Helpless I was not
Never shall I make the mistake
Of leaning on a shoulder
To keep me sane

When I met you
There was no definitive sign
No gut feeling
Whispering “Him... him!”

It was just you and I
A couple of strangers standing
Exchanging names and numbers
A simple coffee run

I know it’s the way it should be
There doesn’t always have to be
A fairytale signal
A wordless “fate” whistled by wind

Things for us
Are calm and wonderful
Just two souls making the best
Of time so cherished
/Simplicity!/

Walking on clouds
Is precisely what it feels like
To avoid comparing every man
To you

Impossible

I can’t help but chuckle
When they say something
Word for word what you’d say
I hear your voice instead of theirs

You’ve set a bar so low
That it’s actually high
Many of them don’t need to play limbo
Yet my heart still blocks the gate

I try to imagine doing all the things
We said we’d do with them
But it just feels like an empty hole
In the pit of my stomach
It makes me sick

It’s tedious to know
You’re out there living life
And I’m trying to find one
Without you

Yet no matter where I journey
Whom I meet
I can’t bring myself to see them
Because it’s you I’m still looking for

I still love you.
You broke me,
Shattered my heart until it was dust,
Set my soul aflame and watched me burn,
But I still love you.

You said you didn’t love me
I cried and begged on my knees,
Stay, please stay
Don’t leave me
I held you so tight my nails broke,
I could no longer breathe.
I still love you.

It makes sense to me now
She seems cute and sweet,
Yet underneath sits a snake.
Her poison runs through your veins,
You like her
And I still love you.

My womb held our child for 9 months
Tears shed when she stopped crying as you held her,
Yet three months later,
You seemed to forget
But I still love you.

Days pass with no sound
My heart fills with loneliness.
Do you still love me?
I don’t know you anymore,
But I still love you.

Come back to me
Come back, please
Because I still love you.

Jesus looks down on me
A tidal wave of hope
Crushed and smashed against the rocks
It drowns with everything else

Somehow I make it to the nearest town
Looking for shelter
I stumble upon familiar roads
See familiar faces
Faces that may haunt me forever

I climb up a lighthouse
It should be the key out of here
It should show me all my future
It should have helped me

Instead I only see the somber clouds
And mystic fog settle in
I can’t help but watch the water pull in and out again
Drifting back and forth
Moon playing tug-of-war

I can’t stand looking at the familiar view
The same thing over and over
So I must ask myself these questions again:

Do you know who you are?
Do you know where you are?
Do you know what has happened to you?

Jesus send me another wave
This time of peaceful realization
Don’t send me away

We're coming to our end
It was inevitable
A simple sunset

It's not as painful this time
Perhaps I'm numb to the feeling
To the lies and secrets
Although you aren't the bad guy

And neither am I

The truth used to lie in songs:

Breakeven, I'm falling to pieces..

You're no longer the best part of me

Someone Like You

Is no longer something I wish to find

Say You Love Me

Don't say it, because I don't know if I can believe it

Say Something

Even if you beg me to stay, I'm leaving for myself

These songs used to carry
The truth in every word sung
But now they don't apply
I do but don't know why

Some songs-
They still mean what they always did:

Heartbreak.

So here I am
Sitting against a counter
Desiring you in every way

I can't do anything but dream and hope
About you and us
For the rest of however I feel for you

You make me and my life make sense
In every way
You give me a purpose

And I know I shouldn't base my purpose
Off another soul
But why deny the truth?

Make out with me
At a house party
Intensely

Kiss me as if
My lips are your last breath
Hold me close
As if I'm your safety blanket
Touch me
Bite me
Do what you want to me
Be my ecstasy
And every other drug
But not just for this one night
Not just at this house party
Be my drug
Be my king
At every moment after
And after
And after

Do I believe in second chances? I think now I do- ever since I met you. Over and over again we stumbled and fell, but our ending is one only time can tell. Do you think we can last, my love? Are these signs telling us to try again coming from the heavens above? I have many questions and I am full of doubt, but don't worry, there is no need to pout. Your dark features are what shine so brightly. Your voice- so deep, travels so lightly. Let's not make the same mistakes this time around. I pray you hear me- let me be your only sound. This time promise me you will stay, and I promise to be the lighthouse by the bay.

I hadn't realized how much everything changed. How the wind stopped carrying your voice when I stopped listening. You were my poison, I was your wine.

I thought time pushed us farther apart,
But instead it only lead me back to the start.
Now you have your own person, your own soul to love. You fill her wishing well with quarters when you barely threw a penny into mine.

We've come to different parts in our lives and I look to the stars in hopes that we cross paths, because after all, anything with you means everything to me.

Here comes that oh-so
Familiar feeling
So familiar,
It's practically embodied
A black crow
Scraping its claws against
The outer layer of tissue
On my heart

It carves itself
It's own name forming:

L
O
N
E
L
Y

This black crow will remain inside me
Until the day I take my last breath

What a fantastic reminder.

I enjoy the possibility
Of love
The thrill that comes
When you finally make eye
Contact
The tingling butterflies
That you haven't felt
For what feels like a decade

It's fantasia enwrapping the mind
Inhabiting the darker corners
Hidden by cobwebs
And sad song lyrics

Cloaked in mystery and wonder
Leaving your mind to ponder
Everlasting first thoughts

Seeking the truth
Obsessing the details
The fine print
That comes etched in the
Flutter of their lashes

It's joyous to feel this
The anticipation of each laugh
The burn of a long lasted smile
Once again

There used to be a light in your eyes
That would shine endlessly in the dark
Holding hope and joy
You never faded

You used to smile brightly
Your cheeks would hurt from all the smiling
They called you Ms. Smiles
You never frowned

You used to be more energetic
Always running against the wind
Hair smelling of sweat and dirt
You were never tired

You used to sing all the time
Loudly from the shower
Disney songs and all
Your voice was never lost

You used to talk all the time
Not loudly, but just enough
From mumbles to jabbers
You were never silent

You used to be happy
Laughing and smiling
Daydreaming and playing.
I used to be.

For so long I struggled
With trying to jumble words
Together
To write a poem
For you
For our friendship

But it has now dawned on me
That perhaps our friendship
Is one that is no longer in tact
It is fading

It is withering
Like a flower
After a long hot summer
Drifting into fall
A start to an end

I was in denial
I tried to ignore the signs
Every small text ignored
Every small shove aside
Every plan unfollowed
I felt it
I knew
Perhaps you did too

Our lives are changing
I always thought
We would make it through

But our friendship
One that has lasted half our lives
Is one that I never presumed
Wouldn't stand the test of time.

There was a page
Full of words
That said everything
That said nothing

My thoughts were unclear
My writing was cloudy
It made no sense
But so much
I understood

That poem was a failure
Ironically, it spoke of failure.
I tried to force ink onto paper
And in return received a
Mess of a masterpiece
A reflection of who I am

I had abandoned my work
It screams to be finished.
So finally
I come out of my shell
I try to undo knots
I couldn't untangle before

Because in a few days time
I will have answers
To questions I've always asked
And I'm not sure I am ready
But I am standing now
Or at least,
I will soon.

Soon,
I will stand tall
I will be stepping...
But where will my feet land?

Why do I want to love?*
Perhaps it's the million dollar question
That will unlock doors
That were unseen to my eyes

Maybe I want to have someone to hold
To have someone hold me
Being loved is a concept unfamiliar to me
But I recognize the beauty that is attached
To loving someone else

Maybe my soul aches for its missing piece
The one ***** out of place
Leaving me desperate
Trying to cling to anyone I believe worthy

I breathe the air of wander
I swim through deep personal waters
I soar the sad spoken air
All in search of someone

Does anyone want to lay a claim
To my lonely life?
Does anyone here want to love a girl
Who would love you as if
There was nothing
To distract her heart from all the love
It could pour into your soul?

And with all that being said
I ask my next love,
My next joy,
Give me the ink to write out love notes
Allow my windows to open wide
Let me breathe in the love around us
So I may answer my own questions
With the letters of your name

I am not sure
If it's my loneliness
My desire to love
My infatuation with you
Or just you in general

But I am so glad
I have gotten closer to you
If only in the slightest
Before our time is up

I will miss your smile
Your laugh
Our not-so-frequent chats
Your unseen beauty

I have yet to tell you
To tell you that I care
That it hurts when you hurt
That I would like to get to know you better

But you won't be here for much longer
It's sadly wonderful
You won't be here for much longer
So I really shouldn't bother

It's hopeless really
I know nothing will come of it
Just like every infatuation I've had
Nothing will come of this

I hope you find happiness
No matter what happens
Just know I care
You will be missed.

Your pain is undeniable
It is etched
Into your soft
Pale skin

You call out
To anyone in earshot
For their help
For their love

God has twisted your soul
Weathered it by letting it soak
In fresh tears and blood
That come from your own eyes
That come from your family

You want to climb to the gates of Heaven
Too soon, too angry, too childish
You want someone to blame
Have their head in your hands

You cry out
Screaming 'Why, God? Why, Father?'
The why is not as important
As to how you get through

You have yet to learn how to forgive,
O girl with soul-searching eyes.
You have yet to move past all this
And I applaud you for trying.

I fear that one day
I could love you
I fear that one day
We won't be
But you see
The truest fear
That lies in my heart
Is the fear
That I
Will not be
Anything
Compared to
Your
Last
Love

One. Two. Three
Two people meet
Two. Two. Three
These people were you and me
Three. Two. Three
We fell quickly.

Together, our movements,
Our thoughts,
Our plans-
Seemed to sync together
Like our feet
Mine following your lead
Around this dark dance floor

But little did we see
That by the time
The night slipped away
Our feet began to trip
Over our own
Over each other's

The universe above
Used all their magic on us
But you noticed it before I did
And so we did not leave
The dance together

One. Two. Three
You left me
Two. Two. Three
You were free
Three. Two. Three
We weren't meant to be.

The lavender scent
Of the soft white bubbles
Fills the small bathroom
Calming my thoughts

The hot water
Turns my tan skin pink
I can feel my heart racing
In response to the heat

Just like my body soaks
In this painfully warm water,
My mind soaks
In the painfully warm memories
That include us both

I scrub
And scrub
And scrub
Begging to be rid of your handprint
Your invisible mark
That you have left
On my delicate skin

I want to be clean
Do me the favor
And leave my body
Leave my mind
Leave my soul
Because it is time
I move on

The dirt that taints
My clear, foamy water
Is a reminder
Of how you have tainted my mind,
My perception of the world.
Oh, how I will never be the same...

The low rumble
Brushing my window
Of the wind rolling by
Me feeling mellow

My movements are slow
That I don't deny
A vast storm
Blowing inside

I lie here
Thinking... Feeling
Of something more
More than just being

This emptiness shall consume my soul
Every last drop of my life
Spot the poor maiden
Crying inside

Listen to it blow
Watch it grow
No one knows
No one knows

Witness the horror
Of being yourself
Tell the tragic tale
That old book on the shelf

It's pages torn and dusty
Of a story told before
Read those words aloud
Of a person who is no more

Admit what your eyes may see
What your heart can no longer feel
Listen with your eyes
Maybe time is not real.