i want to write
but the words aren't coming

i'm feeling trapped
by my mind's inability
to translate my emotions
to letters with meaning

i write to understand
why i feel the way i do
i am the doctor
of my own thoughts

but if i cannot write
then i cannot understand
& if i cannot understand
then i cannot diagnose

so here i sit
with the same confusion
i began with

some words written before me
as useless as they come
accomplishing nothing
begging for everything

you gifted me
a blanket of sadness;            

still i shiver              
            
slowly, but surely
i become devoid of emotion

i perform a smile
here & there when i need to

it's enough to get by

but it's still lonely here,
sitting next to you

your eyes meet mine
& now we both know
though we pretend not to see,
our future is clear

we will meet again one day
for now, it's goodbye

i'll keep this blanket you gave me
if ever you should need it
but it's tucked away now
beneath the base of my bed

it's not easy for me
to watch the past die
but i still hold on
though a loose grip, indeed

in time i will let go
for what will be, cannot be
if what was, still is

i loved a man once
who never loved me back
i wish i could say my love was pure
it was not
i loved who you were
or maybe who i thought you to be
because the real you was now here
standing in front me

i didn't feel that love that i had so thought i would
it was in my imagination
pieced together with delusion
this is what you feared most
why you never let yourself fall
you saw right through me
and i'm sorry it took this long
it isn't simple
it's a convoluted path
but i finally got here
i hope you're ok with that

i slide my hands across the eyes on your back
their gaze pierces through me
as i stop in my tracks

i'm paralyzed
unable to look away
i'm bound by those eyes

they’re the eyes of an enemy
but also a lover

i keep returning to those eyes
the ones that destroy me

i don't seem to mind
as they watch my every move
following me here
following me there

those eyes hold a power
like i have never seen before

but how much power
do those eyes really have

when they are blind to see
that they were the ones
being followed by me

the moon
&
the ocean
remind us
that the things we know
will never
come close
to surpassing the things
that we don’t