There is no perfect word,
no adjective or noun
just a combination of
         I hate
         I worry
         I regret
         Am I enough?

It's a moment where my insecurities
are no longer a low hum
and I discover a whole
          new shade of
                  self-doubt

I used to hold onto your words
that love wasn’t always on time

That maybe love
was more like a stubborn flower,
that needed many seasons to bloom

But somewhere along the lines
I realized that our hourglass was titled

That our relationship was built
on a temporary foundation;
lined with excuses
and oh so many
   betrals.

And for the longest time
I began to put question marks behind
all your hellos and goodbyes?

Thinking back, I wish I listened
to all the good advice and intuition
I stuffed at the back of my closest
waiting for a later date…..

When I would realize
that you would only ever
see me as a visitor

And since you left,
I was forced to build in your absence-
a place where I learned to properly
treat the new resident
                 I now call my home.

It is not the fear of aging that scares you;
it is the fear of never turning back

But my love, you are not a single serving
with a best-used-by date

You are ******* stardust,
a glow that continues to outshine

No amount of change or time
can drown out your inner-light

And my love, there is so much on your horizon,
and oh so much more for you to become

It’s been 14 hours since we’ve last talked
and your still on the center stage of my mind
             The amount of self-discipline it takes to not call you
              is pretty ******* amazing.

& the truth is that I already miss you;
I know you are angry right now
            but know I’m sending you thoughts of love you messages
            hoping it reaches you in time.

Today I woke with a familiar dread
a storm of my own;
a whirlwind of insecurities

It's an intrusive self-created enemy,
that disguises my fears as truths

There have been nights too
where I sleep with my demon
and once again awake to yesterday's past

Repeat.

On nights like this
we tell our stories,
and turn up the volume on all
our deepest thoughts

I tell you my secrets
and you show me your paper-napkin wishes
I say I love you
and you let your body speak on your behalf

Tonight our smiles
echo through every room,
as we laugh in unison
till the morning is jealous

When I call you
my little sister,
it means I’ve loved you
since the moment you
jaywalked into my life
chattering louder and longer
than all of the rest.

It means you’ve always had
at least two voices
during any battle against mom
and an occasionally great Uber driver
if you requested me before 8pm.

We may have came
from the same DNA
but it’s clear I was our parents’ first-draft;
while you are the final, printed version             
bursting from the pages
wide-eyed and enthusiastic.

You my dear sister
have never walked in my shadow….
you wear glowing shoes
that I even borrow sometimes
and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This is the 2nd night this week
i've been sleeping with our memories
and waking to breadcrumbs
pulling me back

I remember the faint sound
           of orange
                and bacon bits

When we were at our best

I remember your half-written songs
hidden in places I would later find
I searched for meaning in your verses
only to be laying next to your silence

I watched you moved in retrograde
I saw your pain
           the demons
                the collapse
in your eyes

Now it’s been years
and there is nothing left
yet I feel myself reaching for you
in a different timeline

The one who chooses all the best meals,
the giver of roses, the boy with
the black bag of popcorn, the one I will always
choose first no matter what else is on the
shelf, the chocolate ice cream, the right amount
of sugar, the cocoa, the parts that makes
us whole

Writing for me
is a process in invention;
the development of ideas

I like to wander around in it
then finally stumble into it,
as I now become my pen

Writing for me…
tangles, shapes,
transforms, and shares

It is magic;
a tool for discoveries
a way to connect with,
act upon, and making meaning of my world.

My grief is unrelenting
it’s crushing in its weight
you’re standing right in front of me
but you move in retrograde

It’s been three months since you confessed
that you don’t love me anymore
you left me drowning in my sadness
as I cried on the bathroom floor

I want to say I won’t keep trying
that I will grow around the void you left
but mom, it’s your illness talking
and I can’t fault you for that

Just please don’t start too big of a fire
that the whole bridge comes burning down
because once there’s only ashes
there is no way to walk on back

Last year I was reckless.
I catapulted into the deep-end
headfirst.

No waiting at the shore
No wading in the water
Only a sprint to the furthest end of the sea.

I soon began exchanging
pieces of me as currency
to buy more time afloat
my sleep;
my mind;
my sanity.

I thought I was resolute
but this was all too much
Titanic
I was drowning.

Then there you were...
you and your raft
ready to take me home.  

It was then that I realized
that none have ever really loved me
before you <3

Here are all the things I never said
but should start,

That you’ve always been
the constant figure in my life
at every cheer competition
and book club meeting

That when my life has shaken
and cracked
and
split at its seams
you’ve always been there
to pick me up and
mend me back together

That you remind me of
shoulders I’ve cried on
          and apologies I never gave

But would you believe me
if I said you are the single most important person
who shaped who I am today
and that i’ve been trying for years
to pick the words from my throat
in attempts to explain to you
all the ways I appreciate
you.

Because if anyone ever asks
who I need the most
my reply will always be my mom

And I need you to know
that I love you
in the simplest of ways

Today I thought about
writing a poem explaining
my greatest fear

of how...
when you’re madly in love
there is always a gnawing thought
that you may one day wake up
to his bags packed
saying he has clarity
that you are not enough

then I realized
any woman who has ever loved
would already understand.

Today you will havest the sun ☼
and let its light guide you down the aisle
your skin bright
& glowing
with a hue of forever

Today you will bathe in infinity,
whisper it into your vows
& stain it endlessly into your lips

You see
beautiful bride ❣
this moment
has been bursting at its seams,
eagerly waiting to start the rest of your life ♥

                                    with love,
                                    your bridesmaid

It’s funny how words have no meaning
until they are jumbled in just the right way,
pieced together perfectly;
hitting just the right spot.