Lost love?
Those memories are like a rusty knife plunged into you.
Deep into your gut.
It twists and turns till you can taste blood.
Until it pulls out only to stab you over and over.
Blood spurting, blurring your vision and your world out.
Such is the pain.
Addicted to it that I keep letting my memories take over me again and again.

The magical potion that once momentarily erased my pain,
has come to collect its dues,
Desperately trying to scratch out of a body that refuses to acknowledge you're going insane
I lay tormented with nightmares,trembling hands, hallucinations, nausea and fear in all its hues,
Fully aware that I will be trapped not knowing the difference between reality and imagination again,
Yet somehow I convince myself that one more night of alcohol is what I could use

I imagine an alternate universe, a better version of myself, accepted and loved by all.
More importantly, loved by the ones I loved and lost.
He picked me up from my misery only to drop me from a greater height into a deeper pit of depression.
I am grieving for people who aren't even dead.
I cannot cope anymore with life getting heavier and overwhelming.
I fear I will break down into something far more badly than I already am.
It's not just him you know? It's everything that life threw at me since I can't remember when.
I won't lie; I find comfort in this misery.
Isn't it funny that I want to stay in it and get out at the same time?

My heart aches for you,
Wish you could see through me how much I miss you

Riding back home from my short lived adventures,
into the dark oblivion.
The starry night holds no promise of a restful sleep.
I am returning to my pain that I cannot seem to escape,
that dance behind the curtains almost teasing me
till I fall into an almost fitful sleep,
where my demons come engulf me yet again.

How is that you were able to nonchalantly walk ahead while I walked back and now sit in the middle of the six years of space we created?
If you had only waited..

My mind is slipping in and out of crazy,
That fine line between sanity and insanity looks almost blurry and hazy.

My feelings for you resonate in the rainy skies today,
A storm of emotions that threaten an outburst beyond my control,
And like every rain that falls upon this earth,
I let out my deep anguished cries but for a while,
Until its time to stop and let the sun shine and pretend to the world I'm fine instead.

Craving for that quick fix, the euphoric yet momentary feeling of being loved,
Mustering up enough empathy, love and kindness to give, even though I am starved,

Walking down dark alleys, searching in all the wrong places,
Quick taste of the sample has me blurring out all the bad memories and faces,

Until, I am yet again brutally mugged,
Robbed by people often disguised as friends and family the minute I’m sufficiently drugged,

I wallow in pain and self-pity,
Over and over, it’s the same story,

Falling from a new height to an even newer low,
There’s heartbreak wherever I go.

My death
Would be my last attempt to get your attention

Black and white,
Try as you might,
Entwined,
The heart, body, soul and mind,
A humble boy and a sharp tongued girl albeit with a warm heart,
Their personalities were a world apart,
Found balance for over two and a half years,
A love so pure and true despite the occasionally shed tears,
Walking precariously along a tight rope,
filled with dreams and hope,
Alas!
Her sharp tongue was what finally snapped the rope in half!
Filled with regret and undying love
They'll forever carry those sweet memories and always pray for each others well-being to the one above.

He lit up her world,
And then left leaving a little bit of his light with her,
She fuels it with their memories or imaginations,
He visits her time and again to gift her that one more memory,
To keep that light burning forever?

For if I had to choose
I would choose to think you were a coward
A coward to up and run
Because I so badly want to believe in the notion called love
Something I have believed in for so long
But it begins to fade as I desperately try to grasp it
As fragments of it remain
I try to crush it in anger
I begin hating my ridiculous beliefs
I always said you saved me from myself
You just picked me up
I tripped over my notion of love
****** bruises and scars that will remain
As you just dust off and walk away
Time heals everything you say
I tear myself apart, ripping through the wounds
Punishing myself for my stupidity
Falling for the notion of love
This relationship but had a timestamp
You were just meant to be a refreshing chapter, I will convince myself
Because I am scared I might not believe in love again.

For if I could relive my past,
I'd make you hit me more,
Because the wounds won't last,
It's the scars by your pointed words that will remain.

I want to stop taking all these pills in all colors, shapes and sizes
I want to stop taking all these bad vices
If only someone assured me that just being you suffices
Sometimes i want to die, burning to ashes

I am just going through the motions of life.
Days blend into nights.
I merely exist; just numb to life around me.
I just self destruct believing I am punishing myself for my stupidity.
But I secretly still hold a gleam of hope that someone will see through me.

When will I be able to put them to rest,
These monsters in my head.
Why can't I stop my mind from tormenting me and let it go,
Just as easily as people tell me so.

I binge eat on all possible junk food,
It inexplicably elevates my mood,
Now trapped by people ceaselessly commenting on my increasing weight,
Does anyone else feel like they are putting food in a body they now absolutely hate?
I can’t stop.

Those sweet endearments and promises would once upon a time tug at the strings of my heart.
Now those same lost endearments and broken promises threaten to wrench out my very heart.
The excruciating pain feels like the walls are closing in on me.
It’s getting hard to breathe.
Slowly making me lose the will to live?
As I desperately flail my arms in the dark to reach out to my once colorful past, reality hits me in the face like a bright painful ray of light telling me there’s nothing.
Should I comfort myself that I at least have the ability to still feel something?

People perceive wounded and hurt only if it is something they can see
Vision fails them when you approach them with sickness of the mind
All I need is your love and understanding before I ensure it is the end of me
Exhausted from deviating myself from the path of self destruction
Oh that euphoric feeling! It just lingers around to consume me
I am my own victim I am told
But from where I stand, don’t you see that that’s what you made me to be?

If maybe I could somehow stop my thinking,
I could save myself from sinking,
My life feels like a futile struggle in quick sand,
Oh how I wish my feet could feel some solid land!
All these breakdowns and self harm is my heart crying in despair,
I'm afraid my life is beyond repair.
In need of help but your attention I cannot steer,
How do I make myself disappear?

I started it.
I let you stay in love with me while I was with someone else,
All the while smothering my feelings, my vain attempts to **** it.

You claimed to be with other women to get over me,
Until you found the woman you fell in love with,
Who almost set you free.

Whispered promises of love we shared,
While we held each others heart hostage,
We united with other bodies and hurting each others feelings were not spared.

I wish I had the courage to make it stop,
Instead of us pretending to be okay with it,
And letting a shot at a life together drop.

I am like the book on your night table that you keep but never read,
Even though you were in love with her,
You said I was also what you need.

You thought all that died that day was your unborn child with her,
A part of my soul died too,
Knowing that you two almost held a beautiful moment so dear.

What I did not know was that I was capable of dying a death more painful,
when you made love to her again,
right after I shared my body with you, a union I thought was magical and beautiful.

You casually shrugged and asked me what did I expect,
well then please put an end to this misery that was once love,
and erase everything right up till the first time we met

I didn't know what 'I hate you but I love you' meant,
Until thoughts of you consumed me yet I began disliking you up to an extent,
I found myself crying for you,
When actually I should be worried sick about the operation I'm about to go through,
I constantly wait for your overly concerned text or call,
You just tell me not to have an expectation list so tall,
You tell me work keeps you busy and you've always been this way,
But my depressed lonely mind knows we were inseparable back in the day,
You know something is not right,
When you think about it and want to **** yourself and give up this half a decade long fight.
A mindless fight for love.

Lost, yet why are we still connected,
Why have I given a part of my soul to you,
Why do you deviate from what is needed and expected,
Why am I in a constant loop of circling back and hoping my dreams come true

I've treated my body like nothing but just flesh
When really, it has of its own a mind and a soul so warm
Bruised, torn apart, self abused, cut and treated like trash
Pleasure for some or me in need of some self-harm,
I trace each scar along my body over and over
So deserving of this torture
I can feel the agonising pain
All this blood is beginning to leave a huge red stain

In a world where I need love,
Almost every person hides behind these elusive clouds,
And so every cigarette puff calms me down - temporarily,
Every drink drowns my sorrows - temporarily,
Every drag of a joint helps me escape - temporarily,
Every snort of ******* gives me a rush - temporarily,
My compulsive need to meet people to not feel so lonely - temporarily,
Almost every ****** encounter a vain attempt to fill a void,
All these medications failing to shut out these voices,
Don't you see I wasn't meant to be this way?
I look strong, unaffected by anything, such a rebel,
But it has been everyone of you that stripped down the confidence off me,
I'm slipping and people can see,
Yet there's no one willing to save me.
At the crossroads of death and insanity,
Hopefully, temporarily?

is dying.
I am tired of failing yet constantly trying.
It is not just self-realization anymore,
but a friend's comment, in half my confidence tore.
She said she never imagined I would end up this way,
little does she know I am begging my sanity and health to stay,
Instead, life is having its own way,
Me fighting for normalcy, yet my already stamped fate almost does not sway.
Take the painfully sweet escape and jump into the sea
And extinguish the light within me

You pop up in my mind in almost every song I hear,
Yearning for you to be near,
or replaying the best memories of us that lay in the past,
Somehow, our love was not destined to last.

Was it really love I ask,
or was it just heartbreak that had cleverly put on a mask?
Because every time I reach out to you,
You slip amidst the shadows of your new life cut off from our love that I thought to be true,
But am I or you to blame?
Maybe it was me, because I finally put an end to our back and forth game.

I wish you could see the scars, bruises and cuts that decorate my body,
Maybe then you will understand why I flinch every time you try to come close to me,
Maybe then you will see the demons through my eyes that have trapped me,
Maybe then you will know why I act out on all these insecurities I have within me,
Till then, go ahead and misunderstand me.
You think I am crazy.