Last night lightning tore through
the sky and the thunder
shook my house.
The rain flooded the streets
and tornados ripped the Midwestern plains
to shreds.
Afterward the sky painted itself dark red
with wisps of light pink.
Was God trying to apologize?
Did the acres of destroyed land
the flooded neighborhood streets
the lightning burned trees
see the painted sky and forgive?
Should we?

If we have to be destroyed to see beauty
should we forgive?

Your heart must pump honey throughout your body

You are sweet

You stick to everyone you meet.

It shines throughout the golden locks

That fall gently from your head

Passed the nape of your neck.

You are everything bright

And everything beautiful.

As if the sun came down

To gently touch you at birth.

You are the light in everyone’s life.

I walked into a bookstore today
looking like a ghost finally
getting out of the shell it was stuck in.
hair a mess.
lips ****** from continuously biting.
eyes red and watery.
I knew people were looking and I knew they didn't understand.
"why does this girl look like she just got back from a war"
"was she just at a funeral or something"
yes.
yes.
I wanted to tell them I will always love him
but I will resent him forever.
The funeral of our broken memories
broken promises
broken hearts
was a few days ago
and I wanted to tell them that I wished I missed it just like they did.
I should've never gone.
Every where that brought strong vivid memories would forever be a graveyard.
My own ******* bed,
a graveyard.
he used to sleep here I would say.
But he left long ago and leaving absolutely no trace.
no trace of life
no trace of the beautiful love we had.
It takes a horrible person to make something
so beautiful and turn it into bitter dust.
He turned it into a graveyard.
and signed his headstone
"I'm sorry you weren't good enough"

I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.

Lately I've been searching for a new home.
Ever since you left nothing feels right.
My childhood home is like a graveyard.
My favorite coffee shop is filled with ghosts.
The passenger side seat of my car
has your fingerprints all over it.
I've been searching for new things
to make me feel whole again,
since everything I used to love has
the remnants of you all over them.
For now I sit on a street corner,
homeless.
Holding a sign that reads,
"searching for something to ignite
the fire in my chest again after my home
with two arms, two legs, and a beating heart
got up and left."

I wonder why as humans we try so hard for so long.
we work and we destroy ourselves for things
that never seem to work out in the end
but we keep trying.
it's hope.
hope is going to **** us.
it's that little thing in our hearts and brains that tell us to keep going
when we're already worn down and torn up to the bone.
it tells us go try one more time
give it one more shot.
hope is going to **** us.

and i know you weren't right for me.
i take the time to memorize every scar
on someone else's body.
i look to see what makes their eyes light up
and what completely drives them mad.
i had every scar on your body memorized
and you barely even glanced at me.
you had me around, but for all the wrong
reasons.
what you neglected to realize was that i was a hurricane in the midst of the sunshower that was your life.
maybe you should've payed more attention when you had the chance.

I can't help but wonder if you
have dreams about me
standing in the sea with
rocks tied at my ankles.
You asking me for one more chance
telling me you didn't mean it
and you won't do it again
and all I say back is
"I'm sorry, I don't forgive broken promises"

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I just really miss you. 930 miles seems like it’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. But, I hope I do. Hope feels like nothing more than a dream. So I’ll let you go and I’ll let you keep coming back and hope one day I can wake up next to you on a warm sunny summer day, make us coffee and thank the universe for the hope I held onto when I felt both full and empty.

For so long I have been so strong.
I can feel my armour starting to
deteriorate.
I miss you and yes, it does hurt.
These late nights have been getting so long.
I've waiting for the wrong people
to answer my texts
wishing it was you.
The thought of you being gone
forever has finally started setting in
and there is a fire in my lungs
because of it.
It's almost like I was sure you were
going to come back,
and you never did.

I’m sorry for what I say when I’m upset
I’m not like this
I’m suppose to be patient
I’m suppose to be smart
I’m embarrassed that I’m so worked up
I’m not crazy
I swear
I don’t know where this all came from
Wise beyond my years
This isn’t how I’m suppose to act
I’m sorry I’m so upset
You’re in my dreams
You’re written all over my face
Branded into my lungs
I can’t breathe without tasting smoke

it was 8:21 pm and i had checked
my phone for the 78th time.
even though i was the one to ignore you,
i was hoping you would still try.
this wasn't me.
i used to not be like this.
for the first time in a long time
i bought myself some ******* flowers,
poured a glass of wine, and made some cookies.
for myself.

Every time I drive home
late at night
my mind tells me to
drive to you,
but I haven't heard from you
in months.
I still wonder if you
ever regret kissing me
goodbye for the last time.
If you replay the moment
in your head over and over
again, wishing
you had never changed your mind.
We all know feelings and life
change like the weather
and there was nothing I could have
done to get you to stay.

Your name popped up on my phone
right at midnight on my birthday.
You wished me a happy birthday before
anyone else.
Your name also popped up on
my phone at 2 am
when you're drunk
and alone.
Your name popped up on my phone
at 10 am
apologizing for what you did
the night before.
You wouldn't leave
but maybe you're not
suppose to.

The first time they call you names,
Leave.
The first time they make you feel worthless,
Leave.
The first time they hit you,
Leave.
The first time they leave you,
Don't go back.
The first time they take your life away,
Leave.
The first time you feel like you would be
better off on your own, than with the
person you love,
Leave.

He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.

I could write a book
With 1,000 pages
And I still wouldn’t be able
To properly describe how I feel
How I felt
About you.
How many days
How many nights
How many mornings
I woke up with you
Thinking I would have
forever
But you’re going to
Spend your forever with
Someone else.
Which is fine
I knew we weren’t meant to last forever
Maybe in a different life
A different universe.
I still think about the cool
Spring breeze rolling through
Your bedroom window the first
Time I came over
And how I couldn’t believe
I was so comfortable
That I could fall asleep in your bed
And sometimes I smell your cologne on
A random person
And think to myself
“What if it had worked out”

But I know this is for the best
And I hope you’re happy.

So i said to myself
"Yeah, lets pretend like we don't know eachother,
It's probably for the best anyway
Because when you talk to me
And grab at my shoulders the way
You use to, it all comes flooding back to me
Everything i pushed to the back of my mind
Hits me again like a tsunami
So i'll just turn my head
And walk away
Even though i can feel your eyes
On me.
Watching me.
Like you always used to."

They tell you love is kind.
The first time i fell in love,
love was not kind.
Love left me hurt
love gave me anxiety
love left bruises and marks.
The second time i fell in love
i was a lot more careful.
And this is when love
made sure i was okay at 3am.
Love didn't try to put a hold on
my life, but joined it.
Love didn't compete with me,
but encouraged me.
Love told me i was special,
and i listened, despite being told
i was the opposite the first time.
When i heard the three words for
the first time again, it didn't sting.
It lifted.
And i felt it once again.

I can't believe it took
me this long to
realize people
will never be able to
save you,
but only destroy you.
it's either yourself
or nothing.

It feels like
there is a volcano
rupturing inside of me.
I can feel it in my chest
I feel it throughout
my veins
and if you ever see this,
look at it as if
it is a message
in a bottle at
the bottom of the sea
that reads
"come find me."

I am not sure I would always call things a coincidence but maybe more of a miracle.
Like the way flowers tend to bloom in the concrete cracks of sidewalks, or even in the darkest parts of my mind.
Miracles, I do believe that.

Was she worth it?
Was I not enough for you?
How sad that motel 6 must’ve been
At 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon.
Did your clothes smell like her when you left?
I can’t even look at you
Because all I can see
Is someone else’s hands all over
Your body.
Was she worth it?
Did you need to **** her to feel something?
I should’ve listened the first 8 million times
I can’t escape this burning feeling in my chest
I want to rip my heart out of
My body
I want to feel nothing.
I hope she was ******* worth it.

The fire started in my parent’s room
They tried to shut the door
So my little brother and I wouldn’t know.
The smoke went through the cracks and down the hallway. My father was the one who lit the match,
Even when he promised he wouldn’t.
But like I’ve always been told,
“An addict is always an addict”
and my mother just couldn’t take it anymore.
The fire spread to my bedroom first,
Burning all my childhood memories,
Leaving scars and smoke in my lungs
That would be there forever.
Did they know what they were doing to me? My little brother acts like it never happened. But I know he wishes his role model
Never lit that match.
How could the man who taught him how to play baseball Ever do such a thing?
My little brother stopped playing baseball
And I moved out of my bedroom
But some things will never leave you And to this day I can still smell
The lingering odor of smoke
On my clothes.

You turn the music up all the way
so you can try to drown out your fathers words
repeating over and over again in your head.
This time it was about your weight.
Even though he couldn't even say it
without all the words coming out slurred
and his eyes rolling to the back of his head.
You wanted so bad to tell him that
you could lose a few pounds,
but he will always be an alcoholic.
But you don't because that would
only make him angrier.
You knew he was only taking it out
on you because his wife was leaving him.
You just walk away
knowing he wouldn't even remember
the conversation in the morning anyway
because he does this all the time
and you're used to it.

I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.

you woke up one day and ripped my
heart out of my chest
and I'm happy that I picked it up
and grabbed it back from you before you left.
I think you thought I spent my time searching for my other half
but what you didn't know was that
I was never half.

there's a strength
in watching all the
other girls around you
fall for you,
even though i've seen
the way your mother talks
to you at your dinner table
in your childhood home.
i've watched tears stream down
your face because you couldn't
understand why you were so
different from anyone else.
i've listened to what hurts you.
you sat on a bench with me, drunk,
and told me you were scared of love.
i've seen the deepest parts of you.
and the night you came outside, drunk,
you said, "i care about you.
i really care about you. please
never hurt yourself, please."
and i said the same thing back.
you walked back inside to all
the girls drooling over you and left
me in the cold, but i knew where i stood
with you, i just hope at the end of the
day you know who will always
be there for you.

I let you dig your poisonous
claws into me one more time
before I walked away.
This time when you said sorry,
I said it wasn't okay.
We are not okay.
Whatever this is, it's not okay.
I couldn't understand why you
took the one person who cared about
you and tossed them around
like they would always come back.
And maybe it's because I did always
come back.
Not this time.
You have hurt me for the last time.

the first time you left i remember i wanted to
preserve as much of you as i could.
i would wear your shirts to bed
and look at old pictures.
Now that you're gone again i cant wait for
the day all the cells in my body are replaced
so i can say i was never touched by you.
looking at pictures makes me sick
to think that i was so blind.
and if you hadn't taken all your clothes
home a week ago i would've burned
them by now
in hopes to get every trace of you
out of my sight.

every time i closed my eyes i saw myself running.
running through the trees, down the street, chasing.
who knows what i'm chasing.
Running down a dirt road laughing
as the lightening bugs light up the forest around me
its like breathing for the very first time.
its freeing.
i'm free.
i'm back home where i'm suppose to be.
but the midwest isn't home to much.
cornfields, forests, and dirt roads.
home is where the heart is
and my home is whenever i close my eyes
and i'm running and happy
i'm where i used to be.

And maybe I should stop falling for
people with light eyes
who're born under October
skies.

I don't remember the last time
I heard your voice
or the last time you spoke so
nice and softly to me
like you used to.
I listen to old voicemails
just to hear that voice again.
I don't know what form of torture you
would call that,
but it's like putting a drop
of water in the desert
making it long for more
but we all know water doesn't
belong in the desert.
you don't belong here
with me anymore.

don't forget to remind them that
you have lightening running
through your bones and
that you're not easily shaken
like the thunderstorms in your
mind.
tell them that while you may
be four parts of a disaster
your house was built to stand
lungs not ready to collapse
and your heart was made to love
despite all the Hurricanes raging inside
of you.

The worst thing I ever did to myself
was let a man control me.
I let him decide my worth
I always waited for his permission
I lived in fear everyday.
I let him threaten to leave me
I let him threaten to hit me
I let him take my life
as if it was his.
Nothing but a puppet on strings.
To this day I still feel fear when I
know I shouldn't.
He made everything feel wrong.
He made me feel like a prisoner.
I'm still trying to get used to being
my own person.
When I do things he didn't like
I have to remind myself that it's
okay. That he can't threaten me
anymore.
Like I think he's going to show up
and tell me how
stupid
i am.
tell me how
worthless
i am.
Tell me I'm nothing
but a burden to my parents
and everyone around me.
He would tell me all my friends hated me
He ruined me.
But ******* am I trying.

I used to spend my Friday nights in a movie theater with you.
I used to spend my Saturdays in a park with you
or on the couch with you.
Since you have been gone I've been spending my Fridays drunk
at a house party until 3am.
I wake up in another's house on Saturday morning.
I often ask myself if I miss the taste of movie theater popcorn
or the crisp leaves on the ground on a Saturday morning with you.
Then I have to remind myself that the popcorn started to taste like regret
and the leaves on the ground were only just dead.
And I can't possibly miss you.

Let's stop writing about
waiting for the one
to come save us.
Let's stop writing about waiting
for someone to come make
us feel like home.
Let's find home in the comforts
of our skin.
Put the cape on your own back
and save yourself.
We were not built to live or hunt
for anyone else.
We were built to wipe our own tears.
We were built strong enough to be able
to pick ourselves up off the ground
and carry on.
With full hearts and kindness in our eyes.
My dear, you were not made for anyone
but yourself.

She mean't that much to you

Even though you spent months

years

convincing me it was nothing.

I was stupid to think that maybe for once

just once

I would come first.

Because I'm different right?

Or were you always seeing her eyes

every time you looked into mine?

how many times a day
do you close your eyes
and say
"there will be leaves
and flowers on the trees again."
reminding yourself that
it doesn't rain forever.
but it's been cloudy for at least
3 months and you can't
remember the last time
the sun showed through
your eyes.

There were so many nights
I tried to paint the
Summer stars
On my ceiling
But it never worked
And instead i would lay
Saddened
I finally understood what
"Beating a dead horse"
Meant
When i begged you
To care
Over
And over
Again,
But you never did.

The snow fell that Sunday night
with ease and i thought
how can the sky let go so calmly
when it was just storming
a few hours ago.
Storming like the way you stormed
out of the room after watching me
dance and let go
even when she was sitting right
next to you.
And your eyes were fixed on me
like i was the best thing
you could have had.
Until you realized i would not
be in your bed that night.
I let go of you like the sky
let go in the dead of night
and never looked back.

Tell me about the person who broke your heart.
Tell me about the color of their eyes.
How their hair felt in between your fingers.
Tell me about the rhythm of their heart.
Tell me about the last words they said to you and how they took every last breath out of you.
Tell me about all the places you used to go to with them, and how when you went for the first time without them all you saw was ghosts.
Tell me about the ache in your bones when you see them in your dreams and how it lasts years
months
days.