Please take time to read this <3

Few people know that I have come close to ending my own life, at least 4 times. At the time that is what I wanted, to die. Mostly because I thought it would take Away the pain and suffering I felt. I never fit in, kids at school would find any reason to make fun of me. When I was eight years old my sister and I were sent to a foster home. I was told on many occasions that my father wanted nothing to do with me. So I became depressed and lived by a label known as emo. One night I felt extremely depressed and I took a razor blade to my wrist. I watched as the blood ran out of the wound I had made and at that moment I realized I was addicted. Not only to cuting but to the feeling I got when I saw my blood. I knew I had a problem, I would cut every night just so I could feel something I could control and that I knew was real. My friends in middle school saw the cuts and tried to get me help but it only made it worse. I was put into therapy but that doesn't help unless you talk, in which I didn't. I didn't feel safe. The foster home my sister and I were living in was not a very good one. The guy was a creep. So we were forced out of that home and got adopted by my uncle. We tried many councilors and therapists but nothing seemed to help.
I eventually got an 18 year old boyfriend and I was only 15. He got me drunk one night and took advantage of me. He stole my innocence, and gave me something else in return. A baby. But that baby died. Know matter how much it hurts I know that baby is better off with out me. I was so young.
To this day, I still think about hurting myself but I am proud. I have gone a little over 4 months with out self harm, and with every day I grow stronger and stronger. So to those who took the time to read this, thank you. And if you are going through the same struggles, find a clear path and stay on it. Doesn't matter if you're an alcoholic, or a druggy, or even a *** addict. The only way to get better is through steps. Start with a week and slowly move up. I believe in you. Every single one.

I really need someone to talk to, I am broken and I don't know what to do.

Being suicidal
Doesn't mean you try to take your own life
Sometimes it means
Pushing others away
So you have less of a reason to live
And waking up Evey day
And just saying "**** it"
To everyone who walks your way
Sometimes it means
Eating less so you'll die of starvation
Or not wearing a jacket
So you'll get sick and die
Or not looking both ways
Before crossing the street
Because you don't care if you get hit by a car
Or cutting your wrist so you feel numb
Sometimes it means
Hiding every emotion
Deep down
Until you finally break
Scaring everyone away.

The days go by
You've been drinking every day
I'm trying not to cry
But my life is wasting away
I walk through the school
Trying to keep cool
People stare
But I don't care

All my life I've been told
That in the end it will all get better
That if I keep living my life and only worry about me
I'll get better
All my life I've struggled
With depression
With anxiety
And even with people
My every day goal
Is to make it through the day
Without seriously injuring someone
Especially me
It's almost all I think about
So why tell me it'll get better with time
Because so far it's only getting worse
Yes, it does get slightly better
But it's hard to breathe with this anxiety
So why did you give it to me?
It's hard to live with this depression
So why do you insist I keep it?
Just because I'm strong enough for all this pain, doesn't mean I deserve it.

Don't worry Dear
I'm right here
You can cry
I'll dry your eye

I'll be here through thick and thin
and love you till my chest caves in
Even though you're not always near
I keep you in my heart dear

Sitting in the dark
Make up running down my face
Crying so hard
My mind is a haze

Why do I do this
To myself
I think I'm crazy
I need some help

My hand is numb
And my body shakes
My wrist is ******
My wrist aches

I'm sorry
I know I promised
But I couldn't help it.....

Hold me tonight
Build me a home
Make everything okay
Cause I can't I do this any longer

I really hate when my family makes suicide and Selfharm jokes. It really hurts me.... Now I can't stop thinking about hurting myself.........

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and said
"Why am I still alive?"

She's a girl
yes
she cries
yes
she's wanted to die
but she's strong
and she's beautiful
and she's wanted
he wants her
to live to smile and most importantly
to want him back
and she does
she always will
even after she takes her last breath
she loves you
with everything she has
keep her
hold her
she was once broken
and she needs you to fix her
put her pieces
back together
and seal them there
with your love

The worst part about being adopted by someone who already have kids is the fact that you know they will always put their kids first. And it hurts because you know you're the least important. You could die and they wouldn't even care. So long as they're blood child doesn't die. I hate it. Its so hard sometimes

I was afraid
To say hi
To wave
To look in to your eyes
I was afraid
To fall in love
To say I love you
To admit
That I really do love you
But now
I'm afraid to let you go
I'm afraid to look away
Now that you're mine
I'm no longer afraid
To be me
To smile
To laugh
To breathe
You are mine
And I'm happy

Head phones in
Drama out
You don't need
All this doubt
Shut your eyes
It's okay to cry

My wrist aches to be carved and cut
But you tell me not to
And I'm trying so hard
But I'm weaker then before
You say I can be so much more
But you can't see
All I want to be
Is 6ft under
And maybe more

Why do you do this to me?
What do you get out of it?
Saying those hurtful things
I'm tired of it

When you fall in love with someone
It's nearly impossible to shake that felling
You know it's time to let go
You can't help but to feel
That maybe
With time
They'll change
So you hold on
To the person you think you know
But you don't anymorre
And you deny it
Tell yourself that it will get better
He will get better
You believe
That he won't hurt you again
But deep inside
You know he will
Because he's done it many times before
And you still held on

I feel broken

I just lost one of my online friends..  I'm not sure how to handle it