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Laiba Sep 2020
I sit in my room and I cry
They want me to say I am fine
I sit in my room and I cut
They want me to pretend I don't
I sit in my room and attempt sucide
They tell me its all for attention

Soon I won't be here to listen...
I cry nobody wants to know... life is ****
Laiba Nov 2019
"All this pain is temporary
It's not permanent
We haven't lived life yet
To know any different"
I look at her and say
What do you know
What I go through
Every
Single
******* day
Laiba Apr 2020
Do not  make permanent dessicions
On temporary feelings
Too late now.
Already have
Dear life
Forgive me. I am a bad person.
Laiba Nov 2019
DRIP DROP
DRIP DROP
THE PINDROP SILENCE
OVERTUREND BY MY TEARS
Broken
Alone
Tears
Crying
Anger
****** abuse truama and its everlasting affects
Laiba Nov 2019
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE


SOMONE **** ME
I EVEN USED MY MANNARS
What I really want
Laiba Apr 2020
During a time like this we cannot help but thank the people stood there

Helping us, caring for us and sacrificing for us,

Heroes do not have to wear a cape

Because our heroes wear lanyards, badges and masks.

The key-workers of our community

Deserve more than just a cheer

More than just a clap

They deserve more than what they get.

The list of the people putting their lives in danger for us is endless .

But they  should not  be forgotten

Always remember who was there for you in the time of your needs.

All the key- workers from hospitals, public services to supermarkets and delivery drivers.

Should never be erased from your memory, looked down upon considered unskilled

Or pushed away to seem invisible neither undervalued as their worth is more then you can count,

The question is will you be there for them like they were there for you?

Fight for them, value them, a simple thank you could do for them.

Always remember when lives are disintegrating like the wind in the sky

These key- workers still work for your everyday wants and needs.
Laiba Jul 2021
Imagine this...
falling in love and finding somebody that  is your soulmate or your first ever crush
and they look at you in your eyes and say life is better now that i have found you
and the butterflies just dance in your stomach
and you think to yourself that this cant  get any better..
But this feeling does not simply come  just by loving the opposite gender
it can come by loving the same gender as you
or you feel the same way with both genders
and that is okay nothing wrong with that
to the people who think this is wrong
ask yourself this
since when you can you control who you love?


Love has no color  
no filter
Love can never be wrong
nor something that shouldn't happen...
love who you want if that how you feel and then that is   how you feel
Being yourself and accepting who you are can never be wrong
The norm is different for everyone
your norm may be the norm for u but not for your friend
and that isn't wrong.
we do not   have to live up to other peoples normal
live up to your own self being.

surround yourself with people you want
do not  let others choose your sexuality
continue being your beautiful wonderful and unstoppable self
and nothing should stop you from being this person
and remember love is love no matter who its with

Hope can never be silenced
and so i hope that we come to a place in this world
were we wouldn't have to "come out"
we would just simply say "we are in love and that all that is important"
not who it is...
lets start to treat people like human
rather then determine that on their sexuality
remember love is love and its different for everyone
a poem i wrote last month on pride
Laiba Nov 2019
Even the darkness has rejected me
I am a punishment to myself
I need
You
I really do
I feel worthless
Laiba Jul 2020
My heart is beating so fast
Fast like fast
Faster then fast
The  urge is to self harm
29/07/2020
Relapsed...
My heart beated fast
My mind acted fast
Officially relapsed after being clean for so many months and its all because i feel low I feel anxious I feel worthless
Laiba Jul 2021
I cut a year ago
I cut a month ago
I cut 2 weeks ago
I cut 24 hours ago
I cut 24 minutes ago
Laiba Jan 2020
I'm soppused to feel relief
Now that the holidays are over
But why do I feel worse?
Good morning finally school holidays are over But I don't feel right
Laiba Jul 2020
Today I wish I that life could give me back my mind
My sanity
I am loosing it
And I can't breathe
Laiba Jul 2021
The scariest part isn't my Sadness,

Or the emptiness in my loneliness

Not even the fact darkness has rejected me

Its the realization at 2am

That you don't have the energy to cry or to cut

How do i narrate this pain to you

Why is crying in my fate?

I am slowly breaking and it's not fair

How do i **** this pain

Without killing myself

I'm scared of the what if... what if I see him

What if he hurts me

He was meant to be my dad

Not my abuser

He was meant to protect me

My helplessness is in my eyes

It reads out help me before i die

In this kind of pain

I may die bearing it

Or even get used to myself

And I am scared….

The people making me

Cry are telling me to wipe my tears

And he isn't here anymore

But still breaths in my head

Everyday i scream silently

I hide my screams with a mask

My own look at me like I have commited a crime by saying thay I'm not fine

Laiba is hurting for too long

How much more can she take

I am sorry for not being happy

For being scared and the fear consuming me.

But what do you know

What I been through and why his presence scares me
Laiba Aug 2020
I wanted to shout  
I wanted to scream
Daddy STOP it hurts
But all i could do Is lay in scilence
While you ripped me layer by layer
Laiba Aug 2020
Sleep is my pain
I close my eyes
And the nightmares
Start of the memories i didn't choose to go through
The memories of being hurt
Being tortured
By the man I called daddy
So sleep is pain
That's when it all comes back
To bite me in the neck
Nightmares have destroyed me
Laiba Nov 2019
I AM NOT OKAY.
I AM BROKEN.
I AM DYING INSIDE.
I CAN NOT FAKE MY SMILE ANYMORE.
ALL THE DREAMS I SAW HAS BROKEN.
THE TEARS ARE JUST FLOWING AND FLOWING.
WHY OH WHY IS CRYING IN MY DESTINY.
LOWWWWWWW DAYSSSSSS
Laiba Jun 2021
I was born in this world without a choice.
if i knew  what my life was going to be no doubt would i have chosen not to exist.
Born into two people who claimed that one was my mother and one was my father
because  being a mother or a father isn't just producing a fetus its about living up to the role
None of mine did.
No choice but to grow up to fast
by age 5 i was hiding knives and tablets preventing my mothers suicide attempts
running around and crashing into that monsters soul
afraid i would  take two steps back
and he would take two steps forward
he would hold my hand and take me to my mother
the rest is a blur
all i know was i would see her naked body and him next to her.

Cold heated shouts blew me away
drowned me in none other then sadness and fear
my siblings become like my children
who i tried to protect
but we would come together to keep each other safe.
the routine of hiding knives become a game we made
social services meant to care or to protect?
watched the monster silence us and left us and deemed it was  safe
safe despite watching the "parents" argue
safe despite  him being cautioned  and kept away for beating my sister when she was 7
who knew these services would later be the reason why innocent  lives were sacrificed for a cycle of abuse that would never seem to end....
a poem i wrote on a very dark day....
reflections
Laiba Jan 2020
STOP
JUST STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP  STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP


hurting me with your words
They **** me
I can't anymore
Laiba Nov 2019
I stopped crying
Because people saw your name in my tears
UGH
Laiba Sep 2020
The worthless girl
Trapped in the perfect box.
So here I am.
In my box
Not wanting to escpae
Laiba Sep 2020
The cut across my skin felt like a broken heart shattered across a million times.

Life is hard...
You just gotta do it.
Relapsed today. Feel like I have no worth
Laiba Oct 2019
The voice in my head
That hates me so much
That tells me to cut
As much As I want
And i don't but want to
Let my emotions out
But i cant do this no more
Deja vue is releasing itself
This time last year I cut and got sent to hospital
And it was a bad place
So please voice in my head
Let me go
Laiba Feb 2022
To face the storm head on..
Having no choice but to do so
Because life throws pain at you and there is sometimes more often than I should of knew that nobody will come to save me
I learnt It the hard way
Alone and afraid with the storm building up over me

The storm follows me each day
Reminding me of the nightmares i have endured
I pray and pray please take this storm away with little bit of sun or even some rain

The rain is good, at least nobody can see me cry .
Sometimes the storm is my only friend listening to me and my pain
Sometimes it's my enemy never leaving me alone.


The storm is as loud as something I can't say
Echoing in my ear
I have to face it no doubt because I have no other choice.


I hope one day this storm will disappear
And I can finally start living again, breathing again, smiling again.

The list is endless…
I'm back now on HP :)
Laiba Sep 2020
Look around and all i can see
Is the hatred of the world
The anger the pain
They laugh at me
They say
Sket did it once
Do it again...
Sinice I was 9 my dad abused me people get into me and blame me sad life but meh.
Laiba Oct 2019
I plead with you
My dearest head
Detach the voices
You send
Thoughts this morning
Laiba Jan 2020
I'm tired
I am tired
Tried of everyone
And everything
Laiba Sep 2020
I am tired
Tired
Of not sleeping
Tired Of dreaming
I want to sleep
And never wake
Laiba Sep 2019
This may be hard to hear and feels like i am stating a streotype comment
But for all those surviors of ****** abuse
I just want to let you know your not alone
I know everyday is a sturggle to get out of bed
Constent worrying and pain
And the questions that wont let go
You just want to end it all
You think its your fault and even if the world was telling you its not your sitting there thinking Oh my god please just shut up
I understand that but just know its okay not to be okay
And i know you feel ***** and you want to hurt yourself,blame yourself
And even if i tell you dont do it your letting the monster win
It makes no difference
So what i am going to say is hold on tight i know the journey is painful
But once you reach it will be raimbows
The nightmares the flashbacks  i know its painful
I know it hurts more then anything
But i promise you that as long as your safe
No hands will ever touch you again
I know its hard and cry all you want
But once your finshed be sure to know that you can do it again whenever you want
Your not a victim you Are a survivor


But the truth is i will never know your pain
Nobody can ever guess what you might me going through
All you know is what your going through
But empathy is somthing that only works to an extent....
This is what i go through...
Laiba Oct 2019
Is today going to be a happy day?
7:44 am
Laiba Aug 2020
Tomrrow is going to be kinda hard
Today was also kinda hard
Is my forever gonan be kinda hard
Laiba May 2020
Through hell and sunshine
You have been there
You are brave
You are a warrior
You are strong
You are my mother
Happy birthday mum
Laiba Nov 2020
I'm sorry
I'm truly sorry
To my 9 year old youger self
For enduring what you did
I don't blame you
I feel angry at the person who did this To you
You was so inncocnt
Just looking to be loved
To be protected

Yeh you might of lost your womanhood to your own dad
But that was not your choice
It was forced...

The 15 year old me is just dealing with his actions not yours
Dear 9 year old me
Laiba Nov 2019
One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts


Day 1 cleen  
Day 2 clean

Relapse trigger by words
Just once more time


Day 1 clean
Soul has gone
No soul to cut
Day 2 clean
Day 3 clean
Death has erupted to the wrong vain


But
Isn't
That
What
I wanted
To end
This war
In my head
Laiba Oct 2020
He was in my head
Today
He was abusing me in the rain
I focused on the rain and ignored
The pain
The hurt
The exploitiaion
The rain protected me
Triggered today by the rain in London
Laiba Jul 2021
I don't trust no longer
My trust for others is a thread
Easy to turn a blind eye too
Not intentionally done to harm me
But my PTSD says otherwise

Can't convince my mind to believe that you was looking out for my safety
And you cared about my life
When you should of known out of everyone in this world
That what you did would of been more damaging then anything

That's the ptsd thinking like that
I know the meaning behind it was to protect me
But convince insanity that
Laiba Nov 2019
A mask covers my true emotions.
Why should I tell you how I actully feel?
Because every time I do
You look at me like I have committed a crime
By
Saying I am not fine
My life
Laiba Dec 2019
When am I going to be me
In a world full of somebody else's
Laiba Dec 2020
Self care.
Loving yourself for you
Giving yourself a break
Do i really deserve a break?
The question is in my mind
Its in our mind.
We are not alone
In thinking self care is selfish once and for all.

To love yourself isnt selfish
To accept yourself isnt wrong
Take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority
It's nesscerry not just for you
But for everyone else battling this thought
Just breathe and think
Your giving the world the full of you
Not just part of you .

It's hard but I know how strong You are
How we all are.
Take time to do what makes your soul happy
Even if is sitting down and reflecting.
Laiba Jan 2020
Why is my living so hard
And so is my dying
The coward inside me
Doesnt let me do either
Too scared to be selfish
To end my life
In the fear  All who pray for my existence
Yet I pray i die.
And I don't even beleive in God
Sorry
Thank you to everyone but in particular the people listed above
Laiba Dec 2019
Help me God
I feel so alone
I am just a kid
I can't take it on my own
Sadness filled my heart  I am sourneded by people but cannot see people
Laiba Dec 2019
I can't
I really cant.
I can't
Laiba Feb 2020
Somtimes  
All you need is a hug
And somone to tell you
Your not as worthless as you think you are
Laiba Mar 2020
I'm so sad
I take the **** out of my pain
I just laugh and say
I'm too used to this feeling now
I can't be asked to give up now
It requires to much thinking
And that a depresed person cannot do
Laiba Jul 2021
I feel so low.
I feel so scared
Tell me why do I have to be this way
Tired
And afraid
I cut myself once again
Not wanting to die but to get rid of the pain
So please help me understand why do I deserve all this pain.
Laiba Oct 2020
One step closer
To my mind exploding
Laiba Feb 2020
I used to be this person
Who thought she would make
The one person she loved the most happy

But now i can't even
Make myself happy
Laiba Dec 2019
I waited
4 years
4 ******* years
To get better
But now that the opportunity has arisen
People in my life are Against it
Laiba Jul 2020
Waking up each day
Seems like a battle I lost
But a victory to the people that care about me
Suicidal
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