you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire

I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

it took you a total of
493 days to realize that
he is not going to chase
after you when
you run away.

I had millions of stars
inside of me when you
first met me.
You managed to put
out every single one by
the time you left.
With your words,
broken promises,
and fists.
But did you think these
galaxies would never re-light
and burn brighter than before
when you left?
You will never fully put
out this flame.

Have you ever wanted to take away
someone else's problems so much
that they become your own?
You want to get them a one way
ticket to God knows where
and say "Just for you and I."
so the world will stop crashing at their feet.
and God knows it'll stop crashing at yours too.
You love someone so much that
you just want want to take away their
pain so bad
that it starts to become your own.

alcohol ruined my life
and I wasn't even the one
drinking it.

I know there is going to be a day where I will be able to sit on my basement couch and not think of all the nights you had spent on it.
I will be able to eat my favorite foods again without thinking of you.
I'll be able to sleep in my bed, alone, without feeling lonely because I had used to sleep alone only two days out of the week.
I'll be able to walk through a nice town with lights stringing in the trees without thinking about how we used to walk hand in hand
for days together.
I will be able to sit in my car and look at the passenger seat without picturing you sitting there with tears welling in your eyes saying
"I can't do this anymore."
I will come alive again.
I always do.

how many times
have you told yourself
you would be better
off this way.

Last March i went to the doctor
for a simple cold and when they
listened to my beating heart
they wanted to rush me to the hospital
because my heart rate was a lot higher than it
should've been.
I told them that it was fine
i would be fine.
what i didn't tell them was that
there was a volcano rupturing inside me
for the last 6 years, that know one
could control.
the doctors wouldn't be able to calm
this disaster inside me.

We filled the room with
music that ran through our veins
as we sat on the floor and cried
because of all the people who dug
their claws so far into us
and then ripped them out
so fast
without any warning.
We drank straight from the
bottle of ***** like it was going to
tell us why they left when we got to
the bottom of it.
My best friend ripped all the
pictures she had of him off her
wall and threw them in the garbage.
And i thought to myself
"if only feelings were as easy to
get rid of as ripping pictures
of the people who hurt us off
the walls."
Then i thought to myself how
many times i would have ripped
your picture off the wall
if i had to do it everytime you
hurt me, but also how many times
i would be taping them back up
when you say sorry.

Your hair was long in the summer
and I can barely remember the way
I used to run my hands through
it and the way your tanned skin
would come together with mine.
When the leaves started to change
you cut it off, kind of like how
we started to cut each other off.
And I still have your winter coat
from weeks ago because
if I gave it back, it could mean
letting go, which we all know
I couldn't easily do with you.

I didn't realize how much i was going
to miss you until the cold breeze started
to flow through my windows.
You reminded me of Autumn.
My favorite season out of them all.
The cold air hit me like you did,
when i first met you.
I realized i didn't want to
live through another fall season
again, if i had to do with without you.
Now that you're gone i know the leaves
are still going to change.
That doesn't mean you're going to come back.
I just let the cold breeze roll in
along with autumn memories with you
and i still go on,
everyday,
as if you never existed.

And you see, thats the thing about me,
i don't know what i want.
one minute i want to live in this
beautiful city, and the next i want
to burn it to the ground.
I'm like a walking paradox
i want to quit but i also
want so badly to never stop trying.
and i'm never sure about anything
but i'm 100% sure about you.

This time last year I wore a mask,
Saturday nights started to ruin my life
And you tried to convince me you loved me.
You now have my phone number blocked
Because I found someone else to show me
What love feels like.
It shouldn’t feel like flames burning
And destroying everything around you.
It’s flames burning on the inside,
Burning in your chest
To keep you warm through January.
I was blind.
You had blinded me with so much alcohol
On those Saturday nights
To try and convince me it was right.
But I knew it wasn't in our cards.
And you still hate me for it
To this day.

I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.

I was always stuck.
always in a rough patch but I was also
always inspired.
and no matter what, I just kept
writing and writing and writing
and trying to yell
to scream about how I felt
but all I was screaming at was
blank pages.
and blank pages listen better than most people
and I could've sworn I was absolutely
out of my mind,
but I don't think I cared anymore.

you used to be my blue sky
on cloudy days.
now when i think of you
all i can imagine
is thunderstorms.
i dont understand
where we went so
******* wrong.
change is inevitable.
our ending was inevitable.
i know one day
i'll forget you
and you'll forget me.
i pray to god that you find
your blue sky,
just as i wish to
find mine.
and i'm sorry that
it couldn't be you.

The thing about being used to being broken,
is being used to being broken.
When being broken becomes home.
When you're happy but sometimes
you wanna run back into your
burning house because, it is home
isn't it?
Because you don't need to build
another home just to burn it
down again.
Because pain held you
when no one else would.
Because this is who you are
this is who you've always been.

I knew it was for the best.
I sacrificed my heart for you
when I gave it to someone else
because I knew we would only end
up broken.
I knew this was it for us.
whatever we were
whatever we had
would be gone for the rest of our lives.
I could take it I knew I could.
I would soon forget about you.
and when I woke up new year’s day
after you got drunk and angry and destroyed everything in your house,
i told my friend, and she said,
“i’m glad he didn’t break you”
but I think walls and glass weren’t
the only things that have been broken
by him the last nine months.

You don't understand it.
you won't understand it until they tell
you they'll save you and then never
show up.
until you feel the glass shattering inside you.
trying to tear down walls that won't budge.
people start thinking you're better and
you smile and nod because you
even start to believe the lie.
You become your own scary movie.
and they don't understand because
you're fine.
you always were.
they don't know you're made of broken glass
and that's fine because
they wouldn't understand.

Have you ever walked on
broken glass before?
I'm sure most of you
would say no, but
do you really think
you haven't?
Have you ever gotten
out of bed with your
broken heart so heavy
it feels like its hanging out of
your chest?
Have you ever walked
around in public smiling
even though you know
your funeral was the day prior?
Have you ever drove
through the place you guys
used to love the most and
all you can see is ghosts?
This is walking on
broken glass.

It’s almost like you are stitched into my blood stream
someone took a needle and thread you through my body
and even though we don’t speak anymore
your ghost follows me
do you ever think about it?
I should’ve asked you when I had the chance
Because when I cut you out of me
I didn’t stitch it up right.
I am left with no answers
and bleeding wounds
for the rest of my life.
Hoping the body will do what
it’s suppose to do
and mend itself.
But wounds won’t heal
if you keep ripping them open.
And I’m not sure I
cut all of you out of me
when I had the chance.

but maybe I didn’t want to.

my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.

I hope where you are the sun is out and the sky is clear, because here in Chicago it's been a bit colder since you left.
Rains a bit more.
But maybe that's how it always is.
Or maybe not,
Maybe that's just how I feel.

I knew I was playing with fire
so why was I so surprised when
I got burned?
He told me to make sure I don't fall
in love with him.
He told me he wasn't comfortable talking.
He told me he wanted to make me happy.
I had cigarette burns up and down my body
and I should've known it would hurt
because you had ones to match.
There's something about tracing over your own skin after someone's touched you.
Almost as if the traces will never disappear,
like the scars from cigarette burns.

I wonder how you feel getting your hands tangled in her long blonde hair as opposed to my raven black hair and if there was a difference between you telling her she was yours when you were drunk, as opposed to you taking me to have dinner with your family when you were sober. and I wonder if I sit outside your bedroom window and burn through enough cigarettes while you’re in there with her, it’ll burn your memory out of my mind. Maybe the cigarettes would **** me before you could.

All I wanted was you,
but all you wanted
was her.

i fall in love with every sunset.
i fall in love with hidden restaurants
that have lights stringing along
the ceiling.
i fell in love with the way i healed
my own heart after he left.
i fell in love with each time i broke
my own heart only to grow stronger.
i fell in love with the way he sat next to
me by the river.
i fell in love with the way he knew how
much i loved to be kissed, and then
i fell in love with how much he took
advantage of it when he was drunk.
i fell in love with the way he sat at
the kitchen table all night with me until
we fixed the problem.
i fell in love with the way he asked me
if i liked the new shirt his mom bought him.
i fell in love with the way he asked me to
read his grocery lists.
i fell out of love when his jealous mind
raged wars on me for months at a time.
i fell out of love when i heard him talking
about the other girls.
i fell out of love when i decided to love
someone new.
i did not love how sometimes i can still
feel his hands on my waist
and his lips on my shoulders.
i did not love how much i would think
about him day and night.
i did not love the fact that there
is no explanation for the way i feel
about him.
there is no reason i want to chase what
doesn't want me, only to leave behind
what would give me the world.
i fell in love with the way the
cigarette burns lined up on his
skin and then never looked back.

Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.

When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?

I hope the next girl your with
has light eyes
so you have the chance
to miss the way I would
gaze at you
with my eyes
dark as night.
And I hope her hair
is blonde
so you miss the
dark black waves
that ran over your
chest when I
laid next to you.
You always told me
I was a mystery,
and I was always dark.
Maybe you couldn't take it.
Maybe you would settle
for day instead of night.
But always remember,
the stars can't shine
through the night
without darkness.

It's so hard to believe
In any type of light when
All you see is
Darkness.

How many times have you told
yourself you are a walking disaster?
I am starting to forget what your
eyes look like.
I am starting to forget the way
your voice sounds.
I am starting to forget the way
your hair felt in between
my fingers.
And the warmth that came off
your body at 3am
when you would hold me.
I wish i could say your ghost
doesn't keep me up at night,
considering how bad you broke me.
But i know its just me,
me being the disaster that i am
that i always will be.

Lately you've been haunting my dreams.
I see you again and you're as warm as you
were when I first met you.
Isn't it odd how our dreams only show us
what we want to remember about a person?
Because despite all the bruises and tears,
in my dreams you hold me so tight
just like you used to.
You wrap your hands in my hair
and you tell me to never leave you.
But you left me.
And I swear to god i can feel your heart beat
again,
just like how I used to count the beats of it
at 3 A.M. when you would keep me warm.
And in my dreams we do exactly that
and lately it's been so easy to sleep.

There's something about
the thin line
between dreams
and whats real that
drives us all crazy.
I swear to god
you were there
touching me
holding me.
Until i woke up.
and its been days
since i last saw you.
Your dreams
will **** you
faster than any disease.
The faint touch you
still feel on your
skin
when you wake up
in the morning
will **** you
faster than any
sickness.

Let me tell you a little bit about drowning
and how what you think is your
savior floating device
ends up being the rocks that are tied
at your ankles.
and how they get carried away
by a hurricane they created
in spite of you.
and how you drown in that hurricane.
they don't know that when they leave you
you're never the same.

Sometimes you meet a once
in a life time person,
and your paths will only
cross once,
like an eclipse.
But it will be the most
beautiful moment of your
life.
And the whole world will stop
and look in awe,
like the moon crossing
over the sun for just a quick moment.

I carry my father’s secrets
Like 1000 pound weights
On each shoulder
Every day.

The last night i spent with you
I think we stood in the shower
for over an hour.
Now that you're gone
I stand in the shower and try
to trace your fingertips
on my skin for hours.
And my chest feels like
it's going to cave in
when I think about how
I don't know what length
your hair is anymore.
I start to wonder if i will ever
forget your birthday
just like I'm slowly forgetting
the color of your eyes
and the sound of your voice.

I don't know how much longer I can take
laying in this empty bed.
it's like there's a trace of someone
on the other side of me
but I know they left a long time ago.
it's like I feel the warmth coming off
their body but when I go to
get close to it
it disappears.
it's like I knew you used to lay here
before and I swear to god
I can still feel a trace of your ghost
laying right next to me
but I know you're not
and you never will.

I didn't miss you right away.
After you left i was sad, yes,
but i knew i didn't miss you.
I was thinking positively about the future
and after how bad you ruined me
i thought there was no way i could miss you.
I was wrong.
About two weeks after you left
you never called
you never texted.
I think i expected one of them
and i clung to that,
so thats why i didn't miss you.
But now that i haven't heard from you
i know its real.
You're gone.
And **** do i miss you.
I miss your smell
I miss the way you would rub
my neck when
we were in the car.
And i hope you found someone
to reassure you about your insecurities,
because i know your OCD would always
get to you.
And when you left i asked you
who was going to tell you
your glasses weren't crooked after
you asked for the millionth time.
I told you that you wouldn't have anyone to
hold at 3am to keep you warm.
It's been 12 days since the last time you
held me.
I feel really lost right now because i miss you,
but i know time heals all wounds.
Hopefully one day when I'm driving
through a pretty town
while the sun goes down
i won't think of you.