Even though my heart
Is black and blue
The only one who lost
The game- is you.

And I'll love you
From now until forever.
You always brought sunshine
To imperfect weather.

You will be my bestfriend
Until my heart stops its beat.
It breaks my soul to know
That we will never meet.

No words bring to life
The bond that we once had.
Knowing we can't speak
Makes me so much more than sad.

And if you took the time
To stop and say hello.
It'd mean the world to me
And turn my legs into Jello.

Because we were so much more than friends
Talking during all hours of the night.
But I guess I wasn't much to you
Seeing how you gave up this fight.

I miss you so much right now
And you're happy I guess.
You left with so many questions
Now I cannot express.

They said I found my one and only
True love to live my life.
But now I'm here, broken
And you're living without strife.

So to my everything
I hope you see this.
Know that I am sorry.
What I'd do for one more kiss...

All I get are messages
"But please I've changed
Christina don't do this."
Don't you know that I hate you?
Everyone says go back.
**** that. *******.
Get the **** out of my life.
Haven't you done enough damage?
I know your'e insane, but this is severe
Just please stop, you're
Kidding me right?
Leave me alone!
Man I thought you'd be cool.
Never would I have guessed this.
Overall this has been nothing but
Pain. Why don't you just
Quit?!
Repetition in your apologies
Show me you aren't sincere.
Take your memories and throw them
Under the train that already hit me.
Very seldom do I break down.
Well now I have no choice.
Xeroxes of my mothers picture that
You burned in an angry rage
Zip through my mind. *******.

I'm Homesick
For the life that almost was

But never will be.

I just cant sleep
My mind is locked up
Let me drown these feelings
With just one more cup
My breath becomes ragged
Tears pour down my face
Please just let me get out of this place
I want nothing more
But your love and embrace
But i cant let myself beg
With another door in my face
And tomorrow the routine is back
Every word hitting my heart
With the sharp ***** of a tack
But i cant throw this away
Too much time has gone by
Too many secrets shared

I never should have said hi.

Pristine silence here
Every sound above muffled
Cosmic beauty under water
The distorted crash
From a body jumping in
Crackles from splashes
A sudden tightness, burning
Sensation from the lungs
Goodbye beauty
Goodbye heaven
Burst through the surface
Gasp as you **** in air
Catch your breath
And sit on the bottom again
Back to beauty
Back to wonder
Once again amazed
Wishing
Hoping
Dreaming
That you could stay forever.

Its days like these
That i wonder why
Girls are waiting
For that special guy.

They call him their prince
Because their king
Has been there since
Birth.

Their fathers are kings,
Waiting for them to grow
Waiting for them to realize these things
Their kings know.

These words you left for me
Have taken my breath away
Even though you have left
I have you with me every day.

It took so long to realize
All of it wasn't my fault
The chance to look into your eyes
Is something I've always sought

When I read the words you've left me
I see you sitting there
Writing, crying
Brushing away your hair.

You debate to send it over
Worrying if ill cry
Awaiting my response
The days pass by and by

But what you'll never know
Is I never got your letters

I was never ready for you to go
But for now I guess its how things are
I'll find out where you are
Through ever cut, scrape and scar.

Dont you hate it
When you have the perfect
Poem in your head
Then its lost forever
Gone, dead

Merely a memory about
street lights and fog
Then you're there without
A little piece for your blog.

I had the perfect poem
Tucked away inside my head
Something about smoke
Or laying in bed

That poem couldve been it
Could've made my career
But now I guess
I'll have to deal with being here.

Next time ill have a pen
Or somewhere to put my thoughts
But for now ill remember the poem
That I have forgot.

Another year
Has come and gone
Some have gotten weak
And some strong

Time flew by
Things have changed
I've gotten high
On life (maybe)

The closet *** addict
That no one would figure
Off the way she's dressed
Always calm and configured

I don't think you realize
Why I never come home
Why I sometimes don't
Even pick up the phone.

Things start out nice
But quickly go bad
Can't you see
That YOU make me sad

I can't see my sisters
Without spilling tears
I've wanted to leave
For over 18 years.

Now that I'm finally free
And I don't have to hear you yell
Im growing up and finding "me"


I guess home isnt always
Where my heart will be.

But maybe, just maybe
That was never my home
Maybe just maybe
It will be one day.

She looked up at me
Through wet lashes
Beauty was all I could see
I wished I could stop her tears

"A pretty face like yours
shouldn't be tear stained"

Is she just a pretty face?
Is all this time just going to waste?

I want to pour my heart
Onto this page.
But these words
Just won't come the same.
I have the idea
Inside my head
Bubbling around
Right before bed.
I want to speak
These words just can't be found

"You're perfect.
So ******* perfect"
You whispered,
Brushing my hair away.
I wish I had said thanks
I wish I had something to say.
Watching you
Watching me
Not breaking the silence
That came to be.
And it that moment
It was you and me.
I wish I saw
What you could see.
When you looked in my eyes
And stared at me.

These words echo in my mind.
Remembering what you said
That day you cuddled my behind.
I wish I could hear what you said
One, two, three more times.

Hey there,
Back again?
Looking for a rhyme?
You're in the right place then.

Let me say my words to you!

You're beautiful,
forget about the pain.

Smile, It ain't that bad.

The holidays roll around
My love rolls away.
I can't stand being here
Not without you.

I wish I could sit at the table
Holding your hand
Saying grace to the god
I would have believed in

Its been nearly 12 years
Since you've been gone.
I remember you every day.
With that certain song.

Its playing now
As I lay in my room.
All alone, imagining
That you'd be here.

1972 right?
The year you were born.
23 years young when you had me.
30 years when you left.

You would be 42 next March.
And I will be 19.
A blooming young woman
Alone in this world.

I wish I had your guidance.
Your gentle scolding.
Helping me become
Well I don't even know.

Everything would be different
I may be more ****** up than now.
Then again, I wouldn't be asking
"What if? How?"

Anyways mom
I'll let you get back to sleeping.
I hope you're not alone up there.
Just like i am here..

What is love?
Its luck.
Its a gift.
What does it feel like?
Suicide.
Not being able to breathe.
Not functioning normally.
Something everyone wants
But few have.

Its scary.

These thoughts inside my head
Are memories long gone, lost or dead
These things you forget
I'll usually remember
I'm not sure why
I remember.
Sometimes I wish I didn't
Like the times I made you cry
Or when we cried together.

Little things
You forget you told me.
I remember them all.
Not just with him.
With most everybody.

She told me she was *****.
He said he wanted to die.
When another one cried
I still remember the shine in his eye.

His preference to music
That one song that hit her hard.
How Ace of Spades
Wasn't just a card.

I remember spilling my past
Into her ears.
Watching her eyes
Fill up with tears.

In the 4th grade
When he did the splits
In 3rd grade when
She was made fun of
I was her only friend on that playground
Playing tetherball everyday at recess.

How the 'weird kid' thought my pie
Had cockroaches on top.
They were Pecans.
You asked me every time I brought it.

In second grade when you made fun
When you found out I was adopted.
I remember my dad made you cry.
Then later in High school
You liked me.
I didn't.

I remember the countless nights
I'd wait up for your call.
At least that didn't fail.

I remember all these things.
But they're lost in all of your minds.
Not in mine.
They won't be forgotten soon.

Love or hate
Live or die
Black or white
That's how
It used to be
No colors shone
Through the thick
Heavy veil
Of the sorrow
Of the loss
Of the woman
I'd never know
And I wonder if
She'll approve of me
Of whom I've become
And the things I've seen
And the things I've done
I used to always
Think
Wish
Hope
That she'd come back
Now at 16 I still
Think
Wish
Hope
That she'll come back
And impossible dream
An ungranted wish
That one spot left
On that old ***** dish
Now my future
I hold in my hands
Should I throw it away
Let it blow with the sands
No
I think I'll hold on
Cause for now I belong
I'll do great things first
And when my future
Is no more
My old tired body
Achy and sore
I'll lie down in the sun
And absorb the colors
Maybe one day
My wishes will come true
In vibrant color I'll see her
The perfect blue of her eyes
The curl of her ***** blonde hair
For now my future
Is to be left untold
Let it work on its own
Unravel, unfold

I don't want to hurt you,
No, for it would hurt me to.
Every little thing you do
Has me trailing you.

Oh Dear, my Dear
If only you could hear how
Every little thing you do
Makes me want you.

All these thoughts inside my head
Are spilling out on this bed
Knowing you're no longer here
Just makes everything lead.

My feelings splatter everywhere
Knowing your hands aren't here.
If only Dear I could know where you lie
I could finally go and say goodbye.

Dear dear Mother
If I could change this I would.
Mother I wish you weren't lying there,
In that box of wood.

I wish you'd hold me
In that sweet tender embrace
Telling me it'll be alright
Running your fingers over my face.

I wish you could tell me more
About how I came to be.
Mother, mother how I wish
You could only see.

How everything you went through
Has effected me.
Not hearing your coo
While I lay here and cry for you.

Not knowing what you sound like
Not even your final words
Just feels like a spike
Is pushing through my innards.

I wonder what you'd say
If you could see me now.
Just seeing what you left alone
Asking yourself "how?"

Just knowing what I've become
Everything I've gone through
The trials I've overcome
What would you do?

Come running to my arms
Hoping for forgiveness
Trying to work your charms.
Well Mother, I just don't know

The answers to these questions
Will stay unanswered yet.
I'll find them all one day
That I can bet.

Riding around with the wind in my face
Moving along to the beat of the bass
Lost in song
This is where I belong

Born at midnight
An odd sight
A baby carried out of a motel
A mother’s best pal
Into the hospital she went
Her time with her baby spent
She was on drugs
Couldn’t keep her
Put up for adoption
Adopted by her nurse
Almost snuck out in a purse
By her mom on drugs
To give the baby to thugs
At 6 years old she found out
She was adopted
She started to shout
Why me
Why me
Why not her
At 12 she started asking
She was starting packing
What she didn’t know
Started to show
All that went on
At thirteen she found out
Her mother had died
Hopefully she had gone
To heaven and beyond
On January 18th
In the year 2002She died of a blood clot
And has never caught

Another cold
Under 6 feet of dirt
Wearing the same shirt
She lies cold and dead
For all eternity
No pictures of her daughter
All that’s left is memories
Except for her daughter
For she knows nothing
About her mother
In denial
For months on endS
he will never see the bend
The destinationThe end
How tall was she
What did she look like
Did she know how to ride a bike
So many questions
No answers yet
Now I can bet
She misses me
As much as I miss her
What did she sound like
What did she wear
Where was she from
How did she style her hair
Who was my father
Why even bother
He didn’t care
About me or her
He never did meet me
I never met him
He should climb out on a limb
For me
So I can be free
From this mental prison I'm in
I can’t go anywhere
My minds behind bars
My feelings are getting
Run over by cars
He doesn’t care
He was never there
To support her
In her time of need
To stop her from smoking ****
Or shooting up crack
He’ll never be back
She was alone
She had no support
She had to get rid of me
She didn’t abort
Me in her womb
A perilous tomb
Forever locked
In a glass jar
Thank god that’s not me
She saved my life
By taking me there
That is the place where
I met my new mom
Who will be there
Forever with me
She will support me
And give me help
I still have questions about her
But I will meet her someday
I see her in my dreams
But that’s all it is
A dream
An idea

The girl with the hips
A little too wide
Whom ‘pretty’ girls have bullied
And damaged her pride
They hit and punch with words
She cries and hides
And burrows down deep
Down deep inside
All of the unspoken
Words from her lips
Are swallowed in mouthfuls
Of delicious salty chips
The little effort she gave
Was not enough
To help her be brave
A cold callused heart
Not yet ripe for the picking
Now damaged by a dart
The blood started dripping
She felt again


She wanted more
She let the blade bite
Till her arms were sore
Can you see her laughing?
She wont show you her pain
Can you see her smile?
She thinks there's nothing to gain
A grin
Instead of a tear
She wont listen to me
When I've already been here

I wish I were a mermaid
So my problems would be gone
I wish I  were a mermaid
So I could swim from dusk to dawn
I'd chase the sunset
And just forget
I wish I were a mermaid
So I wouldn't have to think
But I'll never know what its like
Because its something I'm not
Even in the ocean
Where the waters never hot
I wish i were a mermaid
Because it seems like fun
Swimming around
And basking in the sun
Now I wish
With all my might
To make my wish
Come true tonight
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Theres a monster in the closet
And underneath the bed
They hide from the light
and try to get inside my head

They yell at me
they want me dead
But I'm always  a step ahead

No way to get rid of them
No way to be free
This is no way to live
In insanity

I look back and see
The progress I've made
The places I've been
That old rusty blade
at the bottom of the bin
I see the people I've met
All the things I've done
Running around
And having fun in the sun
I see myself happy
Around people I love
A grin from ear to ear
The great feeling
will last from year to year

Egotistic *****
You're that and nothing more
Malice towards other
Fondness for you
and your little friends
Let this end
Be known to all
Ill-bred
Ill-fed
Ill-read
Dumb as a doornail
All hail
To the witless
******
Insolet
Teenage Queen

A grapple at the Gates of Hell
You've got nothin' but your soul to sell
You've made a deal with the Devil
Now you're goin' to Hell

You said I was your angel
It was all a facade
Now say your prayers
And beg your God

You're a Devil worshiper
You give me all of your praise
You're a Child of Sin
And you're caught in a daze

Eyes set to ****
And a mouth that bites
Honey, I'm not here
to start any fights

You said I was your Angel
It was all a facade
Now say your prayers
And beg your God

No where to run...
Except into my arms...
The life..
You knew...
Is done...