The candle smells like pink hibiscus
And the flame bounces a bit
As the fan waves past
I play with his chest hair
Nuzzle into his side
"Will you leave me if I have cancer?"
I ask
"No"
He says
"I like to think I'm not that much of a cuck."
He says
He strokes my side
Kisses my forehead
The bright white light from the TV shines off my pasty back
"Guess what?"
He says
"I love you.
Even if you have cancer,
Even if you don't have cancer,
I love you."
My exposed chest shakes
As I forget how to breathe
He runs his fingers over my *******
My possibly cancerous *******
My soon to be nonexistent *******
My figure defining *******
That I love so much
That I'm petrified to even think about losing
He holds them
He holds me
A tear falls down my face
But he wipes it away before it can get anywhere
Before it can fall
On my possibly cancerous chest

I never knew his last name
But I still remember his face
I still remember
The way he grabbed my neck
And pushed me down
Because he loved me
He got off
And I got scared
Because he loved me
And I was desperate
In his ****** apartment
On the tan colored L-shaped couch
While Nickelodeon played in the background
Covering up the sound of my painful moans
"I'm tired"
I say
"I've never done this before"
I say
"I haven't shaved in a while"
"I don't feel ****"
"I just got off work"
But I'll do it if I love him,
He says
He'll even wear a ******,
He says

I can't muster up the courage to cry
Even though you're supposed to cry when it hurts
He doesn't look at me when he's done
Just tells me to go
He loves me
But doesn't want me around
In case his roommates come home
That would be kind of awkward
To catch someone in the middle of ****** a girl
A girl who's tired
Who's never done this before
Who hasn't shaved in a while
Who doesn't feel ****
Who just got off work
Yeah, that would be kind of awkward

I threw up all over the floor at Planned Parenthood
Waiting for this ******* mammogram
This routine procedure
That could tell me whether or not I have cancer
Whether or not I have to cut off my cleavage
And find another source of sexuality
This routine procedure
That could casually change my life
And royally **** me over
This routine procedure
That kept me up through the night
Tossing and turning and bawling my eyes out
This ******* routine procedure
That I've been waiting 20 minutes for
Surrounded by other women
Who are probably getting the exact same thing done
And they're totally ******* fine
Nobody else is retching like a ******
Because this is a routine procedure
And I have nothing to be worried about

Let's get drunk on whiskey
Stay up until 4 am having ***
Laughing about everything
Kissing passionately under the lights
Our shadows bouncing off the walls
Our bodies bouncing off each other

Let's snort some *******' *******
While listening to that Eric Clapton song
Do lines off our bodies
While we eat ****** Chinese
And watch Netflix documentaries

Let's drive off at dawn
A full tank of gas
With the sunroof wide open
Singing a mix of random throwback tunes
Talking about things we don't tell anyone else
Guzzling coffee as the miles tick on

Let's buy a plane ticket
Destination : any ******* where
Pack a bag and leave for a week
Feed each other delicacies
Walk along the cobblestones at midnight
Go to places we can't even pronounce
Sleep in all day
Stay up all night

Let's be together for a long *** time
Forever only means so much
I mean a long *** time
That's more measurable
Measure the memories
Through tears and laughter
Kisses and meals
Cuddles and dates
I'd like a long *** time of that
But not just with anybody
Only with you

You like mangos
And plums
Anime
And documentaries
******' Monty Python
And classy cuisine

God knows when we fell in love
Somewhere between the face masks
And the endless laundry maybe?
The late night runs to Perkins
Or the early morning love making?
It's a beautiful blur of memories
That dance along my heart and mind
That I wouldn't trade for anything

You like olives
And cold brew
Sleeping in
And video games
Staying inside
And the smell of coconuts

It's never been taxing to love you
It's the easiest thing I can do
You make love fun
Between the out of town drives
Hole in the wall coffee dates
And movie marathon nights
It's all that heart warming Hallmark ****
That you get in a greeting card

You like donuts
And sandwiches
Memes
And making love
Cool breezes
And me

It's a delicate thing
To talk about suicide
Apparently you can't talk about it
Without wanting to do it
You can't reminisce upon the feelings
Without falling down the hole

Even if you're feeling
Ten feet tall
Fully equipped
Metal fists
At the ready
You still can't talk about it

Other people don't want to hear about it
They all assume
That you'll do it
Even if you don't want to
Even if your metal fists
Are feeling secure
No shake in sight
It'll make other people
Uncomfortable
Insecure
Scared
Even when you're not

Sometimes you feel kinda foggy
Your hand passes in front of you
But you don't even notice it
That kind of foggy
And it doesn't really matter if you get up and do ****
Or stay in bed and wither away
Because when you pass your hand in front of you
You don't even notice it
Nothing happened

And there's this buzzing in your ears
A weird buzz
That isn't quite a buzz
Almost like a speaker turned all the way up
With no sound coming out
So it's just the sound of the speaker
But it's real faint
In the back of your mind
Foggy like your hand
Passing in front of your face
You don't even notice it

And there's people walking around you
Apparently
But they just kind of brush past
They're *******
They don't say much
And you don't really feel them jar you
They're all foggy
Like your hand