the bitterness of this night is all too perfectly compatible with
the lack of warmth in my smile
the taste of your disdain and indifference has become a familiar sensation
i want the memories to be more than just obsolete pasts
i wish to gain my life
to write my story without having the demons decipher it for me

and perhaps this is only your haphazard heart
your indignant soul
your hollow eyes grasping for something
anything
besides those pills
by your bedside
please remember
don't you forget
these days we have spent
the ones we will never regret
the laughter and the love
warm like the sun on our backs
please
dont forget
dont let those shadows
the ones i knew but never quite knew
because you saw them
alone
you heard them
alone
they are inside you
alone
the hollow echoes of your heart reverberate within my mind
i need you to stay
you may not know anyone could ever even want you
but i need you
please remember

and god,
most of all i pray
for them,
please stay away
from my heart
I'm through with this
this aching *****
filling with blood
then spilling it  out
so it can poison the rest of my thoughtless body
this red ink
staining the sink
please
just let me be me again
filter out the remnants of you
from this tireless mind
and ceaseless soul

i could feel
the winds throughout the desert
but so am i like the changing gusts and tempests  
just as the blossoms once felt their petals fall away
when they wilted old and fragile in the fray
but now the leaves are calling out as they are whisked onward
my wayward miracles of life
and yet still i ponder
my life to wander
through those pebbles of time
for sand is far too fine
though these tears of mine
may be dried like summers sweet wine
on your lips
taken into that callous mouth of yours
which knows only how to spit words out
so vile to be heard
as i sit here yet again, unperturbed
for any emotion in this world
is absurd

and i cant help but wonder
to myself as i hide my eyes behind my scarf
******* past my throat
because im long past strangled by your words
red claw marks taint my wrists, final wound cut by your sharp glances
your eyes capturing my soul
my thoughts lost in this eternal sea
of hopeless falling and rising
just to be knocked
down by the waves of the syllables
flowing from your lips
always hinting at a sad smile
your crooked grin endlessly in this mind
that aches to hear my name spring from your tongue
to see your hands held in fists
hidden beneath this ground
your voice cracking like the sidewalk in spring
your eyes flowing tears like the leaky faucet keeping me up at night
or is it the perpetual notion
that lovers are as common
as salt in the ocean
and true love is nothing but broken
promises and dreams
it's just as it seems
endless and seamless
if nothing is there it cannot be stopped

a chest that's empty
yet filled with lead

a mind torn so clearly
between the living and dead

the hair on my arms
standing straight in defense

of the words i was not able
to protect against

i spent years pretending
to feel nothing at all

until your eyes met mine
and i began to fall

but here i am pretending
to feel nothing at all

as once again i am reminded
that what comes must also go

like thick rain pouring down
streams pooling into rivers as they flow down the mountain
being in love is like drinking the poison
letting the sickness seep into your veins
feelings your organs change
as your heart starts beating for more than one body
as your soul starts sharing itself with another

falling out of love is different
maybe that's because i was pushed

leaving you behind is like closing your eyes
try not to peek but the sense of urgency is creeping
i cover them but everytime i blink
i see you standing there
i see us dancing through this pain

i see your face start to strain
as you realize im never going to change
as you realize you can't stay

i see your name
in street signs
hear your voice as im switching trains
i feel your breath on my neck
as i board the subway
smell your skin on my sheets right before doing my laundry

i sense your need for change
endless chasing of timelines

i wish i could see how it'd end
if things had gone different
i wish i could see how i'd begin
to be what i've been missing

i remember the good times
the laughs and the kisses
surprise trips to the beach
locked hands and biting teeth

i remember the passion
insane
red hot like a furnace
i should have learned to stay away from the flames

oh but how i loved that slow burn

but your path had to turn

and now i feel traces of you
endless skies dotted red across blue

i want to forget your face
every inch of my body you traced

i need to lose track of the memories
i need to remember the bad

all the tears and the fights
all the goodbyes and let goes
those times i felt us die
even before you told me to go

i guess its easier to think of all the things that went right
because letting go of the past is like saying goodnight
without knowing if there will ever be the morning light

i guess this is me admitting
that i didn't get over you

i just kept moving through
the endless highways of you

to reach the final destination
of me being whole
without you

my chest hurts just thinking about you
my feelings clawing out of my chest
like an animal caught in a cage
i feel bound by the idea of you
glued to the image of us two
my body can’t forget your touch
my skin relives each moment
every neuron sending dopamine straight through my tired brain
serotonin seeping through the cracks in my depression
oxytocin making me high just for a moment
before the anxiety kicks back in
cortisol replacing common sense

the smell of your cologne
something old and outdated
yet so perfect with your chemistry

i miss it
our chemistry
the aching pull towards your body
even when all we did was scream and cry
i needed to feel you against me
i need to feel you against me
one more time

i need to know if it was real
i need to know if we could heal
could this slipshod marriage of hope be renewed

i said i wanted nothing serious
you said the same thing too
we were fools
but love’s a fools game
and baby we were the best at it
until we started breaking the rules

the thing about hindsight is
it’s not 20/20
it’s more like 50/50
half reality half make believe
i see rose colored street signs
rose colored tears
everything stained with pink
from our single shared year

everything that’s rosey
turns black and blue
but god how i’d be so willing
to be covered black and blue
if i was doing it with you
how i’d pay to cut myself open
just to let you back in
the deepest of heartache
was from our own sin

maybe it was both of us
who sunk this old ship
but i am the one
who is still waiting adrift

yes i’d go black and blue every day
if i knew at the end of the night
id be coming back home to you

i don't know what's worse
seeing you and feeling the air being ripped out of my chest
sensibility blowing away like petals in the wind
or seeing your face and feeling nothing
absolutely nothing at all