I wish for love
real love
ya know the kind of love
you find in books
. . . I wish . . .

I am a tarnished gem
no matter how you cut and polish me
I will always be a dark soul
no matter which light you hold me in
I will always be a forgotten land
no matter how you chart my waters
I will always be the unsolved labyrinth
no matter how many times you “find” my heart
I will always be a phantom itch
no matter how many times you tear at the skin
I will always be a slow disease
no matter what “cure” you find
I will always be the rotten apple of your eye
despite all the parts you carve out
I will always be the withering flower in your garden
even after all the times you nurture me back to health
I am a book of doubts
no matter how many compliments you write on my pages
I am the second star to the right
no matter how you try to steal me from the sky
I am a cloud
despite your need to catch me
I will always be the fire that burns your veins
no matter how you try to ease the burn
I am a jagged scar
despite your attempts to erase me
I will always be the forgotten land riddled with hidden treasure
no matter how you navigate my uncharted sea’s

I feel like
I always talk about
Music
and all it's beauty
the things it
Creates
but never the moments
that make it all worth it
I feel like I
Never
talk about the people who share my world
and all the amazing moments
that bind us together

So . . . here I go

I may not say I care
But
I know you feel it too when
we just click
and everything falls
into place
our music breathes life
into our sulken eyes
and pulses through
our slowly bleeding veins
and I know you can feel it twining, threading
and weaving itself around our tall straight
bodies forming an invisibly tangible bond and
we know we have created magic
with our fingertips

I know I kept my distance
but I was always just a bit lonely
and now we sit with our backs pressed
against the wall and read each others
poetry silently
we don't need to say a thing
to feel at ease

We keep each other
Safe
no matter what
or who comes inbetween
I am your protector
and you are mine
we pick each other up when we fall
and never say a word
because it's ok to fall sometimes
and if I'm feeling down
you make me laugh till my sides hurt
and there's no one
I'd rather work with
and no one better to reminisce with

No matter our shared history
I will always love you
and cherish the bond we share
even now
you were my best friend once
and though I am no longer your first
I still care and
I still love to hear your stories
even if you're high
and I'll still be the first to jump to your defense
working with you will always be
one of the best things I'll ever do
I hope you'll never forget
the way we clicked
and the music came alive and found
Home in our bones

Though we all must
eventually part ways
I swear I'll never forget your face
the voice we made
and the memories etched
in the lines of my skin
and I hope you
will do the same
just in case
we ever meet
again
some day

These scars that we gain from the war
they remain for the rest of our days they never fade
these battle scars will never go away
are never going to change

Every mark that mars our smooth skin is a constant reminder,
a reminder of the pain, the loss and the hopelessness
the scars we create on our hearts
coincide with the ones inflicted upon us

Every drop of blood is a broken memory
the wind a whispered companion
the tears always the crack before the flood
and the pain always the calm before the raging storm

I realized I’m the one my friends come to with their problems
trusting me to be the one to fix these broken dams
to salvage the fire
to fix these scars
to save these lives
to smile and pretend like I have everything under control
when really I’m breaking on the inside
I'm grasping at straws
taking a shot in the dark
never really knowing if it will help
I let them cry on my shoulder
hold them until they stop whispering about how it will be alright
but honestly I don’t know if it will
I can feel the guilt gnawing at my insides
knowing I can’t save these delicate lives
I can feel the secrets weighing down on me
itching to be free of this troubled mind
secrets so dark and raw most would crumble
but I stay strong
no tears no emotion not a flicker of . . . anything
these lives resting in the palm of my hands
no pressure . . . right

I don’t know what it is about me that people trust
maybe it’s because
I like to think that I can fix anything
like when my step dad was told one of his intestines didn’t work
I comforted my mother as she cried on my shoulder
I liked to think that if I kept them close I could keep the pain at bay
I took care of my two little brothers while she sat in the hospital
waiting, worried about him surviving the surgery
later it was announced that he needed another surgery
once again mom laid her head on my shoulder
he survived but earned another scar
another life or death surgery under his belt

My sister was so sick she couldn’t hold anything down
constantly throwing up sometimes dry heaving
always dizzy and sleepy
making her irritable
she spent two weeks in the hospital
maybe a little longer
mom cried next to me on the couch worried sick about her
she asked how I was doing I told her I was fine, it’s going to be alright
even though I myself wondered and worried afraid for her life
I went to see her a few times
no one could figure out what was wrong with her
they diagnosed and treated her but to no avail
in fact she got worse
they diagnosed her again last minute
had they waited any longer she would be dead
she has diabetes

My grandma fell down her tile and concrete stairs
mom was scared for her, she could have hit her head and bled out
she couldn’t walk very well without help
she was diagnosed with M.S.
she now lives with my aunt in Puerto Rico

My step dad was diagnosed with cancer
I remember mom sat me down to tell me tears streaking down her cheeks
with his useless father standing behind her
she asked me how I was doing
I stared at her with a blank face and hugged her
the reality of it all didn’t hit me until I saw him laying in a hospital bed
tubes coming out of every inch of exposed skin
I went home that night and cried
mom worked all the time now to pay for the hospital visits, chemo
and everything in-between
I took care of my brothers almost all the time now
while my useless grandfather sat on his *** in front of the television
every now and then telling me how to take care of the boys
I raised them I know how to care for them go back to sitting on your ***
don't force feed my brother
stop deliberately disobeying our rules
you're an *** never giving a **** that your son was dying
all you cared about was your stupid television
you didn't give a **** about the safety of your grandsons
and after months of extreme anger and depression
of punching things and yelling
going off at the smallest insignificant things
my stepdad was finally in remission
and finally we were able to rid ourselves of my grandfather's toxic presence

I remember my mothers friend telling us she’s six weeks pregnant
she almost lost the baby
she wanted me to be her babysitter
we were so excited and picked out baby names
only to lose the baby days later
my heart broke alongside her own
her boyfriend left her and said
in his country men can leave their wives because they can't bear a child
mom’s eyes watered
I tell her it’s ok next time we know what to do
she’s at the age where having a baby is harder to do
she let her emotions out in front of me wanting to be strong for Yendy
I put my own feelings aside to comfort her

I helped my friend through the pain
of watching her little sister try to end her life
I stopped pursuing my crush
I put aside all feelings for him and avoided him
knowing he would ask about my problems and try to comfort me
as he had done so many times before
I gave my friend advice on how to talk to her sister
gave her comfort when she struggled to keep her tears back
advised her to listen to her sister
told her to subtly encourage her to dump her horrid friends

I barely slept staying up all night to talk to my best friend
she was going through a difficult breakup
I tried my best to mend her broken heart

I barely ate when a friend was betrayed by his girlfriend
I played referee for another friend and her boyfriend
once again I stopped all advancements in my life giving them my advice
now I realize
I always seem to put my life on hold for my friends
I fix these broken dams
I salvage the fire
I fix these scars
I save these lives
I have everything under control
I know what I’m doing
I’m the strong one so you don’t have to be

It's not my
Heart
that's broken
it's my
Soul
unwinding itself
into millions
of decaying pieces
seeping out of my skin like
broken glass
starving my lungs and
killing my mind
slowly burning my blood away
until I'm nothing
but a wilted shell of rotten flesh
and shattered bones

These days it feels like the walls are
closing in on me
I can feel myself slipping away
becoming oblivious to my cage
only seeing the sun
so desperate to be free
I keep running into the bars
frantically trying to reach the sun

I don't know
how much longer I can cope
with the demons
in my head
and monsters under my bed
I feel the walls caving in
crumpling like
paper
slowly giving way
to the pressure
slowly fracturing and tearing
at the structure
of my
Barely. Breathing. Heart.

I can’t do this anymore
something has to change

I love you
I miss you
and I never meant to hurt you

I won’t say I’m sorry
because isolating myself
is the best thing
I’ve ever done for me
I’m finally getting to know myself again
and now I know why
I was never happy

The thing is
I was too caught up with
you and your messes
to realize
I was beginning to unravel
from the inside out

I was too busy making sure
everyone else
got their own happy ending
that I forgot
who I am
and what I needed

Now I realize
I needed
more

I need someone
to remind me to breathe
to step away
keep my sanity
stitch myself together
and bleed my own sorrows

Everything
you are, resided in me
everything
they needed flowing in my
veins
every dream
slept in my heart
and yet
everything
that I am was
nowhere to be found
and I can’t be that again

So this is goodbye
to the girl I used to be
and sleepless nights
worrying about
tomorrow’s sorrows
wishing
I could take the pain away
'til one day
I did
and never stopped
I whittled myself away
until I was nothing
without the pain plaguing you
and those around me

I became addicted
to ******* the pain out of you
and into me
inflating myself back to life
just so you wouldn’t disappear
I never showed it but
I was slowly
going insane
always needing more pain

You always said
I never wanted stability
and you were right
because if everything was alright
I had no clue who I was
and I couldn’t
fill myself back to life

My breath caught
the words abandoned me
my Heart collapsed
it shivered then crumbled,
quivering
in it’s shattered state
I stared at an empty sheet of paper
trying to fill the blank spaces
but all I see is scenes of the past
they flow over the page like water
taunting me
screaming soundlessly
writhing and twisting like monstrous nightmares
these shadows I tried to contain
these demons I tried to drown
the past I tried to suppress
but they refuse to be ignored
No they demand my attention like greedy beasts
they claw at my mind
Demanding I let them out of their cage
it’s tempting
but letting them out would break me
they bear the memories I wish I could burn
they carry the pain he left
the insecurities he loved to force upon my mind
all the tears I wasted on them
worst of all they throw my fear and guilt at me
these monstrous nightmarish demons
claw at my soul while they tear at my mind
they beg for my destruction
and I can feel them getting free
the tears race down my cheeks to stain my chest
my eyes finally see the fading scars on my skin
and my body once again learns to hate itself
my mind commits every imperfection to memory
and whispers
“you’ll never be good enough”
the tears come faster
my mind whispers
“you can not ignore these demons”
my body screams at me
my mind whispers
“there is no escape, no way to appease me”
my bones tremble in disgust
my mind whispers
“you will never be loved”
my soul cries out
my mind whispers
“you'll never be enough, only I can 'love' you”
my heart bleeds
my mind whispers
“only I truly know how ugly and scarred you are"
My breath caught
the words abandoned me
my Heart collapsed
it shivered then crumbled,
quivering
in it’s shattered state
I stared at an empty sheet of paper
trying to fill the blank spaces
only to find blood spattered pages

I wasn't born here
though this is where I spent most of my life
and where all my friends are
I used to visit my family in Puerto Rico
but it's been six years since I last saw them
I planned on going back this summer to see them
but I can't
I realized I may never go back
my aunt, cousin and uncle are coming here
and there will be no reason to go back
my grandma will come visit us
instead of us seeing her
but I miss the beach
and rain forests
I miss the mountains
the warmth
the view
I miss the food
and the crowded cities
and the street vendors that came with it
I miss the smell of the ocean
and the forest
the ice cream and guava jelly donuts
god how I crave the taste of home
I miss the friendly people
and stacked houses
and riding in the cab of my uncles truck
I want to swim in the waterfalls
and come across the ice cream man
while we walk through the forest
and buy mango ice cream from his cart
I want to tan on the beach
while a man gets his Cheetos stolen by a bird
and a group of friends blares music from giant red speakers
I want to walk along the shore barefoot
sand squished between my toes
and the wind scenting me with the ocean and forest
I want to sit on my grandma's porch
and laugh with my family
and watch as a Chameleon crawls across the railing
changing colors as it runs by unnoticed
and most of all
I want to wake up every morning
to the smell of breakfast
and my family being noisy and laughing
trying to get things done and bumping into each other
teasing each other about being clumsy
and planning what to do for the day already
but knowing we'll end up winging it anyway
just doing what we want when we want
I miss my little island
and I miss the joy and excitement it always brings me
sometimes I wonder why we stayed here
when we had family waiting for us to return
and we so obviously couldn't stay away for long
I miss everything about
my beautiful little island

They say Leprechauns
waiting with pots of gold at the end of the rainbow
are nothing but myths
They say there is no end to rainbows
but I say
follow your dreams
and go catch your Leprechaun
find your *** of gold
hidden deep within the meadow
and you’ll find
the end of your rainbow was worth the chase

Lets be honest with ourselves for a minute
do you really know what love is?
What it means to be in love?
What its like to fall in love?
Sure you nod your head and think to yourself yeah of course,
who doesn’t?
But the thing is having an idea of love is not knowing
all we do is come up with ideas
nobody really knows
the thing with love is that it's not describable
we do our best but you have to ask yourself and be honest
Do I know what love is?
Have i ever fallen in love?
Am I really in love?
Well I guess those questions then lead to the real question,
what is the difference between love and lust?
Well here’s my idea
there is no such thing as Being in love
no fallen and hit rick bottom no way back kind of love
I believe that you don’t just suddenly find yourself being in love
you don’t fall in love with someone you just met
sure maybe there’s a connection
but don’t mistake that for love at first sight
it’s just more of a feeling
the kind you get when you’re around someone that seems similar to you
or seems similar to someone you know and love
maybe there’s something about them that strikes a chord with you
I believe there is no such thing as fallen
there is no I’ve fallen, I’m there, it’s done, Yay I’m in love!
No you fall and you fall and you fall
and you keep falling
everyday of every second of every moment
every word from his tongue sends you into a daze
every kiss spiraling into a pit of fire
the uncontrollable burning in your belly kind
the kind that warms you completely from the inside out
and every time you get bored no matter where you are
you can’t seem to help but think about him
all the funny things he said and did
every time he said I love you but you didn’t say it back, still he kissed you
when he held you in his arms and didn’t say a word
you laced your hands together loving the comfortable silence
knowing words are not needed to say everything
and nothing at the same time
all the times you cuddled on the couch talking all night
After he left you wrapped your arms around yourself thinking about it
your phone goes off and he’s calling you
butterflies swirl in your stomach as excitement makes your heart pound
you answer with an excited hello and a bright smile
you talked on the phone the rest of the night until you fell asleep
and you fell even harder
it’s when he brings you food and coffee in the middle of the night
because you can’t sleep
so you sit in the grass in your backyard cuddled against him
you don’t mind being alone with him because he makes you feel safe
it’s when you feel a hollow ache in the pit of your belly
craving his presence
when you’ve been around him a million times
yet each time you see him the butterflies come fluttering back
and shivers pleasantly run down your spine
he wraps an arm around you and you know you're still falling
and always will be

Fire is believed to be deadly, dangerous and destructive
but there’s so much more to these bright flames.
It’s also beautiful,
the way it sways in a slight breeze,
almost hypnotic,
Bringing light to the darkest of shadows,
heat to the coldest of nights.
Fire is associated with all types of evil
but the truth is fire isn’t evil or good it’s those who wield it.
Fire is not the ultimate weapon of destruction
it’s not just the thing associated with hell.
Fire is beautiful, destructive and perfect in it’s own way.
While most prefer Water, cool and soothing
or Earth, alive and peaceful
even Air, gentle and refreshing
I prefer Fire, hypnotic, unpredictable, stunning and warm.
We use the word fiery to describe one’s personality or attitude
and while yes the other elements are unpredictable
it’s not really the first word that pops into one's head.
To be fiery is a compliment and yet fire itself is somehow bad
it’s not bad it’s more like an untrained puppy
a wolf just learning to hunt.
It’s mysterious, wild, eccentric and unyielding.

Dear stupid useless emotions,
I hate you
with a burning passion.
Passion, why are you even around?
All you do is make me over sensitive on my worst days
quickly wearing on my thinly stretched mind.
Hate why do I rely on you so much?
I swear you are the one I turn to the most.
You surround me in a comforting blanket of fire.
I love and hate you.
Love, you do nothing but cause me pain and yet just like Hate
you make me feel warm.
Jealousy, you are the monster that lives in me.
I try to escape you, but you follow this hollow soul of mine
no matter where it runs to.
Lust, you aren’t even on my radar.
Sure you make me
infatuated with people
but the thing is I don’t really care who you like or want me to like,
it’s not happening.
Fear, I have a few words for you. Get the **** out.
I fear nothing.
Pride, what the hell are you doing?
You take over my mind seeping into my crevices
and I can’t truly get over you.
You turn me into one of the ****** bags I always despised.
Wrath, you seem to make up the very essence of my being and I hate it.
I hate you but you protect me like no one else can.
How do I live with you?
How do I live with the knowledge of your darkness?
Wrath and Pride,
you turn me into the monster I swore I’d never be.
You protect me and push everyone away before they can even
glimpse the real me.
Protecting my heart and all it’s secrets.
Protecting the me behind the mask.
Dear stupid useless emotions,
I need you the way I need air to breathe, to keep my heart beating,
to stay alive.
Just. One. More. Day

Why do I always hold my breath
when I’m near him?
Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid
to breathe in his scent
slowly, unconsciously, gravitating towards him
getting lost in his arms
as he catches me as I begin to fall

I’m standing right there yet you don’t see me
instead walking away with someone else
I feel so small and insignificant
unwanted and out of place

her hand looks so nice in his
I hate all these couples
surrounding me
teasing and taunting me

I think of these things and
I can feel the loneliness start to build in my veins
the tightness in my chest
and the sharp pin needles attacking my heart

I can’t seem to help but despise these
happy thoughts
all the butterflies in my belly
and the way my pulse races in your presence
so I pulled off the wings of the butterflies
they died and can no longer flit about
I held my heart in place and breathed deeply
so my pulse no longer reacts to you

I killed all of the happy thoughts
shooting them down
and leaving them to rot
I pulled the feathers out of my dove angel wings
now replaced with punctured moth wings
and threw my halo out the window
now replaced by devil horns

Instead of looking to the sun
I now look to the moon
thoughts of sun shine and laughter
make me sick
I stick to the shadows and broken echoes
of a long forgotten land

I can’t seem to learn to love the
happy thoughts
anymore
barely able to stand myself
let alone you

I belong behind a Piano
fingers gently splayed across the keys
keeping time with my toes
I long to have a Cello between my knees
the button
pressed against my chest
every note vibrating through my limbs
my shoulder and right hand feels empty
without a Violin to keep them company
weaving my melody through the air with silver thread
stitching together the accompaniment and counter melody
while the bass thrums through the floors fusing us together with it’s
heartbeat
my fingers twitch filled with the need to touch the thin cords of a Harp
every lyrical note smoothing my frayed edges
lulling me into a daze
colors swirling behind my half lidded eyes
the lullaby flows from my fingertips
softly wrapping itself around me like a safety blanket
the musician in me craves music the way a ****** needs ******
my body sways to the music in my head
my soul belongs to the thrum and hum of the music
my heart belongs to the bone deep vibrations of every note
surrounded by music
the heartbeat of the bass pulsing through my veins
I have found where I belong
the place my soul, body and mind finds peace
I have found home
in the reverberating notes of the Cello
the thrumming heart of the Bass
the steady pulse of the Piano
the lilting lullaby of the Harp
and the Violin’s silver melody

I love my friends more than anything in this world
they are my family
my everything
so for one friend to devastate another
is difficult to witness
the agony written all over his face
the anguish in his eyes
it’s almost too much to bear
the sorrow and anger he felt so deeply flows into me
I feel it as if I were the one betrayed
I’m so scared to leave him alone, afraid of what might happen
I try to comfort him but it doesn’t seem to work
I have no clue what to do
how can I make this better?
I want to take away the suffering and ease the anger
to be the one abused
I would rather be the tormented and broken one
the one to feel so low I go into hibernation and think about hurting myself
to be the one with scars on my arms
to be so ****** up that I can’t seem to think straight
I would do it if it meant my friends could be free of their pain
to laugh again with no tears in sight
to be carefree
to love running around chasing one another
wrestling and rolling around in the grass landing in a puddle of mud
throwing snowballs at each other
and dancing in the rain
maybe it’s a foolish thing to wish for but it’s all I want
I need to take away this pain
to fix this problem
to ***** it out like a candle
I need him to know that I’m here and never leaving
that this pain is only temporary
you still have friends
we’re here for you
I’m here
I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again
so please don’t shut me out
I worry and no matter what you say I know your not fine
your not getting over this you’re so hung up on it
but it’s ok, let it go
things will work out for the better
it may take many years but until then I promise I will be here
I will be your anchor
that keeps you from blowing away
and if need be I will take the pain and make it my own
I will take the razor and press it to my skin
I will cry the tears
I will drink the alcohol
I will smoke the tobacco
or whatever it is you like to smoke
I will stay up all night
I'll starve myself
I will hide beneath the covers
I will wallow in the misery
just so you can be free of it all

I feel dry and
empty
like a dried up well
I can feel the black thoughts
taking over my mind
Whispering
sweet evil nothings
in my ear
dripping with honey laced poison
I feel the depression
sinking into my bones
taking root in my blood stream
and poisoning my mind
I feel the hatred
slowly infecting my soul
like cancer
it never goes away
I feel the cracks forming
slowly, subtly
spreading across my skin
like spider webs
just waiting until I break
I feel myself start to shatter
the darkness within
leaking out
infecting those around me
and at the same time
******* in the world's evil shadows
my body now a host for
the dark light I always adored
Madness
taking residency in my eyes
Hatred
poisoned my soul
Depression
made my flesh and blood
overtook my mind
lives in my bones
and now I see only red
all I know is the bitter taste of life
and the sweet honey of poison
I live with the dark light
it thrives inside me
and soothes the burning of my heart
I no longer know myself
I love the moon
the chaos she brings
and the innocent screams
of her victims
as the madness takes over

If any of my friends died
I don’t think I could handle it
the pain would be
too much
I would drown in grief
my tears would never stop flowing
my heart would shatter
and there would be no fixing or mending
no amount of stitching
or patchwork
could ever fix my broken heart
I’d never live again
I would simply wander aimlessly
like a broken shadow
my soul would disappear
trying to escape all of the pain
my bones would barely
support my weight
and all of the kings horses and all of the kings men
couldn’t put me back together again
no amount of comfort
or sweet kind words would ever gain my genuine smile
nor any amount of funny wordplay and silly jokes
would ever bring back my laughter
I would be hollow and empty
because my friends are my family
and I have given each and every one of them a piece of my soul
a piece of my heart
and all of my trust
and losing even just one
is like losing a piece of myself
and without that piece I would be lost

There is no saving me
no matter how hard you try
but I'll keep myself afloat
just for the sake of those depending on me
to keep their heads above water
and help them back to shore

I'll keep on smiling and laughing
hiding the darkness
that lurks just beneath the skin
and I'll keep being selfless
to save you before it's too late

I will hide the shattered pieces
so as not to burden you
and pretend I'm not dying on the inside
to keep from giving you false hope
I'll keep you safe from the harshness of the world
and carry the weight of our secrets
to save you from my fate
and I won't let my broken dying soul
seep through the cracks of my mask

I'll keep the side you don't see
behind locked doors
exactly where it needs to be
locked behind those doors and under
the bed inside my head

And I'll make sure all you see is the
vibrant color of my cheeks
and selfless nature
I'll keep you from the worst parts of me
because I can never be
the girl you thought you knew
I will always be
the monster lurking just beneath

I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment
so dim witted
I’m sorry I can’t recall every minor detail
so oblivious to the world
I’m sorry I can no longer carry a tune
like when I was a child
I’m sorry I never lived up to your standards
so high I could not even glimpse them
I’m sorry I failed to be your perfect princess
too small and frail
I’m sorry I was never the musician she was
so awkwardly sitting
clumsily manipulating the strings
I’m sorry I never excelled the way she did
so distracted and unwilling
I’m sorry I never followed your laws
to many to count on my fingers
struggling to be free
I’m sorry I did the things I did
ashamed of who I was and confined
I’m sorry I made you cry
so depressed, my insecurities being repeated back at me
as if I didn’t say it to myself every time I looked into the treacherous mirror
I’m sorry I’d rather lose my self in poetry than your games
so confused and lost in this world
I’m sorry I can’t even keep my friends happy
anxiously shy and afraid to disappoint
I’m sorry about who I am
so wild and untamed like fire
I’m sorry I never turned out slightly like you wanted
banging against the windows begging to be free
I’m sorry your interests never drew me in
always alone with my thoughts and buried in a book
and I’m sorry for everything that I am and everything I’m yet to be
I hate to disappoint but there’s nothing I can do
I’m sorry my soul body mind and blood are riddled with imperfections
every breath toxic and infectious
I don’t mean to infect
I am a walking disease so please don’t come too close
I never meant to infect
just let me be in peace and I swear you won’t catch my disease
my toxic poison will never touch your lips
I’m sorry my imperfections have marred your skin
I don’t mean to seek your destruction
but it seems I have no control in who catches my slow disease

I am a terrible friend

I forgot
to tell my friend happy birthday
the day before
because I wouldn't see her
on the day of her birthday

I was too stuck in my own head
that I forgot
another friend's cousin died
today was the funeral

I barely know what's going on
with friends who
used to be so close
but are now distant memories

I'm never around
the reasons being my own
and now
nobody cares to tell me anything

I'm so ****** at myself
and yet
I can't help but
know that there's ways
to reach me
other than in person
but nobody cares enough
to do so

I don't know
if it's my fault or theirs

Yes I'm scarcely seen
in the flesh
anymore
but I have a phone, email,
hell they know where I live

So why doesn't anyone
contact me?

Why am I being
left out in the cold?

Why have I become
a distant memory?

What am I supposed to do?
All these thoughts
race through my head
and yet I can't catch a single one

I can't help but
let these thoughts drown me
and hope for relief

Those who Dance to the Music are
considered Insane by those who cannot Hear it.

But are we not all insane?
Are we not part of the same life of sound, music and death?
Are we not all behind the same wall?

We're all insane. It's just that not everyone knows it.
Which is why they're staring at me because I'm humming.

I'm sure everyone knows they're insane but refuse to admit it.
So they stare and judge.

Probably.
Of course, we're absolutely mental.
We're mad.
All the best people are.
But the really insane ones are those who think they're normal.

Yet they send us to mental institutions.

Because they honestly don't realize . . . we all have monsters.
We stopped running from the ones under our beds, when we realized
they were inside of us.
We're all monsters.
No avoiding it.

No one gives a ****
about me anymore

I give too many *****
and now I'm lost
all over again

I wish for rain to strip me clean
carrying away all the pain.
I wish for sunshine and hot temperatures to warm my skin and
remind me to leave behind the things that weigh me down.
I wish for someone to understand me
not the me that wears the mask but the me when it crumbles away.
I wish for my friends to tell me what the hell is going on
and not just leave me in the dark,
especially when I’m needed.
I know I’ve pulled away, not for lack of love but a need to
re-introduce myself
to my own mind and the ways it’s changed.
I wish I was needed even just a little bit. I know I’m not the gentlest soul
and my hands aren’t soft the way yours are.
I know my hands are rough and demanding and harsh,
but I try to to be gentle and comforting.
I just need to know you’ll want me to be there when all else fails.
And I need a little love. Real Love for me
and not the frail thinly veiled love for my mask and unfailing loyalty.

Just a snippet of my life
as if that would
Unravel
my being
But I am not made of a
single snippet
that molded me
I am many snippets
pieced together
to create a vast and flowing river
of memories and experiences
that defined me
I am made of many molds
and countless masks
scars buried beneath my bones
and secrets burning through my veins
I am not a single person
but many
I have not one voice
but a million
all merging and melding and overlapping
each other
for just one word
my demons and angels carry
pieces of my whole
I am a puzzle
that no one knows
quite how to put together
there is no answer key
no guide
just my broken scars
and fractured memories

Chances are
I’m going to lose it all
my passion for music
and love of writing
my friends
family
and all our memories
close relationships
lost at sea
slowly floating to the bottom
like specks of golden dust
only to be discovered
when it’s too late
and I’m gone

He sobbed with a look of depression and wept hopelessly,
The sky was
A dark, melancholy blue
He felt dejected and disappointed

She said he felt lost

She felt sullen,
Seeing the loneliness
Sweep across his features

His heart compressed within his chest,
Tears fell from his eyes as he tried to tear his heart from his rib cage
Knowing he’d always be a failure

She sobbed while holding back tears,
Never looking back at his crumpled figure.
The sky was a midnight blue
And she knew they would never be the same.

Nothing for these strangers would ever be the same,
For she had broken both their hearts
And he had not the strength to hold all the pieces

The black sky stretched above them
Like velvet, stars scattered across its surface

He wept

She walked away

He crumpled

She sobbed

He suffocated

She drowned

Their red string frayed and decayed
While the moon sat high among the stars
Illuminating their crumbling world

“Oh what a beautiful life”
We cut watermelon cubes
while her brother keeps us company,
Gretchen peels potatoes
beside us
Conversation and Silence flowing naturally
and comfortably
While memories of the pool
float in my mind

“So we try to live like it’s all we got”
What started as
dipping our legs in and talking,
music softly pulsing
out of my headphones in the background
as we laughed,
turned into Myth Busters
proving the rumor of hearing a **** whistle blown below water
being heard above
is complete *******
Suddenly I’m underwater, hearing the whistle go off
I’m completely soaked
Standing on the ledge, grabbing her arm
I pull us under
we swim around
Splashing and laughing
chasing one another
our clothes a lost cause
but we don’t care
simply enjoying the glowing moon
and bright stars

“Gives us just one perfect night”
Laughing
and Jostling each other around
Leaving the pool behind
I grin
Gretchen still peeling and cutting potatoes
began making conversation
and the memories
Slowly
Fade away

I get the feeling something is missing
a hole in my memory
a tear in my belly
an ache in my heart
I can’t seem to put my finger on it
no clue as to what caused it
this hollow feeling tears through my body
it eats at my insides
my mind starts to pound
searching for answers seeking out every dark secret
hoping to find the source of this emptiness,
this thing,
this cold tendril of fire whips through me reopening deep wounds
only bits and pieces are coming back
flashes of fire and tears
relief and anger
rain and laughter
but it’s not the same
things are changed but I don’t know what
and it’s not in the right order
I delve deeper into the dark fire that is my memories
only to find a burning blackness swirling just beneath the skin
slivers of twirling silver memories threading itself through the inky black fog
nothing is in the right order but I write it down anyway
hoping the rest will come back
but it’s only bits and pieces
and I’m tearing my hair out
wracking my brain
I’m going to go insane
and these bits and pieces are not enough

I live in a world of
gentle manipulative hands
and fingertips
my world is made up of
bodies curled around instruments
passionate notes
meticulously planned stories
and eccentric details
my world revolves around
the subtle nuances
and lush touches of vibrato
this world I live in
is marked
with fingerprints
covering the walls and floors
limbs and breathes
eyes and preps
blood and the air we breathe
this world I am apart of
is unlike any other
it lives and breathes
it speaks and moves
it vibrates through my bones
and says
home
passion fills the air
and ground beneath my feet
creativity runs freely
and thoughts are expanded upon
changed and made better
and with each piece
comes a new fingerprint
a new voice
and a new partner in crime
the family grows
and so does our world
welcoming the initiates with open arms
and loving lullabies
and when the stars come out
you can hear the chanting of the bass
the lilting violin
and the vibrating presence of the cello
the viola and piano
adding their voices to the mix
creating one multifaceted voice of liquid honey

I found myself stranded on
Neverland
with no way to fly
and no star to show me the way
'till one night
as I closed my eyes
a shadow appeared and a boy
close on his heels
they tumbled and rolled before my feet
Boy and Shadow became one
and grinned at me
"Peter Pan"
he said to me
playing a tune
and swore he just wanted
to talk for a while

Laying amongst the tiger lilies
I so adored and staring up at the stars
He asked me to be his
When I asked why he simply replied
"I once saved you from
Captain Hook."
"I’ll keep you safe."
"I promise you’ll never be lonely.”
Foolishly, I agreed
and he took me to his
Hiding Tree
where spiteful Tinkerbell
tried to be rid of me
for I was Self-Composed, Human & Withdrawn,
everything she was not.
He taught me how to fly,
showed me every nook and cranny
of his world by moonlight.
And I fell in love
with the way, his eyes shone like fireflies
and his pure and genuine laugh.
He was enthralling
and magnetic
always so carefree
and reckless

How wonderful it was

'Till Wendy bird came along
for she was Kind, Romantic & Empathetic
everything I was not
all I could do was watch
as they flew through Neverland
by moonlight
She fell hopelessly in love
with his recklessly playful nature
and hypnotic charms

Yet every night
Wendy gazed down
to see the girl
with the crow feather in her hair
laying amongst the flowers she was named
with Tinkerbell by her side.
Whenever she asked Peter why
he simply replied
“She is as Wild as she is Beautiful.
She cannot be contained
by the hollow walls of my Hiding Tree
Nor the boundaries of her village."

Then one night
when Wendy bird left
and Peter returned to Hangman’s Tree
he found Tiger Lily gone.
Every night he’d fly above
Neverland
only to glimpse
her crow feather
but all he found was an empty space
belonging
to her ghost
whispering
"Peter Pan
Take my hand and fly away
to Neverland
where the beast
within
can be free"

Tinkerbell never did say where she’d gone
only to leave her be.
Her wild beast no longer had a home.

Peter Pan
would never see her again
He had broken his Lily's heart

Ya know I spent most of my life being
Ignored and forgotten.
At first I was bullied about my height
and ears and
just about everything else.
And then I built a wall and a mask
so that everyone would think I didn’t care
and it worked for awhile.
In fact it still does.
But the thing is I got angry
and I made it so
Nobody would dare say a word about me.
I was left alone
and that was fine by me, but
at the same time
it consumed me, became all I had.
And I guess you could say
I was lost at that point.
I had no friends,
a terrible relationship with my family,
I barely slept or ate, my grades were horrible.
All I had was my anger,
my walls, my mask, my thoughts
and myself.
I hated that.
But it's what I needed.
Because without my darkest parts
I would never be able to
appreciate my better half and the person I’ve become.
Yet it’s my darkest parts
I always seem to turn to for comfort.
It’s always been my default,
something to protect me I suppose.
But I am so sick and tired of being ignored.
So I made it impossible to ignore me.
Because being ignored and forgotten was the
one thing I couldn’t,
still can’t stand.

Secrets
we all have them
and denying that fact is stupid
no matter how close you are with someone
there’s still
something you haven’t said
and will probably never admit to
and if you have great
but likeliness is whoever knows is sworn to secrecy
and nobody else knows
in fact you’d probably **** to keep it safe
destroy those who shouldn’t know
and bury the ashes
see the thing about secrets
is that it’s the most
precious
part of who we are
it’s the thing that made us who we are
and continually molds us even now
because you see
our secrets are the very monsters
we created
that lurk within us at all times
it’s the rawest form of our very essence
and too much of ourselves
to simply give away
it’s that selfish, greedy part of our souls
that claw at our insides
and whisper
as sweetly and darkly as shadows and honey
driving us insane
and unbearably reckless
never caring what it is that soothes the burn
just that it’s dulled
but the thing is the weight of it comes
crashing back down on you
and forces you to your knees holding you captive
with it’s icy fingertips
and brands itself on you with burning eyes
paving the way for
guilt and fear
becoming the new guiding light
and north star of your moral compass
let me tell you
nothing good comes from this compass
it doesn’t lead you to paradise
nor does it lead you into the silent escape you long for
hell it’s job is to claw
it’s way through your soul
bursting free from the prison of your body
and dance to beat of your
slow destruction

Set me on fire
go ahead and light the match
soak me in gasoline
and watch me burn like the sun
watch as my hair turns black
my skin a darker shade of golden brown
watch as my eyes turn to swirling pools of chocolate
listen to the way I scream
the agonizing burn of my flesh
the searing of my blood
and somehow I've never felt so alive
so set me on fire
go ahead and light the match
soak me in gasoline
watch me burn
knowing
the day I died was the day I lived

LOOKS, LOOKS, LOOKS
that's all anyone ever talks about anymore
and I'm so **** sick and tired of it

People
insult me and put me down
but what they don't realize is
I put myself down
every single time I look in the mirror

So I avoid looking at my reflection
hoping to escape my demons
Praying that my very presence won't offend
wishing my eyes would stop seeking
the imperfections

I'm surrounded by guys
and being the only girl I'm a target
they take their chance
and one by one take a shot at me
They say it's only teasing but if that were true
then why do you always say these things?

So before they can diss me
I diss myself
I always say dissing myself
is better than being dissed

They tell me I'm beautiful one minute
then claim to rather commit suicide than
be attracted to me
and I hide beneath clothes
hiding my body as best as I can
and hide my identity with my hair

I remember being compared to other girls
they were always angels
and I was just the monster hiding under the bed

Ask anyone and they'll say I'm strong
nothing will ever hold me down
but that I'm a little insecure
but they don't know that
beneath the rough exterior is just a girl
with a heart
begging to be loved

I've always been the strange quiet one
with her face stuck in a book
a passion for music
and a love of writing

But back in elementary
I never ate breakfast
a few spoonful's of yogurt for lunch
and a bite or two of dinner
I was so skinny my family called me
Flaca, skinny in spanish

Everyone always said
"you're just so skinny and small"
and never glanced at me twice
but now that I eat they all say
"you're such a fat ***"
I'm still just a sack of bones
just with a little more meat now

And I remember being told for the first time
"you're beautiful"
but I never believed
not after being told I was liked but
that I wasn't good enough to be dated
or that I'm a "mega *****"
"if you're going to be weird don't talk to me"
"you have a witchy nose, like Pinocchio"
"fat ugly lips"
and "******* ugly as ****"

No I never believed the
"you're beautiful" line
because I never felt beautiful
or even deserving of that stupid line
and now I'll admit
I'm afraid to believe or even think for just one second
that I could ever be
Beautiful

Honestly
I just want someone
who loves me
for me
someone who sees all of my
flaws and scars
and won't run away
gently kissing them instead
slowly, lightly, trailing
gentle fingertips across the maps of my skin
and whisper in my ear
of far away lands
and childhood memories
until we fall asleep
hands between our bodies
fingers interlaced and legs tangled in the sheets
I want endless nights
of pure bliss and rough nights
I want our ups
as well as our downs because that's part of love
I want the lows just as much
as the highs
because without it
I would never properly appreciate the highs
and without the lows
I would forget how good
happiness feels
I want to get drunk on your
Kisses
and high on your
Touch
fall asleep to the sound of your
Heartbeat
sway to the sound of your
Voice
losing myself in your
Eyes
I want to whisper my secrets in your
Ear
and reminisce with you
about growing up,
first loves, and memories we created
I want to dive into your mind
and learn you
from the inside out
curling up and snuggling into your crevices
I'll make my home there
baring myself for you just as you've done for me

Tell me how it feels
to have your heart pierced by an arrow
not by one of Cupid's
but by betrayal

Tell me how it feels
when the poison leaked into your heart
when your heart turned black
how it withered away

Tell me how it feels
when the ashes were blown away
what stands in it's place
how do you live with the emptiness

Tell me how it feels
to know you can't piece it back together
how the cold spread through your limbs
the way your blood burned

Tell me how it feels
to give up
to hate the sun and all it's warmth
living under your rock

Tell me how it feels
when you felt the poison in your veins
and your heart disappeared
when the tears fell silently

Tell me how it feels
to know you will never live again
never love the light
to surrender all that you once were

So tell me how do you live like this
with this
surrounded by this
Infected by this poisonous arrow of betrayal

My subconscious
does strange things when
my mind wanders off

I hide myself in the dark
close myself off to every feeling that threatens to grip me
play the silent awkward girl in the corner
breathe music as if it were the very thing keeping me alive

love, a thing only found in books
dreams always flitting around the edges of my thoughts
like phantoms come to haunt my every waking moment,
stealing every thought
every desire written in a ratty journal
my personality hidden within the pages of a book yet to be read
my story unfolding with each word on empty pages
my soul entwined with moonlit fire,
wolves howling sorrows to the full moon,
the wind whispering sweet secrets in the ears of those who listen,
caressing bare skin and messing hair as it darts around

I lost myself wondering the lonely paths between trees
paths that seemed to lead to nowhere
riddled with shadows and dark promises like Snow White’s toxic apple
the sweet sticky rays of dying moonlight clinging to my skin
and an arch of trees ahead seemingly harmless

I go around in circles never finding an end to the wall of trees
so deep in the dark I find no way out no light

I carve my own path and find myself hiding in the shadows
my eyes barely visible beneath the waterfall of hair I hide behind
my hands shake as he comes too close
my thoughts center around the only question my brain can manage
why does he come so close?
can he see me hiding in the shadows?
his interest in me scares me and yet I can’t help but let him come closer
and the closer he got the more terrified I became
yet I couldn’t seem to stop

My hands trembled but I couldn’t stop the excitement
couldn’t close my eyes to the only true warmth in what feels like ages
when I should have run back to the dark

You got so close to me that we nearly died
I wasn’t looking for you but you found me anyway
because of you I found my way out of the dark that always protected me

I never stepped out but you brought me to the edge
and for that I can’t seem to thank you enough but it came with a price
I can’t seem to get you out of my head
your eyes haunt my dreams but you’re so unreachable now a days
and I ache longing for those willful days

The days when you answered my calls,
when we talked all night until I fell asleep,
aching for the days when you would give anything to make me happy,
bringing me out of my protective shell so that you could see me
and now with you gone I can’t help but retreat once again

I feel repressed
unable to be true to myself
locked away from the me that longs to be free
I'm afraid to show you what I can do
afraid you'll only huff and turn away
I'm frightened to voice my true thoughts
knowing all you'll do is hate me
I lock myself away
so as not to see the disdain in your eyes
I no longer recognize myself
the stranger in the mirror can't relate
she doesn't understand
she's confused as to why she can't come out
there's nothing left of her in me
she was the girl who knew herself like the river knew how to flow
the girl who loved to ask questions
who sought the answers despite what she was told
the girl who never shed a tear a day in her life
is now replaced with the girl who smiles to mask the tears
laughs to hide the pain
she no longer asks questions
no longer seeking answers
she simply nods and accepts the answers she is given
loving freely to disguise her broken heart
and now because of you she no longer lives
you killed her
she's gone and all thats left is a shell
a ghost and a hollow laugh

I leave behind
everything
All those hurtful words
and false friendships
I leave behind
my mask
take down my walls
leave my phone
resting on my pillow, a note
sticking out of my favorite book,
take my iPod,
turn it on,
Leave it playing
“Goodbye Town”
and walk out the front door
with no regrets
This isn't my world
and it will never be

This friendship is fraying
at the edges
holes and tears are forming
throughout the fabric
and everything good is starting to slip
through the cracks falling
and drowning in the Never sea
turning to myth
never found at the bottom
just like Nessy
and what’s left is slowly turning to dust
rotten and fragile
nothing seems to get better
it’s all just temporary patchwork
just to keep it together for a little longer
and when it unravels
you loosely stitch it together
with unskilled fingers
staining the already thinly stretched fabric
and all I want is to fix things
but you can’t seem to let me bring it up
you just walk away
and call me a ***** well I’m sorry
for trying to fix things
I’m sorry I don’t want to lose this
I’m sorry I’m not what you want
you call me useless
but I’m just so used to keeping quiet that my
voice no longer seems to work
and I don’t know why you can’t see that
you’re the reason
I’m broken

I have two sides
there's the one you see
happy, vibrant and selfless
and the one behind locked doors
depressed, broken and dying

This hunger plaguing my body is . . .
Terrifying
and all consuming.
Nothing
will satisfy this . . .
Starvation
no amount of food can quell this hunger.
Just thinking about meat
makes me want to throw up until
the very thought is
buried in the ***** on the floor beneath me.
Thinking about fruit,
my favorite green apples,
and I want to throw up until
the very thought is
buried in the ***** of thoughts on the floor beneath me.
Thinking about food in general,
even my favorites,
and still
all I want to do is
***** out the taste of such
Vile thoughts.
Even so I frantically search for food.
Nothing is appealing
still I take a bite of an apple.
Swallowing I grimace,
my belly grumbles,
and I feel sick.
No matter the things I scarf down
it comes right back around
soon after.
I miss ice cream and meat
yet at the thought
my mouth waters as my throat constricts
just waiting to retch up the contents of my stomach.
Even when there’s nothing left.
And yet all the while
my belly grumbles,
Starving for something.