I'm back again
the me that cries
nights spent sitting up  
eyes watching nothing


I'm back again
the me that lost the will to fight
classrooms, bustle with gossip
students trying,
barely awake
eyes blurry
I wish I had no more time

I'm back again
the me that feels the tile beneath my knees
throat raw
distant voices- happy, alive
eyes deceiving
I can feel the time getting shorter and shorter

I'm back again
the me who is restrained
anxiety more severe, pounding on my chest
eyes closed
I know they turned back the clock
sentenced me with more time

I'm back again
the me who has to find the right way
path or no path
life has been given to me

He was like no other

The small things that made me happy

Didn't matter to him

What really mattered was the poison that tainted his veins

It ****** the life out of him

And made him deranged

My voice is not strong
and for that
no one understands
what- I'm really saying

They don't hear the apprehension
in my tone
or  how each syllable
leaves my mouth the same way
a baby bird leaves their nest- fast an daring

and now
I'm telling my story
and there paying attention


yet they still don't understand
they peer, and they criticize
write notes
nod in understanding

but there not really *listening

I want out, but that's a joke

I'm not going to make it to Europe or the islands
I'm not going to make it to the city
some days i can't even make it out of bed

why
everything passes my eye
spinning
years and years I still can't explain the motion

then there's the hate
I'm screaming to get up, to stop
to be normal

but within  a second I'm sobbing to empty walls
I try to be quiet
but it's tearing through my lungs

I'm a lost cause
there's no cure
for my mind

so don't bother
your efforts, your support,
its all a waste of time
for a girl who
is cheating her life

Five days, each, we do the same
rise to the sun
mold our face

hard desks, loud voices
we take notes
they think we care
all it takes, a second- earns a twitch of the finger
but they don't see

we are safe

Yet here we sit
we wonder why
before us- the scientist, the detective
most referred- the counselor awaits

we ponder
do they know
pain is what we crave

we see no perceptive
cross their face

all we can do is wait

I should have never believed you
when you said 'everything was going to be okay'

I'm watching them bury you six feet deep
and all I can think about
is how we can meet again

I know if you were here
you'd hold my arm down
and whisper in my ear
'don't shed a tear, you'll survive'

but you're not here
and no ones left to pin me down
it's me and my brain
and everything is a sign
telling me-
'you're better off dead'

we're sitting surrounded by the white walls
counting our breaths
feet explore the beige tile
as our eyes climb the walls

they come in
gripping there manila folders
expressions grim

they tell us there's a crack
not lining our skin
no its inside
and every minute
its delving deeper

and they say sooner or later
our bodies wont keep up
no its a force we cant control

they leave us
gone from these white walls
only leaving us with the news

and we're alone again
with only the thoughts of how
each minute
we lose a little more of our self
each second we're breaking

Why do you waste your energy?
You present that radiant smile.
hug me like
our touch will stop,
the desperate pleas of those in need.
Why?

I need for you to see the truth

think of me like a robber
entering your holy presence
I'm faking,
rounding up your feelings
stowing them away,
and you still think
I'm benefiting

I'm not
and in the dead of night
dressed all in black
the brightest thing about me
is the smirk
escaping my lips

I take your feelings and sell them
use the pleasure I gain as an escape
from the numbness
tearing my soul to shreds

I lost my wit
when you stole my words
the smiles seemed enough

now I'm sitting here
alone again
everyone wonders why I'm bitter
every time, your name is on the tip of my tongue
but I spare you, again an again

I gained insecurity
when you left me for the dirt
the silence seems to be all I can handle

I'm sitting at your bedside
I want to stay here forever
just so you know I care

with each tick of the clock
my feet itch to discover the halls
and my eyes can't quite meet yours

and I wish
I could say
tell you
because
I care, I do

its always been me
stubborn
I'm as good as a wave
there to greet and comfort you
then the pull inside of me gets in the way
I can only last so long

but I'll be back again

never forget

I care, I do

she thought this moment
as she sat in the back room
tears sliding down her cheeks,
elevator music would be perfect

and when the others' came
she fell in line behind them
feet following, left... right
mind devoid,
but a small thought, human touch would be perfect

then it was over
tears as dry as the desert,
silence as loud as nothingness could be,
so bare, she was alone

she thought

the only touch she'd ever get again was her own,
and the only music she'd hear was her breathing
in.. *out

It's a mystery to you-
how many moments I spend crying,
seconds closing my eyes,
hoping to disappear

when you call  later
your voice is vivid against the black shadows
of my thoughts

you're a nice friend
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

It's a mystery to you-
how many days I go without company,
hours spent listing my flaws

when you visit later
I'm shocked; You're brighter than I thought

you're a nice friend,
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

and if I see you analyze me
I put on a smile-
*I'm okay, don't you see

Please don't be afraid to tell me
capture my foggy gaze
but don't worry about the haze in front of my eyes
they put it there
think of it as a blanket
covering the warmth inside

but wait
don't think of me worth
for every time they ignored my calls
I cried
let them sink into my pores
ravage everything inside
I lost

please don't be afraid to tell me what you see
I know your words are gentle, and free
I wish if only mine could
impair the cell bars
restraining everything I wish
tear the silence
and let me
for once be
happy
but I know just no

please don't be afraid to approach me
shake my shoulders or
brush past
because you rise above us all
conquer everything
I know I would never last

please don't be afraid
I'm worth a speckle of sand
in an endless earth miles long, miles high
I'm nothing
don't you understand

my soul,
so quick to scurry
as you pass me by,
still yearns for you late at night

I didn't believe your grandest
smile
could pull me back in
but here I am... right back to your side,
held so tight

oh my soul, where did you lose your fight?

what do I do
I've walked thousands of miles
tore my flesh on the rubble
followed the path

climbed to the highest peak
watched the world flow
now I'm at the drop

it's tonight- or never
and I realize
I was never your first choice

You put me second
the same way
I put myself last

and now
my eyes are blurry
and I'm reaching
searching

but I am no ones first
I'm stuck in a dark abyss
I lost my chance to be safe
the second is always a waste

if i take a break
sit on the sidelines
the waves will wash ashore
the sandcastle will come to ruins
and i don't think i can watch everything I made
everything I became
falter
the sun beating down
the sand in between my toes
suffocates
but not as much as the thought of failure
so today I'll ride the waves

So many nights
I now spend,
begging words
that have no meaning,
to the wall

And from darkness filled of empty spirits to
golden beams of sun
I sit
and wait

But

these eyes won't shut
and these thoughts won't leave
Maybe, i wonder, if- you return
will i be able to sleep again?

in a tiny moment, so insignificant in time

he looked up to the sky,
as if he saw someone looking down at him

and I was in awe
because he did that to...

just..  like..  me..

I wondered how much our pain was the same

I thought writing everything on paper
maybe then, it could all make sense
But, the longer the sentences became- the more jumbled
my thoughts were.
I tried to trace one thought to the next, but all I got were scribbles.
How could I figure out what I wanted,
when I couldn't understand what I was thinking?

It seemed like it should be simple,
like learning to tie your shoes.
First, it seems an impossible task
But, before you know it, your hands tie the shoes
And you don't spare one thought about it.

It wasn't what it seemed though,
my thoughts were inchoherent
and every solution I had was a dead end.

I found myself alone
with no one to turn to-
I was deserted on a street that no one knew of.

So what do you do when you're all alone,
and a map of survival does not exist?
Do you keep thinking until a solution arises?
Or, do you pick up your feet, stand tall, and head in a direction you feel could be the way?

hope
itching, tearing through your skin
your eyes twinkle
reflect
lead the way
somewhere along
your legs
or was it your mind
stop
detest
I almost crash into you
send you spiraling below
and if
i could never move on
cuz even without your sparkling orbs
all the light in the world would be broken
same,
as my gentle, confused, heart
but your beside me
and i reach
gentle touch
together the way can be found
one day the sparkle will be alive again
and I'll no ive been right all along
you're strong

I had a guy that loved me unconditionally
he'd have moved any obstacle that got in my way

I had a guy that wanted the world for me
he'd have had the loudest voice in a crowd of cheers

I had a guy
he was mine, and I was his

then his days got shorter
& I got harder for him to see

by the end I was a figmant of his imagination
as he was of mine

I had a guy
but now all I have is myself
& I'm wondering how I'll ever let another guy in

I'm not sure of much
But I do know a penny rusts
Hands grip
Pockets hug
Water rinses
Years surpass
And maybe a penny is just like us
Our hands grip so tight till our touch is not enough
Hips to hips were lost
rain drenches us, feelings wash away
Years pass and maybe just maybe we were never worth enough

I can't breathe
they're giving me oxygen

my eyes are heavy
they're softly reassuring me

I saw the sun
they told me it'd be the last light I'd see

today
I have your arms around me
your heart beating beside mine
I see more than light

I see a calm
I'd never thought I'd have again

whisper your sweet words
so no one can hear them, but us

hide your gentle touches
so no one can yearn to feel them, but us

....because I'm selfish,
I only want you to myself

I told my brother on the first of May
if the tidal waves swallow me whole
if the bags beneath my eyes darken
my weaknesses start to show
don't let my past grow

I said don't you understand
the flower can only flourish for so long
until its time
to be
eternally gone

a week later my brother wrapped his arms around my bare back
he told me
even beyond the time
my heart beats
and my thoughts flow
I will love you
*your spirit will always grow

Misery loves company
but uncertain I am
for my memories are fading
and for that reason alone,
how should I really feel?

You tell me what I should feel
force those ideas into my head
I try to box them, and keep them on file
but I just don't understand

where did I get like this
how did I lose my sense of reality
why can't I remember

finally- you tell me
I was a caged bird
until they demanded me to fly
and I followed their orders-
even though, I never learned how to properly spread my wings

I can't remember
and I still don't know what to feel
but-
now I think,
I can recover,
maybe one day, *I'll even learn how to spread my wings and fly

No one will be mine
and I'm no ones
I like it like that, I do

Once you let someone be yours
all they do in the end
is make demands of you

So I'll be my own

In class we talked about writing poetry
poets are outstanding
they connect two separate things
use similes and metaphors
think everywhere
and than within
skill, talent, expertise are needed
my heart skipped a beat
are my poems a mockery?
but then I read those cries for help written in the dark at 3 am
I realized
poetry can only come from the mind
and most importantly
a juvenile one like mine

i was crying for one thing
but then the tears wouldn't stop
i was crying for everything around me
and how I could not do a thing, but watch

she asks me how I am doing
but i cant tell her the truth
in those minutes the tears won't show
only a numb smile
with eyes to match

with
skin as cold as ice
eyes as dark as night
and a mind as loud as a siren
I need to muster enough strength
to continue this fight

It's the twenty-third of the month
She's finally discovered a rhythm through the days
but soon enough, a new month will show
and she knows
once again
she'll have to adjust

That's the way it always is
the way it's always been

adjust for her mother, adjust for her father
and when she met him-
she suspected he would assume the same

but he told her
her attempts weren't good enough
which he must really have meant-
she wasn't good enough

so he left, barely the start of the month
and she spent the days alone
and that's what she is dealing with now
days of the month
forever taunting her

and if she lets a tear slip at night
well that just further proves-
she's deficient

they told her
but she tried not to listen
in hopes they could be wrong
but they've always been *right

My greatest fear is not of those who are living
there words
there stares
there actions
there thoughts
will never scare me as much as you
i don't know how your voice sounds
i don't know how your hand feels in mine
I don't know what you think of me
and that's the scariest of them all
will you want me when we meet again

I want a father
simple as that

it makes me feel guilty
wanting another man to take your place
but sometimes I think
having a father in my life is the only way
I'm going to feel okay
that maybe with a strong man
in my life
I'll suddenly be confident
and I won't be afraid
of being the last one awake
and I won't be afraid
when another man talks to me

I want a father
it's simple as that

let me go
walk thousands of miles
up the hills
through the brush
scream to the moon and stars
and laugh under the rays


let me go
cuz I'm the rope pulling you down
you don't see me
but I'm there
and you need to escape

You don't deserve the burn
or the late nights


let me go
I'm getting more and more tangled
and I need help
but
you're so much better
use your skills on someone else
find a ribbon
silk on you're fingertips
pretty in color

just let me go

to the guy who stole everything
for quite some time I watched the people
the places around me
always was I quick to hide
but now
I'm learning how to drive
apply pressure to the gas
leaves everything behind
press lightly on the brake
so you don't crash into the boulder blocking the path
hold on tight to the steering wheel
you don't want what you have to disappear

to the guy who stole my everything
i guess you never learned how to drive
or maybe somewhere along the way
you let your hands leave the steering wheel
or maybe your foot slipped off the brakes

to the guy who stole my everything
i hope by the end
maybe just maybe
you'll remember the day you were taught to drive

her tears are drying
the echo of his footsteps are long gone
its midnight now
and she's all alone

he was her cave
covering her from the world of lies
now her figure stands so clear
amidst the brush
and she's stuck with all her insecurities

she pleads desperately every night
she doesn't want to endure the scratches
or the ground shaking beneath her feet
the burn of their eyes
it's all to much

but shes stuck
and once again she realizes, she's all *alone

a cool breeze
miles of sand to herself
why would she ask
to be not alone
people, things, crowded her

like unnecessary clothes worn in the peak of summer
she was already hot
itching to shed her skin
but she knew
beneath everything
an ugly her existed

and if they saw

the skin she built would not shine
no
not anymore
she couldn't risk losing
everything she knew

we're back to walks during the noon hour
hands linked
you make sure to be one step ahead
we're in a cafe
pizza slices between the two of us
your cutting my slice in tiny pieces
we're in the car driving fast
going up a hill
you and I anticipate for the depart down
we're together
always
in my memories
I just wish we're together in soul

When I think of you
its like needing an umbrella in the peak of a storm
or carrying a bag full of groceries and it all breaks through
When I look at you
its like being on top of the mountain to suddenly being on the bottom
or writing an acceptance speech to realize you never were accepted
When I hear you
its like a symphony gone awry
or waking up with nothing but yourself
Disappointing it is
But when I touch you
its like the chair to the table
or the eye lashes to the eye
so necessary it is
the same way your embrace keeps me in line

I think you've forgotten who you are
the same way- I've forgotten how to be
living- life, it is so essential
but here the two of us sit,
and our sunken eyes
seem to make silent conversation
as we both wonder- how has it come to this?

I also think you've forgotten how to feel
the same way- I've forgotten how to see
friends to lovers to enemies, we've let it rip us apart
and we shuffle beside one another
seeking something,
and both hoping- it will be enough

The path we need to take is covered,
without a doubt
but, I think we both can agree
numb amongst it all- we can't venture alone
together, it will always be better than being lonely

All** I have left (are)
(the ) words your voice gave

The tears come
But you don't return
My lungs waver
But you don't reassure me
My vision blurs and the world seems to fade
But your hands are not in mine
I chant
your not coming back
why can't (I ) move on

All I have left (are)
the words your voice gave

i said goodbye
underneath the barren tree
tears flowing down my cheeks
i couldn't fathom- why
gone to early
her soul flying high
i hope at least she was happy

i found her in the stacks
piled beside her a mountain of books
brows furrowed
eyes burning holes in the pages
beneath her clenched hold

i met her in the queue
down cast
sullen
as if each second passing by
deemed to be her last

i dreamed of her
driving a stick shift car
her hair flowing
laughter all around her

as young as could be
i watched my parents
each step they took
glee all around them
i waited for
what was made for me
right from the beginning

I know you're leaving me soon
& I'm suffocating
just the mention of your name
& I'm in tears
they show me your picture
& I'm desperate for forever

please don't go
I don't want to miss you

This whole time I was moving mountains
just so you could smile my way
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I was painting you in gold
just so everyone would know how special you are
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I've been planning
just so we both could be happy
and I've failed to see- you're not doing the same

cold bed sheets
late night-dark room
dial tone of your cellphone
it's so clear-

this is the real you
I should have known

in 1868 they sewed 'freak' across her chest
she was the ant of the food chain
it was a contest for them,
who could smother her the hardest

in 1878 they ravaged her
they were the crows
and she was a worm
they won
she came home with purple eyes
and a smothered heart

in 1888 they sat on hard sofas
frown lines permanent
they worked, the years of past were coming of age
she was a trophy
in their finest efforts

and she
cocooned with her published memoir
counted her wealth
overwhelmed with glee
she had a mended heart
not a trace of a scar
and she was alive
and simply *free

sunday I want pain
monday I want to delve into the darkest part of night
tuesday I want time to soar, drop me in the land of happiness
wednsday I want to feel the hatred you have for me
thursday I want to hear the drip of a faucet and nothing else
friday I want you and me
saturday I want my throat to beg for my screams to stop

all week
it's because of you

and when you decide to have me
everything disappears
and the only thing I have is
your touch
my fingertips
and a quiet mind

oh I need you
gone or here
not in between
why
because, you make me crazy

they say the ghosts lived in her eyes
i don't think that's true
I think her eyes will always shine
maybe not in the light
but at 3 am
all alone
when only nightmares occupy her mind
her eyes will shine
she will feel
and
one day you might just catch a glimpse
and know shes alive
for real

Don’t cover your face sweetheart
I want to see your pretty eyes
don’t look away
I want to paint a picture of you in my mind
don’t tense up
I want to scale the ups and downs of your skin till I find the gold you’ve been hiding
don’t deny a thing, baby doll*
I want you to understand, you’re worth more than you think