It's been a long while
Since you last tried to die
So you fixed the distance
And you said "Hi"

And the conversation was fond
The words tinged with familiarity
The word 'love' used heavily
Every letter soaked in nostalgia

You replied so awkwardly
And you searched for what to say
But everything had been said by saying nothing
Small talk, frivolous conversation to lead you home

Yet you are so hopeful, so ready to begin again
And you try, I try, we try to find what we were
And we use the word 'love' heavily
Because there may be no time left, though we hope

And so this poem is for you
You who I am so fond of in my awkwardness
So hopeful in our frivolous, little talks
As we speak heavily of love

She is radiant
Strong and loyal
And I fear for her
Because the good don't last

Chopped down for the 'greater good'
The best of people flicker out of this world
'Please stay' I beg
But she is set
Her will must be done

She is the queen of this palace
And I am but a guard
Dearest Queen, I've felt the lumberjack's axe
And I shiver at the memories
And I lose myself

Why must you put yourself in his path?
Why do you taunt him to chop you down?
He is cold and unfeeling
His axe will swing
And down you will go

Should you fall, I will too
And I will lose myself in the knowledge
That I could not protect you
Because I am a peasant
And you are the Queen
Your will is law

I am scared
I am so scared
It is hard to breathe
As my mind supplies all the ways
Your plan could go wrong

Please, dear Queen
Spare me the knowledge of your plots
Because I am weak
And I am prone to break

Lately I am prone to break
And my mind is not okay
So please spare me
Until I have healed
And I will chuckle at your deviousness
Once again.

I can't breathe
Yet I can't asphyxiate
I feel sick
My heart's skipping beats
For heaven's sake
Someone help me
Because the nightmares eat my brain
I can't see
All I can feel is pain.

She is evolving, has evolved, evolves right now
She sunk lower than before and soared straight up from the ground
She is who she was but she is also someone never before seen
She is and was evolving towards bigger, higher things.

She may land harshly and come to a gruesome, quick end
But the flight has always mattered more than the descent.
She may soar higher until her wings incinerate to dust
But she will evolve whether down on land or up.

She is evolving, call it a lifelong effort to transform
She's been becoming who she'll be since the day she was born.
She'll put in her all whether she receives failure or success
And she will evolve until she until she finally takes her rest.

I've posted a picture
And no one has liked it
It hasn't a single comment
And I have grown befret

Yes, children are starving worldwide
And that family has no where to sleep
And there is a war just over there
But no one has liked this picture of me

I written a clever status that's sure to cause a laugh
I posted it with complete confidence of it's worth
It's been a full day and not a single person cared
And even though it shouldn't, it really hurts

And it's these insipid, inane, insignificant things
That seem so important at the time
That make me stop and seriously ponder:
'Just when exactly did I lose my mind?'

When did I stop caring about that lady on the road?
When did I stop crying over all the deaths?
When did I begin ignoring that beggar?
Rather than give the dollars I had left?

When did I stop putting trash where it belongs?
When did I stop caring about that abandoned dog?
When did I start accepting that 'things won't change'?
Why am I just realizing I've been jaded far too long?

When did Earth become a vessel for my plans
Instead of my greatest comfort?
When did nature stop being my friend
And become leaves and bugs and dirt?

When did creativity become useless
And business begin to rule my brain?
When did fun become a chore?
Now that I must be 'serious and sane'

It's all the little things that made life pretty as a child
It's all the little things I haven't bothered to do once more
And if I just shook off this funk of 'maturity' and 'sensibility'
I dare say it would all come back and once again, I'd soar.

It's simple, simple simplicity
You can't regurgitate
What you don't eat.

If family would turn you away and friends leave you to die
If the world fleece you down and colleagues wring you dry
Find peace and pleasure within yourself, find the strength to try
To be your own family,  friend, and work mate with no help from outside.

.

True self-sufficiency is needing yourself alone
But interacting with others regardless
To ease the heavy loads of life.

.

Remember that life is important in the now
But never in the later or a larger scale.
You are what you make of the present
Despite your past and to shape your future.

.

There is no purpose to life besides what you give it
There is no way to waste time, you're young as **** until you die.

.

Rather than worry what others might think of what you do
Worry instead what you will think of yourself
When you have done everything or nothing at all.

.

This is not a road to sprint or run upon
This is not a marathon or an endurance race
This is simply meandering in the way you choose
You set your own duration and pace.

.

When you can do nothing at all and the world lies on your shoulders
Breathe.
It is all you will ever be required to do.

I feel my heart buckling under pressure I beg it to bear
I screamed quietly last night and my brain snapped in half
How strong, how prideful, how immortal I was
How conceited, how terribly much I thought of myself in the past.

Allow me to state that I am weak. Allow me to say that I am done.
When night falls I tremble with fear of something on the horizon
I feel my own body rip itself to shreds in some effort to save me
I truly wish I had savored my irresponsibility now that it's hard won.

Home. Only a year ago I cursed it. How conceited, how idiotic.
Your children will curse you to hell and regret when youth passes.
The mind I prided myself on having has deteriorated, I cannot think.
The sentences meld into unintelligible paragraphs of thoughts as slow as molasses.

I would sleep for an eternity if given the chance but my sweet, foolish, pride...
I would find peace and revel in it if not for the guilt of the method.
I futilely push away thoughts that constrict and wrap around me.
I must be stronger, do more, cannot bear to forgive myself should I do as I please.

Others have done what I am choosing to do and succeeded; my failure won't be justified
I must stand tall until my back breaks, I must smile until my lips quake
I must try harder until my body bleeds, I must give more until there's nothing left of me.
And if I fail, at least I know I jumped, even if I was far too late.

My dreams no longer consist of impossibilities that I will drag into being.
When I sleep, I am plagued by the sight of my own death in a multitude of ways.
When I wake, I miss the simplicity of the horror of the same dreams I ran from.
All the thoughts I used to have now only come after careful contemplation over many days.

I am unsure of who I am. I feel, sometimes, that I am merely watching a play.
That I am just a spectator to a caricature of myself, crudely pretending to be me.
And I would believe in that wholeheartedly if I was unaware of life's inane ways.

If things truly do get better, I wonder if they will do so in time to save me.

How conceited, how foolish, how narcissistic, how self-important, how desperate, how crazed, how terribly, terribly deluded I've grown to be.
How idiotic, this new view of myself and life that I've misnamed maturity.

All of us are ***** here
-Except you-
And we gravitate to your purity

In our attempts to be like you
We fail to see
You becoming like us

Your innocence is fading
It was soiled by our taint
And now it is dying

Is it impossible to keep purity
Once you've been exposed
To the filth that we are?

If so, I apologize, the next time I see
Someone you beautifully clean
I'll leave them well enough alone.

I don't always know what to say
Or even what to do.
When long paragraphs of genuine praise
Go unanswered, this is my excuse.

You give me praise like I don't deserve
And don't comprehend how to respond to.
In the end, I read and reread
And think of what to tell you.

I count you as a mentor, a friend
I respect your opinion.
I think of you as a light, a guide,
Sense is your dominion.

I wanted to thank you for noticing misplaced words
In a blog for rhyme-schemes and thoughts.
I want to thank you for seeing the best in me
And continuing to see when I cannot.

Shhh...
Don't speak
Respect those who are gone

Hush, hush
They weren't weak
For all it's worth they were strong

Don't speak! Don't talk!
This is it
The silence they had

Be quiet.
This day is sacred
For those who died sad

You can be quiet
If only for a day
An act of kindness

We're together in this
Please be quiet
Honor the Day of Silence

I'm trying
Emphasis on "I'm"
Where are you now?
Have you left me behind?
I'm giving all of me
To clean this mess
But while I was answering problems
Did you give up the test?
.
.
.
I'm not ready yet
Not ready to lose
The best friends I've ever had
I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready to let go
To see our time come to an end
...
Will you wait for me?
I won't insist you put in effort
Just...wait by the door?
And when I've solved these questions
What we have will be restored
.
.
.
Maybe.
I'm not quite sure anymore
I don't know who you are
But it's not time to fight that war
I've got to make sure we're okay
Before we relearn what we were
We both changed
Whilst the other's back was turned
So don't leave yet
I'm trying
No
We're trying
To fix this grand old mess
And you can bet ever cent you own
I will not leave us like this.

Tick* goes the clock
I think a thousand thoughts
Before it can chime tock

Don't smoke, I thought you stopped
Don't be sad, I know you're not
Don't cut , or at least, not a lot

Tick says the clock.

Three seconds have gone by
"Is the day over?" I sigh
I can't last but I'll try
Eight cuts on my thigh

tock chimes the clock

My lungs, they burn
My brain begins to yearn
I won't give in, I'll live and learn

TICK yells the clock

Time is so loud and slow
I can't take much more
I need help but you'll never know

TOCK! The clock screams

It's in my brain
I can't shake it loose
I'm losing my rhyme
My speech becomes uncouth

TICK

There are voices in the background
I cannot abide them
I hate it, I hate sounds

TOCK

Just one cut
Won't be too much
Right? Right!?

tick...

And the vertigo recedes
Suddenly, I can think
And time doesn't pass slowly

tock...

Perhaps I shall smoke
Until I die
And at my funeral, no one will cry

Tick...

The day's almost over
I've done pitiful little
Yet my nerves are run brittle

Tock

"Not again!" I beg
I can't take this
And, looking at my knife,
I am hopeless

tick-tock Tick-Tock TICK-TOCK *TICK-TOCK!

As in, "*******."
As in the statement made
When I've offended you?

Or perhaps, "**** me."
Because, doll, you just had to ask.
Nicely.

Wait, maybe, "**** this!"
That's a bit extreme for the situation
Breathe out, breathe in.

Or, "****!"
Because that sounds perfect
For any situation.

I've got it portrait of myself
Drawn all on my own
I can see all of my flaws
That I dutifully scribbled down

And I'll show people with a smile
And they tell me it's quite ugly
And then blanch as they realize
I've drawn a picture of me

And there is some part of
My heart that takes the blows
Even though they called me pretty
My brain really knows

So I walk up to my mirror
And ***** my value, my assets
I don't think I'll ever understand
How anyone can look like this

All the magazines
I pour over hold
All the pretty people
All the pretty souls

And I wish I was like them
I wish I could be
But nothing seems to alter
My perception of reality

Little sticks
So deadly
Grey in the air
So pure
Mind so focused
Unfocused
Little sticks
Of death
I'm flying
Orange stick
I crash
Red tipped
I inhale
Little sticks of death

What.
Am I doing here?
What.
Am I living for?
What.
Is my incentive?
What.
Are my ambitions?
What.
Can I do?
What.
Is there to smile about?
What.

What.
-
-
-
I dunno.
"Idek, bro."
The answer won't be written
Anywhere I go.

What.

Who, when?
Why, how, where?
I couldn't possibly answer and
I couldn't possibly care.

It's not for everybody
That thing we all do.
Sometimes it's for everyone-
Every person but you.

What.

You said I just want attention
Just want to be Queen for a day
That I always had to be in control
Always had to have it my way

Well, welcome to my palace peasant
Kneel down and kiss my feet
I don't need you anymore
But you sure as hell need me

And the Queen will rule her people, under her they shall be free
Let the traitors scatter and flee or die with her next decree

Welcome to my palace
I only love my own
And if you plan to leave
I'll be happy when you're gone

The people of my kingdom
Are the air in my lungs
But should they turn on me
I'll cut them down and breathe the sun

The leaders under my reign, may one day want my throne
Express your envy nobly and I'll nobly cut you down

My successor will be ethereal
And lead my people with pride
All against my reign
Kindly, step aside

For I am the Queen!
I am the leader!
My traitorous little minion....

You were lucky to be here.

My hands are ******* shaking-
As if this is the worst thing I've done-
I'm just typing in a number.
It's a ****** number and I'm-

I'm losing my mind like
"Doctor, what the hell is wrong with me?"
Like I don't wanna know because this *******...
This ******* can diagnose me.

So I'm ******* shaking until I have to sit down
And deciding everything I have to censor
Because I'm going to hire this Psychiatrist as a friend
But my brain is all warning lights and cries of "ENEMY"

And I've got nightmares thinking about talking about
About anything with substance. Anything I care about
Because it'd take one wrong word in the thick of emotion
For me to be labeled and I've already done that

I don't need another ******* label.

But self-therapy never did me any good and I've got enough bad
And all my therapists were money grubbing shitbags
So I'm going to buy a label from a psychiatrist
With my fingers crossed that I'll get a bottle of complimentary pills

I'm choosing the lesser of two evils that both turn my stomach
***** it, because I've already been ******* by therapy
And even if the psychiatrist is just as bad
It's not like any of them got **** on how I ******* me.

So to all of my followers
Welcome to poem seventy eight
(If I counted right)
Then this may be a bit late...

But thank you for your support
Thanks for the reviews
Thanks for putting up
With my melancholy BS
When I'm feeling a bit blue

Thanks for all those likes
And thanks for all those shares
Thanks for making me feel
Like, "Hey, someone cares"

Thanks for all those messages
Thanks for trusting me enough
To send me a little message
Thanks for that trust

Thanks for every view
Thanks for everything
And, god, I never thought
I'd get this far with this poetry thing

Thanks for all the compliments
That make me strut around and preen
That make me giggle as I smile
(No, seriously, I gloat every single time I'm trending)

So, yeah, you guys are my success
And I'm nowhere near through
To the wind beneath my wings
This is a big, heartfelt "Thank You!"

There's a king inside this girl
And yes, he rules the world
I named him and hid him away
But we all know he'll emerge someday
I go places where no one knows my face
And bind my chest away
I define my face like a man
And walk around, just cuz' I can
I dress in classy punk style
And my authority is felt for miles
Seas of people part to give me room
And I feel my confidence bloom
I hold all the power in the world
And they've no clue I'm a girl

"Mama, mama, come quick!
There's a king inside the girl!
He's got power and you can feel it
He's got strength to rock this world
Papa, papa, run fast!
This is something you've gotta see"
And you can bet that's what they'll be saying
When I reveal the king in me

It is almost refreshing to sink into what I once was
To feel myself stagnate and lose interest
It's somehow relieving to meet my old feelings again
To feel both exhausted and restless

I am not doing enough yet, have not achieved
I am not trying hard enough, haven't put in my all
I am not reaching far enough, am not throwing my weight
I am not enough to climb over this wall

A wall between myself and motivation
Between creativity and creative endeavors
Between myself and my dreams and wants and hopes
A wall between stagnation and corrective measures

It feels like coming home to a house I never intended to buy
Like opening the door to dust and checks to pay off bills I forgot to write
Like finding my bed a collection of moths and holes
Like seeing where I was and intended to be until I was old

However

It is also like entering an old home never put up for sale
A space that I know but a space I dislike and won't return to as well
Like feeling the nostalgia from a bitter memory in some bastardization of regret
But moving on because you have moved on and don't plan on turning back yet

I hate the days away from school
Nearly as much as I hate school itself
Because when I'm away from the expectations
I can't even lie convincingly to myself.

I can't slap a smile onto my face
I can't laugh until I cry
I can't get rid of the emptiness
That clings desperately to my life.

Eventually, I simply sit and stare
Memorizing the popcorn ceiling
Pathetic, by my own right, and
Too far past merely empty
Yet, for some reason, still trying.

Such a beautiful soul
That renders my own shocked
And society's freezing it cold
I need to make it stop.

This was a pursuit
This was my normal game
This is what shock is
I want to see you sane.

I'm heartless, without compassion
I'm a sucker for vulnerability
I'm a crow in her prime
And pain is so shiny.

You have company and, god, does she fit you
But you're still breaking, dear.
You're an old soul so tired and weary
But Earth still needs you here.

How dare Life chip at you?
How dare Life bring you down?
And you call yourself weak;
Taking the beating without a sound.

Have you never seen the inherent brightness
That rests just beyond your skin?
See your reflection in
And take your beauty in.

Because I can't comprehend
How you can't see yourself.
With your untainted imagination
When society's blinded by wealth.

I can't say I'm not like the rest
I can't say I differ at all.
But I have the eyes to see a miracle
So I can't let you fall.

You are an oddity of nature herself
That I wanted to capture, to chase.
And through your constant shock value
I now want to see you stay.

A vivid pastel vertigo
That sends me through time and space
To all the places I should never know
To distances large and great

A bemusing tornado of words
That wrap around my head
Singing the tune of the birds
That make me so willing to be led

An iridescent amalgamation of assumptions
Swimming in the sea of my mind
And though I'll never utter a word of confession
I know you'll get it in time

The feelings in my mind

The world is filled with hedonists
Laughing and making merry.
The world is learned by nihilists
With the weight of the world to carry.

You see a point to the daily routine
Your infinite repeated steps reek of death.
You feel your goals are closer than they last seemed
Only ten billion eighty-three thousand steps left.

I view the larger picture,
Work on a bigger scale
This planet means nothing,
Our lives are inane, this galaxy as well.

Every day my eyes open they close once more
Every breath I take is a penance, a punishment
Every day I wake up is an endless chore
Every memory I make means as little as the last meant.

But the world is filled with hedonists
They enjoy the idiocy of life.
The world is filled with idealists
Who feel the "prize" is in sight.

I am dying.
As most are, I am unprepared.
I feel death tingle down my arms
And rob my struggling lungs of air.

I feel it settle over my mind like a haze
Of drowsy, unfocused wooziness.
I am terrified of it, I am scared
I can feel the cold grasp of death.


.


She hands me a bottle that clicks with magic
She tells me it's not much and I believe that.
She hands me a bottle after she checks me over.
I take the bottle and remove myself from where I sat.


.


I remind myself that I am not dying.
I remind myself that I can breath, am breathing.
I remind myself that I am not tingling.
I lie to myself factually: I am not dying.


.


I don't believe her or myself
If I were to believe, would that make me crazy?
If I weren't to believe, would that make me crazy?
If I am cleared headed yet somehow feel hazy?

**** this lazy rhyme in off kilter four four time:
Am I crazy if I feel my lungs fight for air though I have no problem breathing?
What if I feel my body shutting down when I am more than healthy?
Am I crazy if I know it's the end but can't explain or even postulate why?
Am I crazy if I write so someone knows what happened when I die (whilst thinking I am alive I wont die but I am dying which is just the panic speaking but if it's not then I'll be gone  by tomorrow which wont happen. maybe.)?

let it run down your spine like a shiver
and wrap round your wrists like rope
let it climb up your veins like vines
and fill up your throat till you choke.

are you waiting for someone to find you?
are you thinking of your other half?
does the want trip up your daily struggle
with dreams of a something that lasts?

then, let it tear up your heart like a lost lover
let it catapult you higher like hope
let it guide you along like road signs
let it wash your expectations like soap.

I'm feeling like a pop quiz sweetheart
I hope to god you studied
I don't accept failing grades, no redos
It'll be the last you see of me.

Oh, I'm feeling testy
I wake up angry
I live in fury
Don't **** with me

Pass my "test," sweetheart. Pass it.
I only have so much patience.
I only have so much patience I can spare on you
I don't have the time or care to explain what I meant.

Just show me that this isn't a waste of time.
I'm not having the time of my life losing my mind.
If it's gonna go, it better be for someone who's at least trying
Don't make me regret this, sweetheart, it's your time to shine.

I missed you
But I won't say, "Hello," again
Because I'm tired of being
The conniving, barbaric, soulless friend.

To put it simply, I miss the thought of you
And hugs, and poetry, and stories, and conversations.
But I don't miss you, I don't miss the judgement
I don't miss feeling like I was so ******* useless.

We don't really speak anymore
But we're okay; I swear we're okay.
We aren't broken yet
Just a little bit bent
With some duct tape and glue
We'll be back to new again.
Don't turn away yet
Give me some time to regroup
And find the motivation
To drag us up out of the blues.
I'm not trying my best
But I sincerely want to
After five years we're put to the test
And if we fail, I know we'll be through.
But, devil take it, I still love you.
You're my sister in every way that counts
And without you, where would I be now?
You're my anchor and the beginning of my past
And I'll be ****** if I can't make this last.
When I was more than ready to **** myself
You were my lifeline,you gave me help
And now our bond's fading away
But as long as we aren't broken
We can fix this someday.

It feels something like leaning over
The top of a tall building and staring down
At all the people who are and will do
The things I could but rather wouldn't

Perhaps it's the introduction of happiness
That's robbed my ability to express in words
When I am no longer feeling content
And can only reach for poetry as an outlet.

Fake and pristine
Smile on my face
Tired and angry
The facade fades

It's a slow burn, my anger
A slow burn to conflagration
It's a slow burn, my anger
I'm done with expectations

I can't breathe. My heart is beating five times a second.
I'm dying, help me, please, please, I can't breathe.
...
..
.
The doctor in emergency said it's just anemia.
The lady in emergency said it's just anemia and heartburn.
The man in emergency said my heart is fine, fine, fine.

I don't believe it, I'm dying.

There are bumps in my throat and my nose is running
I'm sneezing and coughing and fatigued
I don't have a fever but my chest is killing me
My jaw, throat, and head hurt periodically. How can I not be dying?
...
..
.
"Psychosomatic."
.
..
...
*******. ******* for that.
I think I'd know **** well if I'm panicking by now.
This is real. This is what death feels like.
This isn't in my head. I'm not crazy.

I picked up four of your books
From the room of my late best friend
He taught me to enjoy reading poetry
Instead of just writing it.

He told me he liked my poems
I was second next to you.
I was reading your poetry
When he hung himself to "Hallelujah."

I don't enjoy your work the way he did
But I keep and read your books all the same
Because he saw something in your work
So I'll search until I find it as well.

Pretty little people
With pretty little plans
And pretty little laughs
Behind pretty little hands

Ugly old *****
Laughing at what they said
Smiling so happily
Wishing them all dead

Pretty little people
With pretty little secrets
They confide in the ugly old *****
So sure that she'll keep it

Ugly old *****
Hateful and jealous
She wants let it go
But she's too lonely to tell it

Pretty little people
With their ******* pretty smiles
Pretty little people
Laughing all the while

Pretty little people
With endless self-esteem
Pretty little people
With pretty little dreams

Ugly old *****
Trying to be real
Ugly old *****
Don't know what to feel

Ugly old *****
Snapping at the seams
Ugly old *****
And yes, that ***** is me

Vertigo.

The world is turning.

Turning.
                 Turning.
                                  Turning,
Too fast.

Turning until
A rip forms.

A tear. A lesion. An open wound.

Raw.

Don't touch.
Don't look.
Don't speak.
Don't hear.
Don't smell.
Don't feel.


it hurts.

Thoughts come then.
Too loud, too quiet.
Too bright; so, so dark.
.
     .
          .
               help.

No help.
.
     .
          .
               help.
No help.
.
     .
          .
               help.
Helped.

Boxes.
Boxes and boxes and boxes.

A library of thought and feeling packed away
In
One


second.




Peace.
Calm.
Joy.


False emotion.
Easy breathing, easy living.

Compartmentalized.
Strike-through.

Recompartmentalize­d.






Lather, rinse, repeat.

There are words in a million languages
That pass between our eyes alone
They piece themselves together in my mind
And rest on the tip of my tongue

Was it just the whiskey talking?
Every word you said sounded like ***
Was it just the liquor talking?
Was I just a bit of fun?

Because I know better than to trust or lean
I’m far too smart to count on you for anything
I know not to bother with vulnerabilities
So why did soft words from you instantly break me?

I don’t lean into arms in the dark of night
And suddenly feel that I can breathe
I don’t hold to anyone for any reason
And momentarily feel my mind freeze

But it was quiet for a second, it was silent
There were no hands on my neck, nothing violent
It was bliss for a second, I was peaceful
Like I’d gone to bed starved and woke up full

But

I’m needy at my most honest
I need someone to hold me together
I could fix myself if I wanted
But I’m too tired to bother

I’m jealous at my most real
I’ll wrap around you like gauze
I’ll watch you be you with a smile
While hoping the whole world ***** off

I’ll sit with you like this
With the words you whisper down my neck
I told you I’d never been honest before
So please, don’t leave me a mess