

When you’re older,
You will fall in love,
Is all they ever said,
But no one ever prepared me,
Of such heartache up ahead,
No one told people cheat,
Or lie right to your face,
I guess this is what they meant,
About learning the hard way,
But I’ve yet to meet a soul,
Who has shown me what it’s all about,
So where’s this love they spoke of,
For now all I do is doubt.

You say you miss me
I think that is all a lie
So just stop the lies I don't care to hear it
I wish no one found out
You believe everyone else over me
I can't wait until you get over me
You are making me want to rip myself apart
I am trying so hard to hold my ground
It seems impossible
But I am going to try and I will keep trying.

I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

I could tell you the exact day I became complacent
I can recall the way he parted his hair and the way he touched a steering wheel and the color of his eyes
And how he cared enough about me to make sure I didn't drink and drive
But not enough to stop mixing my drinks all night
And since I can't stand up for myself, he watched as I fell apart
I am a marionette with a broken string but ****, he's a master in the art
Constantly moving me; bending my frame and pulling my wires
And keeping me onstage whenever he desires
But it's hard for me to play my part and keep up with my lines
When I come home smelling like a different cologne each night
When I am just an empty canister they keep bringing to their lips
Begging and pleading me to offer them something with purpose

But it's always the same story:
They fabricate me
I break and I bleed under their idea of self discovery
And my selfish idea of recovery
Out of every sweet name or ***** word they've ever called me
I think I've found that "Lonely" is my favorite thing to be


I haven't lit a cigarette in weeks, but tonight I'll light three;
One for him, one for me, and one for the person I swore I would never be

Listen;
My biggest flaw is that when I settled for feeling comfortable,
When I settled for what he told me I was
I never even bothered learning self-love

its almost been three years since i met you for the very first time.
but i hardly seem to know you,
and that breaks my heart.
i wish i knew you.
you seem just like the type of guy that i would love endlessly and unconditionally.
i'm sorry i never put myself in the position to find out.
you're oh so beautiful and i am oh so very proud of you.
it has now gotten to the point of your life where you are moving out and driving away to university.
they're screaming at you for you to 'find your why'.
and you're screaming straight back in their face with all the excitement you've ever held.
i love you for that.
but you've also sparked something inside me.
you've made me so determined and strong minded for the year that has just started and lies ahead of me.
thank you.
as i travel along a year behind you,
you are no longer a drive down the road.
you're now located three hours away,
and i hope so very much that one day i will be able to join you.
but of course we need to stay in touch.
but i want to surprise you 12 months down the track bumping into you in a little cafe.
you can tell im lost in my mind and dont have a great sense of reality.
you always told me that i was different.
but you'd follow that comment with 'and that ain't a bad thing'.
i'm so proud of you and my imagination for our future is the only thing that's going to get me through 2018.
you're finding your why,
but ive just found mine; you.

The loss of a love,
now but a distant memory
still lingering in my mind;
It hurts, but I’m not sad.
A thousand deaths,
whether it be from this world,
My past or my present;
It hurts, but I’m not sad.
The pain upon my brain,
In my heart and in my soul;
It hurts, but I’m not sad.
Yet I still throw myself
at this life, at this world
and the broken thing always
comes back with a smile on it;
It hurts, but I’m not sad.

i have worked so hard
all my life
to please them
yet when it comes to my happiness
feelings
opinions
views
it's all judged and scrutinized
if it doesn't mirror their own mindset
it's oppressed
and i'm the one getting pushed down
for the way my mind works
or for how my heart yearns
and i'm fed up
it's like ripping the petals off a flower
because it wasn't your favorite color
when it bloomed
i want to be happy
with their consent
instead of faking it
to please them
i want to live my life in light
rather than their shadows
i want to try my best
and it be good enough
rather than always being
flawed

s.s