& the day carries on
& the earth continues to turn
but not without a storm
the universe crying out for your existence

What’s to say you will know?


The fiery being you are detests to your celestial existence

Death
Sentients
  
Forever a delusion
What have I transpired?

I had never known a love that strayed so quick
I had known only love that wanted to stay, fight, that was hooked, infatuated, that I couldn’t shake  
Even if the air was thick

There’s mumbled sorrys for reasons apparently unknown
No aggression or solutions
Just stay or goodbyes
Transfixed on what if’s
Afraid of what the truth transpires

because time doesn’t lie

You bite the bullet and hold the gun
But you stand in front of the mirror all day
Acting stunned

There is an eeriness to it now
Your presence
Bleak
So complete with irony & memories
you’d think it was a
Statement

You’re blessed in the sense
Of having the ability to be
Be unaware
So unaware that there’s a
Luring feeling to you

The way you so easily adapt
To the chaos
So used to that chaos that it’s
Comfortable

Don’t be

With a grin across her face
“Must I be my own muse?”

This cigarette stays lit
You are warm and sore
The frogs croak & the cayotes howl
The fire stays lit
The only thing illuminating the night
Besides the astounding stars

I know you want to feel something
But you always do

What do you want to feel so badly
That you turn yourself inside out &
Devour this lifes vastness with such
Absence

Turn yourself inside & out a million
More if you have to but know
You are the universe
With such wholeness & absence
You are more then you think &
Only yours

It's a renewal

Oh,

We're all dying

The seasons are changing
The tides are turning
The earth is burning

We're all going down

Oh,

The Beauty in it all

I lay piles of sodium
At the corners of my room and windowsill
The feathers still
on the window

My head is throbbing
My mind no where
But everywhere
Stomach churning
Eyes burning

Only half the lights work
It doesnt feel right being back here
I can still hear the echoes of her little voice
Reciting the prayer "Our Father"
Is that the name of it?
I haven't recited it in so long

a year later
we hadn't talked
the sun started to melt away the
evening summer sky
it was just us at the top of the hill
we gazed
we chattered
boards at the ready; familiar
you reached for my hand
& your touch
your touch felt blissfully comfortable
careful stop at the bottom of the hill
i didn't want to let go

Books upon books stacked on
the few bookshelves in my bedroom
I haven't read any
Watermarked ceiling
Hazy mellow lighting lures the shadows
Full ashtray
Chamomile tea
Two honey

I go to the washroom to freshen up
The bar is loud
I smell something familiar
Smells like you
It smells like you
Comfort
I don't want to lose you
I'm sorry
I'm ******, I know
We're fcked
We know

You said I reminded you of music.
I know music is one of your favourite things.
The pressure.
You'd wake me with kisses & caress my skin.
But what happens when your fingertips come across my imperfections.
The shame.
You say I'm more than you could ever ask for.
But what happens when I tell you there is more.
The guilt.
You have your addictions, like we are with tarring our lungs. What if you found that I do it because it slowly kills me.
The irony.

The blade is dull
but not dull enough
so I scratch in just enough to see red
I can feel my mind & body calm
focused
at ease
no stinging
numb
did I subconsciously pick this spot
as a reminder?
not enough red
it's a test
why?
the music isn't loud enough
flip the switchblade
relapsed.

Bullets flying
coincidentally none strike  
smoke ablaze
but unnoticed
was the bullet between her teeth
unharmed she appears
the bullet drops to the dirt
her teeth crumble
her tongue bleeds
and a single tear escapes
so effortlessly
as though it was yearning to be freed
but of which emotion
no one will know

You searched
but you never knew what for
the answers were given
but still
unknown to you
my love for you
I didn't dare remind you
washed & worn out
unfamiliar & dry
you hoped but lost
lost & not confidently at this time

I'm in the ocean
Sun is going down
I'm laying on a door, floating
The warmth is hugging me
I feel my heartbeat in my fingertips

I'm endeavored
Devoured
Only to be showered with unwanted flowers
Is it so
Is this dream beyond me
I'm not stuck in the inbetween am I?
I'm not trapped am I?
You're not my nightmare
are you?

Your eyes with depth
longing & inescapable
true was my love
but freedom at last
my wounds you kept
bandages in your back pocket
healing was not my strength
but strength to courage
I took your breath
behind my eyes I felt the pressure
we hoped
but we knew
hope was our weapon
to holster it was the next step
russian roulette we wouldn't dare

It came as a wave
I was doing the back stroke
felt the clear water beneath me
it was calm at first
safe even
I didn't think about how deep it was
I didn't think about how dark it could get
I thought about how clear the water was
how warm the surface was
the moon and the sun fought to be my light
my legs went under
then my waist
then my arms
my body started to tingle
I only glanced
the depth was luring
I felt myself slip into the paralyzingly cold water
I couldn't feel the sun anymore
the moon laughed
the water wasn't calm anymore
it was time
my head went under
I had oxygen but it only lasted so long
my head felt light & I wasn't in control anymore
I seen creatures you'd never see at the surface
I drifted & didn't dare gasp
The jellyfish danced around me as I watched everything go black  
They just danced