Walk on the rocks with me
And I'll tell you
Secret inadequacies
By the lake shore
It's spring and crimson
Vermilion tendrils

Bundle me up in blankets
I'm falling apart like dropped China
on the floor

put me back together with glue honey
please i love you

Sitting in white shirt
(Loosened yuppie Windsor knot)
Armchair laughing
Having realized the grand joke of life

Satisfied little Sanskrit honey
Is it a bohdi tree or burning bush
(When really are one and same)
Don't think too hard

Suburban white boy dreams of trap houses
With tie over shoulder
As the tv says it prevents
***** on tie

Little air planes
Round and white
Hard pressed (to explain)
Make one fly at high speed
Get it? (never mind inside joke laughing)

Talks like a gang banger
Can't take it seriously
Little big boy equals not shook
Drinking rot gut tallboys

Days after and minutes away
Zehaf-Bibeau war memorial
Winchester repeater in hand
Supposed ideological threat needed
Expand the police state

This truly is day of days or at least some oncoming phase wherein lies are sound
and disillusioned soldiers sing sad soul songs about forgetting and how to belong when you can hear the man listening at the other end like paranoid little androids peck pecking at our crossed wires

Can't trust anyone anymore each tryst a fatal trip to that ghetto part of Montreal
Crotch told me about matter of fact
i was reading the rcmp's most wanted list
and ******* if there wasn't some dude named grizzley on there from Montreal with a wicked cool afro who is wanted for second degree ******

So you can go ahead and press in closer but my wheel spinning wheel caught in dirt brain will probably just send us both off the tracks off the wagon really though all still beautiful like old soul song or hopeless dying live you can't save tho you hope you feel you've tried

'and I realize everybody is just living their lives quietly but it's only me that's insane'
i walk the streets waiting for your call
six lowly lonely hours feet numbed
it never comes and tho i still love
you i hate you and big promises
spring fatuously little pretty lie
perpetual disappointment
in perpetuity i ******
hate you like
suspended
questions

falsities fabricated in your upward inflection  falsetto all goopy
distasteful muck of all our
empty troubled souls
the sea of the corpus which in reality covers most of  our primordial earth
so best pay attention

what are you high - maybe yes ok
probably can't remember honest
words never the less spill from
my mouth I love you yab yum
for i the raucous martyr-*******
to yer neglect bull whip *******
fantasies   (woe)
me up on yer cross
he died *****
as i do, you
cruel
          terrible
                         butcher *****

Drink Mead
Red like blood
My forefathers
Or so they told me

No warrior here
Valhalla decries me
Hiding in shadows
Would you call me Loki?

Too tired for these metaphors
Young man
Little plans of mice and

Worst laid, underpaid survivor
Going in tomorrow
Renewed ansgt amongst the fire

why get out of bed
what is the point
draw the curtains
put on nice clothes
so at least i can look good
while dreaming of
death by automobile
rem sleep memories

Remember
No one cares
No one owes you anything
Go to NA she says
Disappointed again

Black curtains

Can't block enough light

For these conjunctivitis eyes

My hangover is your demise

Single sickle cell anemia patient

What's your platelet count

Little *****

Don't tell me not to yell

Not always Mr nice guy

These Pacific ocean eyes

Can turn cold and Atlantic

Bicoastal bipolar niche

Freeze you out

caked with wet empty dread
gnawing for moist marrow

i see white lies in your eyes boy (child)          clown with lobotomy ice picks
driven through (dripping)

he screams at me (crawling on ceiling)
the grand cosmic joke
no one's laughing (head turns)
ugly dead frozen little boy girl *****
(who is really the specimen)

i **** it (her) {him} [me]
raw till no longer can hear death rattle
raw sour note (bleeding)
bone chips

saw you eat me in my dreams
fried raw and ******
(my liver and onions get you drunk)

pounding some incessant f note
on **** little black dress keys
till dust till dusk till we do part

silly tell tale heart
only haven't buried me yet

eyes closed the city bus rocking you
to sleep like a baby boy
tho late afternoon sun
shines thru clear blue
ballads in my ears
i see yr heart and mine exposed
lilting and enlarged yet luminous
they pump us full
and it's not so
empty
or far away

Oh yes mediating meditating medicating
Over blue baby guitbox
Tea and black Afghan
Remembering again
Old friend

Oh yass yass (imaginary drawl)
Memories come back stronger
I ask Sil 'hey Sil there a word for that?'
She stares back with icy eyes

(Steel blue) As if to say 'Why ask?'
And in asking this really asking
Wherefore and other trite inanities
Fleeting requiem distractions
Tired repeat eulogies

Sitting here looking at all the world going by
With looks of friends and lost lovers limping
How weak our weekly memories can get
When we don't know who we are
Or who we seek

It makes me sick and angry
I curse and clash and yell and Drink.
And drink, and smoke until I can't breathe never no more'er
Will you be my new Neal Cassady?
Will you get his sing song king-orator flow just right?
So I don't have to listen to anyone else

Because I'll spit on their fake plastic empty love and o lord
How I sound like Salinger that reclusive little ****
I spit on this grave and grab-grasp desperately
For you
How I crave

Ya dig?
O yes how your two part name rolls running off
My loose, lucid, lucrative wet tongue

collapsing on bartop bar stool reverie
old home away from home
warms cold bones
old ocean growing
swells inside me
forgetting there was ever an ebb
henry miller's dream of paris
is alive and well
walking thru streets of debauched
tradition
a place where people still remember
how to live without shame in sin
as if the simple act of being is enough
to curb fire in belly hunger

life isnt so grey in technicolor
i murmur into the pillows
yelling solitary in my room

cant remember past nor future
all blurs into great stillborn lie
little chasms of death where
once were brain cells
olneys lesions

yea ouroboros
a symbol of man's self destructive
drive

that's just how you see it
she says
bipolar

knocks me down
a few pegs
gets me off

i reply smokily
shut up *****
does she like that like some girls/boys
like the verbal abuse

we get slammed on whatever's around
chardonnay and those razor blades
(where do you buy those baby)
*** in our mix
really just another drug

i love you baby
she turns away

Can taste copper in back of throat
Ringing ear still
Blood sinus smell
Reminds me of you
Pale face
Honey

Asking silly questions
About places I no longer live
And people that
Maybe should have stayed friends
Who really burned bridge

Both of us
No innocence here
Who really threw first stone

More questions that don't matter
Naked answers drained of endorphins
Let me be the honey sweet mulled wine
Take me to dinner with your Prada
White girl no *** pearly teeth

Telling me really
'All men are pigs anyways my darling'
Making me her plump little Sunday swine
'Shall I feed at thy trough'
Earns me a red cheek'd slap

Getting sentimental from drink
Limp along like another
Angry little misanthrope pedant
Don't people get tired of themselves
Like I get tired of me?

Blah blah blah
Looking for a breath of fresh air
When everything and everywhere
Is stale

how to move in
yuppie world not my own
yuppie circles all fake owned phony skills

shyster lies honed like blade on fool's gold
stone(d) as i am laughing sinking thinking
who really tells the truth


no straight n narrow
no translucent niveous lies (cheater)
what say you

shady backroom deals
pool game with two 8 *****
a better fit for liar like me
what say you
perfidy i tire of these games

if this line is last line
know it was a victory lap
rari, 'cedes AMG (ya brazy)
commercial life dream rabies
make fun of commercial rap

still want that mclaren,
yea you starin' baby
uhhh please, you broke
talkin' bout the red cross town limo (OCTran)
'po lika baby momma didn't even know
save me yuh (87 baseline yuh)

808 boom bap clap snap (sound here)
never joke bout straps (round here)
ace in my cap (down here)
never pretend to trap, white as **** (blind seer)

pass the puck without the ruckus
down the range with the shiv stuck us
gotta strong poker face tryna bluff yuss
knock wig back gut stuffin if you rushin us
boy i dust the rust off my metal alloy pen

here i set again at precipice
dare i do!
dare i dont?
confused always
asking you baby grade me

Bursting at the seams
Bending at the knees
Weak little boy say
This isn't what it seems

She says you don't look crooked
I laugh coarsely replying
Not everyone does
As I pass her the plate
And J puts torch to pipe
Rocking to and fro as puddle forms

Eat me before I eat you
Staring with **** eyes
I'll be yer mantis
(Who's the *****)
Swallow me whole
Devour me alive
Loving it more
Than all the whips of Caesar
Regurgitated hate like
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
Or pigs feeding on blood and bones
At the trough

Boring my way out thru
Yer ****** ulcer guts
You shouldn't drink like a fish
If you aren't at sea
Weakening your resolve
With surly drunk parasitic me
This is how we show
Our extensive toxic love sensibility

Dog stretches out
On carelessly tossed discarded clothes
Pushing bag of empty beer cans
They crinkle with drunk shame
I crumple and take blame

Brittle smile
Brittle eyes
Blunt bone saw
Sawing
Hungry red flesh
******* pinkerton

More of a man at 20 than at 22

All of the passages about One, there were no others

Regressing into sin, no art without misery

That old cliche, right? Right.

I read somewhere that he wanted to be a writer

He wanted to be a great writer, Remembered

Taking, making great sacrifices for art

Alcohol, Benzedrine, Isolation

Checkmate, One and Two and Three

The night (this night) will be my Desolation Peak

For now,

Looking back through the pages

Who exists in this manuscript?

Who is Marg?

Who is Sil?

Won’t you please tell me?

Won’t you come fill my Head. I’m not asking

Won’t you come fill my bed?

So I need not pretend

Were it that I could let you in

Save for those rare times when everyone appears not unctuous

          To my uneasy usurious eyes

In an act of desperate atavism I return to the roots,

To the past, to the Grass,

      (Looking)

           To the glass

Only momentarily half empty

Before it is refilled

Where will we find our answers honey?

When will we cease to believe this positive psychology *******?

You don’t need to be happy

You don’t need to be comfortable

You need to Mean

                 to have

                             Meaning

                                   to create a legacy

Not shrouded in shame

    and neglect

         and fear

It doesn’t have to be the same

New city, new hope, new name

Erase the stain with pen and paper

Evoke change

See the world through baby blue eyes

   The bucolic beauty brilliantly beats and beads down, blooming

        Bright flowers in early mildew sunlight

            Or Big Sur - view from the mountains

                Or the moon

Soon my love, soon

   Swoon, sweetly suggest

       The sight of a lover’s supple *******

            And her name like poetry on your soft still whispering lips

   Tantalizing and tickling tongues

       Tickling and tucking shyly

Soft skin swimming in hushed tones, brushed bones and quiet sighs

   Wide eyed, clenching belies

       The beginning and the end of far more

old hunger makes us sick
forget who we are and
where we're going

how to see thru fog
how to pierce the sky
where's the truth in all this
mustard gas and lies

translucent silken shadows of people
wishy washy wistful thinking like
'o look at big sophisticated words dribbling across page - verbal *****
great philosopher all expression and
thought purge speaking in a vacuum'
petulant little lines for liar's lurid heart
petty little fines growing large from the start

what is this point you speak of and how do we get there
if it is really about the journey and not the destination
then can i get off right now

or

can i be seal eye headlight hi beams
is there trust enough left between us two
to go on down this road together
or part ways at lightning fork in path

no

i go into petrified forest bog
to hide and melt and decompose
bucolic rot under stalwart stoic onlooking trees

you go to riches, glory, ******* and now sprouting planted seeds
misgivings all forgotten like
irreverent, irrelevant childish deeds

and

i grow bitter and ferment
starving gut absinthe
filled with frozen wormwood lies
like Poe and de Quincy and all the rest

"This way lies ruin."
Why does it say that
At the bottom of the bottle

Things are ok
Not dead and currently that’s a good thing
Optimism abound,
Climbing mountains only to jump off the other side
Hoping to find some understanding or meaning
Or even a median in space, or time
Precariously traversing the rock face
Walking down a fine white line
Seeing the whole world unfolding before you
Only you’re too focused on climbing
To appreciate the view (Tunnel Vision living)

Faltering now, nascent feelings of inadequacy cloud your mind
Who are you kidding?
Latent feelings of inadequacy? (Yes)
Cliché existential crises? (God Yes)
Denial? (Don’t stop!)

Atoms for Peace on repeat (Before your very eyes)
Sinking into it like a warm bath
A glass of absinthe and a head full of dreams
Though you aren't asleep
Sinking into that hole, it feels like dying
The room spins
Senses rapidly disintegrate, one by one
A nothingness deeper and more profound than anything
Timothy Leary knew
As your head dips below the surface
A ******* child, D.M. Turner minced with Kerouac
Or a laudanum laced Thomas De Quincey
You saw god that night,
The layers peeled away
It was pure chaos and caustic fear
Brimming with breathtakingly beautiful apathy and acceptance
Quantum clairvoyance springs forth

You see how the cards will fall
God reminds you, “Everyone dies alone”
And you know the truth, he doesn't have to tell you:
God isn't there when you die
Smiling peacefully as your Sisyphean plight dissolves into the night

There's a rainbow in the sky
   Painted up on
                                   High
I take that as a sign
                                            Of great Things to come
  Like O you'll love me deeply
       And O I'll embrace
              New life completely
    Falling into open arms so spirit sunken sweetly, weakly
   Showing us all the right way
                     To begin again

sad clown always laughing joking
making fool out of self (how dare he)
speak to me thusly
as if i don't know
how funny the grand joke
the grand joke being me

anesthetic lines at parties
garish boost of self confidence
who was i in those days (liar)

scooping out the self
going in through the nose
when will these ulcers
eat through me
when will my heart
finally cease its cardiotoxic cardiac protest

they ate it up
me the humble pie
shat out cancerous colon

big empty words between gulps
russian standard my weapon in those days
but all the blow blown
and all the ***** ethanol *****
can't let you forget
it him you us
broken shattered thrown to the wind
seeds of our discontent

I feel
Hollow inside
Is cavernous waste

I see myself
Tired and dried out
Like

So much salt cod
Beckons me to the ocean
Empty bottles

She laughed like a Furbie
With broken voice box
Somehow digital and shrill

(Low bitrate ***** )

All discreet ones and zeros(um) game
I know how to fix her with
Aqueous solution seed
Fry her circuits like LSD
Bring down Skynet
With my ****

cracks a beer*

My vision for the future

Is a shallow grave

tired of poverty
yet spend too much
tow the company line
is it really buying in
how much on offer
stable, bored, isolated
empty vase, limestone deposit

don't want to die anymore
coward in younger eyes
he's gone but i'm still here
what's been made of it

sometimes i wonder
how decomposed he's gotten
grave in central Newfoundland
worm eyed dream coil shuffle
left him there alone
place he hated most
i won't forgive myself
i won't forget

when blurry vision cleared
choppy alcoholic verse stymied
white waters to clear
how i miss sea waves

how do i read
believe it was an accident
if i'm lost at sea
slipped overboard
or climbed

icy atlantic water numb
sinking back to you

Saturday night passing out on floor
Sleeping on the dog
She's my brood mother
Crumpled cans
Crumble

Cut a swath thru
Tinder *******
Drunk on the floor
With the dog

best days better left behind bereft of joy
fighting in vain for fleeting fulfillment
instead seeping bile from punctured
***** appendix found septic too late
even still now hungry for real life like
stomach tapeworm eating purpose
lost along the way now empty, grey
when did time get away from us all
leaving bitter little paisan us's
stripped bare of long dead dreams
like Christmas morning c-section strippers
five dollar bills stuffed in withered *****

sometimes I'm afraid they'll lock me up
madness seeping out of my pores
along with ethanol

please stop
I'll tell you whatever
you wanna hear

maybe come hold me
maybe we can share secrets
in person for once

or get so high
we forget everything
but each other

warm my swollen head
on yr cute little belly

Coming apart at
The seams
Again and
Again

Learned today
1. definition of patois (non-standardized lnguage.)
2. NSAIDs apparently interfere with the action of SSRIs
3. Synonyms for Appetite Suppressant:
Anorectic, anorexic, anorexigenic, anorexiant

How many neural networks formed when your soul eats?

life goes on
even if you're
standing still

I listen actively
Show compassion sympathy empathy
open minded
Non-judgemental
Intelligent
Sensitive
Vulnerable
Loving caring strong fighter
Voice of reason
To everyone but me
Won't give up
Even though have already given up
A thousand times
Stand by friends who deserve it
Stand with lovers with bared soul
Though roses may ***** bleeding finger
Won't stop stopping
To smell summer flowers

I’ve a general practitioner, a psychiatrist and a psychologist
(who’s leaving but I’ll panic about that later)

I’m on 4 different psych meds

Adderall, XR 25mg P.O.
(So I can be motivated, focus and concentrate), Daily

Klonopin, 0.5mg P.O.
(For panic attacks, social anxiety, generalized anxiety), As needed

(Translation:Constantly)

Buspirone, 10mg P.O. (For depression and generalized anxiety),
3 times daily – Useless

Remeron, 15mg P.O. (For depression, anxiety and insomnia),
Daily, at night – Only helps you sleep

Even with all that, I can barely get out of bed in the morning,
coffee’s no help

I can’t really sleep much, waking times a night,
sleeping restlessly if at all

Going to class is a nerve wracking nightmare – as is going out –
but I do it anyways

A panic attack surrounded by people is better than
solitary madness and cabin fever

Like a slave, to a handful of bitter little pills just barely keeping you afloat, unable to hack it alone

While everyone else seemingly can push on through life without them

Falling behind, despite the stupid little pills

Watching as the world goes on around you, spinning sickeningly

While you wish desperately to be normal,
with a million colliding thoughts in your head

If Jesus had a casino
I'd be a holy roller
Swag, swag
Swag

Got so much cheddar
I be making cheese curds

Praise be to the based god
Yung trap lord
Action Bronson
The holy trinity
SSwag od

Cracks in the foundation -
They don't make 'em like they used to. Chipped concrete, rusted rebar
Fading facade

I make facile arguments
Excuse myself

Blame mental illness
Blame the drugs, the molly years
Blame ****** (I don't choose life)

*******,
Ian McGregor

Blame the ****** February weather
Blame the itchy sweater
That is life

If that truly is life then,
Become I conscientious objector?
Already live in Canada

Blame the city
Blame the *****
Blame yourself

They say we have agency
I grasp, I reach
But the fruits
Are bitter sweet
**** the bed honey
Like Spud lovely

Which lines do I keep?
And who to throw away?