maybe it's sort of pathetic how you were my very first thought in 2015
and how i couldn't watch you smile as the clock struck twelve but i guess i'm just never good enough for your presence
i hate how you're cold and i always burn and you could freeze me with your eyes if you‘d ever look at me but i'm only firing flames and you don't seem to notice and you're clueless to my sadness or just want to be
and you don't look at me anymore
you never smile and i never smile and i guess the world is a sad place and the stars don't shine and my heart doesn't sing and my lungs dont breathe without your smile
the sound of your name is my favourite melody and your voice is my favourite tune and you're the song i can't stop listening
and i noticed how your friend mentioned your name and then searched for a reaction in my eyes, he would stop for a second and scan my face for a change of the sound of your name and i feared they might see you behind my eyes because it's all i ever see,
he told me tales of how you missed your bus and chased it and i could just imagine your flushed cheeks, i guess you're used to this weather and he asked me about you and i just smiled and denied but it was all a lie since i still love you but to be honest i never actually stopped no matter how much i tell myself i did
you were my first dream of 2015 and i fear you're gonna stay just that when i want you in reality and i know these two weeks are gonna be hell without you but maybe hell is exactly what i need since you're my heaven, the heaven i don't even deserve and the moon is hidden behind the clouds and it feels like you're hidden behind time
i hope time doesn't erase you from my heart no matter how much i hate you,
maybe you'll never understand that you are the sun with a soul of a winter and i'm just a storm with a loud thunder.

i'm sick and cold and shaking and coughing the venom that is you and you have poisoned my blood and my heart isn't beating the same anymore and you are so painfully beautiful it hurts//

i loved him more than anything and i missed his smile like the flowers miss the rain but there were stroms and lightning and i couldn't stop crying over him but he was just shining and i always wondered where he went with his friends and if he had started smoking cigarettes or if he ever got drunk and tried to call me but remembered he didn't have my number, though i'm sure i haven't crossed his mind this year//

the snow seems warmer without you and you should know by now that i hate warmth and i always preferred the cold, maybe that's why i always loved you, you were colder than the ice i slipped on and fell and i fell for you and i still have no clue why i compare you to the weather//

i've been slashing blood for him even though he doesn't care but maybe i should show him my wrists and he would run away but i‘d tell him it's all him, he did this with his pity laugh that reminded me of bitter coffee and black chocolate but he would still leave, boys with deadly smiles and clear minds and rough hands who play tennis in the rain always leave and they always ruin girls with nice hearts and sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks and freezing lips who love to chase them//

i.
i met a boy with light brown eyes
and a nice smile, with glitter in his hair
and no blood on his hands, and
he reminded me of the rain and
sun at the same time.

  *ii.
he sometimes looked at me but it
wasn't with the same passionte eyes
i viewed him and i was certain he wasn't
longing for me to kiss his neck and graze
my teeth on the thin skin of his collarbone.

   iii.
he fascinated me in ways i couldn't even explain,
his mind was the ocean i wanted to dive in and explore,
but i found myself unable to swim in the deep water,
and i couldn't find a way out on the surface, i felt myself
drowning and his arms, which didn't even reach out for me,
couldn't save me.

    iv.*
i was buried by his laugh and drugged on his smile
but i couldn't wish for a more lovelier death.

my father warned me about
boys with black, dead hearts
but he hadn't even realized
that his deranged daughter
had become a girl with that same
kind of heart and she was scouting
for boys with nice ones, so she could
break them to pieces
and stomp on them.

but every time she tried,
she was the one who ended up
with a damaged, scratched heart
and she loathed herself for that,
the way she let herself feel even
the slightest bit of pain again.

but she coaxed herself that if she felt,
she was still human and she hasn't turned
into a emotionless, cold blooded monster,
yet.