Its 1:47 A.M.

I'm writing a poem..

Because I'm...
                      
       Sad
   Lonely
      Lonely
Confused

And, there's nothing I can do.

Are there any alternatives to this?

Any alternatives at all?

Because, I see the scars.

I see the blood splattered on the wall.

To know I've made many mistakes.

To say I'd never go back.

But, that's not true.

I went back to the blade.

Both catalysts.

Epic.

And

Mundane.

I found a new purpose.

To live on the edge of a blade.

And, the feeling of...

Being...

Alone

Worthless

And..

Scared

Wasn't enough to get me there.

And, what if I lied?

Said that I'd try something else?

But didn't even try.

I did lie.

New girlfriend.
Old girlfriend.

New memories.
Old memories.

I love you.

Day by day..

I grow weaker

Day by day..

I get more and more depressed

Day by day..

Is the more I forget.

I've lost myself today.
You say I'll find my way..
But, I won't..

Because, today

Is

The

Day.

A million black sharpies
A million silver blades
How do you decide?
Which one comes first?
No sympathy from you.
I didn't ask for it.
Leave now before you can't.

You and him..
You don't quite known how you fit together...
I'm kind of under the weather..
There will be time for us to be friends..
Unless it's the end of us..
Unless you say you care
And you don't..

I'm scared I'll lose you.
Because, he doesn't like me
Like you do..

I'm happy for you..
I am..

Just there's a space between love and lust.

Finding out where you fit..

In my life..

There's always a space for you here..

Somewhere...

You'll always be here.

Even if you don't care.

Row..
Doe..
I have to mow.
There's a crow on that show with a bow.
That's all I know.

I remember the way it felt before
Swallowing the pills
Using the blade to cut my skin
**** me so I can make it end

Make the memories stop
I dont want to remember every time I kissed you
I just do

I don't want to breathe
Because I love someone else and you can't handle that
I'm not over you but I'm trying

I'm trying hard to make you see
I'm holding on just for you

I'm seriously debating..
About ending my life.
One fiction story later.
I'm torn on what to do.
Will I lose?

*I'm sure

Not like you'll see this..
Not sure I care.
As long as it's out there..
somewhere.

I'm sorry.

For everything.

Not that it matters

But, I'm sad I lost the light of you.

And, I'm not exactly sure what I did...

Besides trust you.

And care about you

But, it doesn't matter.

Because, I have to quit.

And give up on this ****.

Done with Luna.

Done with all of it.

So...

S
          O
                     R
                               R
                                          Y

For everything.

Apologies..
They don't mean a thing.
Even if they mean everything.
I do want to apologize..
For making you my realize my horrible side.

I am the chorus..

You are the verse.

He's the bridge.

She's the intro.

We fit better...

**Together..

You burned the picture I made..

It hurts me in a way.

Why?

I don't know.

Probably because I spent time on it.

But, it was worthless.

We're both looking for better things.

(Despite your damaging UV rays).

I heard when you play with fire..

You're bound to get burned.

Too bad I was left with the scar.

Because, I wanted to forget.

And move on.

I think that you lied.
A two faced *****.
That tried so hard to **** me over.
You never cared.
And you wouldn't know if I was dead.
You wouldn't care if I was.
See the thing is..
You're gonna get burned to the core.
And you told me to be good to myself because you didn't know what else to say.
I think you're pathetic.
And you must be living some game.
I deserve way better than you'll ever give me.
And that is something I know.

I've pushed everyone away.
Had enough today.
Can't take pain.

I'm changing today.
You are in shock and dismay?
Well, that's great.
Because, I'll do whatever it takes.
I'm saying sorry.
And hoping you'll forgive.
Because, we all make mistakes.
And I'm not grey anymore.
I'm sorry, Jess.
I'm sorry, Laura.
And
I'm sorry, Kaitlin
I'm sorry, Elizabeth
You know what?
I'm sorry to anyone who has been hurt by me.
But this is what change means.

Do you ever look in the mirror,
and question what you're doing wrong?

I looked in the mirror today.
I thought nothing changed.

But, things changed.

I lost a teacher to cancer.
I lost my care.
I lost my compassion.

Did you ever wonder what's out there?

I did.

But, then I quit thinking.

Because it killed me.

Creating a character.
Its perfect dialogue.
Turn the page.
Find out what's next.
Read about his horrid past..
One that didn't last.
Find out that you were wrong all along.
That the hangovers don't last.
And sobriety comes fast.

Some Autumn evening..
I grabbed a cigarette.
Lit it without thinking.
A few years after..
Another Autumn day..
I met you.
I love you daily.
Without thinking
Because who knows?
One day, you may replace...
My pack of Marlboro Menthols.

Franz Kafka once said, "You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart."
I'll have to agree
I love in silence
Or through words
In lines of poetry
Confused about whether or not
I can ever stop loving you truly
I can't.
I don't really sing
But I'll sing you songs with my acoustic
Wearing a flannel, sleeves rolled up
It's a universally attractive thing
I guess it's fair to say I'm confused and quiet
Yet understanding and willing to start a riot...
Just for you.

To be loved to madness - such was her great desire..
Love was to her the one cordial that could drive away the eating loneliness of her days.
As she sat, we all watched from a distance.
As she broke the silence.
The tears rolled down her face.
We knew..
She lost him..

This is true.

I depend on you.
You get me through.
I don't know what I'd do...
without
*you.

It's funny how 20 minutes ago..
I tried to get you to see my side of things.
How I ****** up.
You know what though?
You know what I know about you?
That you aren't anything but **fake.

Oh my God.
Lord almighty.

Go away.

I love how every little poem is directed at me..
Although it feels like a stab..
I will just ignore it even though it hurts..
Just like a scab..
That continues to be picked..
But, I used to trust you.
Used to love you.
Now you see that I am done.
And that I'll stop bothering you.  
So understand..
I'll probably skip your class.
I won't pass.
But, it won't matter after awhile.
So just pretend everything is okay.
That's fine with me.

You make my blood boil

We're like water and oil.

The sun sets.

These heavy hearts have

Left our chest.

I feel those warm arms that used to surround me
I hear the melodic guitar strum
It echoes in between white walls
I feel the bright sun that brings my face warmth
I see the bright red scream that comes from my skin

I feel the water swell my eyes from the sound
I taste iron from chewing my words
I smell the newly cut green grass
I hear the creak from the floorboards

I hear words stabbing me like swords
I can feel my body fall from my being

I see the darkness that falls upon my eyes
I feel the thoughts fill my mind
I feel my heart turn to stone
I feel darkness in my soul

I ask for your opinion.
I tell your boyfriend to put rainbows in his hair.
I proceed to tell you that I'm not cutting.
But, indeed, I am.

I want you to know..
I still care.

But, as I think back of how many times you've ignored me..
I'm kind of hurting.

But that's just fine.

But, I lied.

I did cut..

And it will never stop.

I accepted you..
When nobody else would.

I trusted you...
When I could.

I loved you..
When I was drunk..

Wasn't that enough?

I honestly don't know
what else to tell you.

Because, you've hurt me.
And I've hurt you too.

No
I don't miss you
And I'm so **** happy
about that

If you thought
this poem is
about you...

You were wrong.

I hate that you hate me.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But, really?
I know I'm incapable of helping myself.
Because, I wouldn't know what to do.
Wouldn't know where to start.
But, all I know is you make it so obvious..
That
You
Are
Writing
Poems
About
*Me.­

The first time I said I love you was on January 30th of 2015
It was just a short two months
I wished it would've been longer

I remember the first night
You held me
I remember the way you brought me to your room
Grabbed my hand
Grinned

I read the poems I gave you aloud
The first time you kissed me it felt like fireworks
You told me you loved me

Valentines day
The greatest valentines day I've ever had
I read your card so many times it made me cry
I remember feeling so bad because my sister wouldn't give you a ride
But you reassured me it'd be alright
And at that time I kissed you harder than any other time before

The day we broke up
although it happened quite a few times
was one I'd never forget
I cried so hard

I think about you now
Everyday
I think about the way fireworks exploded when you kissed me
I think about the vanilla scent I used to love so much

I still ******* miss you, and I'm trying to move on but you won't let me

I'm lazy.

I'm ugly.

I'm fat.

I'm crazy.*

Go away.

You're obsessed with your boyfriend.

Who is rude.

Stop mocking my poetry.

It hurts.

Listening to Therapy by All Time Low
I used to be cool.
Well, that's not true..
"The experts say I'm delirious."
Well, that's true for all of us.
You're lucky if your memory remains,
like grains in the sand.
I'm smiling at everything.
Just trying to be okay with these changes.
Like nothing made us any different.
But, what?
Was it all just love?
You lie.
So do I.
Just kiss me goodbye..
I'll dream happily if you do.
Just know I love you.

or at least thats what i told myself
last night
when i locked myself in the bathroom
and refused to come out.

they talk about warning signs
and who's more prone to suicide
than the people who aren't.

"people with depression are more likely to **** themselves."

there are so many warning signs
but nobody cares to see them.

I try so hard for you
You don't try hard enough back

I hurt so bad because all I've wanted
is to be good enough for you.

You don't stand on a busy street corner in the middle of downtown
and scream, "you're such a ******."

Well lucky for you I already know.

I'm trans and its not because of my sisters boyfriend.

You scream at me for things that you told me I could do

Dyeing my hair? What's the big deal?

You're as transparent as ******* saran wrap.

Parenting crap? Oh yeah you don't want any of that.

Get up. And get the **** out of my life because I will get better and I can't do that if you're here.

It's hard to fall asleep without you.
Guess I never thought this weekend
would be so hard..
It's dark and I'm alone..
And I'm thinking about you..
Yeah.. You know I love you?
With everything I have?
Every part of me craves you.
And Monday can not come soon enough.

I'm not confused.
Nor jealous.

I know they're happy.
I'm happy for them.

I am hurt but not by her.

By everything else in this world.

I'm not hurting you.
Not hurting her.

So don't..

Write

Poems

About

Me.

You sound like a crazy pyro-maniac.
That's all too true.
Funny.
How midnight skies turn blue.
And you're too busy setting this world on fire.
You're inner demons are shining through.  
Just grow up.
And be you.
Don't let other people catch you.
BE YOURSELF.
*Not someone else.

Suicide is never worth it.

You aren't worthless.

Just smile.

I'm feelin' a bit bubbly,
not a single bit sober.
Tryin' to recover the things I have told her.
I don't mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams.
It seems like she's the one I need.
She's got beautiful brown eyes.
If she died, I'd die too inside.
She understands my life is an inaudible melody.
There is always three parts to life.
A beginning, a middle,
and coming soon, the end.