Endless, unyielding boredom
Stalls the words on my lips
Cuts the thoughts in my mind
Chases letters from my fingertips.

The color fades from my eyes
And life becomes bleak and grey
I hunger, cook, and eat
But it is bland, without taste.

My mind is barren in the spaces
Where ideas used to flow
The handle melts away from the door
And I've no other place to go.

The sun runs into the moon
The moon burrows into the sky
Hours become excruciating weeks
That sluggishly sprint on by.

Sentences become voices
Ever loud, relentlessly speaking
My eyes are my worst enemy
Never finding, always seeking.

Concise and simply stated
With boredoms' additions, I am less
I survive listlessly
Without purpose, without rest.

You've got me crying tonight
I've never heard the things you say to me.
I've never had the opportunity to enjoy
Sweet words without pondering
Contemplating
Wondering if I'm being mocked.

I can't breathe through the lump in my throat
I can't think past the disbelief
That you're with me. Like me. See me
As something special.
It boggles my mind and guides me
Straight to tears.

I'm smiling and I'm crying
I'm happy.
I don't have the right words
For this feeling
But thank you for it.
You have,
You will,
And you do amaze me.

Constantly.

Old friends, new crowds
The sun still burns through the clouds
White hands, brown skin
No way out, no way in.

This is a clique, you're not invited
We're alone together and we like it.
We sell death, we use death until it's dying
We fight death and lose and keep on trying.

We sing like seagulls, feast like falcons
Needles and powder: you won't catch us without them.
We shake ourselves down and shake all the way up
And even when we're past ground level, it's not enough.

****** jazzy tunes in this crackden melody.
We'll introduce you to our eyes and allow you to see.
We'll let you meet our minds and soar above the clouds.
You've got a taste for it; you'll never leave us now.

I'm ready to leave now
This is the last of the poetry
That'll ever go from me to you
Cuz I'm better than you'll ever be
And now I am through.

I hope it felt good
When you broke me down
Because I've been made anew
And I run this town
And I'm so done with you.

So when you see the poems
I wrote with you in mind
Remember this is the last one
And I'm leaving you behind
It's been (Hell) fun.

I'm lonliest when my skin touches the bed
I want company most when the pillow cradles my head
I'm most desperate when the lights are low
And the space behind my eyes is blank as snow.

I want to talk more often at night
When all my contacts are asleep till daylight.
I'm impressionable, supple, at the sight of the moon
When all I do wait for the next day's noon.

I want touch more often before dawn
A lover to lay with, to sing disgusting love songs.
I'm more unstable before the sun shines
And I roll in bed to find nothing, expecting one of my kind.

I'm obsessive when the dark of night falls
And I nurture my obsessions as I wait for a call.
I'm irrational, illogical, when the sun's down
I turn my body to the wall and wait for any sound.

I'm at my worst, here in bed, tonight
With no one to hold, to clutch and call mine
I'm broken, shattered, in the moonlight
While the rest of Earth mutters their 'goodnight's

"I love him"
"She's my heart"
"He's brighter than the stars"
God, I'm about to ****

About to regurgitate every
Morsel of breakfast I ate
Along with the lunch I'll eat
If you keep going at this rate

Go wax your poetry
And when your through
I have a single word
Filled with disgust: "Ew".

I'm not one for second place
In life or love or existence as a whole.
If I'm not going to win
The game seems impossibly dull.

I don't care.

In second place, silver trophy in hand
I don't care to speak to you.
I don't care about your issues; I have my own.
And every word you speak is still cruel.

But I can't be hurt when I don't care
And pretending's never been a hardship.
But come the end of this year
I'll rescind back into the behavior of a hermit.

I'm not one to be thought of as a runner up.
I've loved and lost my motivation to speak.
I'm not looking for a new reason.
It's first place or no place for me.

Would you finally care enough to set aside an hour?
Would I have to beg you, once more, only to be rejected?
Would you rush to the store and grab the first copy?
Would you write down your favorite stanzas and selections?

Or would you say "Oh, okay, that's cool"
The way you've done repeatedly?
And then tell me about some other poem that's inspired you
While I listen bitterly?

Sometimes I forget that things don't go as planned
I meddle and I **** with no thought to consequence
I see a fix and grab it without checking all the facts
I forget reason, people, and, most importantly, to ask.

I love you, I want to see you happy and fulfilled
I'd rather cart you on my back than let you climb your own hills
I push and shove and rush though the problem isn't mine
And, just like that, I go too far at times.

I'm at a loss on how to talk this out when there is no conversation
I've never wanted or managed to make you lose your patience
You tolerate my intolerable **** with a smile and a laugh
Which isn't an invitation to intensify, I will remember that.

I don't understand the situation or your feelings towards it
But I saw an opportunity and, immediately, I bit
And somethings are in honest better left to themselves
So I won't **** and mettle in your relationship with someone else.

I'd like to say this; however, because I can't say it enough
I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'm so sorry I broke your trust
And this anger is a first, and a last hopefully
So, again, I'm sorry, please forgive me.

I thought I'd found it
Found you
Found the one.

You fit me
Completed me
Like the moon and the sun.

But you wanted more
Wasn't content
Couldn't be satisfied.

And I hated that
Hated you
And your useless lies.

See, we could have ruled the world
I made a spot in my plan for you
I could have had one of everything
You could have had it too.

Doll, I never quite wanted to break someone
As much as I wanted to put them together
And, no, you didn't manage to hurt me
But you've got me more than bitter.

I wasn't good enough
But here's one last huzzah; we tried
Because you don't get what you did
But here's one last hurrah and goodbye.

Every little sound.
Every person in sight.
Every shadow in a corner.
Every flicker of a light.

Heart starts racing.
Beating out of the chest.
Sweat down the temples.
Shaking like a wreck.

Tears down the face.
Running out of breath.
Mouth desert dry.
Mind so befret.

This is paranoia.
Every second of every day.
This is what I go through.
The fear that always stays.

This is paranoia.
The terror of simple life.
This is how the years will be lived.
Scared and riddled with strife.

I can't sleep on my back
As you've whipped it raw
And before you left
You told me
If I told your wife
If I told my mother
You'd **** me

Mommy, Mommy
I'd like to die
I can't sleep on my back
All I ever do is cry

Because everything hurts
When Father hits me hard
And when you leave for work
Help is much too far

So I take the beatings
And wait for the end
I treat others how I'm treated;
I wait with knife in hand

He enters with a hammer
You're asleep in your room
The knife is in my waistband
Someone will die soon

I run to your room
And I wake you, yelling
And you hold him back
For the first time since this began

And we leave two days later
Never to see him again.

"What are you feeling?"
I don't know.
"Why are you angry?"
I don't know.
"Are you still sane?"
I don't know.
"Are you okay?"
I don't know.

Because this smile on my face is not
An accurate representation of what I feel.
And the mirth in my voice is possibly
Even more false than a mirage.
And the anger is all-consuming yet
There's nothing in me to catch flame.
The sadness settles in like a winter night
And fades away as though it was never mine.

I don't know.
I don't know why I can't cry.
I don't know why I can't care.
I don't know why I can't rage.
I don't know.

I don't know why I idealize death.
I don't know when life became tedious.
I don't know when I lost my dreams.
I don't know when I stopped needing friends.
I don't know when it all began to seem so pointless.

I don't know.
And, at this point, I'm too far gone to care to find out.

I laugh at all your jokes
Am I obvious yet?
I smile whenever you appear
Am I obvious yet?
I make you breakfast, lunch, and desserts
Am I obvious yet?
I you want it, I'll buy it
Am I obvious yet?
I'm never satisfied until I've made you smile
Am I obvious yet?
I'm always on your side
Am I obvious yet?
There's nothing more beautifully heartbreaking than when you cry
Am I obvious yet?
When you're offended, I fight
Am I obvious yet?
When you need company, I talk to you all night
Am I obvious yet

If not, please explain
How I can be more plain
With the way I express emotion
To give you some notion
Of the answer for everything I do
Which, somehow, you still have no clue
Which forces me to convey what I've always knew
*Look, I really like you!

I've devised a little plan
To create a family
Of the people I believe
I can let grow close to me
I'd like to be their sun
As they'll be my skies
And when one of us is hurting
We'll hold them as they cry
We will be the most loving
The most caring family
And my goal is selfless
It begun solely for me

I ****** away
The knife in your hand
And you begin to cry
As I've betrayed you again

"How much longer?"
You'll always ask
"How much longer?"
And I answer, though this won't be the last:

Just a little longer
Maybe one day I won't stop you
Just a little longer
But for now I can't lose you

I turn off the water
Breathe air into your lungs
And your eyes are accusing
Because I've always won

"How much longer?"
You're screaming
"How much longer?"
Tears streaming, and I say

Just a little longer
What if this feeling fades
Just a little longer
And you want to live someday?

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet!

I wasn't there to save you
If you'd waited just a little longer
You'd still be here
And secretly I wish you'd been stronger

She is beauty
Resplendent by her own right
And I cannot look away

Her light burns my eyes
So pure and yet so pained
Yet I cannot look away

She is an amalgamation of emotion
She is a tornado; uncontrollable
She is a force of nature

I cannot look away.

She is moonlight
Soft and unobtrusive
Effulgent yet sombre

I would like to have her
I would like to hold her
I would like to comfort her

I would like to catch the opalescent liquid sorrow
And let it evaporate into the air
And see her healed

I am far too petty not to block you out (I could easily speak)
I will lick my wounds in peace and learn in silence (I will learn what you never intended to teach)
I will never beg for reciprocation, for the same I am willing to give (for the same I will lose the will to give)

I will hold that want to my chest and fold it into the pile of other thoughts I have certainly never pondered (because I am not ****, am mature, would never begin to think...)

When bitten, I am bitter and sour and sweet like rotting fruit (I am vulnerable and still tending old wounds)
When pushed, I am prideful and insecure and hurt like a child (I am willing to listen if there are words to hear)
When tested, I am cold uncaring and invulnerable like stone (I will grow impossibly detached if only given the chance)

I will (hopefully) never be the last to you because (even if I want to), as an adult, I (am trying to) address my problems rather than doing my best to hurt them (I am furious and I will be more angry when I force myself to be calm).

It is dark and beautiful here
The people bleed black rivers
The ground is a golden sore
Festering blue pus

There are shelves and shelves
Shelves filled with files
Some black, some red
Some a vertigo of emotion and color

There are spaces, where files used to be
Where the trauma has been erased
There are flimsy files
Where the trauma has been overwritten

In this beautiful, dark place
There is chaos.
There is no silence
There is no peace

There are two holes
They show something normal
These holes look to a limb
The limb bleeds red

There is silence here.
The limb bleeds after the silver
And there is blissful silence
Until the chaos returns

And so we must repeat.

Though I have never felt my own legs quake
Though I stand firmly behind what decisions I make
Though regret is little more than a vital part of life to me
I consider my actions now; I am wracked with uncertainty.

The things I have choosen to do in life sit with me to vigil
I am far too weak as I currentlyam , my defences are fully riddled
With vulnerabilities I have exacted upon myself, I now review
The life I saw fit to live and the parts of it I now wish to undo.

Birth. I waver. That it may have never happened, that I didn't exist
The childhood I didn't savour. Despite the dreams it saw fit to twist
Pre-adulthood. I falter. I thought so much of what I thought I knew
My feeble hold on maturity. My newfound perplexion at what to do.

I am no longer the child with the world at fingertip and magic in my palm
I am little more than an adult with failing health and a shaky facade of calm
I am no longer stable, unchanging, and tough like the rock I was thought to be
I am wavering, quivering, shaking in terror; I am the manifestation of fragility.

We won't talk much in the future
As we've got other places to be
I no longer crave you
You no longer need me
And deep down I'm disappointed
Because I thought we 'clicked'
In truth, you needed the comfort
And I needed the risk
And so we won't talk much in the future
As time passes we've less to say
And soon there'll be no words at all
At least, I don't think so, anyway

And to you, unlike the one above
We'll talk to each other for a long time
But we'll never mention 'love'
And we'll both regret it someday
I need you most times
And you need me the same
We 'clicked' so fast it could be a crime
And we're both stopping what could be great
I'll move away someday
And our chance will be lost
Three months can't be all we've got
At least, I don't think so, anyway

For you, whom acts just like me
My doppelgänger in the best of ways
I wish we could know each other better
I wish we had more days
We both crave greatness
But to rely on each other won't do
We must make our own success
And then we'll relearn the us we knew
I believe we'll still talk after some years
I don't think our friendship will decay
I know moving won't change much
At least, I don't think so, anyway

And for you who shares my brain
Who holds my soul, my smiles, my thoughts
I don't believe what we have
Will ever begin to rot
No matter where I go
No matter where you are
I love you with every atom I contain
W hen I'm lost you are the North Star
So don't shed a single tear
Keep me near your heart
What we have is permanent
'Till the end and since the start

I don't want to accept
That one day you won't be here
That I won't always see you
That you might not last the year

And I'll mourn you
I'll cry
I'll weep, I swear
But to me you'll never die

Whatever the case
I'll remember your face
I'll remember your words
I'll remember your place

I'll remember your smile
I'll remember your song
I'll remember the way we got along
I swear to God, I'll remember you when you're gone.

I don't want it
Neither do you
Pass it, pass it
To somebody new
Who's fault, who's fault?
Not your's, not you
Who's fault!?
We'll find one or two
To give this to
Because no one want it here
No one wants it at all
Owning up is overrated
Honesty goeth before a fall
So pass the blame
Assumptions with no names
Don't stop this train
Of unattached blame
And we'll never own up
Never say "enough"
And when the blame's far away
We'll raise another up.

She's not done anything to me
And yet I'm as jealous as jealous can be

He's never said a word out of place
He's completely undeserving of this hate

They've never laughed at my hair
Or giggled at the clothes I wear

So why am I mad?
Running with wounds new and raw
It's time to see the truth
And shake it off

Shake off the funk
And years of gunk

Shake it off

Get rid of the ***** laundry
It's time to stop wandering

Shake it off

This is a new life
Smile and wave

This is your right, hold it close
The smile on your face

The joy in your eyes

The peace in your mind

It's all yours
So gather up the bad
And shake it off

Of the happiest folk
Living the happiest lives
Till they're gray and old.

Tell me a story
Of the saddest youth
Just barely surviving
***** and uncouth.

Tell me a story
Tell me a tale
Of pirates, of humans,
On the ocean, set sail!

Tell me a tale
Tell me a story
Then end it.

End the story.
Tell me no more.
Leave the characters in peace.
To fade into lore.

End this story.
End... end me.
End this story
Leave us characters in peace.

Her smile is directly linked to his
In the same way the moon is to the tide
And they smile
And laugh
And cry
Simultaneously
As their hearts beat in sync.

Like two pieces of an endless puzzle
They fit when none of the others do
And they live
And breathe
And die
Together
As one entity.

The world is jealous of their dynamic
But no one is more jealous than me
As I wait
And fret
And rage
Impatiently
For the same dynamic to take me.

I don't what I'm doing
Or what I want to do
I don't know what career I want
To let debt alienate and misconstrue

I don't know how to love
I don't love myself
I don't know how to care
Unless it's about someone else

I don't know how not to panic
I don't know how not to care
I can't dismiss everyone's opinions
I can't pretend that they're not there

I'm just a kid
I know it's hard to believe
But take me at word value
And comfort me, help me, please

I'm just a kid
Stumbling about, acting like an adult
Waiting for anyone to take the lead
Because my little act won't hold

I'm just a kid
Wise and old as the sun
I'm just a kid
I'm stupid and young

That long hair that flows
Right down her back
A rich chocolate brown
Following wherever she goes

Those little coral slips
Just above her chin
Shaped like a heart
Stretched tight when she grins

Those indescribable orbs
Are they brown, blue, green?
But no, it's an amalgamation
That falls somewhere in between

A laugh so bright and contagious
That I join it no matter my mood
So genuine and lovely that when
It's fading I give pursuit

A smile I can't help but mimic
As it's forms around the words
That tickle me to teary laughter
No matter how absurd

And she is my friend
She means the world to me
She's my current standard
My definition of beauty

I never quite understood the worth of tact
Say the words that you mean and don't take them back.
I spoke my mind when I saw it fit to be told
And I may not have been rude but I was always bold.

But here I am biting the tip of my tongue off
Wondering, if I speak, will your laughter stop?
I regret my words and I regret my silence equally
I wonder if you've had enough, are your sick of me?

I never considered that I maybe go too far
I teased too much, laughed a little too hard.
I remember how happy you used to be
I see how that's changed in my company.

I'd like to apologize for being too serious
It's not odd to me, I've always been a mess.
I am sorry for forcing you to be part of a team
I never intended to hurt you despite how it may seem.

I am a nuisance, forgive me this, I tried to hide it
I am shrill and annoying, more than you should put up with.
I am a child masquerading as an adult; I know I'm failing
I am disloyal and filthy- ****, really- I've thought of bailing.

I'm sorry. I hate this. I hate me. I'm not quite sure what I'm living for. I miss being sad for reasons I could understand and fix. I miss October of 2014. If I could go back, I'd have more courage. I'm a **** for thinking that. I'm sorry you met me, I will ******* up. I'm sorry. I'm honestly the worst. So conceited and self interested and superficial and petty and spiteful and ******. I hope you don't hate me in the end. I hope you. I don't know. I hope.

'If I love it let it go'?
**** that, I say
If I love it I'll pin it down
I'll make sure it ******* stays.

I love. I love so much it hurts somedays
And I'd rather die than let go
Than allow it to slip away
Than to let it bring itself low.

My hands are cramping, I can't let go
I am terrified and I'm crying
But if I let go I don't think it'll come back
So I can't, I won't, I'm not even trying.

I want to scream and tear the world apart
I want to burn every suicidal letter I've written
Because I just realized a letter isn't enough
I want to make it better for him, for them.

I think I lost my mind today
Half of the day is a blank blur
I think I might've been hysterical
I laughed so hard but I don't know what for.

If you love it let it go
If it returns it's yours to keep
But if one can't ******* follow
Where the hell do the ends meet?

I'm angry, I'm furious,
I'm absolutely everything
I'm scared, I'm shaking
I can't let the things I love go free.

You are mine, through and through
If only because I want you.
I'm prepared to outline, no hints or clues,
Everything I want to do.

I can't have you though if I don't have it all
I won't keep you though if I can't make you fall
Won't crave you if you aren't in for the long haul
I'm not asking you to kneel, I'm demanding that you crawl.

If you are thinking why are those not thoughts I know
If you are breathing why is your breath not what my lungs blow
If your heart is beating why is that pulse not under my ribs
If you are living why is that life not the one I live?

Undo the stitches of every atom that makes up your skin
Give me your strings and pieces and I'll make you new again.
Let me create you from dust, and water; bring you into being with love
Let me craft you as I want you; all I need is your trust.


And then you will be mine, the way you already are.
And then I will give an inch, will allow us to start.
You will be mine, the way I want you to be.
I will have all of you. You will have some of me.

To you I am the quiet one
I barely say a word
I am unobtrusive and reserved
Never insisting to be heard

To them I am loud
Opinionated and strong
With a laugh loud and boisterous
And a smile that's never gone

To her I am hateful
And though, personally, we've not met
She hates me, can't stand me
The sight of me fills her with upset

To him I am beautiful
To him I am ugly
To him I am mother
How do you see me

I am what you believe
I am what you see
I am that girl who is
All you think me to be

i want you twisted around my finger
around my hand around me
i want your mind i want your soul
i want your blood i want your body

i want to break you let me hurt you
let me rip your mind apart
let me sew your skin back together
give me your soul, give me your heart

we can bleed together you can rip out my tongue
we can sleep together in the morning sun
we can hate each other so intensely we die
we can love each other through the night

im ******* free falling im suffocating
im obsessed with you im intrigued im undone
i want inside your brain your life
i cant get the words off my tongue

i want to cradle you protect you
i want to adore you freely like you deserve
i want to shower you in affection
i want to wrap you up in soft words

But none of this is acceptable to say;
I can control myself, I can refrain.
Would you love me like this, a plastic, thin mask?
Would you love me when I hold the insanity back?

I am here then. I am genuinely untrue.
i am here then in love with but not loving you.
I am here then, my thoughts are pure as driven snow.
i am here then, I am sane, i am here for you.

When I acknowledged
My interest
She revealed her's to me.

I was terrified
But happy
And worried for her sanity.

She deserves much better
So I
Aspire to be more.

Have you ever had a dream that takes up twenty-three hours
Of your daily twenty-four?
And it follows you to work, to get-togethers, to school,
All the way back home.

You want it so badly, would give your heart and mind and
Your uppermost third of your leg on the left side.
And it makes you smile when you think about it because it's amazing.
And you think, you hope, you know you'll make it happen.

And then you come down and remember who and what and why you are.
And that dream is mocking and jeering at you.
That dream is picking at you and you don't have the energy to bat it away
So you let it and it picks away more than you would have given.

You wake up in the morning thinking your whole life's been wasted and,
From the other side of the bed, that dream agrees.
You look at all the people who did it and have it and made it and,
From the other side of the bed, that dream is still mocking you.

When you go to work the dream drapes itself over you, broken and nasty
And no one mentions it because they all have their own dreams
That are doing the exact same thing.
Neither do your friends, or strangers, or family.

When you go home some indeterminable amount of time after that dream
Broke you,
You wrestle it to the floor and fold it three hundred times until it's barely a
Speck.

And you pop it into your mouth and swallow it whole
Pretending you can't hear it screaming and fighting all the way down.
You digest that dream but it's still there, ready to be taken up again but you won't
Because you won't get it now and you won't have it later.

On your way to wherever and whenever you see children laughing
And they hold their dreams up high. They love those dreams and those dreams love them.
And your stomach twists and turns as your dream beats at it
But you keep walking. Keep driving. Keep moving.

You close your eyes and scream and cry but you don't get your dream back
Because it hurt you before and you're not fool enough to try again.
When you go to sleep, it will haunt you.
When you're home alone, it will torture you. You know this.

You go home anyway and it stabs a knife through your abdomen and
You don't flinch at all, it was expected.
And you go to your room and lay down to stare at nothing for an hour or two
Until you think that, maybe, crying will ease the emptiness.

So you think of the saddest things that would send the hardest heart into waterworks
And you wait because, two hundred and eighty-eight hours later
Because one million three hundred and sixty-eight thousand seconds later
You still haven't shed a tear.