It still hurts
when I see you.
It's this feeling in the pit of my stomach
A feeling I can’t quite place

The familiarity
Hurts.

Seeing you see me
Hurts.

I think I still have this
Expectation
That you’ll come over to me
When we cross paths
But you don’t
Why would you?
There’s no words left for us to speak.

I guess it hurts because
You’re the one that broke me
Yet I still think you’re the only one
Who can put me back
Together.

So I watched the girl I loved cry over a girl who wasn't me
Wondering how someone so beautiful
Could be so
Broken.
But I still held her her in my arms
As she wept
Running my fingers through her hair
And down her back
Trying to piece back together what I could of her
While slowing breaking off
pieces of me

When I met her
She set fire to my cold
December soul
She made me

Feel

Something

I never
Have before.

I fell in love with
Her.
But
She fell in love with the
Idea
of me.

So here I am listening
To the song
That played
that day
I knew I loved her.
We were lost,
Yet I felt found.
I was home
She was my
Home.

It's 2am and i'm  
Walking around this campus
lighting a cigarette
Reminiscing on that day we took the wrong train
To Central Park
And how I kissed you in the station
without a care of who was watching
for in that moment it was just
you and I
Perfect.

I can't help but
Keep you
Alive,
Every kiss
Every touch
Every moment.

And I know you never really loved me
But I know I’m going to search for you in
Everyone I meet.

She bought her tiger lilies rather than roses
She wrote her poetry instead of letters.
She left kisses where she hid her past.
She saw her for her soul not her body.

I always knew  
I was one
To have these tendencies

To want
To crave
To need

But I never expected this dependence
To be a person
And I never thought it would be
You.

It's been a year
Since you broke me
The first time.
Yet, your expresso eyes
Are still the only ones I
Want
To see past the fog of
mine.

I wish I could hate you
Oh how simple that would be
But I can't
When the only thing you didn't do
Right
Was love me the way
I love you.

Alone
In a dark
Quiet room,
She lies on the floor.
Guilt swirling through her mind.

"But I'm better," she lies to herself.

The dusty mirror begs to differ
The voices in her head don't approve.
She can't stop thinking about the fat in
Her thighs
Her face,
Her stomach.
She pulls her hair away and
Gives in.

"It won't happen again," she lies to herself.

Alone
In a dark
Quiet room
She lies
In a casket.

Growing up,
My father warned me
About many things.

But he never warned me
To stay away from brown eyes
That glistened when she smiled
Or freckles that only appeared along her
Cheeks in the sun.

He never warned me that I could become
Hooked
On a person so easily.

That I could,
And I would
Do anything for her happiness
Even if that meant
Destroying
Myself.

He never warned me that falling in love
Could be painful,
One-sided
Cruel.

He never warned me for the rejection,
The thoughts
Of never being enough.
The nights
Of drinking
Until passing out
On the bathroom floor.

He never warned me that a person could love
You one day and
Change  
Their mind
The next.

But in defense of my father  

I don't think anyone
Could have warned me
About the dangers
Of falling in love with
Her.

I live in the past
Clinging to memories
The way your scent clung to my sweater
After spending the night.
It’s not that I’m afraid to let go,
I’m afraid for what lies
Ahead
That it wont compare to
You.

I was blank
But you covered me with sunsets and
Northern lights.
You showed me off to the world as
Your treasure.

As the colors faded,
So did your façade.
You held your paintbrush against my skin,
Coloring me
With black and blue hues,
Until the fumes knocked me out.

When the paint began to peel,
You scraped at my remains
Forcing me to feel
Your hands
On me again,
Until you were satisfied
With your work.

I have no blank spaces left
Except for the one within.

But how does a masterpiece
Leave her master?

As our love began to
Dwindle,
It's last sparks danced
Hoping,
To ignite
Something
That was already
Burned out.

I used to find comfort
In darkness,
Silence,
Isolation.

But now your presence follows me
Through the night.
You cast silver shadows on my walls,
Ghastly fingers reaching for
The windowpanes

Trying

Desperately to break in.

Even the thickest of curtains
Can’t keep you out.

I am never alone
A sliver of light
Is always there
Reminding me
You are
Here too.