A moment of the universe,
Your blue eyes.
A kiss through the universe,
Connected together,
I share with you forever.

Emotion,
Emotionally unstable,
So they think I’m just ungrateful.

Emotionally drained,
I thought I explained.

Emotionally detached.
Emotionally attached.

This is how I remain,
All one in the same.

I hide behind these walls of mine,
Oh how much safer that I feel.
A glass of wine to pass the time,
Oh how I conceal all that is real.

I’ll hide away if I have to,
And having to is like all the time.
When my heart beats too fast,
And even when your hand is entangled in  mine,
I have to hide away - but know I tried.

Other people just don’t understand me,
In the way that you do.
I try to be happy, meaning I put on a smile,
But deep down inside, all I want is to hide.

I can’t be around others,
And I think that is easy to see.
But I love all of your colours,
Around you - I can be me.

You cannot see my pain,
It is imbedded within me.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle.
Sure, I can get around physically.
But have you had your mind constantly stuck in a bubble?

Where your thoughts don’t just come and go?
And instead,
They hit the walls around your head.
But come right back because it’s all it knows?

When your mind can not escape the traumatic events you have endeavoured,
And you are often lead towards panic?
So I ask,
Have you had your mind constantly stuck in a bubble?
Or are you psychologically quite magic?

For I can’t explain my emotions,
But I know I feel so free underneath it’s water.
Only thing I know is that the ocean hears me,
And the depths of my impurities,
By the way it curves to my energy.

So one day you can expect me,
To swim so far away,
Until the lengths of the ocean is the one thing I did accomplish,
And maybe you might try to do the same.

A line to define us is what you imagine,
When you hear the words,
Autism Spectrum Disorder,
It generally happens.

You place us in order,
Based on our physical representation,
And here come the words that I must slaughter,
Before you draw this misrepresentation.

We are not,
The terms ‘high functioning’,
Or ‘low functioning’,
In fact this is actually quite impolite.
To give a more representable label,
Please use the terms,
Severe Autism,
Moderate,
Or mild.

Every autistic person,
Has a different set of strengths and needs,
So do not presume the ‘functioning’ term,
As it tends to arrange and mistreat,
Every autistic person,
Who experiences challenges,
In different versions.

With these terms,
We have created the gap between neurotypicals and the autistic on our own.
When after all,
A better understanding is all we need to be realistic,
Because we all share the same bones.

So, no two people you meet with autism,
Are categorically the same.
We are a spectrum of many beautiful colours,
And we are all here to play the same game.
There are multiple areas where we can succeed,
And just like you,
Others, where we are not so great.

I wish I had the words.
When I was younger they seemed to come out just right.
The only thing expected of me back then was to play, and since then, I’ve never felt as bright.

When I was younger I would talk to my friends and my family,
Knowing exactly how to express what I thought and what I needed.
Without waiting anxiously,
Or feeling like there was something in me that had to be treated.

But now that I’m getting older, it’s much harder to convey when I’m feeling grey.
Seeing everyone around me achieve all their dreams,
While my thoughts weigh too heavily on my shoulders,
And the voice inside me screams.

These are the thoughts that say what I’m speaking  isn’t good enough,
And that  you expected to hear it differently.

So I learnt that all I can do is remain distant,
Just to avoid those conversations,
And instead I now find peace in my own isolation.

What can I say? When I don’t want to say much at all, but I am expected to want to get better?
What can I say? Without pushing you away once I contradict myself and you don’t understand me at all?
What can I say? Knowing I cannot lie, but otherwise I will disappoint you.

It feels like there is nothing more I can say,
Maybe I’ve lost my chance to strengthen, and now I only waste away my days.

But when you ask me to catch up and tell you about how life has been lately,
I know it hasn’t gotten better, and it was more than just a ‘phase’.

So I sit here most nights,
Wondering what can I say?
But I know there is not much I could say to impress you,
So I choose to stay away.