Love is some
peoples favorite
four letter word
and the Topic
of a major poets mind
but
love can be
guilt,
happiness,
and dread,
it can make you feel powerful
but even worthless.
when you lose it,
its a feeling you cant describe
with mere words
let alone a get well card
And when you
love someone
REALLY love someone
with all of your being
and when that's lost
You feel the whole world
weighing down on you
maybe you find another
eventually
but you're scared
scared that you'll butcher it
and wind up some
Play-thing
that is tossed away
when they find
a shiny new toy
but I'm not her toy,
Maybe I was to Brooke,
But Brenna is different.
She has so much love
in her heart
she tries more than anything
just to hear my voice
she takes care of me
I don't feel like a pawn
Or a second choice
to her I come first
Her love is real
Not that Brooke's wasn't
But Brenna's doesn't
cause me pain
or panic attacks
She is a rush of everything
she makes me calm....

I do not like...
                                     not knowing.

Not knowing,
if our lives have meaning.
If our words are just spoken or heard.

If the wish I made on that star,
when I was seven,
ever came true.

Or if moms kisses
really made those scrapes and bruises
heal faster.

Did the tooth fairy
really trade common currency
for my baby teeth?
                                              Or
The bunny hide things
just for me to find...

I wish I knew,
But there are NEVER enough stars...
For the questions,
I wished to know.

I caught her staring at me again
I can't quite place
A name to the expression
she has when I catch her
looking
but it's different from when
she doesn't know i'm watching her
watching me
from the corner of my eye

She never brought up the 'notes'
even the one I wrote out of rage
I don't remember putting it
into her bag

But is she afraid
curious
spiteful
disgusted
What name can I for a fact
put to the face she makes
when she stares

And when I catch her

Never again,
will my lucky numbers be:
17, 23, 19, 21...
My stomach turns,
when I turn the volume to 27.
... So I lower it to 16.
3 letters that scare me,
5 weeks for a life to decay.
One deer smiling
the other solemn,
eyes glazed over.
I am within the stars.
Orion, but without his belt.
I count the stars,
one, two, three, four----
A bug buzzes in my ear...
And I come down falling,
like a shooting start.
But it's not a beautiful sight.
And the bug,
The bug had to of stung me----
Because it hurts.
My eyes are closed...
But I have to ***.
I must make my legs leave.
Fast.
GO.
NOW!
AS FAST AS YOU CAN...
... just run?
I'm here...
The bug bite stings,
I want to sleep.
To dream,
A dream better than this!
But flash backs from the stars
Plague my mind-----.
I didn't dream...
I didn't dream a dream
better than this...
The bite is gone,
but it left a mark.
A mark the size of
a 7 to 8 year sentence.
And I used to love riding my bike.
But now...
I can't stand the sound it makes.
The seat.
The handle bars.
How at any moment,
The peddle could make you crash...
SCRAPPED, CRASHED, BURNED.
I'm safe...
'Not safe yet', Police say.
I hear chatter over their radios.
Why can't I tune everything out?
... Why lie,
But the truth was never any better.

And my eyes,
Why are they so dull and grey?
I could have sworn,
they were bright blue,
Like the sky...
But there's no color left.
3 letters that scared me...
3 letters that took away,
the color in my eyes...

I was walking from the class
Next to my math class before the bell rings
I see charlese and answer her question
She stops me while saying "your mascara is running"
She has one hand holding the side of my face
Time stops when I feel her touch
Mainly I was startled and confused
I flinched
She uses her thumb
To wipe away at the corner of my eye
I'm stiff and frozen in place
For a split second our eyes meet
She lets her hand fall
And I come back to earth in a dense fog ------------
She smiles/laughs
Our legs go at the same time but her leading
As we act like nothing happened
We walk into class I sit down
Still in a haze...
Nothing happened--------
So why does my heart ache?